Mirror, MirrorPart I

For years, I have lived a normal life with my mother and younger sister in the middle of a small town right in the heart of the planet called Arcadia. This town is one of the few on this planet that is inhabited by human beings alone. Few people talk about how the humans came to live on this planet of elves and demons and other powerful—nearly immortal—creatures and even less know or remember what drove us to come here in the first place. All we know is that if happens centuries ago and it was a painful experience.

That is not very important now, though. Since no one talks about it and only the immortals remember the coming of the humans, it should not bother me in the least. Besides, sometimes I feel as if I am not even human. It may sound farfetched and completely impossible—I look like a human, my DNA checks out and I do not have any powers. Yet still…I feel different a little more each day as if there is some power growing inside of me, waiting…biding its time until it is strong enough to either control me or burst from me in a form of its own.

I told my mother this once and she told me I had a very vivid imagination and that I should put it towards school rather than outlandish stories. It is all right if she does not believe me because if someone had told me all of that, I would just laugh at them and walk away. I would have liked if she had listened to everything that I had to say, though. I have learned over the years that you cannot force people to listen to your ideals or your viewpoints. They hear what they want to hear and they block everything else out. We are fragile creatures, us humans, and that is why our minds protect us from knowledge that can break us or even change us completely. We do not like change, which is why we fight so hard against it, even if it kills us in the end. A petty existence, fighting something that can help.

We strive so hard to make other people see our views the same way, even if it is only one person then we can be happy, then we can stop trying so hard, but we are stubborn and that rarely ever happens. This way, we have a reason to try so hard, to keep living for another day instead of giving up and falling to our knees. People—especially adults—like to contradict children because we are forced to listen to them, we are forced to do what they tell us to do or they punish us. It is because we are the only ones who have to listen to them. It gives them power until we fight back against them, then the balance of power shifts in favor of neither side, because in the end, no one can win. It was not meant to play out that way.

Just as is the history of the human beings coming to this world, that is not important because it is how I see things and no one will listen to me because people do not wish to listen. They want to be listened to, they want others to hear them but they do not want to hear the words of others because that can destroy their views on things because in the end no one person is stronger than the other. We are only as strong as we allow ourselves to be but that is only in our minds. We cannot grow unless we learn to listen, which is why we will be the first to die. Petty humans, I am sure that the creatures of Heaven and the creatures of Arcadia are laughing at us right now. We are the butt of their jokes because they have learned to listen to others.

I am laughing at us as well. The stupid fights that break out over town as I walk through the streets, over stupid little things like someone running into someone else on their rush to work. I just pray that we will live long enough to regret our past mistakes. There is a reason we came here. We were not born here. Something terrible must have happens to drive us away from wherever we came from. If only someone could remind us of what that was. Or is it just another way for us to be controlled, to give someone power over all the human beings by keeping our history a big secret.

People tell me I think too much. I am inclined to agree with them on this much, but in turn, I believe that others think too little, allowing others to do the thinking for them even if they are unaware of this. Our race is full of hypocrites. We do not like to listen to the thoughts and ideas of others but we allow one man with power—power that we have given him—to control us because he says that he wishes only for what is best. I never liked to believe in kings or mayors but many feel at ease because there is something to make decisions for us. We do not even have to think; we can become mindless zombies going about our routine lives while the king orders us around and celebrates in his big palace.

I cannot wait until I am old enough to leave this village and find somewhere to live on my own. Then there will be no one trying to control me or force me to listen to them. Until that time comes, though…I am forced to obey the whims of others.

“Alex, time to get ready for school.” Like the whims of my mother. I am in the top portion of my class, four weeks ahead of the other students. I am almost done with all the work for my grade but I still have to attend school because my mother says that I need to complete my education. She just wants the house to herself for nine hours each day while my sister and I are away in the next town getting an ‘education’. She is being selfish, then again, I am sure she can turn my words against me, which is one of the many reasons that I have chosen to keep my mouth shut around her and other adults. I have found that adults are masters at twisting your words and using them against you, just because they cannot bare to be wrong even when you have tangible proof right in front of you.

I was already aware, long before her familiar voice drifted through the thin wood of the door that I always keep shut to attempt to block out the rest of the world. I always find it hard to sleep, especially when my mind begins to wonder and it always wonders when I am lying in bed, trying to sleep. That is one of the problems with thinking too much, but at least I think at all, unlike some of the humans that I have met. They allow others to do the thinking for them. I suppose that they take some form of disturbing comfort in that. They enjoy being controlled and they enjoy giving others power over them. It is a wonder that demons have not destroyed all the humans of Arcadia yet. It probably would be a waste of their time. Fine by me, I am in no hurry to die.

I slip my school jacket on over my shoulders and walk over to the door, falling into one of my usual slow, calm strides. As soon as I open my door, my younger sister greets me, throwing her chubby arms around my waist and almost knocking me off my feet. I stumble back before catching myself, my hands flying to the sides of the doorway to make sure that I do not fall back and bruise myself. “Good morning, Luvena.” I sigh, ruffling her short auburn locks.

