EXISTENTIAL MUSINGS ON THE MEANING OF LIFE

-by bfmusashi-

CHARACTERS

TODD – A twelve year old student with a foul attitude and a worse mouth.

MAN – A middle-aged visitor to the bathroom.

SETTING

A faculty bathroom, obviously not regularly used (or cleaned), and very dilapidated. There is one stall on the left, facing the audience and boxed in by two large, grimy panels. The door of the stall is just a frame so that the audience can see through it, but the characters treat it as if it were a solid door. Inside the stall is an old porcelain toilet with a black, institutional seat. The rest of the bathroom is bleak: two dirty sinks on the opposite side of the bathroom away from the stall, a broken mirror, and a badly dented trash can in one corner. The floor is dirty; the paint is peeling from the walls.

Lights up on TODD, who enters the bathroom with a tired look on his face and a dejected, sullen walk. He trudges over to the stall slowly, opens the door and faces the toilet. The lights go very dim for a moment. Then he shuts the stall door and fiddles with the door lock until he finally gets it to work.)

TODD: (sadly) They’ll never find me in here. . .

(He shuts the toilet lid, turns to face the audience, and sits on top of the toilet. He grasps his head between his hands and moans softly. He reaches down into the pockets of his baggy pants and pulls out a battered pack of gum, a quarter, and a toothbrush. A disappointed look forms on his face as he slowly puts the pack of gum and the quarter back. He is contemplating the toothbrush when the sounds of footsteps startle him. He quickly shoves the toothbrush into his pocket and huddles down on the toilet seat as if to hide. Lights up on the MAN. He whistles cheerily to himself, unaware of TODD’s presence. Moving over to a sink, he stares at his reflection in the cracked mirror. Meanwhile, TODD stands on top of the toilet seat to peer over the door of the stall, but he slips and nearly falls to the floor. He just catches himself on the stall walls. The MAN looks over his shoulder.)

MAN: (surprised) Who’s there?

(TODD doesn’t answer, but curls himself into a tight ball on the toilet seat to appear as small as possible. Suddenly he sneezes, and then fiercely claps his hands over his nose. At the sound of the sneeze, the MAN whirls around to face the stall.)

MAN: Aha! Who’s in there?

TODD: (yelling) Get outta here!

(The MAN is startled and steps back.)

MAN: No need to shout—

TODD: I said get outta here! Get the hell outta here!

MAN: What’s the problem? Are you sick? Would you like some help, or—

TODD: NO, I don’t NEED any help. I already told ya to get outta here!

MAN: (annoyed) You’re a student, right? You sound like a student.

TODD: My GOD, would ya just piss off already?

MAN: What grade are you in, young man?

TODD: (with derision) Up yours! Now piss off!

MAN: (chuckling under his breath) Well, my angry young friend, what might you be doing in there? In a faculty bathroom, too! You know, students aren’t supposed to be in here.

TODD: (sarcastically) Oh yeah? And what’re you doing in here, huh? This is the abandoned faculty bathroom. NO one’s supposed to be in here.

MAN: (embarrassed) Well… I’m supposed to be here.

TODD: (sneering) That so? Who are ya anyway? You sound kinda familiar…

(The MAN ponders this question for a second or two. He clears his throat and makes his voice deeper.)

MAN: I am one of the janitors. I’m supposed to come up here . . . to clean up.

TODD: (slowly) Well, ya do a piss poor job. My dad said that janitors are all morons, an’ he says that’s what I’m gonna be.

MAN: That’s not a very nice thing to say. I’ve known lots of janitors who are wonderful people.

TODD: Bullcrap! I bet they’re all retards.

MAN: (quickly) Watch your language, young man. What are you doing in here, anyway, and why have you locked yourself up in that stall?

TODD: I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m just gonna stay in here until you leave, and then I’m gonna slit my throat.

(The man, stunned by this remark, steps back, with a concerned expression.)

