...But My Reflection:

Dante caressed Caspian's back with his pale hands, causing the boy to moan with anticipation. He found his hands feeling up Caspian's ass, and seeing his erection, got down to his knees and--

Erin sighed and leaned back in her computer chair, sliding closer to the waste basket and tossing a crumpled piece of paper into it. She missed the tin basket, but didn't even notice.

"This is turning out so...stereotypic...God, when did I become such a fangirl?" I said. Yeah, yeah, it's supposed to say "I". I am...or maybe was...that 18 year old girl...or young woman if you like, solemnly pounding away on the keys of my laptop, occasionally writing down bits of the story and testing it out before making it real on the word processor. I stopped every once in a while to re-read my pages in disgust. My fans were gonna hate me. Worst chapter yet. Not that they didn't already hate me. The death of a major character had made them sour and now...now all I could write were shitty blow jobs and sappy love scenes. Whatever happened to the angst-filled drama we all affectionatly called Reflection?

Reflection...my baby...my creation. My story. It had been named after my favorite song at the time, about a year ago, "Reflection" by Tool. It fit so perfectly with the plot. It was about a world, parallel to this, with humans, magic, severe Narcissism, and strange creatures that were like vampires, but weren't. I called them Darklings. Typical story line, they wanted to take over the world and the only ones who could stop them were my five main characters, all gay boys, who hated each other and ended up falling in love...and making love. The way the Darklings got rid of people was through mirrors...I know it sounds weird but...they would promise to make them perfect, get rid of anything wrong with them, make them thinner, make them pretty...and the people on this world, they were too weak-willed to say no. Mind you, there weren't many people left. Post-apocotolyptic world, you know? It always rained there.

But unfortunatly for my little world, I hadn't been able to write properly since the chapter that Vel died. Why had I killed him? He had been everyone's favorite character, beautiful, lovable in his own way, sarcastic, witty...he had been marked for death in the very beginning though, and I wasn't about to change that. And when he died, when Dante killed him, the flames just piled in. My email box was full of 'em. All, "Why did you kill Vel?! I know he wasn't important to you, I know he was just something scribbled on paper, but I loved him!" and "I hate you! You suck!". It was horrible. Little did they know I was sobbing when I had to write it. Thinking about it, that wasn't bad, but having Dante kill him, that hurt me. No one understands what it's like to throw your soul in a story unless you've done it yourself. I didn't get a single email or review that said, "I know that must have been hard on you, I'm sorry it came to that...may Vel rest in peace with his gods.". No, I get flamed and yelled at.

That's what I was thinking about, as I sat there in my little apartment, oblivius to the outside world. It was raining. Warm summer rain. If I had been in a better mood, I would have went for a walk in it. But not today. Today I wanted to wallow in my self-pity and give in to the fangirls. Bring Vel back a voice called to me, It just takes a few clicks and...No. I wasn't going to give in. Fuck you voice! Oh my God...I'm hearing voices...I'm going insane...

I rolled the chair back to my desk and began typing again. I had wasted enough paper trying to plan this out, I might as well try to write it for real.

Click. Click. Clack. Click, clack, click, clack. This isn't so hard. The clicking of the keys was like it's own kind of music. Soft and sweet. Clickity, clackity, clicky, clack. Click,click, click. Delete. Click, click, click. Click. Ding.

"Ding? Wait...my computer doesn't-" I muttered to myself, and then realized it was the doorbell. I really was going insane. Why was someone bothering me this late at- "Fuck," I had totally forgotten about Erik. He was taking me out tonight. And here I was, wearing a pair of lavender panties and a white jammie shirt, and that was it, with my burgundy-brown-hot pinkish hair pulled back. I looked horrible. And he'd be pissed if he knew I'd forgotten. Time for plan B.

I opened the door to my room and called out into the living room, hoping he could hear me from the apartment hallway, "Be right there! Just getting my make-up on!" I could hear him sigh, the walls were so thin, as I ran around the house looking for something to wear and where I had put my earrings and my shoes. What a mess. I really needed to clean. I managed to trip over a pile of books stacked by the sofa and screamed a curse.

"Erin, are you okay?" I could clearly hear Erik's voice.

