Talking Eyes

By Moeru H.

Summary: Struggling to make sense of one of life’s complexities, one woman decides to give her eyes a chance.

o0o0o0o

My eyes twitched at the sight of the ill- tempered sun that had turned dramatically from a gloomy yellow to a bright, irritating amber. Maybe it was the unpredictability of the weather that caused my unwarranted uneasiness but it was no doubt that my eyes and their habitual twitching had something to do with it. They were always the most sensitive ones and for the longest time, I had been denying them of their prudence, their good sense of judgment, until one day, that seemingly ordinary day.

o0o0o0o

“Y- you, you have no place here!” One man had shouted.

“Why don’t you go back to where you came from. We don’t need another troublemaker.” Another man bellowed.

I was just passing by the town’s main road when I heard this little commotion. Rumors spread that the man the townspeople wanted out was a man with a dark past. A past so dark that this self- righteous town could not accept. After serving 15 years of his sentence in jail for killing the owner of the cloth shop he was working for, he was always seen roaming from town to town because no one wanted to accept him. This town was not an exception. Someone as tainted as this man was not welcome in this unblemished town. Even I was a bit wary of the man but there were no concrete thoughts that formed inside my narrow head. There was something different about him and I could clearly see it in his eyes. When I saw his reaction on his accusers’ berating, it completely altered my views on him and decided that one day, I would talk to him and know the real him.

“What do you have to say for yourself, killer? Don’t just stand there.”

The man, whose head was lowered and eyes comfortably shut, without any sign of irritation or resentment, raised his head slowly at the chance given to him to speak. Showing no intimidation and anger at all, his eyes looked intently at the two people in front of him and gave them a small smile. The two was taken aback by his retaliation. It was not what they were expecting. And the smile, it wasn’t a malicious one, but that of acceptance and apology. Acceptance and apology of what? Their words? Their accusations? Feeling defeated and insulted, they left, wordless, but not before one spat near the man’s feet as if getting back for the embarrassing state he had brought on them. The man just stood there, his eyes following his accusers’ way.

o0o0o0o

Still under the radiance of the sun, I soaked my feet in the cool lake water while I watched the fishermen go by their own businesses. I had been sitting on the dock’s huge plank of wood, where the unused boats were tied at its poles, for more than an hour and all I could think about was the man I was supposed to meet in just a couple of hours. I knew my first impression of him wasn’t justified that was why I made my move and asked him one day if we could have a private chat someday. That day was today.

o0o0o0o

At the outskirts of town, a house, that had surely seen better days, humbly blended alone among the trees and bushes. They, too, looked like they had not been taken care of for decades and were obviously forgotten.

One old lady pointed to me the house of the town’s most famous outcast when I asked where it was. I saw the lady’s discomfort the moment I spoke of his name: Yosef. I thought she was overreacting, I thought the whole town was overreacting. Hatred, fear and hypocrisy had clouded their minds and hearts that they were greatly missing a chance to know someone who apparently was struggling with his own demons. At least that was what I saw, through his eyes.

When I arrived at the front of the house’s wrecked door, I couldn’t help comparing Yosef with his home. Both were striving to stand up in a harsh environment in an indifferent time. Both had seen a caring nature but were not fortunate enough to experience it for a long time. How cold was fate to make the man go through an irony like this. I knocked softly at the door to not cause it more damage. He answered my knock immediately and when he opened the door, I could see, most vividly through his eyes, his surprise that someone had come to see him. Maybe he was thinking I was another who would try to crush his spirit, his confidence. But just as fast as his face went to disbelief, he received me with another of his pure and sympathetic smiles. I smiled back. It was the least I could do for him.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you ever since that incident with the two who confronted you…”, my voice trailed off as if to cue that he should get what I was saying. He didn’t move an inch so I continued. “You might think this is weird but I can see something in you that I need to understand.” He made no motion to it either. Was I wrong about this man? Was he just pretending to be tolerant and nice so he could save his own skin from the town’s mob if he acted otherwise? My thoughts vanished when he spoke.

“I think I know what you mean.”

I translated his words as a yes and gave him the place and day of when we could have a friendly talk. I didn’t know if I heard him correctly but in a soft whisper, I perceived his words as a “thank you”. I left satisfied with myself.

o0o0o0o

Looking at the clouds that moved haphazardly, fighting so the sun would not be successful in coloring the entire sky with a sinister dark orange, I enjoyed myself in watching the little battle ensue.

I noticed that time went by easily as I recalled my other chance meetings with Yosef. The other folks detected the impending friendship that was forming between the two of us and they didn’t see it as a good sign. In response, I ignored their needless repetition of Yosef’s past. If I were wrong in judging him as a good man, then I was ready to face the consequences of my assessment, even if it might cause me my life. Why am I willing to risk my life, anyway? At the back of my head, this thought kept nagging at me. What made this man different from any other? Maybe I saw in him another chance I could have done for someone a long time ago.

o0o0o0o

“Get out!” I had yelled at the loudest sound I could muster. “Get out, get out! I don’t want anything to do with you! I can’t believe you hid something as terrible as that!” Tears started welling up in my eyes. The betrayal I felt overwhelmed me that I couldn’t make myself act humane. All I wanted was him out of my sight, at once. I didn’t care if he regretted his past actions, I didn’t care if he had never done it ever since. As long as he was alive, he would have to live with his mistake and severely suffer from it.