MAN: K-Kill yourself…? Surely you’re not serious?

TODD: Dead serious. Gonna slit my throat, maybe my wrists—haven’t decided yet—as soon as you leave me the hell alone, like I’ve asked ya to for, like, fifty times.

(A pause, as the MAN composes himself.)

MAN: Young man…

TODD: Yeah?

MAN: Ah, I see you haven’t killed yourself quite yet.

TODD: I will after you leave, which ya could do right ‘bout now.

MAN: No, I think I’ll stay. Look here, now. What are you planning to kill yourself with?

(TODD reaches into his pocket and pulls out the toothbrush, looking it over.)

TODD: (sighing) I got…a…a knife. (sarcastically) Ah, Don’t worry, I won’t make a mess.

MAN: There are no weapons in this school. Where’d you get a knife?

TODD: (defiantly) From homeroom. That ol’ bat’s got a whole drawer full of stuff she’s taken from kids. She don’t even know what she’s got in there. I swiped it from the drawer when she wasn’t looking, which is, like, all the time.

MAN: I see… Why don’t you come out where I can see you? I’d like to talk face to face with you.

TODD: No way. Gonna take this knife and stab my guts the second you get your ass outta here.

MAN: (genuinely concerned) Now SEE here! I want you to STOP talking like that! You do NOT want to do that to yourself. I warn you. I will break into that stall and stop you.

(TODD snaps his head in the direction of the MAN, sticking his tongue out.)

TODD: (defiantly) You touch this stall, mister, and I’ll holler so damn loud that everyone’ll come runnin’ and bust in here an’ see a crazy pervert like you with a poor boy like me. Then I’ll tell ‘em how you brought me in here, and started touching me ‘n stuff, and how I had to‘scape into this stall to get away. I seen this kinda thing on TV before. They’ll send your ass to jail for, like, forever!

MAN: (flustered) Young man . . .ah . . .got quite an imagination, don’t you?

TODD: (smugly) I’m mature for my age.

MAN: Misguided and puerile would be more fitting.

TODD: What the hell’s pu-er-ill? You insultin’ me?

MAN: (sighing) Look, son, let’s talk about this. Maybe I can help you out of whatever predicament has brought you to your current situation.

TODD: (suspiciously) Why should I tell YOU ‘bout anything?

MAN: Well, I might be able to help you, son. I’m older, and I’ve seen a lot more than you. Let’s talk, and if you still want to kill yourself, then I’ll leave you alone to do it. Is that fair enough?

TODD: (slowly) I guess so.

MAN: Ah! Excellent. Now, why don’t you start by telling me why you want to commit suicide?

TODD: I… I gotta do it. I’m in trouble, again. I got into a fight today at recess. Third one this month. It was with Josh Cramer. Smashed him a couple times in the nose and the mouth. Felt great!

MAN: Ah, yes, I do remember seeing young Mr. Cramer with a bloody nose in the nurse’s office. I didn’t know you were the one who gave it to him.

TODD: Yeah, well… Fat rich punk was just asking for it. He’s always buggin’ me. Thinks he’s better than everybody ’cause his ol’ man is some rich lawyer. Then Mrs. Dorin came to break it up and she was gonna’ take me to Mr. Wellon’s office, but I gave her the slip. Didn’t wanna see no damn principal, ‘specially the one we got here. You know him?

MAN: Oh . . . Well . . . he’s not a bad fellow.

TODD: He’s a fatass bozo. All those stupid speeches filled with big words he makes every morning on the announcements. No one ever listens, ‘an they jus’ piss me off so much. He’s a fatass big mouth, just like Cramer.

MAN: I see.

TODD: So I gave her the slip for a while, but she come after me. She was chasing me and almost had me by the main office, but I called her an ugly bitch with fake tits ‘n she got so teary that I got away.

MAN: Young man, that’s a terrible thing to say to her. Er… How do you know all this about her?