“Big Brother, Mommy said that I could stay home from school today because the circus is in town and she is gonna take me to see the clowns!” I force a smile but it is not too hard to do, Luvena’s enthusiasm is contagious when she is likes this. “Ask if you can come along and see the clowns with us.”

I offer her a weak smile. School miles away or hang around at a circus with my mother and little sister. Wow, both sound so good. I pry her arms from around my waist, turn her around and push her out the door. “Sorry, kiddo, I’ve got this big exam today that I need to take or I cannot pass. Maybe I’ll take you to the circus when it is in town again.” She pouts for a second and I go to say something to comfort her but she merely nods and trots off towards her room.

“I will hold you to that promise, Big Brother. Good luck with your exam.” She disappears into her room before I can even turn to watch her go. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain in my chest that brings me crashing to my knees. I grab the front of my shirt, my breath coming out in ragged gasps now.

“Un…” I groan, shutting my right eye in pain, “What is happening…to me?” I lean forward, gasping for breath. Black spots appear before my eyes and then the hallway begins to turn red, almost as if someone had dumped paint over my head and it was not filling my eyes.

“Alex! Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it gets cold! If you do not leave in the next twenty minutes, the train will leave without you. What are you doing up there?” As suddenly as it had come, the pain disappears, leaving me with only a fain memory of it, like a dream forgotten upon waking up from a long slumber. However, that red color still stains my eyes and I touch my hand to my forehead, when I pull my fingers away to find them coated in blood. My blood.

“What…?” My breathing finally returns to normal and I rise to my feet, my legs shaking from shock. My head feels dizzy, a combination of the blood loss and the air rushing to my lungs so quickly. I stagger to my bathroom and gaze at my reflection in the mirror.

I had always been told—by girls and boys alike—that I had very…cute features. From my pale blue eyes to my white blonde hair with violet highlights and my slightly pointed ears. My ears are normal, oddly enough; it is because of what happened when I was born. It was a very tragic accident and I would rather not talk about it now. Only my mother and I know about it and we have never shared it with anyone else, not even Luvena. She is still too young.

Even with that, my so-called ‘cute features’ have been altered by the blood now covering both my eyes and my right cheek. I look almost demonic. I have seen demons, even up close and in person. It as when I was younger and very reckless. I stole away to the demonic kingdom just over the large mountain range to the south. I was very lucky that I was not killed then.

I gulp and finally tear my eyes away from my demonic reflection, twisting the faucet and cupping my hands under the flowing water before washing away the blood. I try to find out where the blood was coming from but there are no cuts on my forehead and the blood did not touch my hair so I rule out the idea that it had come from my scalp. Anyway, the blood flow has stopped.

I grab a towel from the rack and dry my face and hair, glancing at my face in the mirror one more time to make sure that I had gotten all the blood. Everything seems to be in order. I just hope that that does not happen again. How would I be able to explain collapsing in the middle of class and then the sudden flow of blood from an unknown source?

I toss the towel on the floor and hurry from the bathroom, taking the stairs three at a time, landing in the middle of the hallway with a loud bang. I hear my mother dropping something in the kitchen as she yelps in surprise. “Sorry, Mom! In a hurry! No time for breakfast!” I grab my bag from the floor; sling it over my shoulder before slipping on my boots and then grabbing my trench coat.

“Alex!” She screams at me, poking her head through the doorway leading to the kitchen. I wave to her and fling open the front door before jumping out and running down the street. She is going to have my head on a silver platter when I get home. Nine hours of freedom. I had better make them count.

I arrive at the train station in time to see the train pull away, leaving me behind. I groan, kick a pebble into the grass and turn around sharply, slamming right into a man wearing a motorcycle helmet. I fly backwards from the force but he barely sways. As soon as I right myself, I open my mouth to yell at him—even though it was my fault from running into him—but I see him smile from under the helmet, and that smile makes me falter. “Sorry…” I mutter, instead of trying to insult him or force him to apologize.

“You missed your train.” He says and I find myself nodding, without even wanting to, really. That voice…it is deep and smooth and for some strange reason, very familiar. Why am I talking to this guy? Mother always told me to be wary of strangers but here I am…talking to him, well sort of talking to him. “Too bad, kid.” He turns and walks off, disappearing into the crowd. I blink after him in shock, for some reason, I thought he was going to offer me a ride.

I feel my face heat up with both anger and embarrassment. How dare some strange guy embarrass me! Where does he get off doing something like that to some random person he meets at a train station? I hope he crashes into a brick wall.

I manage to take the second train out of town and end up reaching school before the warning bell—by running from the train station as fast as my legs could carry me. The teacher surveys me with a look that says a number of things but I do not bother to read what her face says. I weave in the out of the desks and drop into my seat next to the window.

“I thought you were going to miss the test.” My friend whispers to me, leaning forward in his desk and resting his chin on my should. I swat at him, whacking him on the nose. “Hey, you’re n a particularly bad mood this morning. What happened to you?”

