Where Do Babies Come From, Daddy?

At Rise

Setting:: Kitchen, where Daddy is kneeling in front of the sink holding a tool. The sink is facing the audience.

Props:: A tool of some kind, preferably something that could fix a sink

Characters::

Sophie: Six-year-old girl

Daddy: 31-year-old man, Sophie’s father, not a plumber

DMind: the mind of Daddy, says everything that Sophie’s little ears shouldn’t hear

Sophie: (Enter) Where do babies come from, Daddy?

Daddy: (slams head against underside of sink) FU...! I mean, oww. What did you ask, Sophie??(stands up and rubs greasy hand through hair)

DMind: (aside) Oh shit, I knew this day was coming!

Sophie: Where do babies come from?

(beat)

Daddy: (awkwardly) Um ... well ... you see, Sophie. Well, when a man really loves a woman, yeah, and um ... she really loves him back ... (Daddy sticks head under sink)

DMind: (aside) Damn, what am I supposed to say, now? They make out, then have sex on the couch?!

(beat)

Sophie: You mean like I love you, Daddy?

DMind: (aside) AHHHHHH, NOOO!

Daddy: (Daddy takes head out from under the sink) Not quite like that ... (Daddy sticks head under sink)

Sophie: (demandingly) Where do babies come from then?

DMind: (aside) Change tactics! Shit ... shit ... what was that stupid fairy tale with the storks?!

Daddy: Ok, well its like this ... there are these storks ...

Sophie: What are storks, Daddy?

DMind: (aside) WHY did I have a kid!?

Daddy: (Daddy takes head out from under the sink) Well, Sophie sweetheart, storks are big white birds.

Sophie: Like seagulls?

DMind: (aside) What do storks look like anyway? MAKE SOMETHING UP FAST!

(beat)

Daddy: Sort of, Sophie, they have longer legs, and really big wings, with blue tips.

Sophie: I’ve never seen a stork before, Daddy.(Daddy sticks head under sink)

DMind: (aside) Of course you haven’t, neither have I. For all I know they have red wings and a purple belly!

Daddy: (Daddy takes head out from under the sink) That’s because they live in the sky, Soph.

Sophie: Ahhhhhhhhh. (Sophie starts to walk away, and Daddy sticks head under sink)

DMind: (aside) That was too easy. (Sophie pauses and turns around, realizing she still didn’t get the answer to her question)

Sophie: Daddy?

DMind: (aside) I should’ve known it wouldn’t last.

Daddy: (Daddy takes head out from under the sink) Yes, Sophie?

Sophie: Where do babies come from, Daddy?

DMind: (aside) Here we go again, spew bullshit, spew.

Daddy: Well, the storks bring the babies.

Sophie: You mean the big, white, long-legged, big winged, with blue-tips seagull?

DMind: (aside) Damn, I wish my memory was that good.

Daddy: Yes, sweetie. (Daddy sticks head under sink)

DMind: (aside) Please make that be the end!

Sophie: Where do the storks get the babies?

DMind: (aside) Uhhhhhh.

Daddy: (Daddy takes head out from under the sink) From the sky, of course.

Sophie: Doesn’t God live in the sky?

DMind: (aside) Riiight, I forgot we told her that.

Daddy: Yes, yes, he does. (Daddy sticks head under sink, beat)

Sophie: Why doesn’t God fall through the clouds? The magic carpet went through the clouds when it was carrying Aladdin and Jasmine. (Starts singing "A Whole New World")

DMind: (aside) Why is she singing?

Daddy: (Daddy keeps head under sink) That’s right, Soph.

Sophie: But why?

(beat)

DMind: (aside) Huh?

Daddy: (Daddy takes head out from under the sink)(Scratches head) Why what, Sophie?

Sophie: Why doesn’t God fall through the clouds?

(beat)

Daddy: Well, because he’s God.

Sophie: But why!?

DMind: (aside) Damn is she persistent.

Daddy: Because I said so. (Daddy sticks head under sink)

Sophie: That’s not a reason, Daddy!

Daddy: (Daddy keeps head under sink) Yes, it is.

DMind: (aside) Oh my god!

Sophie: Daddy!

Daddy: Ok, fine, it’s because he has special powers that let him float in the air above the clouds. (Daddy takes head out from under the sink)

Sophie: Wow!

DMind: (aside) Wow is right, that was probably sacrilegious, but as long as her mother doesn’t find out, it’s all good.

Daddy: Yup. (Daddy sticks head under sink, beat)

Sophie: Daddy?