TODD: Oh, she brags all the time in the teacher’s lounge. Won’t shut up. You can hear it all through the window in the boy’s bathroom. That ain’t the half of it. Ya oughta hear all the other stuff she says too! Anyway, I got away from her, and then I by accident broke a window on the way up here.

MAN: A window? How in the world did you break a window?

TODD: Paint cans. Downstairs, where they’re painting the hallway… I…um, took one of the cans and was gonna chuck it at Mrs. Dorin, and I…ah… I kinda missed, and it hit one of the windows they’re puttin’ up down there… So then I ran up here… Say, you ain’t one of them painters, are you?

MAN: Oh no, I’m just a janitor.

TODD: Are you sure? I know I’ve heard yer voice somewhere before. You talk too good for a janitor.

MAN: (clearing throat) Young man… Well now, it really seems that you’re quite the troublemaker. So you got into a fight, insulted a teacher, and broke a window. Quite an impressive series of offenses. Are you proud of them, young man?

TODD: (miserably) Nah… I get into trouble a lot. They all say I’m the trouble type. That’s why I gotta kill myself.

MAN: Son… You know, whatever punishment you might get for all of this certainly wouldn’t be as bad as killing yourself. Getting into a fight, insulting a teacher, even breaking a window, they all hardly rise to the level of capital crimes.

TODD: They’ll… They’ll call my parents then…

MAN: Well, yes, for sure, you parents should know about this, young man. They certainly need to know that you’re getting into trouble in school.

(TODD doesn’t answer for a long time, and begins to sob.)

MAN: Ah… Young man?

(The MAN approaches the door. TODD covers his face with the folds of his shirt to muffle the sobs.)

TODD: (sniffling) T-They… They’ve already called my parents… A-A whole buncha times… My parents know… They . . .

MAN: (concerned) They know what? What do your parents do, son?

TODD: I don’t wanna say. . .

MAN: Please, son.

TODD: I… My dad…he hits me . . . sometimes.

MAN: Good Lord.

TODD: M-Mom tries to stop him, but she’s, like, hardly ever home anymore to do anything. She’s out most of the time . . . working, I s’ppose . . . Sometimes she leaves at night. I watched her leaving, but she didn’t know I saw her. Once I asked Dad about it, and he didn’t know she was leaving either. So him and Mom had a big fight. . . This was a while back. They’ve had lots and lots of fights ever since then . . . Now they’re never really in the house together anymore… Just one or the other. Lately it’s been Dad, ‘cause Mom is mostly out.

MAN: I see. So, when your parents . . . well . . . so when your father, that is, hears about the trouble that you get into at school, he beats you?

TODD: Sometimes . . . ‘n he yells at me, ‘n calls me worthless . . . useless . . . lots of other stuff. I think it’s because he’s been drinking more . . . maybe ‘cause of the problems with Mom. Anyway . . .when he finds out that I’m in trouble again . . . I’m gonna’ get it.

MAN: But if he punishes you for misbehaving, why don’t you try behaving for a change? That would change things, wouldn’t it?

TODD: (exasperatedly) I do! I try! I try my hardest not to get into trouble, you gotta believe me! But I just can’t help it… Dad, he beats the CRAP outta me every night and then he tells me that if I tell anyone, he’ll beat me worse. What am I supposed to do? It’s not the beatings so much as… Well, Mom is gone to who knows where, Dad beats the crap outta me all the time, and I gotta keep all this a SECRET! It never ends. Every time I get into trouble and he finds out, he beats me n’ screams at me. When I don’t get into trouble, he does it for fun. And…and when Mom’s home, all the two of them do is fight. My Dad…he…he hits Mom too, sometimes. And she hits back. I-I don’t wannna watch. I don’t wanna see them fight.

(TODD has stopped sniffling.)

MAN: (sadly) That’s horrible. But son…what would killing yourself solve?