“Life, Yuki, life.” Even though I have my back facing him, I know he just rolled his eyes at the statement and I smile to myself. “I missed the train and then I ran into this rude guy at the train station. He was wearing a motorcycle helmet too.”

“There’s nothing weird about wearing a motorcycle helmet, Alex.” He says and I glance back at him just as he shrugs his shoulders. “Would you rather see him crash and then watch his brains splatter all over the road?”

“That would be nice.” He shivers at this and I know he suddenly got a visual of this happening, even if he does not know what the man looks like.

“You truly are a sick one, Alex.” I laugh to myself but it ends quickly enough because the teacher calls for our attention.

“Now, put everything away and get ready for the exam, remember, if you fail this, you cannot pass the semester.” I hear a groan from the rest of the class, some doing it jokingly and others doing it probably because they feel they did not study enough. Too much studying can fry your brain. Tch. The words of the great Yuki. I am just surprised that he even made it this far. I rarely see him doing his schoolwork and he always sleeps in class.

I just finished my test. I was looking out the window next to me, gazing up at the endless blue sky and the brilliant sun that hung in there like a beacon of hope, promising a beautiful day. I could never have imagined that it was at that moment my life would be changed forever and there would be nothing I could do—no matter how hard I tried—to stop that from happening. Moreover, I would never ever be able to go back to the way things were before. This is probably why we fear change so much. We do not have the power to reverse it if we do not appreciate the way things are going.

The door to the classroom opens and someone from the office—a senior in class A, I had seen him around school often—walks into the class and tiptoes over to the teacher, whispering something into her ear before they both look at me with an expression that I had never seen on anyone’s face before. I did not know what to make of it.

“Ju’ent-kun, will you please go with Yukimaru to the front to the front office, it is very important.” I rise out of my chair and begin to walk down the isle when she says, “Take your things with you, you will not be coming back to class today.” Something in her voice told me that I would not be coming back to class for a long time. I grab my things before following Yukimaru out of the classroom, I can feel my classmate’s eyes on me, and I could tell that they were worried.

Yukimaru and I walk in silence for a couple of steps before he pauses in the middle of the hallway and I stop after him, looking at him. “Yukimaru-sempai?” He has his head down, his bangs covering his eyes and I can see that he is shaking. “Sempai?” He snaps out of it, looking up at me quickly, acting almost as if I had just slapped him.

“Ju’ent-kohai, I know what this must be like for you, so…” He starts out cryptically and I raise an eyebrow while he struggles with his words, I do not know if this is typical behavior for someone like him but I had heard that he is a very reserved guy, the kind of guy that would not do something like this—especially with someone that is nearly three years his junior. “…If you ever want to talk to someone, you can always come to me.”

“Thank…you, Sempai…” I cannot keep the confusion out of my voice but he does not seem to notice, merely nodding to me and smiling briefly before continuing down the hallway again. I blink after him and finally follow after him, running to catch up with his quick strides.

It is something I learned at a young age. I learned most of what I now know when I was younger but it was not until I was older that I learned to improve upon what I had learned as a child. You never want to allow others to know your true emotions, even if it makes you seem emotionless as first or all the time for that matter. This is a way to protect your true essence so that people do not end up shattering you with careless words and if you are too forward with your emotions…they may not know how to react to them and you leave them in silence. Yukimaru broke that with his words and that expression so apparent on his face. Most would think he was weak for that but I actually respect him for trusting me so much. No one has ever done that for me.

It does make me wonder though, what could be so…something—for lack of a better word or emotion—to make Yukimaru reveal his true emotions to me? I am younger than he is and we have not even spoken with each other before this. We do take the same kendo class but we have never spared or anything. I would only expect that display of emotions to a very close friend or maybe a family member. People can surprise you, I guess. That is probably why I surround myself with them, even if I am being a hypocrite for doing that.

He holds the door open for me when we reach the front office and I thank him before bowing into the room and glancing around. There were few people in there at the time; there was one of the juniors talking with one of the teachers, but aside from that…My eyes suddenly fall on a very beautiful woman, who looks to be in her mid-twenties, sitting over in the corner of the room near the front desk. I blink at her and then realize that I know her, very well in fact. It is my older sister, Lupe, who had moved to the kingdom of Shilont to become a doctor for the king.

She pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose and I smile happily at her, taking a couple of steps towards when I notice that she is not smiling. In fact, her eyes are red and puffy as if she had been crying only moments before. I feel Yukimaru’s hand on my shoulder before he walks out of the front office. Lupe stands up and walks over to me, that solemn expression in her violet eyes frightening me. “Lupe, what is the matter? What are you doing here?” I had not seen her since last Christmas and I had not heard from her since I turned sixteen in January—it is almost December again.