Not a night went by without being haunted in dreams by my unpleasant reaction to a man I had known to like, Mikhel. I could clearly remember his eyes that spoke of the truth, but I ignored them. We had been friends for many months until he decided to tell me things I should have known at the very beginning of our first acquaintance.

“You did what? For self- defense? I don’t believe you! You killed him in cold blood!” I didn’t let him finish his sentences. I bombed him non- stop accusations, without even thinking if they were reasonable or not. He was the first murderer I met. And he even killed someone I knew. It was a friend of my dad’s. But that was the only thing I knew about him, together with his name: Sam. I heard rumors that he would always get drunk and would harass people who would pass his house. But they were only rumors. I would never know if it were all truth or just lies, so I let it slip. But I could not let his murderer slip. Even for months of friendship. After Mikhel’s revelation, we never saw each other again.

I could not stand the dreams anymore so I decided to ask for advice from someone that I respected the most. He was very old and I could tell that those eyes of his had seen a lot of things, a lot of wisdom. I told him what he needed to know and after letting out a sigh, he spoke. “Everyone has a past or two that he doesn’t want to talk about to just anyone, until he perceives that the right time has come for people to know. Now, you may think that he did something very terrible, but doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? Especially those who do their best to amend their mistakes? I can sense that you believe in this as well, hence the persistence of your dreams. You’re just blocking it because of your prejudices. Why don’t you let go of that and you’ll be much well off.” And with that, he left me alone.

I needed to get away. Get away from my guilt, get away from my mistakes. I was not as pure as I made myself to believe anymore. I left my hometown and searched aimlessly for something that would awaken my dead soul.

o0o0o0o

Were the fates being cruel that I came to a town that was very close to home? But maybe it was also fates’ twisted scheme, at the same time kind, that I met Yosef, a chance not to commit the same mistake again.

Two hours had passed and I saw his figure nearing my direction. That last thought about my life sent me edgy as he sat beside me on the narrow board of the dock. He was a killer, after all. I brushed the negative thought and listened closely to the words he was declaring.

“It’s okay; I understand that you feel uneasy. After all, I was a killer.”

Was I that transparent? I felt ashamed with myself. I didn’t want him to think that I saw him only as a killer like how the townspeople considered him.

“S-sorry.” I stuttered.

“You don’t have to be” was his reply.

Silence hovered for a few seconds, then, I began our conversation. “Why did you kill your employer?”

I knew it was rude to start off our conversation at that but I couldn’t help myself. The answer was essential for my understanding of his situation. Though he was entitled to protect himself from yet another harsh judgment from me, with white lies and justifications of his action, I trusted him to tell the truth, even if it would make me sick to my stomach, even if he would look the worst in front of me.

“The shop owner had his ways to make you do the things you didn’t want to. I had been hearing stories about his acts towards his workers and those acts were really despicable for someone like me. Maybe he was waiting for the right moment to ruin me, just like the others before me, because he only approached me after working for him for 5 years. One day, he asked me to do something with him….”

His eyes were screaming anger. It was so evident that he was reliving that horrible part of his past. I didn’t expect him to be still as affected as he was at this time. Somehow, I felt guilty for making him go through it again. Before I could continue my own thoughts, he resumed his story.

“I was enraged just by the thought. I couldn’t contain my rage so I killed him. It was the result of the accumulated anger I felt for him for what he did to the other workers. But I was full of regret after that. I knew justice would come to haunt me. If I resist, I would be no different from the man I murdered. So, I didn’t move on the spot where the dead body laid. I just waited. I haven’t forgiven myself for that, even until now. I don’t even think fifteen years is enough to compensate for that murder.”

His head bowed, his eyes hidden by quivering eyelids. I felt awful for not being empathetic towards him as I should be. As I hadn’t seen death with my own eyes, I would never understand him and his grief completely. Fifteen years was an awfully long time and still, he was miserable. All I could add for acknowledgment is another “sorry”. His eyes opened at the word and pierced them directly into mine. Those eyes, what were they saying? I wasn’t receiving the silent message clearly and an awkward silence was all that was left for us to hear.

Our short dialogue was cut, though, by another man who was all naked with grease all over his body. He started talking as if he were drunk.

“So, this is your next victim?” Was he talking about me? “Let me save you the trouble and….”

I figured the man was deranged so I ignored him. Every town had a few of them. Most people would call them a “lost cause” and whatever you do against them would only reflect badly on you. But my naïveté, that all of them were harmless, caused me my dear life. The next thing I knew, I was covered with my own blood. I gasped to hold on to what was left for me to do. Though my eyes were hazy, I still got a glimpse of the eyes of the two men standing before me. One, full of concern and remorse. The other one, wrapped with apathy and coldness. Just when I thought I understood human nature, life would be taken away from me just to realize that I had no idea about it. I closed my eyes and for the last time, I accepted that my eyes, Yosef’s, the townspeople’s, and even the madman’s eyes would never talk again. Never. At least my journey wasn’t a complete waste. Yosef would not be the same again.

o0o0o0o

“A man is what he is, not what he used to be.” - Yiddish proverb

The End

A/N: So, what did you think? This had gone through its 2nd revision for a project in our Creative Writing class. I hope it didn’t have that many errors.

I got the inspiration for this fic from first, the Jap movie Zatoichi Takeshi Takano (the idea of using lots and lots of flashbacks), second, the manga/anime series Rurouni Kenshin Nobuhiro Watsuki and lastly, the Jewish view on repentance.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to review.