"Yeah, I'll be out in a bit!" I don't think I even needed to scream for him to hear me. I tripped around a bit more, before stopping in front of the long mirror in front of my bedroom door. Not too bad, considering I'd spent like 10 minutes getting ready. My intense auburn (I believe that's what the bottle called it) hair was down, straightened and flipped out. I had this rustic looking jewelry on, stuff Erik had bought me ages ago, and this totally killer dress on. It was a dark purple dress that was a few shades from matching my hair, with a filmy black netting over it and some black lace here and there. There was a scarf made of the same black netting and some other material that went with it. It had been the dress I had worn to a wedding, being one of the maids of honor. It probably would have looked better on someone else, but hey, whatever works is cool.

"You done yet?" I could hear Erik calling. I sighed and turned away from the mirror. Silly thing. I never used it anyway.

"Yeah, yeah." I muttered, tossling my hair a bit and opening the front door. And there, in all his emo glory, stood Erik, my ultra-femme boyfriend. Erik had the most wonderful green eyes, the color cats eyes are, that always had dark eye make-up adorning them. His dark hair was messy, like he hadn't bothered to brush it much this morning, and it had been spiked up the day before. He was wearing an over-sized black t-shirt that said "Too Damn Tired To Care" in bright, flouresent yellow. His
black bondage pants, had hot pink stitching in them (they had belonged to me, but I gave them to him, after I got sick of getting the chains caught on doors...oh well, they looked better on him anyway.) and were complete with a little Hello Kitty keychain dangling from one of the chains, and, of course, his awesome Hot Topic boots with the skulls on them. I must say, he looked like he had just woken up...He had probably forgotten too. That's what made Erik and I perfect for eachother, we were both unorganized, forgetful people.

"Good evening my lady, your chariot awaits." He grinned, taking my hand and kissing it. I laughed and grabbed an umbrella, before I walked out into the hallway, making sure to shut and lock the door. Not that there was much point in it. The only people who lived in my apartment were old ladies and cats. Lots of cats. My room had been my Grandma's, until she passed away a year before. I had been sullen and refused to take it, until I realized it would have been rented to some stranger and I immediatly moved in. I didn't want some weirdo in my grandma's house, soaking up her memory and fucking it up.

"If you can call that rust bucket a chariot..." I smiled a little, as we descended down the stairs to the front of the building.

"Hey now, the E-mobile is awesome. You just can't appreciate it's greatness." He said, defensively.

"...Did you just say the E-mubile?" I laughed.

"I said the E-mobile..." He muttered.

"That's such a stupid name...You're such a poser." I said, joking...of course...kind of...

"I am not a poser..." He fake pouted, looking completly adorable and huggable. I giggled and kissed him on the cheek.

"Aw, you know I'm just kidding Dear." I said.

"Damn straight you are. Now, I think you owe the E-mobile an appology." He smiled a little, as he held the glass door of the building open for me. I walked out and raised my eyebrows at the rusting, dark gray car. One of the handles was being kept on with duck tape, and the wind shield had a long crack in it. It looked worst than normal, and the full moon that was beating down on it, did not help it's appearence.

"You want me to appologize to...that thing?" I looked at him, and he nodded seriously. "Screw that, I'll just walk to the restaraunt."

"Do you even know where we're going?" He opened the passenger door of the car for me, and I got in. Such a gentleman, that Erik.

"No clue...please tell me it's not McDonald's or something disgusting like that. I might puke if I have to watch people consuming that grease enduced food." I sighed. He got in the front seat and started up the engine. Of course, it didn't start at first, so he had to try it fives times before it kicked in and made that oh-so-safe gurgling noise it normally did. I cringed and sank into my seat, making sure that my seatbelt was safely secured.

"What's wrong with McDonald's?" The car was actually moving now, and I dug my nails into the torn up apholstry for dear life.

"Where do I start? Screaming children, greasy, horrible food, chicken McNuggets, clowns..." I muttered. He sighed and turned on the radio.

"You're such a cynic Erin..."

"Because I don't like McDonald's, that makes me a cynic?"

"You know what I mean...don't worry, I've got something else planned." He smiled at me, reassuringly. Let me guess, we're going to KFC, I almost said, but didn't. I might hurt his fragile, girly little feelings. "Hey, it's our song!"

"So it is..." I could hear the opening chords to Nemo by Nightwish being blared over the radio. I doubted very much it was actually on a radio station, but whatever. Erik was trying to be sweet and I appreciated it. I laughed as Erik tried to match the chick's high pitched vocals in the chorus. It was so horrible sounding, but I loved it.

