Setting: Ma’anria tower of S’vail; the characters Nennyae, Hanadi, Elestern, Lydiana, and Cenra standing in a pentagonal pattern, preparing to do something ritual-ful

All: (chant softly) May the light and darkness, that which hath formed all elements and chaos, banish the placed souls of these twined swords and break their physical beings into unusable parts so that we can be done with the damn things already and get on with our lives…

Hanadi: Bless us, oh lord for these thy gifts, which we are about to receive—

(everyone gives him an odd look)

Hanadi: What?

Elestern: What are you babbling about now?

Nennyae: (hotly) Can we get on with this?? I really, really don’t want to miss the Iron Chef special, and this is severely cutting into my TV time.

(all agree (to shut her up) and begin the ritual again)

All: (chant softly) May the light and darkness, blah-dee, blah-dee, banish something blah-dee, la-la-la, everyone is sick of this stupid thing, something about unusable parts uh… other spell-like things and banish that damn pizza guy for being half an hour late last night…

(somewhere in Cleveland, a pizza delivery man is dragged into the fiery pits of hell (version 2.3) in a cataclysmic display of phenomenal cosmic power; people stare)

Random Person: Well…………. you don’t see that everyday….

(meanwhile…)

Senokrad Swords: AIEEEEEEK!!!

(swords begin to smolder, but otherwise stay whole)

Lydiana: Huh?? I though that would break them! What’d we do wrong?

Nennyae: Hm… wait. I heard something about hitting the swords together or some such nonsense. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s how you break an elemental sword. Although there are consequences…

Cenra: I think we should—

Hanadi: I know! Quick, everyone slash their wrists and bleed on the swords! Maybe a sacrifice of one of us needs to be made in order to appease the angry Wizards of Oz and cornflakes. I mean, really, the main characters always have great significance in stories and all.

Nennyae: …What?

Hanadi: Anyone else have a better suggestion? (loses interest) oh… what a shiny doorknob…

(others shrug and make motions to follow his plan)

Elestern: No, no, no, no!! How does that even make sense?

Nennyae: Is anyone listening to me?

Cenra: I know! Let’s—

Nennyae: Okay, okay whatever. Somebody do something quick before—

Hanadi: (with wonder) Incandescent light bulbs, one of the many miracles of science… why aren’t there any light bulbs in this tower? Yet look! Beacons on the topmost turrets. What are they? What are we, really?

(all give him another odd look)

Nennyae: Like I was saying… WHAT??

Cenra: (raising hand like an anxious five year old) Ooo, Ooo, lets kill Maeva!! She must have something to do with this, considering how little she’s been mentioned in the past couple of chapters. And even if she doesn’t, at least we won’t have to worry about her anymore, right?

Elestern: Are you even supposed to be in this scene?

Cenra: (timidly) Well… no, not technically. I’m filling in for Ether, because no one can seem to find him. (pauses to contemplate for a moment) You know what, I think I actually died a chapter ago, but with this author, you can never be quite sure…

Lydiana: Well we have to do something.

All: Right then.

(The next day everyone jumps Evil QueenMaeva in the parking lot of Wendy’s, beats the bejezzus out of her and cuts her head off, and no, Nennyae didn’t get to see the Iron Chef special)

Elestern: Okay, now what?

(all stand around looking confused, some still angry that they missed their Iron Chef special, until the ex-necromancer Mirizelle pops in from nowhere.)

Mirizelle: Hey, people. What’d I miss?

Cenra: Well nothing really. I sharpened my pointy objects collection, everybody performed a lousy sword-breaking ceremony—which didn’t work I might add—and no one would listen to my suggestion about what to do, so we killed Maeva, and—

Mirizelle: You did WHAT??

Nennyae: pout, pout…grumble, Iron Chef special, grumble…

Elestern: Is that a problem?

Mirizelle: Didn’t you dumbasses read the script?? I was supposed to kill Maeva in a blaze of self-sacrificial glory. Ugh, you people can’t do anything right! Now the whole story is ruined! Ruined!! (disgusted) Looks like we’ll have to make the best of what we have.

Lydiana: (horrified) Yeah! If the story falls apart, we’ll all cease to exist!

Nennyae: pout, pout…I missed Iron Chef… (snivels &falls to the floor)

Mirizelle: (glares at Nennyae) Oh would you quit whining. I recorded it last night.

(Nennyae leaps up and hugs him)

Nennyae: YAY!!!!

