I fall down to my knees,
Close my eyes,
Shove a pillow onto my face.
I can't breathe.
I'm gasping for air through the fibers.
The rugburns are eating my knees.
I'm screaming but you can't hear me.
I'm screaming and I can't breathe.

My lungs are hurting,
My knees are burning,
My soul is screaming,
The adrenaline is rushing.

I can't see anything.
I know I'm dead.
I can't breathe.
I've gone too far this time.

Something in the back of my mind,
Says it's my eyes,
And I open them slowly.
I don't know what I expect
To find standing before me.
Somehow my mind tells me
It'll be God
Here to judge me.
Here to condemn me.
To shake His head sadly
'Cause I let this addiction control me.

And when it's over,
I just want to throw up.
And when it's over,
The tears start falling to the ground.
And when it's over,
I'm broken.
I'm lost.
I'm confused.

But basicaly my heart
Is torn up, battered, and bruised.

I wonder why it is
That others can be so strong.
And what am I?
I'm too weak to carry on.

The temperature's rising up in this room.
I feel like I'm living inside of a tomb.
I can still feel it
Deep inside of me
Constantly telling me
I could be so much more than this.

I don't listen to that voice,
I don't listen to anything
I know I have a choice
and I'mCHOOSING this!?

Why do I let it control me,
Why can't my spirit be stronger?
Why can't I invest in Your promises?
I can't TAKE THIS any longer!

I sneak it at night
When no one else is around
I do it in broad daylight
Thinking they won't see.

I hear a noise,
I stop,
I pretend I'm doing something else.
What if someday I get caught?
What if someday they know it's me?

What if they figure out
That when I lock the bathroom door,
I'm not really showering,
But I'm sitting on the floor
Doing what I really know
I'm not supposed to do.
God can't you help me!?
I need you. I need you!

I've believed everything You've said.
Every word of Yours I've memorized and read.
So why do I still struggle?
Why am I still in these chains?
Why am I still standing behind thse bars?

This addiction is controlling me
I tell myself that I can beat it.
If I tore off my doors, would that change anything!?
If I forced myself into a bubble,
Tied my sleeves around each other,
Would that change it?
Would that fix it?

Something's gotta stop, God.
Something's goota change, God.
I can't keep doing this, God.
I can't pretend that it's not real.
I can't pretend it doesn't exist.
I CAN'T PRETEND THAT I'M NOT STANDING
IN THE MIDST OF THIS!

Why is it that I can tell others to break their habits.
I can tell them to stop chasing after love like white rabbits,
But I can't stop myself
From doing the one thing I hate the most!?

Why does one half cry no,
While the other half cries yes?
Why does no one talk about this?
Why do I have to pretend it desn't exist?
Why is it so shameful?
Yet for others, almost respectable.
Why do I cower in my room?
Why can't I just give it up to You?

I hope I'm alone.
Please God, I hope I'm alone.
I'll go to hell, I'll burn away,
Just don't let anyone go this way.
Don't let anyone else
Do what I'm doing.
Don't let them do this to themselves.

Not like this.
Not like this.

This the #1 skeleton lurking in my closet. He smiles and laughs and taunts at me, but he knows he can't get out in the open. Arrg. Just a disclaimer, though, I'm not on drugs or anything like that, but I bet this poem to go along with any addiction.

There are many types of addictions, and some are less talked about then others. Drugs and alcohol and cutting and crap like that is what you usually hear about. Sometimes they almost seem glorified when the rest of us are struggling just as hard with problems that are just as bad.

But nobodytalks aboutit.

And that's sad.