“Oh, Alexei,” She never calls me Alex. I actually prefer it this way because she is the only one to ever use my full name while addressing me. “Oh, baby, it’s horrible.” She begins to cry, something I had never seen my sister do, even when her first pet died, she was always the strong one in the family. She was the one I ran to when Dad left us, so it is unnerving when someone like her breaks down right in front of me. “Luvena…she…”

It is almost as if time itself has stopped. Even with just those two words, I know that something terrible has happened to my sweet, innocent baby sister that always found a reason to smile and laugh. It was probably the tears that shook Lupe’s lithe frame now or her pervious words but I knew whatever happened to Luvena was dire. I could not breathe, no matter how hard I tried to get the air to flow into my lungs. The room began to spin and I grabbed onto Lupe’s arms to steady myself as I start to sway.

“Where is she?” It was all I could do to keep from passing out in the middle of the office in front of the teacher and student. I knew that they were not paying us any mind now but if I were to pass out…it would be all over the school in a matter of minutes. I do not know why I cared about that now. Maybe it was my way of trying to keep from panicking but I knew that I was, deep down. My pulse was quickening and I could heart pounding loudly in my ears.

“In the hospital in the next town. Mom is with her. I do not know all the details but it seems that she was attack by a man.” I pull away and look up at her. “Shh, do not ask any questions just yet, Alexei. We need to get to the hospital and be there when Luvena wakes up.” It is fine with me. I do not trust myself to say anymore. Lupe signs me out of school and we leave the building, walking over to her car. She takes my bag from me and throws it in the back of the car before holding the door open and letting me into the passenger’s side. “I am sure that there is nothing for us to worry about, Alexei. You know how stubborn Luvena can be. She is not going to give up to something like this.” All I can do is nod. Even though she is trying very hard to reassure me—to reassure herself as well—I cannot believe her words. It is because I heave learned over time—even after all of this—that there is very little hope left in the world and it is only awarded to those who have proven themselves worthy. I am not one of those people.

I climb out of the car as it rolls to a stop in front of the hospital. It must have taken us an hour to get here and the sky has already clouded over from what it was when I was sitting in class. It had been such a clear and beautiful day too. I stand on the sidewalk, looking up at the intimidating white building with thousands of windows, each of them reflecting the gloomy storm clouds in the sky. I turn around and wait for Lupe to get out of her car. She loops her arm through mine and together we walk up to the hospital doors, both knowing—I could feel her emotions as if they were my own and in a way, they were—that nothing would ever be the same for any of us ever again. For better or for worse, this would be the end of our family as we knew it.

At the information desk, Lupe asks the woman sitting there where we could find our sister. I look around at the hospital while she does this. There were not many people there because the elves had found a cure for most illnesses that befell humans and had shared them with us because they had no use for them themselves. The hospital was not more for other things. I have rarely been to a hospital myself, this would be the first time in nearly ten years.

“Come along, Alexei, she’s up on the fourth floor in room 36B.” Lupe takes my hand in hers and pulls me along as the woman at the desk waves to us with a small smile on her face. I can tell that even she is worried and that the smile is one of encouragement rather than anything else. People are easy to read if you know how to do so.

We take the elevator up to the fourth floor and look around for room 36B for a couple of minutes before we find it at the end of the hall. We stand outside the door, listening to the sounds of our mother’s pathetic sobs drifting from the room. I look at Lupe and tears begin to fill her eyes again as she places her hand on the doorknob. She twists it and pushes the door open very carefully.

Mother is sitting in a chair pushed up very close to the hospital bed that is set up in the middle of the room. She has her head lying on the bed and her shoulders quake each time she breathes in, a raspy, tearful sound that tears at my heart each time I hear it…each time I remind myself of it. Then I see who is lying on the bed and I feel the room begin to spin again. Luvena, sweet little Luvena whose smile could brighten any room without even trying, was lying in the bed with IV tubes sticking out from her wrists and connecting her to a bag of clear liquid on one side and another tube connected her to a large bag of blood. There is a respirator mask covering her nose and mouth, helping her breathe. She looks so pale and small lying there on that big bed, a helpless little thing. It was then that I realized just how helpless we really were.

“Luvena…” I find myself whispering, taking a step forward. That was when Mother decided to lift her head from the bed and as soon as she spotted me, I could see the hatred on her face and it shook me to the very core of my being. No one had ever looked at me with such hatred before, but this was more than just a normal hatred. She despised me, she wanted me to be the one lying in that bed with the respirator and the IV tubes hooked up to me. The faint beeping in the background that was the sound of Luvena’s heartbeat, she wanted that to be my heart, slowly growing fainter and fainter by the minute.

“You…” I flinch at the sound of her voice. Her voice broke and crackled but I could hear everything she wanted to say with that single word, she need not go on but she did and she would not stop until I heard all of it. Every last syllable that was dripping with pure hatred for me, her own son. “You filthy piece of shit.” It was the first time I had heard her cuss and I think that made it worse than it would have been if she had chosen different words but she was still insulting me. “You are to show your face in front of me after what you did to your little sister?”