Mirizelle: (shakes her off crossly) If you don’t stop this nonsense and help me figure out a way to fix the storyline, I’m going to record over Iron Chef with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Nennyae: NOOO!! (wrinkling up her nose) My dad used to be into that show.

Mirizelle: (wicked gleam) I know.

Hanadi: Hello mister fishie; have you met Mr. Moe the Evil Pineapple? He wants to suck your… blood? No…. Fruit Cocktail! (applauds, pleased with himself)

(all stare blankly at Hanadi)

Elestern: You see. That right there is a prime example of what happens when higher beings like Illusori and horny mortals spend too much time together. You get halfwit half-breeds.

Nennyae: (angry) HEY!! Watch it drag boy. He may be my son, but he’s your boyfriend.

Mirizelle: ANYWAYS !

Lydiana: (unsure) Well Mirizelle, you can still break the swords. I mean, yeah, you won’t be killing Maeva—

Mirizelle: Because some idiots I know—

Cenra: Hey! I know what we should do!

(Cenra is largely ignored)

Lydiana: (to Mirizelle) Look mister missing-in-action, how were we supposed to know that you were going to kill her?

Mirizelle: (mockingly) By reading the script beforehand like a person with half a brain.

Lydiana: (hotly) You know what?? Maybe you should be on time for once in you life!

Mirizelle: I was recording Iron Chef so little-miss-whiney-ass over there would shut the hell up!

Lydiana: What the hell!? How did you even know she was going on about that?? You weren’t here!!

Mirizelle: (calmly and condescendingly) Because I read the script.

(Lydiana screeches with exasperation and turns to leave)

Lydiana: (tossing her hands into the air) Fine! Just, whatever. Figure this out by yourselves. I’m going home to tell Dad how stupid you all are.

Nennyae: You leave Daedren out of this! We’ve had enough trouble with him already.

Elestern: Well actually, we haven’t had any trouble with that character yet…

Nennyae: (to Elestern) You shut up! I’ve heard enough out of you, young man.

Cenra: (still being ignored) You know what we should do?

(Ether, the afore mentioned Illusori,floats into the scene aimlessly, studying the wall hangings without any real interest; he’s been in the walls the entire time observing)

Nennyae: (noticing Ether) ETHER!!

Ether: ((Yo.))

Nennyae: Where have you been?? We had to substitute in blond and brainless over here!

Cenra: (as if being cued) You know what we should do to get rid of the swords?

(all stare at him for a moment)

Mirizelle: Oh shut up. Your ideas suck.

Cenra: (a little indignant) Well have any of you come up with a master plan? I don’t want to cease to exist, I don’t know about you guys.

Ether: (lounging backwards in midair) ((Oh whatever. The authors are going to kill us off anyway.))

Mirizelle: No, the authors are going to kill us if we don’t fix their story you guys have screwed up! I mean, otherwise at least some of us have a chance…

Lydiana: (spins around in the doorway) Excuse me? You guys? I think you meant we. Had you been here like you were supposed to be— (turns to Ether quickly) And YOU! None of this would have ever happened had you shown up at the beginning of this scene! But, nooo…you had to be a lazy ass and sleep this entire time…

(Ether sits up straight and snaps in her face. At least we think he snaps, seeing as he can’t really talk)

Ether: ((Okay. First of all, I was not sleeping. Second, you are one to talk, seeing as how you have gotten absolutely nothing done whatsoever in this scene, or the whole book, for that matter…))

Elestern: None of us have, okay? This is the most unproductive scene that I’ve ever—

Hanadi: (giggling and pointing) Hey, the blond dude’s stealing the swords!

All: AGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(Ether materializes to cut Cenra off at the door)

Cenra: Hey!!

Ether: ((And what do we think we are doing?))

Cenra: (hotly) Saving our asses!

Mirizelle: (jogging up to him; angrily) What exactly were you going to do with the swords, you moron?

Cenra: Simple. Get rid of them the only way you get rid of anything!

Hanadi: Throw it in the toilet and flush twice?

Mirizelle: (sarcastically) Yeah. That’s probably what he had in mind.

Cenra: (angry) No, stupid! Haven’t you ever read The Lord of the Rings?

Hanadi: The one where a preteen boy becomes a wizard by attending an overly lavish and ancient school somewhere in Britain and fighting off an evil demon-guy with a dorky name and an axe to grind because he couldn’t kill the overly lucky and idiotic preteen wizard boy the first time? Yeah, I read that one. And then I drew a picture of the wizard boy because I think he’s probably hot and has a nice butt and his best friend probably isn’t bad either. The girl he played off that he didn’t like, but really did was probably a hag, you know, with buck teeth, a grossly malformed body, genital warts and…

Mirizelle: It’s time you shut up now. (to Cenra) Now, enlighten us of your ‘master plan.’

