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A/N: For all the people who started reading “If You Like Pina Colodas,” this is for you. I’m sorry I haven’t updated it in a ca’jillion, ca’billion years. I don’t wanna screw up the story and I’ve come up against a wall. So I did a very similar story here. Hoping it will jog my creativeness for the other whilst having fun with this one. It’s a wee bit more vulgar so beware. This plot is inspired off of one of my favorite Manga’s of all time. Anyone who’s read that manga will know—if not now then definitely by the next chapter—which manga I’m totally biting off of. I’ve already started with chapter two. I hope you like reading it just as much as I enjoyed writing it!
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“Of fuck Ni-ni! Oh yes oh fuck yes yes YES!”
Naomi stared up at the ceiling as her body continued to bob up and down in rhythm to —what’s his name.
“Oh Jesus oh Jesus oh god.”
Why had she bothered to go out at all tonight? Damn it. She always seemed to pick out the losers. And he had seemed like such a suave and sophisticated man sitting at the bar. Buying her one blue Hawaii after the other. Pretty soon she had been dazzled by his charm. Totally taken in by his eyes and his dirty talk; mind you this was after a couple of drinks. Now, five hours into their…date? She was starting to sober up and realize his dirty talk was just—
“Oh baby yees! You like it don’t you oh you like it, you like my cock--”
Stupid.
As –E--what was his name?— As—guy with tiny penis continued to flop around like a fish out of water, Naomi found herself gazing at the clock. It was nearly one in the morning. One of her secret favorite shows should have started already. Yu-gi-Oh. A re-run from the earlier showing. Her best friend’s son Maddox was so into those shows. Pokemon, Digimon, Yu-gi-oh, Rave Master, Dual Masters. Naomi hated them all. That is, until she actually sat down and started to watch. She realized, not only was she into Yu-gi-oh but she loved Dragonball and YuYu Hakusho. Damn Jenny for having a boy instead of a girl.
“Look at me baby.”
Naomi’s eyes accidentally ran into his, it was hard to avoid him. He was on top of her and all. Jeez and now he was looking all intense and into the moment. What was a girl to do? The sooner he came then the sooner he’d go and maybe, Naomi thought, MAYBE she could actually catch the last five minutes of Yu-gi-Oh.
The man smiled. Ethan? Satisfied as the woman below him returned his passionate stare. Erik? He was nearing his peak and he wanted for her to look at him when he did. Elijah? He wanted her to be with him, to experience it together.
“Say my name.”
Oh jeez. Um.
“Say my name, come on,” his eyes were beginning to roll back into his head, he was almost there. All Naomi needed to do was remember. Remember god dammit!
Let’s see, it started with an E and it reminded her of England and he said he had lived there for three years and mimicked an English accent to prove it. Like that would do it.
“Edward?”! Naomi flinched.
But he didn’t seem to notice, whether or not it was his name didn’t matter, he was there. He had arrived. Good for him.
“I’m coming! I’m coming!”
“Oh-uh-yes! Edward!”
He tensed and convulsed and panted before finally rolling onto his back beside her, a sated smile playing across his lips.
“Was it good for you?” He wheezed.
“Um, yeah.” Naomi was searching for the remote, weren’t they always rigged onto the nightstand with a cable or snow-chain at motels? She should have found it already. Ah there!
“By the way,” he began,
“Hm?”
“Who’s Edward.”
Naomi froze in her channel searching.
Shit.
Jenny was holding onto her side as if her appendix had just burst and was oozing out of her skin. Naomi kind of wished it was.
“How the hell does Eugene remind you of England? Oh my god. You called him Edward during your fake orgasm!? Jesus Christ,” Jenny wiped a stray tear off of her cheek. “Thanks for that hon, I needed a good laugh.”
Naomi sat back in the dining room chair scowling at her best friend in the whole world. She was such a bitch sometimes. Why did she have to laugh so hard? It wasn’t that funny.
“Eugene…oh man.”
“Okay shut up Jenny, seriously.”
Maddox was drawing next to them at the table with his big child-proof crayons—you know, the kind that don’t break when you stab someone else in the face with one. Now that was Naomi’s kind of crayon. If Maddox wasn’t sitting across from her, slightly out of reach, aquarium blue would already be in Jenny’s matching eye.