I turn to look at her quickly and watch in horror as she moves around the bed towards me. I take a step back and Lupe places protective hands on my shoulders, pulling me back into her arms. “Mom, what are you going on about? Alexei was at school all day. There was no way he could have done this. You’re delirious.” Our Mother shook her head as she continues to move closer to us. Lupe pushes me behind her and I peer over her shoulder, watching our Mother still. What was going on? Why did she think that I was the one who did this to Luvena?

“No, I am not, Lupe! I saw him with my own eyes.” She points at me with an accusing finger that shook as she sobbed, tears flowing down her cheeks. “We were at the circus, everything was going perfectly find. Luvena was sitting next to me, waiting for the lights to dim when there was a sudden panic from the middle of the arena. Then, he showed up with a sword and charged at Luvena.” Lupe turns back to look at me but the emotion in her eyes is not accusing. At least she was on my side. “Do not protect him, Lupe! He is the one that killed your little sister! He isn’t even your real brother!”

Everything I knew, my entire life that I could remember played in front of me like an old movie, jumping forward to one scene, flashing back to another. This woman is not my mother…Luvena and Lupe are not my sisters…if this is true…then who am I? What am I?

“What are you talking about? Alexei is my real brother! I saw you give birth to him at the hospital sixteen years ago. I was there, you cannot tell me that I did not see that.” Lupe says, shaking her head. “Mother, you need to rest. This has been a trying day for you. Luvena is going to be just fine with a little bit of rest. Let’s go home and you can…” She stops when Mother begins to laugh, looking at us with a crazed look in her eyes.

“Lupe, so naïve. I may have given birth to the boy but he is not mine. There was this woman who could not give birth to the child on her own so I volunteered to give birth to the boy myself so that I could do something nice for another person. This woman…I never met her but she died shortly after Alex was born. I never had the chance to meet her. She died because that boy is a demon! He tried to kill an innocent little girl! Because Luvena was the only thing stopping him.” I look over at Luvena, feeling a pang of guilt. With all that Mother is saying, I do feel as if it is my fault that she is lying there, slowly dying right before my eyes.

“What do you mean by that, Mother? You are not making any sense…” Lupe was trying to remain calm but her voice was strained and she was staring to shake. There was only so much a person could take before they finally snap under the pressure. I could tell that she was reaching her limits. Piling this on what was going on with Luvena…it was not fair to her.

“Don’t you see, Lupe? It makes perfect sense. Why his ears are the way they are, why he looks the way he looks. No human has that color of hair. He is the product of a demon and a fallen angel. A satanic creature right before us that only wanted to harm Luvena. That is why his demon mother sought me out and made me give birth to the evil creature.” Mother gestures to Luvena wildly and I look back at her, my head spinning. Things were happening so fast that my mind did not have a chance to collect everything that was said and make sense if it. All I could feel was confusion and sadness. I had been lied to my entire life but I did not feel remorse for myself, I only cared about what was happening to Luvena. “Luvena is really an angel, sent to Arcadia to make sure that that demon never joined with the other unholy creatures and lead a revolt against all of Arcadia. That is why he killed her today! It must have been all apart of his twisted little plans.”

“Mom, this is Alexei we are talking about. The little boy who cried when he fell out of a tree and broke his leg. The same boy that you gave birth to and raised his entire life. He is your son and you cannot change that. He has the same DNA as you and everything. His features…they are like Dad’s.” I cannot suppress the gasp I let out at this. We never talk about Dad and no one has ever told me what he looked like. I had always hated him for running away from us. I just remember that, nothing else. Not what he looked like, not his voice…nothing.

“You did not see what I saw, Lupe. He is a demon, he will bring nothing but destruction! He laughed when he stabbed Luvena! Now, she is lying on the bed dying and it is all his fault. I cannot forgive him for that! I will kill him!” Mother reaches into her purse and pulls out a bloody dagger before charging at me. My eyes widen in surprise and I move back, tripping over my feet and falling to the ground with a thud.

“Alexei, run!” Lupe yells holding her hands out to block Mother from me. I sit up and watch as Mother struggles with Lupe, trying to stab at me but cutting Lupe’s arms and sides. “What are you waiting for, Alexei? Run! I do not know how much longer I can keep her here! You have to live, there is still so much you can do! You are not a demon, I do not care what Mom says, you are still by baby brother and I love you. Now go!”

“Lupe…” I nod and jump to my feet, running through the halls and slamming into the door that led to the staircase. I could still hear Lupe and Mother struggling with each other and I heard mother’s shouts and Lupe’s screams.

I took the stairs five at a time now, leaping down them as quickly as I could, grabbing onto the railing whenever I slipped. My mind was racing, probably just as fast as my heart was pounding. Mother thought that I had been the one to attack Luvena but I was at school when she was attack so how could she think that? I have to figure this out because I know I was not the one who did this and I have to make Mother believe me. I will make her listen even if it takes my last breath to accomplish that task.