"Oh how I wish for soothing rain, all I wish is to dream again, my loving heart, lost in the dark, for hope I'd give my everything." It was so funny when Erik sang the song, when he tried to exagerate the heart felt lyrics and how beautiful the vocals were. He was doing hand movements then, and making weird, pseudo-sad faces. Most people would have been pissed off. I couldn't breathe and my sides were writhing from laughing so hard.

"Shut up now, you dork. I'm gonna have a stroke." He smiled at me and stopped singing. I was still breathing heavily and giggling, but better.

"Can you believe we've been together for 3 years..." Erik said, suddenly very serious. I shook my head.

"It seems like forever...but not that drawn-out, long, boring forever...the good forever." He laughed and smiled at me.

"I know what you mean...I really love you Erin." He said.

"I love you too Erik." I felt kind of stupid, fluff had never been my strong point. But I knew Erik didn't think I was stupid, and that's really all that mattered. He grabbed on to my hand and I laced my fingers through his. Sure, it didn't feel safe driving around in the suicide machine with Erik using only one of his hands to drive, especially considering Erik was a horribly driver, but I didn't care. I looked outside, at the moon-lit night, and noticed we weren't in the city any more. There were way too many trees and not enough houses.

"Where in hell are we going?" I asked. He shrugged.

"Oh, just a little place I used to go to make out with hot chicks." He said. I laughed. Erik had never been with any other girls, other than me. Much less hot ones.

"Let me guess, it's one of those out-houses with the cresent moon stenciled on them?"

"How'd you know? Have I brought you there before?" He smiled, taking a sharp turn with the car that almost crashed it into a road sign.

"Seriously though, where are we going?" I really wanted to know.

"We're almost there, just wait." I sighed and leaned back in the seat. Two-Lane blacktop by Rob Zombie was playing and I started huming it. Erik looked at me and laughed but I just shrugged. The song reminded me of the first night I had started writing Reflection.

It had been raining like crazy out, so the electrictiy was dead. I had my little portable CD player and flashlight under the covers with me, as I tried to keep from screaming when the lightning struck. I thought the tree in front of my house was going to crash down on my room, or something worst. Two-Lane Blacktop was playing and I had gotten inspired on how to start the story. It had been horrible, but at least it had been a start. I let my friends read it and they all said it was wonderful. What liars. Doesn't matter though, I fixed it up before I posted it on the site.

When I started the story, I knew what was going to happen to all the characters and I didn't care. I wasn't attached to them. They weren't real, they weren't flesh and blood, just figments of my imagination. But as it progressed, as I wrote it every day, I felt horrible. How could I do that to them? And then Vel died...

"We're here." I heard Erik say cheerfully. I shook my head and looked around outside. We were on a beach. There was a lake, a beautiful clear lake, right in front of the car, and the moon was reflecting on it. Reflecting...

"Oh my God..." I muttered.

"I figured we could have a picnic out here, seeing how you hate resteraunts with a passion." He smiled and I almost screamed. This was so totally sweet of him. I undid the buckle and hugged him from across my seat. The bad thing, was, it had been raining so the sand was going to be muddy and gross to sit on and I wasn't exactly dressed for it. Bastard could have warned me. But I didn't care. I hadn't even noticed the water had stopped leaking from the sky.

"Did you bring, like, a towel to sit on or something?" I asked. He shrugged.

"Didn't think of that." He grinned. I hit myself in the head and sighed. Such a moron sometimes.

We both climbed out of the car and Erik fished in the back seat for a brown bag. Not exactly as charming as a basket would have been, but hey, it's the thought that counts. We found a spot by the water to sit, and I could feel the wet sand sticking to my dress already. I had felt needlessly dressed up, next to Erik, all night...but this was ridiculous.

"I'm sending you the cleaning bill." I growled as he fished into the bag and handed me some food. What a surprise, fast food. Chicken rings from White Castle, I thought as I bit into one, making sure to smear my lipstick all over it. I always liked the taste of lipstick...bitter and waxy.

"Eh, just take the stupid dress off!" He said. I glared at him, and shoved the rest of the ring into my mouth.

"I'm not wearing anything under it." I pointed out.

"You're wearing panties, aren't you?" He asked, munching on some of his fries.

