I wish you would stop talking so much and let me catch up on that in-between time that we lost, when that opportunity cost of choosing him over me, I couldn't let that be so I, I let him believe what he believed and knew his moves and set him free and once untied, I lied and went back to him, right in front of him, let his fingers touch me again and sighed. This is the way it was the whole time he said, and I just smiled.

And now he's gone as good as dead in our mind's eye for all of the five minutes we talk to him online, and now without him there's nothing to deny no feeling that could get in the way all the things I'd like to say, like today, when you spoke up with words just waiting for break, I hoped that then I wouldn't say what I wanted to say and maybe you would be the first. I didn't want to be the vulnerable one, the first to admit my defense come undone and the last to pretend that our end had come. and I tried to be offhand but there was no way you'd let me get away with it while I still stand so I told you the song that I heard and broke my barriers with every word and it left me feeling like I used to feel with you.

"Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me" but how could that be when every chance at saving face was erased by my own empathy, my sympathy and finally, my apathy. I didn't, didn't want to care or share any feelings or spend any more time reading your stupid journal entries or listening to you whine but I did, and now...

Now I don't know what to believe: logic, or what's in front of me. I'm supposed to be the strong one who felt it well and never looked back but now my head is firmly set to the path I already walked, I want to go there. Everything made sense before you took it all away. I let it happen.