Thirty minutes later, I reach the town gates and pause at the road that would take me back to my hometown. I cannot go home but I have nowhere else to go. I cannot go to Yuki because that would be too much trouble for him and not to mention abrupt and rather rude. I left my bag in Lupe’s car. It was not like I had much in there, just my school stuff, and my wallet is in my trench coat. I rested my hand on one of the many pockets and pat my wallet. I do not know what I plan to do but I know that I have to get some answers and the only way I am going to do that is by going to the scene of the crime.

To the circus.

It was like a ghost town only with a brightly colored tent and hundreds of trailers and wooden crates surrounding it. I take a step towards the tent and pause, glancing around me just in case I have to make a mad dash to one of the crates and hide. My Mother may have been delirious but she sounded very convincing that she thought I was the one who stabbed Luvena.

I proceed to the tent, pushing back the curtain and stepping inside. It is even more quiet in here. The floodlights overhead have been dimmed and their white light barely reaches the floor. The strong smell of blood hits me as I walk towards the stands and I climb up the steps, peering at the ground closely until I spot something that looks like a dark puddle. Luvena’s blood. I cover my mouth in horror and back away, leaning over the side of the stands and vomiting three or four times before slipping to the ground, my forehead drenched in a cold sweat.

“You sure can’t take much, can you, boy?” I jump and look back further along the stands to see that guy with the helmet standing there, lighting a cigarette and smirking at me from under a baseball cap. I still could not see his features but I could see his smirk and that was all I needed.

“I do not have time for your idiocy.” I say roughly, pulling at my trench coat and standing up, trying my best not to let my knees wobble. I have had a very bad day and I do not feel like dealing with you at the moment.” I hear him laughing behind me.

“You know, they say that the flow of time is a very complicated thing. Human beings try to grasp onto that and attempt to make a name for themselves so that people remember them, even for a moment.” I pause and look back at him. “They do not care, they will do everything in their power to make sure that they are remembered; we hurt the ones we love, or something along those lines. It is, for this reason, why I find humans so interesting, do you not agree with me, boy?”

He does not wait for me to answer. He drops his cigarette to the ground, pushes it into the dirt and then walks over, waving to me before he disappears, ducking under the side of the tent. I blink after him and one thing worries me. His words make so much sense to me. I found myself thinking those same things later on even before when I see couples down the street and then a minute later, the are with someone else. Then there are the riots that break out on the street sometimes. Are those people just trying to be remembered by others in their own way? It is petty. Humans are petty.

If human beings are petty…then what am I? Is it true, what mother said back there at the hospital? Am I…the child of a demon and a fallen angel? What am I?

This did not help at all. It merely confused me even more.

I walk around the inside of the tent for a while, looking up at the ceiling and just…staring. I did not know what had happened to Lupe and Luvena was dying while Mother was slowly going insane. Here I was, staring up at some stupid, colorful ceiling and not thinking about anything other than what had happened. Today had started out just like any other day. What had broken that calm? Was it what happened this morning just after Luvena went to her room? Am I really responsible for what happened to Luvena? Did I somehow have a memory lapse and…

No! That is impossible. I was there in my desk all day. No one saw me leave and no one said anything to me so I am not the cause of her being in that hospital bed…slowly slipping away. I should be there with her now, instead of being here and accomplishing nothing at all.

I realize something now. I have not cried for Luvena yet. Lupe has…and even Mother but I have not even shed a single tear for her, not even when I saw her lying there. I was just frightened, scared to see her there, looking so helpless and fragile and there was nothing that I could do to help her. I ran away from her. I ran away from Lupe and I ran away from Mother. I could not handle it. I was pathetic. I let Lupe down. I forced her to fight against mother and keep her there while Mother stabbed her…while trying to kill me.

I fall where I stand, hug my knees to my chest and bury my face in my knees, “Lupe…Luvena…Mother. I am so sorry…what have I done?”

“You think that this is your fault?” A soft, kind male voice coming from above me. I do not look up at him, merely nodding and not trusting myself to speak for the second time that day. “That is foolish for you. It is because of him that this is happening to you. You are not to blame.”

“Do not tell him that, you lying bastard.” A harsher male voice coming from the same place as the first. I still do not lift my head, afraid of what I might see. “It is his fault, if he had not been here, the girl would not be dying.”

“Oh, and you suddenly have all the answers.” I smile bitterly to myself. I know who is speaking now. My little demon and my little angel. My inner voices. “You know what you must do now, Alexei, you have to get to the bottom of this.”

“No, he has to give up.”

“…Don’t you have a gay bar to be at?”

“…Stupid angel.”

“Alexei, please listen to me, there is only one thing left for you to do, you have to go back to the hospital.”

“Yeah, go back there and let your mommy kill you. Tch. You’re doing this to smite me, right?”

“Spite and smite are two different things, I am doing the former. You uneducated demon. Alexei, Luvena is the only one who really knows what happened here today. You have to go back to the hospital and talk with her before it is too late. She is going to die, we cannot stop that now, but we can make sure that her death is not in vain. Once we find out who did this to her, we can confront him and ask him why he felt compelled to do something like this to an innocent little girl.”