If I’m gonna stab her in the eye with a crayon, it might as well match with her eye color, Naomi quietly reasoned.
“You do realize that your son is five and listening to this conversation, right.” Naomi mumbled, trying to change the direction of the conversation to a topic that would most likely get Jenny to shut up about her embarrassing escapade. Her child and/or parenting skills.
“Yes, and he’ll be six in three months!” Jenny was all smiles as she turned to gaze lovingly at her blond-haired son. “Won’t you Maddie.”
Maddox suddenly paused from his intense drawing session to hold up his fingers to the amount of six.
“I’ll be this many!” He said, with booming voice and eyes of a bored middle-aged man. It was obvious he did this a lot. Knowing Jenny, he probably recited this line, fingers and all, more than five times a day.
“Jeez Jenny, what are you doing to the poor kid?”
Jenny gently pinched the tiny boy’s cheek as he reflexively picked up the crayon he had set down to re-continue coloring outside of the lines of his Yu-gi-Oh coloring book. Which reminded Naomi, she had missed that episode and it was new too.
Naomi rested her cheek against her palm and sighed. “Life sucks sometimes.”
“Yeah.” Jenny agreed as she proceeded to pick up a crayon and join her son. “Especially if you can’t remember the name of your one night stand.”
“Jenny.”
“Hm?”
“Can you hand me the blue crayon, please?”
“Ms. Hunt, we triple counted row 32 A…there’s over four hundred of that one style, excluding the other styles and we’re not even half way through counting…” Jeffery’s voice trailed under Naomi’s unrelenting gleam. She was a tough person to work with. Naomi was known for her evil stare and commanding tone. She spoke to her co-workers as if she was their drill sergeant and they in turn acted like fearful recruits.
“Jeffery.”
“Y-yes.”
“We do inventory once a year. On one day a year.”
“Yes mam.”
“On that day the entire staff, from the janitor to the president of the company, is called to the warehouse to count every piece of merchandise we sell.”
“Yes...mam.”
“After the counts are done it is my job to go through all your final count sheets. Every row—all 40 rows of merchandise. You get me, Jeffery?”
Jeffery was too busy fidgeting and sweating to act confused.
“Y-yes mam.”
“So, if there’s over four-hundred counts for one style, and there are thirteen people on your team you will make sure it is right when in the end I alone will go through all of your finals. Am I making sense to you, Jeffery?
Jeffery could feel the sweat producing under his arms and on his shiny forehead. He wanted so much just to back away and fall into a manhole or an unmarked grave. He was partly embarrassed for her. She was being watched and gawked at for her quiet attack. Didn’t she realize that Jeffery was her senior in age? He was forty-five after all, at least twenty years older than Naomi.
“Count it again.”
“Yes mam.” Jeffery didn’t say another word. He quickly turned and headed back to his row to tell his team the bad news, they would have to count the fleece sweaters again and it was already three p.m.
--
Naomi stayed as long as she could. Even though she was the bitch that made the crew for row 32 A work over-time, she’d be damned if she allowed them a chance to call her lazy, because she was most certainly anything but.
It was around nine at night that Naomi started home back to her apartment on the first floor of her ten-floor overpriced complex. She had fought tooth and nail for that apartment. It was right next to her parking space which was rather convenient— if she had owned a car—and right next to the public laundry mat—if ever her own washer and dryer broke. It had been a bloody battle of the pay check with her rival—Mrs. Dupecheck from apartment 154D on the third floor. So what if Mrs. Dupecheck was older and the idea of walking up a flight of stairs would bring her closer to her end. That’s what the elevator was for. Naomi wasn’t going to take the sucky apartment just because she was younger. Screw that. She deserved that apartment just as much—if not more than—anyone else. She earned her way to where she was. At twenty-seven she was the chief operations officer at one of the most prominent clothing companies in the country. This title didn’t just fall into her lap like Mrs. Dupecheck’s dead husband’s money did.
As Naomi trudged through the ally of the deli near her apartment she realized she had forgotten her phone at the office. So she stood there considering taking a taxi for the twenty minutes it would take to get back. The traffic was light; maybe she should take advantage of that? Nah, she thought. It was almost tomorrow anyway, anyone that needed to call her could piss off. Sure, she didn’t have a home phone because she felt that having both a cell phone and a residential number was a waste of money, but she was going to go right to sleep anyway. What the hell did it matter? Right?