TODD: (loudly) You kiddin’? They don’t want me! Neither of them. All they want me to do is stay outta their way. Neither one of them cares. I’m better off killing myself than letting my Dad do it. Besides… If I killed myself…I’d SHOW THEM! I’d TEACH them! THEN they’d be sorry!

MAN: (deeply pained) Young man…

TODD: Stop with all that “young man” stuff… My name’s Todd.

MAN: Todd. Look, Todd. It may be difficult for you to believe me, but I want you to know that I think I can understand what you’re feeling. I think I know what you’re going through now, and I think I can help you.

TODD: (sarcastically) Hah. Yeah, right. I’m sure. You’re some lazy candyass janitor. What are you gonna do?

MAN: Please, Todd. I DO understand your problems. When I was your age—

TODD: (quickly) Your parents beat you too?

MAN: (slowly) No, not exactly. But, as a young man, I was very depressed. I had a great deal of anger in me, much like the rage that you’ve shown me today. I thought about suicide once, but a friend stopped me. He talked me out of it, which is what I going to do for you.

TODD: Hah! I oughta kill myself . . . Get it over with . . . I’ve got nothin’ to live for.

MAN: You may think so. That’s what I thought when I was around your age. That’s what a lot of young people think. But suicide…suicide is not the answer. Suicide is never the answer. It doesn’t work, Todd.

TODD: Yeah it does. When I’m dead, they be sorry!

MAN: (shaking his head) Maybe, maybe not, but you won’t know because…Todd…you’ll be DEAD. You won’t be around to see the effect of your death. Maybe it will work. Maybe your parents will appreciate you, but then again, you won’t know. Don’t you see?

(TODD is silent. He bites down on his lip furiously and fidgets with his hands.)

TODD: Maybe? But…what’ve I got to live for? My dad drinks his life away then beats me. Mom’s never around.

MAN: Son, there’s more to life than you could ever imagine. How old are you?

TODD: Twelve.

MAN: My God! You’re only twelve years old, Todd! This isn’t the end of your life. It’s the beginning. You’ve seen the bad things in life, but there are plenty of good things to see, plenty of good things to do! For goodness sake, just because you haven’t seen them doesn’t mean they’re not there.

MAN: (trying desperately to get his point across) Todd, listen to me. I know that the urge to escape from your temporary pain is great. But there’s so much in life that you haven’t yet experienced, and it would be a grievous WASTE for you to throw away the chance to experience it. Todd, please. Kill yourself and you cheat yourself.

TODD: (looking up) You? Yer a janitor. How can you talk to me about wasting my life and cheatin’ myself?

MAN: (hurriedly) Never mind that. I can HELP you. There are lots of people who can help you.

TODD: I… I don’t…know.

MAN: (softly) Todd, are you a coward?

TODD: What? (indignantly) No way.

MAN: Do you know why I ask? Because suicide is the coward’s way, Todd. Suicide is the path that cowards take when they’re afraid of facing life. Are you afraid?

TODD: (indignantly) No way.

MAN: And you’re not a fool or a sucker either, are you?

TODD (indignantly) No way.

MAN: Suicide is for fools and suckers. It’s for people who don’t care that they are cheating themselves out of their own life. And you, my young friend, are not a fool, and as you just said, you’re not a coward or a sucker. So, if you’re not any of those, then…then, you have to live.

(TODD looks confused.)

MAN: (gently, after a pause) Todd?

MAN: Please, Todd.

(Standing up from the toilet seat, TODD wipes the sweat from his forehead.)

TODD: I-I… Um… What’s going to happen to me? . . . About the fight . . .and the window . . .and Mrs. Dorin. . . I’m in a lotta trouble. You’ll send me to the principal, won’t you?

MAN: (smiling) Don’t worry, my young friend.

TODD: But…you gonna tell my parents?

MAN: No. As for your parents, I don’t have much power over them, but I do think I can arrange for the principal to call them…maybe to tell them how well their son is performing in school. Your dad would be proud of that, wouldn’t he?