It sounds like a perfect plan, aside from the part where I have to go back to the hospital and am very likely to run into my mother. Then again, that is probably better than staying here and waiting for someone to find me.

I uncurl from my position and stand up, stretching to ease my aching muscles. I have no idea how long I have been here but it is beginning to grow darker. I sigh and leave the tent, making sure that no one is around before I dash down the path and back to the main road.

It is night by the time I reach the hospital again, I know that because the streetlamps are lit, their golden light lighting my way down the cobblestone road and to the hospital’s parking lot. Lupe’s car is missing but I had hoped that she would not be here anyway, at least I can hope that she drove herself back to Shilont, but knowing her, she would probably be stubborn and stick around here, waiting for me to show up somewhere out of the blue. I cannot do that, not just yet.

I walk into the hospital and look around. No one is here, not even that woman that was at the desk when I first came here with Lupe. This just makes it easier but it sort of reminds me of those old horror movies I used to watch with Lupe when she still lived with us. I have to keep reminding myself not to call out ‘Hello’ because that is when the killer comes out and murders you, or something like that.

I head over to the stairs, deciding to use them rather than the elevator because then if someone is on the fourth floor, they will know that I am on my way. My heart is starting to pound again. I am nervous and I am starting to sweat again. It is pathetic. What am I so afraid of? Dying? Going up there and seeing Luvena lying in the hospital bed dead?

I do not know. Maybe it is a little bit of both. I never thought that I would fear death but then again, I guess I never really thought about it before all of this happened. Why should I have thought about it before? I am only sixteen. I am too young to die of natural causes and it is unbearable to think of dying any other way.

I have no more time to become engrossed in my thoughts, I reach the door to the fourth floor and wait behind it patiently. The lights in the hallway are out, most likely to accommodate for the occupants on the floor, who would want a blinding white light flowing into their room while they were trying to sleep?

I push the door open carefully, mindful of the painful creak it makes as I inch into the hallway and shut the door with a soft click behind me. Nothing out of the ordinary so far but somehow I feel as if I am in a mental institution and some mad doctor is going to pop out of one of the rooms and try to experiment on me. I gulp. Suddenly, I want Yuki here with me. He always manages to cheer me up with one of his stupid jokes, that is something I need right now. I also would like a flashlight.

I squint at the numbers on the doors, trying to find Luvena’s room while at the same time, keeping my ears open for any strange sound around me, which is rather hard with my heart pounding in my ears. Aside from that, all I can hear is the sound of my shallow breathing and the sound of the soft breathing from each of the rooms.

I stop just before Luvena’s room, leaning around it and looking in the small window to make sure my mother is not there. Luvena is alone in the room, the orange glow from the streetlamps outside the only light in the room. I open the door and sneak inside, locking it behind me just in case.

It is quiet in here too. I can hear the sound of the IV liquid dripping in the middle of the room, almost as if it were a gentle symphony beckoning me closer and I did do as it asked. I moved closer to the bed, as silently as possible, afraid that my footsteps would shatter this reality and throw me into an eternal abyss.

When I finally reach her bedside, I drop to my knees next to her and carefully take her small hand in mine, being mindful of the tubes that are still giving her blood. “Luvena…” I whisper, my voice cracking ever so slightly, “I need to talk to you, Luvena. Please, just for a little while and then you can go back to sleep.” She stirs, slowly at first, then her eyes flutter open and she turns her neck slightly to look over at me.

She smiles and I feel my heart begin to break. She must not have much longer left to live. She looks worse than when I saw her earlier this afternoon but she still has a brave face on, smiling through the pain and I can see that she wants to cry but she is trying not to do that because I am here. “Big Brother…you’re here, I knew you were not the one who stabbed me back at the circus, but Mommy said you were.”

“Why does Mom think that I was the one who stabbed you, Luvena, there must be a reason…” She nods slowly, very weakly and then she begins to cough, a raspy sound.

“It was because of the man who attacked me, he looked just like you, Big Brother.” I feel my eyes widen at this and my mind begins to form millions of questions. Most of them all leading to…how is that even possible? “But he did not look as kind as you, Big Brother, his eyes were different and he was taller, his skin was tanner too.”

“Did he say anything to you, Luvena?” I ask, tightening my grip on her hand in desperation. I was getting somewhere not but how far could I get when Luvena was in this condition? She shakes her head gently, her eyes beginning to droop.

“No, he just laughed, but I did hear him say something to me in his mind.” She pointed with her free hand to her temple. “I just do not know what it was, it was some weird language.” I hang my head low, my bangs brushing against her hand as I shake my head. “Big Brother, are you scared of dying?” I snap my head up and see that she is smiling up at the ceiling with tears sparkling in her eyes. “I am not afraid to die, Big Brother, because I know that I am going to go to Heaven when I do die and I will be happy there. I will wait for you and Sissy and Mommy there. Then we’ll see Daddy there and we can all be a happy family like we were before, right, Big Brother?” I nod without even thinking about it.