"No, of course not." I was trying to sound as sarcastic as possible, so he didn't think I was serious and got any ideas in that horny teenage head of his.

"Damn, there goes my night."

"Perv,"

"I learned from the master." I chucked one of my own french fries at him, and it ended up getting stuck in his mangled hair. "Eww!" He sounded like a little school girl.

"Next time, it'll have ketchup on it." I threatend, snorting with giggles, as I tried not to laugh. He pouted again and I wanted to comfort him, make him feel better...that made me laugh even harder.

"I hate you Erin." He was trying to sound sulky and sad, but just sounded...cute...really, really cute...

"Now, now, flattery will get you no where young man. Keep Little Erik under control." He glared at me a little and shook his head.

"His name is not Little Erik." He said.

"Oh really, what is it then?" I smirked.

"Pablo."

"Pablo?"

"You didn't know that? And all the times you've seen him." He shook his head. "He's disappointed to hear that, I can assure you."

"When did we become such perverts, Erik?" I sighed. He shrugged.

"At some point in junior high school. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, because...I don't think normal people have conversations about what one has named their genitials..."

"They do...believe me." Erik always tried to make me feel better about these things. There was no doubt in my mind that we weren't normal people, but sometimes, it's nice to pretend.

"Yeah...sure..." I stretched out a little, and wished that the sand was warm, not muddy and cold. It would have been nice to lay down on it. I had been working on Reflection whenever I got a chance now...I had forgotten how nice the beach was, with warm sand and everything. I had forgotten how nice it was to be with Erik. I'd been neglecting him for these past few months, ever since Vel got killed. God, why had I been so stupid? Why had I let Dante kill him? His death was the cause of all these problems with me...why couldn't I just go back and erase it? I should go home right now and fix-

No! No god damn way was I going to sit there, with the love of my life, and think about that stupid story. It didn't need my time. It didn't deserve my time. But God...everything would be right again if I fixed it. I knew that. Deep down in my heart, in the billowing black hole of my existence, I knew. Just a few words to fix it all. Make it all go away. It was like Vel's ghost was haunting me, and I was desperate to exercise it, to get rid of it.

"Are you okay Eri?" Erik asked me. I must have been staring out into nothing longer than I had thought.

"Yeah...I'm fine...thanks for asking..." I smiled a little and continued eating my food. I wasn't hungry. I felt sick. Like I was going to vomit up big, chickeny chunks. All over Erik too.

"You know, if there's something wrong...you really should talk with me about it. You know I'll listen." Erik looked so concerned. It made me feel bad to know that I was the cause of that.

"I...erm...I don't feel all that great..."

"Physically or mentally?" He knew that if he didn't ask, I wouldn't have specified.

"...Physically..." I said. I felt like I was lying, even though I didn't feel all that great physically. Vomitting sounded good. Then, maybe I could feel better.

"Do you wanna go home?" He asked.

"Um...yeah...I'm sorry..." I felt horrible. He looked disappointed but nodded and ushered me to the car. He cleaned up the little mess we had made, and I didn't even bother wiping the sand off my ass and legs. The seat was filthy anyway.

The car ride back to my apartment was completly silent. I asked him to turn the radio down once, and he just flipped it off. It started raining again, and by the time we got to my home it was pouring. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was crashing. It reminded me, again, of the first time I wrote Reflection.

I gave Erik a quick kiss, and then hurried into the building, totally forgetting about my umbrella but not caring. He'd give it back to me tomorrow...he'd be there first thing in the morning to check on me, make sure I wasn't dying.

I hated how quiet my apartment was. I needed a cat. I needed a life. I was soaked and cold, and sandy and tired by time I got in. I stripped until I was naked, and went straihgt to my computer. I checked my inbox and the review forum. None. Not a big surprise, no one seemed to review anymore, unless it was to flame me. But still...there was that little hope that maybe, just maybe, I might find that message that said "You're doing a great job Erin! Keep it up!" I hadn't gotten one of those, since...

I sighed and curled up on my bed. I was asleep within five minutes, having a horrible dream about Vel, and the fangirls, and Erik, and Dante and Lamia and Caspian...

Author's Notes:

Went back through BMR and edited as many grammer/spelling errors as I could catch and re-wrote some parts...I think it flows better...and you know, I really like the first chapter...I'm proud of it!