TODD: (flabbergasted) I guess . . . At least, maybe he wouldn’t beat me. . . But . . . Why would the principal lie for me?

MAN: Oh, it’s not a lie. Not really. After all, you’ve learned a lot today, right here, more than you’ve ever learned in any of your classes.

TODD: (quickly) Wait a sec… Who the heck ARE you, anyway?

(TODD slowly opens the stall door. The MAN smiles at him. TODD, on the other hand, looks bewildered. He stumbles backwards and points a trembling finger at the MAN.)

TODD: (sputtering) You! Y-You… Gah! Mr. W-Wellon! You’re… The…the PRINCIPAL?!

MAN: (chuckling) Yes, that’s me. I am the principal, yes.

TODD: (still sputtering) You…You told me you were a janitor! A-And… And here I was, telling you all ‘bout myself…and…and you’re the freakin’ PRINCIPAL?! I-I KNEW ya talked too good for a janitor! Your voice sounded familiar… But ya changed it…

MAN: Well, yes. You locked yourself in that stall and I thought that something might be wrong. Tell me, young man, would you have told me anything if you were aware that I was the principal?

TODD: (slowly) I…I guess not…

MAN: Exactly! I want to help you, Todd, but first, I had to convince you that I was someone you could talk to. I guess in the grand scheme of things a life more than offsets a lie. Now about the knife…you have to give that to me.

(Todd, somewhat embarrassed, fishes in his pocket and pulls out the toothbrush.)

TODD: I never had a knife. She got one in that drawer, though. My homeroom teacher, I mean. She’s got lots, but I just didn’t get around to swiping one yet. All I got’s this.

(TODD offers the MAN his toothbrush.)

TODD: But why do you want to help me, after all the trouble I caused?

MAN: (smiling) Todd, remember how I said I was very much like you when I was your age? Well, that wasn’t a lie. I WAS like you. I had your fire. And to tell you the truth, I actually ran away to hide in this bathroom once when I was a student here, just like you. I found a piece of glass from a broken window, and I came in here to kill myself. But the difference is, I almost did…really. But someone followed me and stopped me. Later, I became a teacher, mostly, I think, because I thought I could help others avoid what I went through as a child. After a while, I became the principal of this school, and that is when I closed off this bathroom. It’s in an out-of-the way place and I don’t want anyone else to try what I tried long ago. It’s hard for me to come back here, but I do it every so often, to remind myself of what my job in this school really is. That is why, my young friend, I said I was supposed to be here.

(Todd is speechless.)

MAN: I learned more than I expected today. I learned some things about my school that I never knew before: I guess I ought to listen more. And there are some things I have to change. But in you, I saw . . . myself . . . years ago . . . which is why I was so set on helping you.

TODD: (breathlessly) Wow.

MAN: Now what do you say we clear out of here?

(TODD slowly nods his head and a small smile emerges on his face for the first time. The MAN reaches over and pats TODD on the shoulder.)

MAN: Good boy.

(The MAN walks towards the exit of the bathroom, gesturing for TODD to follow.)

TODD: Wait just a sec…

(TODD reaches back and pulls the toilet’s flush lever. He watches the water as it flushes. The lights blackout and the curtain falls.)

Author's Note: This is a ten-minute play that I wrote for a contest a while back. It's a lot harder to write an effective ten-minute play than it seems, which I soon found out while composing this. Needless to say, it was an interesting experience to write something that totally depended on the dialogue of two characters. I also had some fun thinking of the setting--I can remember asking myself what sort of setting would intrigue and surprise me if I were reading a ten-minute play, and I finally came up with the idea of having the whole thing take place in a bathroom. The concept then struck me of having the fairly deep "existential musings" of suicide and child abuse stressed upon in such a seemingly absurd setting. Whether or not this play wins me anything in the contest remains to be seen, but in the meantime, I hope you liked reading it. :)