I never believed in Heaven. I never believed that there was a higher power that created us. I just thought that we were here to be born and then die and then that would be the end. What is a soul but a thing that evangelists made up to give some people hope in the so-called afterlife. However, for Luvena, I would believe anything. If she told me the sky was purple and that the grass was blue, I would believe her because…she was always there for me.

I am not the kind of person who likes to destroy other people’s hopes. If they want to believe in some God, if they want to believe in Heaven and Hell, then far be it for me to get in the way of something that gives them solace. I was always a realistic person but something that is not my best quality. I think it makes me pigheaded at times.

I feel her hand grow limp in mine and her eyes glaze over, a placid smile still on her face. “I am afraid to die, Luvena. You are stronger than me.” I whisper to her but she does not answer. She will never answer me again. I release her hand and bow my head. Even now, the tears will not come. I feel heartless for not crying because Luvena was very important to me, my baby sister that was there to annoy me and always get in the way and who wanted to tag along with me and my friend when we went out. Now that was over. It was funny how the mind goes back on unimportant things when you lose someone so special that it hurts to think of their memory but you want to keep their memory alive so you keep thinking about them and you do not stop until your heart is breaking with every twist and turn of your body. Until you are at the point where you want to claw at your own chest and tear that beating vessel from your body because that would be the only way to stop it. To stop all of it and never feel anything again.

I do not know how it happened but I ended up on the edge of the rooftop of the hospital, looking out at the town with the wind blowing around me dangerously. The tips of my shoes hang over the edge of the roof and all I have to do is take one more step and I can end all of this. Revenge is a stupid thing. Luvena would not want me running off to my death just for her.

Go ahead. You want to die. You want to end all of this, don’t you? This is the only way you can do that. Just take one more step, Alex, and it is all over. No more pain, no more suffering, no more emotions, no more anything. It all ends as soon as you die. I should know, I have died countless numbers of times and I have always come back when I am needed, only you will not come back. Trust me, this is what you want. Death. Eternal nothingness. It is beautiful. Everyone has to die eventually, why don’t you end your suffering now and jump. It won’t hurt. It is exciting, plummeting hundreds of stories to the ground and then…nothing. I would do it myself but I still have business to take care of. Go on. Don’t be scared. There is nothing on the other side, so there is nothing for you to be afraid of. Jump!

The tears come now. I am scared. I do not want to die. I do not want this to end, even if I suffer, even if people hate me. I do not want to die! I do not want to feel nothing. I want to feel sadness, I want to feel happiness, and I want all of the emotions all at once. I want to know who I really am! I want to know who my biological parents are. I want to see Lupe one last time. I want to see Yuki one last time. I want to tell him that he is not as annoying as I tell him he is…but most of all, I want to fall in love.

“Fool boy.” I spin around and see the man from the train station and the circus standing there, this time there is nothing hiding his eyes from me and that is what I saw. Myself, only much taller and older and more demonic looking. This was the man who killed Luvena. “I was trying to help you.” He tosses his cigarette to the ground and takes a step towards me. “I guess I have to play the bad guy one more time.”

He closes the gap between us and grabs my wrists, holding me in place in his powerful grip. His face inches closer to mine until all I can see are a pair of blurry, crimson eyes, not my pale blue ones, even though this man looks almost exactly like me.

My mind goes blank as his lips crush mine, attacking me with a bruising kiss. I try to push him away but he is far stronger than I am. Then his hand is on my chest and for a second I do not know what to think, until he pushes me back and the ground slips away from me and the painful touch of his lips is gone. I am falling backwards and down, or so I thought. I feel a jerk above me and realize that he still has a hold of my wrist. “Help me!”

“I will not. You are pretty stupid for someone who is supposedly to be academically smart. I just killed your so-called sister and then I pushed you off this building and you are asking me to help you?” He smirks, “Are you afraid to die, Alex?”

“Yes! I am afraid to die! Now, please help me!” His eyes narrow in anger and he loosens his grip on my wrist and I start to slip. “What are you doing!?”

“I want you to want to die, Alex. I want you to beg me to drop you from this building to your death right now. Because of me, you have no one, because of me, your sisters—both of them—are dead. Even the woman who bore you, she is lying on the floor in her house, bleeding to death as we speak. All of this is my doing. You are alone because of me. You have nothing left to live for, so tell me you want to die.”

It is like a dam breaking and the water rushing forth in a destructive surge. Nothing can stop it and in a sense, no one wants to because the destruction can be beautiful at times. Just as I thought this was later, “I am not afraid to die. Drop me. I don’t care…you have already taken everything that I have ever known. You would be doing me a favor.”

He smiles and then leans down, whispering, “Do you trust me?”

“What?”

“Do you trust me?” What are you supposed to say to the man who holds your life in his hands so carelessly?

“…Yes.”