This story was inspired by a lot of problems I had in my mind, not all my own. Then I thought to myself, what if someone had all the answers to my problems? Before I tried to find the quick answer myself? What if someone could help me, before I lose myself, someone to show me the way home, even after I've done everything wrong? I guess you could call this the answer to the What If. Tell me if you like.

Short Story: Going Home
By, Ana F. Meléndez

Sometimes we feel alone. Painfully alone. An emptiness inside like the bitter poison of a deadly snake. But what about those who are never alone? Do they not feel pain as well? Is their poison not bitter as well? Pain is pan and it will always be that way. That’s how I realized the day I died that there was no greater pain. Pain is pain and it would always be that way.

I could see myself lying on the ground of a room so white I didn’t know if it had walls or if its space was eternal. It was strange to be able to see myself like this. I looked like a porcelain doll. Then I saw my eyes open and I didn’t see myself anymore. I could only see through my eyes. Then I realized the porcelain doll I looked like felt broken. I heard soft footsteps like raindrops falling from the leaves into a tranquil lake. I sat up finally feeling the cloth that covered my body. A white dress, maybe the only white dress I had ever worn since I was five. I could see something black approaching and my heart was beating like a drum, draining my life away.

I closed my eyes and threw myself on the ground with hope that whoever or whatever it was wouldn’t stop to notice me. But as I heard the footsteps stop, the sounds having been close to me, I felt a fear growing inside of me. Regret, guilt, all that nurturing my fear. But then I felt a cold touch on my shoulder. Strangely the touch was indeed cold, but it made me feel warm and my fear was gone. I looked up and saw his eyes snaring me away.

"You are dead, Celeste, and I’m here to take you home" his voice was like a gust of warm wind and if it wasn’t for his touch I would’ve cried and tried to run for my life. Even if I wasn’t alive anymore. I tried to talk, to say a word, but it wasn’t his presence that made me uneasy now. Now that he had revealed to me what I hadn’t yet understood, it looked to me like a hospital room, but perhaps now it would be my death chamber.

"Shall I take you then, to a place of comfort?" he asked with a youthful smile. The white room suddenly became a rainbow of all colors that were suddenly dancing in circles. The only color that stood still was his own. His black hair scarcely moved with the other colors or even with the wind. I felt like fainting for a moment. I thought maybe my hair would turn white like my mother usually said it would if I had an experience that could make my heart go into shock. But he was still touching me and that kept my heart controlled, my fear minimized. But as I saw the floor beneath me move and shift with colors, I jumped on him. My arms were clinging around his neck, my legs resting on his lap. I closed my eyes feeling a serenity that almost melted my soul. Feeling his arms around me, I knew for the first time peace and I hoped it wouldn’t be the last.

I opened my eyes towards familiar sounds. There were birds chirping, shallow water running gently against the rocks and the scent of flowers, like my grandmother’s perfume. He let his hands fall from my back, but I was still clinging. I felt like a child clinging to her father, to the person that gave her a lasting sense of security.

"You can let go, Celeste" he said brushing my hair with his fingers. His ivory fingers giving the blackness of my hair life.

"I- I don’t want to"I said looking around us. Everything looked real. It was nature at its best. But it looked so perfect, how could it be real?

"Celeste, there is nothing here that will harm you. Let go of me, of fear, of everything" he said making me cling harder.

"Am I really dead?" I asked, not wanting to believe it myself.

"For the moment, yes, but there is hope. If only you let go" he said touching my hands trying to pry them apart and he succeeded. But now I was holding his hands, but at least I was off him. I blushed realizing I had been very close to a man. Although I wasn’t sure he was one, at least a human one. I felt my mind clearing, but I still didn’t feel clean. Something inside of me was still sinking. He stood up, pulling me up with him. I could feel the grass beneath my feet, the earth moist, but pure.

"Where am I? What is this?" I asked, the beauty of it overwhelming me.

"This is just a dream for you. A dream I will create for you until you awake. A dream without pain." he said. His last words resonated in my mind. A dream without pain. But it was just a dream. Could he give me a life without pain?

"When you said I’d go home... where is home?" I asked.

"For now... here" he said finding a plain rock and patting it, inviting me to sit on it. I did as I looked at the calm water, and the currents fighting against the rocks.