DMind: (aside) Isn’t it her nap time yet!?

Daddy: (Daddy keeps head under sink) Yes, Soph.

Sophie: What do the storks have to do with the babies?

DMind: (aside) ARGH!

Daddy: (Daddy takes head out from under the sink) (getting frustrated) Sophie, I just explained this to you.

Sophie: No, you didn’t.

Dmind: (aside) Yes, I did!

Daddy: Yes, Soph, I explained just a minute ago…

Sophie: The storks bring the babies from the sky.

Dmind: (aside) That’s right, kid, figure it out yourself.

Daddy: You got it, Soph. (Turns back to sink, rolling eyes)

(beat)

Sophie: But why?

Dmind: (aside) Stop whining, dammit!

Daddy: (Daddy takes head out from under the sink) (sighing) What do you mean, Sophie?

Sophie: Why do the storks bring the babies?

Dmind: (aside) How the hell would I know?

Daddy: (stammering) Well, gosh, Soph…I…Uh…(pretends to be busy with the sink)

Dmind: (aside) Come on, think of something!

Daddy: Well, Soph, God tells them to.

Sophie: Ooooh. (Daddy goes back to working at sink)

Daddy: (while working on the sink) Yup, Soph, God tells the storks to carry the babies down to families that will love them and take care of them.

Sophie: Like you and Mommy!

Dmind: (aside) Not for long if you don’t shut the hell up.

Daddy: That’s right, Soph, just like Mommy and me. (Stands up and pats Sophie on the shoulder). Now why don’t you go along and watch TV or something.

Sophie: (Hugging Daddy) I love you, Daddy.

Daddy: (Hugging Sophie back) I love you too, Sophie.

Dmind: (aside) Just go!

Sophie: (Sophie turns to leave as Daddy returns to the sink and picks up tool. Sophie stops at exit and turns back) So babies come from the sky?

Dmind: (aside) Damn! Shut up!

Daddy: (frustrated) Sophie…

Sophie: (excited) Did I come from the sky, Daddy?

Dmind: (aside) God, make it stop!

Daddy: I guess…Yes, yes you did.

(beat)

Sophie: Why don’t I remember flying with the storks, Daddy?

Dmind: (aside) Because it never happened!

Daddy: (Daddy takes head out from under the sink) Because you were very little, Soph. You were sleeping, all wrapped up in a little pink blanket when the stork dropped you on our doorstep.

Dmind: (aside) I hope she doesn’t tell mommy about this one.

Sophie: It dropped me!

Dmind: (aside) God, I wish!

Daddy: No, sweetie. I just meant that the stork set you down gently. (Daddy sticks head under sink, beat)

Sophie: (very serious) That’s not what Mommy told me.

Dmind: (aside) Dammit! Why doesn’t she keep me posted on what we tell this kid?!

Daddy: Well…um…

Sophie: Mommy said that I came from her tummy.

Dmind: (aside) What! NOOO!

Daddy: (Fidgeting with tool) Well..

Sophie: She said I was there for a long time.

Dmind: (aside) Bet she didn’t tell you how you got there.

Daddy: (rubbing forehead) Yeah, well, Soph…

Sophie: Daddy, did Mommy lie to me? Mommy said lying is bad.

Dmind: (aside) Oh crap… (Daddy takes head out from under the sink)

Daddy: No! No, of course not, Sophie. Mommy wouldn’t lie to you…

Dmind: (aside) But Daddy might…

Sophie: (wrinkling forehead) But if the storks brought me then how did I get in Mommy’s tummy?

Daddy: (nervous) Uh…well, Sophie… (Daddy sticks head under sink)

Dmind: (aside) Damn, where the hell do I go with this now?

Sophie: How did I get in Mommy’s tummy if I came from the sky?

Daddy: Well, Soph, I guess…

Sophie: (puts hands on hips, demanding) Daddy! Are you LYING?

Daddy: (Daddy bangs head on sink, while trying to stand up quickly, rubs back of head and faces Sophie.) (desperate) NO! No, Soph….Daddies don’t lie!

Sophie: (glaring at Daddy) Lying’s bad, Daddy! Lying’s bad!

Daddy: (frantic) I know! I know, Soph, I…

Sophie: Then how did I get in Mommy’s tummy? Did the storks put me there? Did the storks put me in Mommy’s tummy? I thought you said they dropped me on the door –

Daddy: (losing his temper, slamming down tool) SOPHIE!

Sophie: (Stomping and yelling) BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM!

Daddy: (Yelling) Go ask your mother!