Cenra: Ah yes. Quite simple. Find the local Mt. Doom and chuck the swords into the conveniently placed Mt. Doom volcano, although I’m sure some elaborate and over-dramatic journey is in store, seeing how it’s only prudent to walk there on foot. (beaming) Now, which one of you wants to be my somewhat-hetro life-servant and trusty companion on the trip?

(all are in silent shock (Hanadi, because he found a butterfly to chase); Mirizelle’s eye is twitching)

Mirizelle: Hm. Yeah. Could you do something for me?

Cenra: Sure. I see that you need my unfathomable expertise once again.

Mirizelle: Yeah. Could you just hit those two swords against each other real quick?

Cenra: Uh… okay?

(Cenra taps together Senokrad at precisely the right angle, shattering the swords into several tiny pieces and creating a shockwave that liquefies him. Ether shields everyone else from the lethal wave)

Mirizelle: (turning away satisfied) Well that solves two problems. Now about the—

(A huge explosion as Ruin comes charging out of a conveniently placed gate portal and through a wall)

Ruin: AIEEEE!!!! You… YOU BASTARDS!!

Mirizelle: (shock) RUIN?? But you died like, two or three books ago!!!

Ruin: (glaring) That is sooo beyond the point! How could you? How COULD you???

Nennyae: (waves) Hi daddy.

Ruin: (sidetracked) Oh, hi Nennyae.

Nennyae: How’s mom?

Ruin: (pleasantly) Oh, you know, dead. Quite dead. She said to tell you hi, and ask how you were doing. And Mr. Beckerman, your second grade homeroom teacher also says hello.

Nennyae: Really, him? When did he die?

Ruin: A couple of years back. He was hit by a sixteen-wheeler after being thrown out of the car on the highway by his wife. I never liked that woman, you see, I thought there was something—

Mirizelle: Ahem.

Ruin: Ah yes, sorry. YOU BASTARDS BROKE MY SWORDS!!!!!!!

Mirizelle: (pokes fingers together) Umm… well, it was kind of in the…

Ruin: I DON’T CARE! I can’t believe you would betray me like this! You knew… (begins to sob, coking out the next words) you knew… how much, I… I liked those swords… I thought… I thought you loved me…. (snivle)

(Ruin falls to the ground weeping; Mirizelle bends down to comfort him)

Mirizelle: Oh Ruin. Please don’t cry. What will the other destroyers think of you, going on like this?

Ruin: (still choking on his sobs) It’s just not fair. Not fair at all! What did I ever do to you people?

(Ruin breaks down completely again over the pieces of the broken swords)

Mirizelle: It wasn’t our choice. It was just something that had to be done, by whim of the author.

Ether: ((You know, if you want to look at it that way, you are both supposed to be dead right now.))

(Ruin lets out a shriek and heaves an energy blast at Ether, who nimbly escapes it by melting into the floor)

Ruin: What did I ever do to the author then?

Nennyae: (offers from the other side of the room) You got in her line of vision?

Mirizelle: The dark author, in some way or another, has tormented all of us.

Elestern: Yeah buddy. Stand in line.

(Ruin leaps to his feet in a flurry of rage)

Ruin: Well… well, FINE! I hate all of you! You can all GO TO HELL for all I care!!

Mirizelle: (annoyed) You know what, you got the easy way out. I clutched your cold, dead body for a week, mourned your death for the rest of my days!

Ruin: (walking away) Broke my swords… took away my kid… mocked my torments. (turns and shouts) WHY DON’T YOU ALL JUST RIP OUT MY HEART AND STEP ON IT???

Ether: (sticking his head up from the floor) ((I think you did that already, three books ago.))

(Ruin makes a sobbing, shrieking noise like a five year old and flees the scene. His tantrum can be heard slowly going farther and farther down the tower. He slips and falls once running down the stairs and a huge crash is heard as he hits the bottom. Ruin continues running and sobbing until he can’t be heard. All stare at the door through which he left in stunned silence.)

Hanadi: Butterflies!!

Mirizelle: Well that was odd.

Elestern: So… who wants pizza?

Ether: (coming up with a handful of counterfeit gold) ((I will buy!!))

The End