“Ow, my feet.” She peered down and her stockings and wondered why she ever thought that wearing heels and a skirt would be wise on inventory day. The day that everyone else always wore sneakers and jeans. Then she remembered. She wasn’t the kind of girl to show that side of herself around her co-workers. It was a business environment.
Yet I’m the kind of girl who has a one-nighter with a forgetful stranger? Jenny’s voice rang through Naomi’s head and she swatted at the thought. Looking like a scitzo, her arms flailing at nothing in particular.
“meow.”
Naomi seized her fit to follow the small noise that echoed in the empty ally. It was behind some old orange boxes and purple milk crates. A small dirty black kitten. Suddenly her heart melted into a pool in front of her designer heels. She was a sucker for strays, especially if they were young and cute.
“Where’s your mama?” Naomi asked as she held the small ball of fur at eye level.
“meow.”
“You want to come over to my place for some tuna and milk?”
“meow.”
Naomi brought the kitten closer to her face and sniffed. “And a long overdue bath?” She sputtered. Naomi smiled triumphantly. “Okay, it’s settled then. You’re coming to my place tonight. But you don’t try to escape off my balcony okay? My sliding door doesn’t lock.”
“meow.”
“I told the super but he hasn’t taken care of it yet. The useless tripe.” The kitten was too busy licking itself to respond with its customary meow. And Naomi thought they had a nice back and forth going on. What the hell was she thinking? Naomi had no idea why she had been talking to the kitten tucked under her arm, brief case in the other while limping in her heels. She probably really did look like a scitzo.
“Finally,” she muttered under her breath as she reached her front door.
“Nay-nay darling!” Naomi quickly spun around, dropping her brief case and hiding the cat behind her back. Pets weren’t allowed in the building. If you were caught with one you could be evicted. So many people wanted this particular apartment that Naomi had become a little bit paranoid. Especially around this woman.
“Hello Mrs. Dupecheck,” Naomi managed through a smile and gritted teeth. She just wanted the old crow to say her fake pleasant hello and leave.
Please don’t let her walk toward me. Please don’t let her walk toward me. Please don’t let her walk toward me.
Mrs. Dupecheck approached and Naomi could feel herself begin to panic. She could only hide the cat from a distance but if the old bag got close enough she wouldn’t have to see the small creature hiding behind her back, she would be able to smell it.
“Shit shit shit fuck shit fuck.” Naomi sputtered just loud enough for herself and maybe, her front door to hear. “God save me.”
Suddenly her front door came flying open and someone removed the ball of fur from her hand and flung it off in some direction inside her apartment (Naomi knew this because she had heard a tiny meow quickly grow farther away before hearing a very small but very loud THUD), just as Mrs. Dupecheck was front row center.
Mrs. Dupecheck’s eyes weren’t on Naomi’s anymore. They were on whoever had opened the door behind her. The old dusty look of lust still rang clear in the old gal’s eyes. You have to give her that much. Still alive and kickin’ well into her seventies.
“Well, my my who is this…young gentleman standing behind you. A house guest? A lover? A pet, perhaps? Could I borrow him after you?”
Uh. Ew.
“Uh-um, it was nice talking to you Mrs. Dupecheck but I gotta…catch up with my old—er—young friend here. Heh.” That was horrible. But it was polite enough wasn’t it? It was better than saying fuck off you old bitch—which is what Naomi originally wanted to say.
Without turning around, Naomi quickly picked up her briefcase and tossed it backwards into her apartment. After which she proceeded to walk backwards into her entrance room, running into her guest, but that didn’t stop her. She wasn’t going to stop moving, not until she was in enough to be able to close the door in the old woman’s face and lock it.
Which she promptly did when such a chance arouse.
Naomi took a deep breath and slowly spun around to face the person that had just saved her from being evicted. It was a he and a young he at that. Teenager looking young. Tall with a mop of loosely-hanging blond curls and icicle blue eyes. He was kinda not bad lookin. No wonder Dupecheck was acting all hot and bothered. But that wasn’t the important matter at hand and that needed to be addressed first and foremost.
“Who are you and how the hell did you get into my apartment?”
