I AM

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I am.

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He never really says hi. He only ever seems happy around others, you wonder if it's your fault. I tell you it isn't. You tell me softly, that I lie. Why do you blame yourself? He can be cold, incensed at the slightest things. You tell me you are like that as well, and therefore has no right to tell him to behave otherwise. I accept it because you do.

He always seems to be doing something you don't really approve, but you cherish your friendship too much to voice out. I almost sneer at you, calling you a coward. You stare at me blankly, telling me to stay quiet. He asks you why you always seem to cry. You wonder if it is wrong. You can't seem to retort that everyone has the right to cry, and just because he doesn't seem to ever do so, makes anyone who does seem less strong.

He seems disinterested.

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She rarely ever talks to you. She runs to you whenever she feels rejected, hurt or angered. You comfort her, and the next day she's gone. You say she is grateful. But around others, you don't seem to exist in her eyes. She seems to know you will be there when she needs something or someone. And you can't ever bring yourself to deny her. Is that healthy for a friendship that seems only like one-way support?

She laments, and fails to see what is so obvious and blatant. You shake your head, and wonder if it is the same for you. I see you reflecting, from every angle, from every point. The confusion in your mind is apparent. I can see that you don't understand. She says she is stunned whenever she sees you cry, because you rarely seem to break down. You wonder if that statement still stands, and does everyone believe so too.

She seems occupied.

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You tell me it is your own fault. For, perhaps, not trusting him or her enough to confide in them. You say you are afraid, that your problems will be dismissed, and something will preside the conversation. I laugh, telling you that this is not friendship. You say you are working hard. I say you aren't. You tell me there is no light, for you are not welcome anywhere, a third wheel in every relationship, and no one of your own.

You tell me that so many things have changed, you're too tired to keep up, you wonder why are you the only yet to move on. You tell me you are so drained, always so lost. You tell me you don't put in enough effort in some aspects, but you don't even want to, in the first place. Sometimes you just want to stay silent, you don't want to offer any support. You want to be cold, you want to master apathy. I ask - would that bring you happiness?

You tell me you do strive to be good in something. I see you fighting to be accepted. You don't think you are special. So says half of the rest of the general population. I assure you that insecurity is not something you wish to keep until death. That you must remain positive, loving yourself more than anyone does, for if there's any last thing to hold onto, it is yourself. You ask me would there ever be anyone. I tell you to look around. You say you have. I believe, then maybe, it's over.

You look at me, uncertainty clouding your already dull eyes. Are you that unworthy? I refuse to answer. I think maybe you look too much into every single word, every single action. You care too much, that is your fault. You don't want to be a loner, but you are so frustrated. I tell you that you have always been a deluded individual, too shut up in your own world. Do you see the sky so clear, the world's last graces?

You glance at me, a wistful smile upon your face, whispering calmly, "I will, someday."

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I AM; END; 22:57pm; 23 June 2004; Wednesday Akino Arai - Kanaete