"You had a wonderful life ahead of you... yet you gave up because of the life behind you" he said. I was still holding onto his hands.

"My past haunted me; I couldn’t run away from it. No matter how hard I tried, it always caught up" I said looking into the water.

"You should never run from your past, but embrace it"

"I tried! I tried so hard, but when I did I felt like it was cutting me to pieces"

"Because you embraced it blindly" he said. I turned my face to him angrily, squeezing his hand, but it didn’t hurt him at all. It hurt me. "You put it so far behind you, you embraced things without knowledge" he said.

"What things?" I asked bitterly, it angered me how he knew more about me than I did, but I quickly felt a rush inside, clearing out my emotions. It was him.

"Your friends. You turned your back to some for the sake of another. Without facts, without proof"

"They failed me!"

"And what about you to them? Did you not fail them as well?" he asked. I covered my face as the tears came streaming down and the chirping of the birds were silenced.

"They pity you. You have such a precious soul. But a tortured one. Tortured by you" he said. I cleaned away my tears. He hadn’t tried to touch me, to ease the pain and I was afraid to touch him.

"What was I supposed to do? It was too late! They hate me now and I couldn’t betray my friend. He had pushed them away for me; I wasn’t going to speak to them after all he did for me" I said.

"A simple apology would have not been betrayal. It would have set you free. But you kept the torment, even in your own home"

"He doesn’t count! He tried to kill my dog! He’s a murderer, from the beginning I didn’t trust him and he only gave me fear" I screamed. Was this hell?

"You didn’t have to be close to him, but your determined detachment of him separated you from your mom. Almost killing you" he said. I stood away from the rocks, kneeling in the grass. To me his words were like daggers piercing my very soul.

"You need to let go, to forgive" he said kneeling besides me, touching my shoulder to numb the pain.

"I forgave one! He betrayed me, trying to steal my friend away!" I said looking into the water seeing images of pain.

"You forgave him, because she did and you didn’t want to be the only one hating him. You just didn’t want to be alone." he said. I cried knowing he was right. He cupped my face making me look into his blue eyes. They were soothing. Unlike mine.

"It’s too late now, it doesn’t matter. I’m dead, aren’t I? And my home will be hell" I said, my voice shaken by my thoughts.

"It does matter. You were brought here to let go. To let go of the pain, but remember it. Don’t embrace the pain, learn from it. But remember to let go" he said, cleaning the trail of tears from my face and he continued "Your eyes should be as blue as the sky, not as blue as the tearful ocean. Remember that" he said as he grazed his cheek on mine and whispered in my ear "Hell is not your home, neither is heaven. Not yet. You’re going back and when you’re ready, I’ll be here to take you Home" he said looking into my eyes for the last time. For the first time I felt clean. No weight in my heart or my soul and he wasn’t touching me. I had ended the pain on my own. He moved his face closer to mine, our lips touched and I saw flashes. The white room returned. I choked feeling something strange travel up my throat. I puked, but it didn’t look shredded or disgusting, but just scattered pills on the ground. I looked up. The man or whatever he was was gone. I regretted not asking his name.

As I closed my eyes again I woke to a beeping sound slowly opening my eyes. It was a hospital room and it was indeed a dream. That day I learned that the fact that I was alive was miracle. I had a pharmacy of pills in my stomach. They pumped my stomach successfully and saved me from a fatal overdose. That day I apologized to everyone I met, even to those I owed nothing to. Although I never did quite talk to them as friends, I talked to them as human beings. Never again did I feel a weight in my soul, only joy as my children were born. There were times when I thought about the dream, about him. I didn’t wait for him; I didn’t call for death anymore, because, well, I didn’t need it. But I didn’t think he would come, at least not like I remember him. Because as my firstborn grew I realized the man was indeed a man and I knew his name. It was Joseph, just like the name of my son, for they were one and the same. It was my unborn son who saved me; he hadn’t even been planted in my womb when it happened so I consider it a miracle. Now I wait to see who will take me Home. I wait to see whose face Death will wear as it holds my hand to the world after this one. But it doesn’t matter who takes me, I know they’ll take me where I have to go. They’ll take me Home, and I’ll be ready because now I know I’ll go with a clean soul and a ready heart.