“Jacob and through the balcony.”
God-damn that super!
“WHY are you in my apartment.”
“I was in the middle of robbing you when I heard you at the door and—I”
“Wait-what?”
“Let me finish please.”
Naomi leaned back against the door, crossing her arms over her chest. “Fine. You got thirty seconds.”
Jacob nodded appreciatively. “Thank you.”
“Fuck you. Go.”
“Like I was saying. I was in the middle of taking only a few of your worldly possessions, that I’m sure you wouldn’t have missed when I heard you cussing like a sailor—do you always cuss like that? Ladies really shouldn’t cuss like that.”
“Hey, kid you got twelve more seconds you wanna tell me how to live my life or you do you wanna keep living yours?”
The boy stopped to smile and nod, “Good point.”
“So?” Naomi asked, her fingers tapping at her sides. She was growing rather inpatient and this boy had a smart mouth.
“You asked god to save you.”
Naomi snorted. “You saying you’re god?”
“No. But I think he sent me here to help you. There’s a no-pets policy here right? If she would have caught you that would have been the end of your lease, correct?”
Smart mouthed shit.
“You’re in the red for time here kid.”
“That’s it, I’m done. I was taking some of your stuff, I heard you call for god, I figured, why the hell not? So I helped you out. That’s all.”
Naomi smiled. “Uh-huh, cute story kid. And remind me why I shouldn’t call the cops or kick your ass so hard you’d feel it last year?”
“Last year—as opposed to this— Oh my. You’re clever aren’t you.”
That’s it. Naomi reached into her brief case only to remember she forgot her fucking phone. God dammit. Well, there was still the option of ass kicking. But he was taller and though he was still a child the kid had some muscle on his bones. Maybe she could talk her way outta this.
“Whaddya want kid.” Naomi asked, taking her place back up against the door. To which the boy replied with a shrug. “I dunno, some head?”
“Is it clean?”
He hadn’t expected that, and suddenly he blushed showing the youthful boy that hid underneath all the smart assiness.
“Why don’t you just take something. Anything.”
“What?” He looked a bit confused.
“You came to rob me right? Why don’t I turn my back and you go ahead and take something. Go on, it’s okay. Tell you what; I’ll even leave the room. I gotta go pee anyway.”
“What if what I want is in the bathroom?”
“Then just come in and take it!” She called over her shoulder.
She was in there for a good five minutes. Six minutes if you count the walk down the hall. She stood just in front of the bathroom door, giving him an extra thirty seconds, six and a half minutes should be enough time if he had already been scopin’ the place, right?
Naomi left the bathroom, gently closing the door behind her and paused in the hall to listen.
Silence.
He must be gone. A little relieved, she had to admit, she headed down the hall and made a left, toward the kitchen and nearly passed out.
He was still there. Leaning on the counter like he had all the time in the world. What a cocky little son of a bi—
Naomi’s fuming slowed to a simmer when she saw what he was leaning in front of. The kitten. He had apparently gone into her cabinets to get a bowl before going into her refrigerator to get some milk for the cat. Didn’t this kid have any respect for personal space? She figured, probably not, since his initial intent was to rob her and all.
Naomi joined him at the counter to watch the kitten lap up the milk in the small porcelain bowl. Well, at least he had got the right bowl. The guest dish and not the China on the other side of the kitchen. She couldn’t help but smile. She was a sucker for strays.
“It’s a boy, you know.” Jacob whispered, interrupting her thoughts.
She turned to look at him and nodded. “That’s great, another male in my life.”
“Does that mean you’re gonna keep him.”
Naomi shrugged, “Maybe.” She peered up at Jacob, her eyes full of suspicious curiosity. “Why, you wanna steal him?”
The boy shook his head, causing his springy curls to bounce from side to side. “Nah, I can’t keep a cat, I can hardly keep myself.”
“Hm.”
“So, whatcha gonna name him?”
“Did you find something you want to take yet.”
“No. I’ll figure it out.”
For some reason, this didn’t bother her, him being here even though she had no clue who he was. Maybe it was the kitten or the fact that he had saved her ass but, Naomi was kinda happy.
“Eugene.”
“Huh,” the boy asked, turning to look at her over his shoulder.
“The cat. I think I’ll call him, Eugene.”
