Six Degrees of Annie Cut Robespierre, a Play story

Six Degrees of Bond on the Interior Roof Annie Rent the Exception and the Rule

A COMEDY
IN ONE ACT

Chris Perry

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Six Degrees of Bond on the Interior Roof Annie Rent the Exception and the Rule

At the regional competition for the Maine State One-Act Festival, Fryeburg Academy, with an expert cast, did not receive the awards they felt they deserved. Out of angry spite comes this play.

During the course of the festival, there were many substandard shows, and judges who wanted to see sets and costumes rather than good acting.

This is the story of bad acting – and bad judges.

STAGE AREAS:

Something I’ll Tell You Tuesday

Stage Area

(other shows)

Stage Front

(Something I’ll Tell You Tuesday, Bond)

Teyve’s

Corner

SOMETHING I’LL TELL YOU TUESDAY
This play involves little or no make-up and set. However, in order to appease the judges, the DIRECTOR calls for a big set and heavy makeup. AGNES must wear a wig and sit in a wheelchair, ANDREW becomes almost deaf.

FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
This play involves the story of a fiddler on the roof. The fiddler is an allegory for the lives of the people of a village in pre-revolution Russia. However, our narrator, TEYVE, wants it clear that he sees a different view.

A N N I E
This play is the story of little orphan Annie, who is abandoned. In this version, we see ANNIE singing to WARBUCKS, but JUDGE 1 and JUDGE 2 don’t approve of her song.

G O L D F I N G E R
This is a classic James Bond flick, but here we see it in a different light, since obviously BOND and GOLDFINGER are homosexual – according to the Judges.

SIX DEGREES OF SEPERATION
Another Guare Piece, Six Degrees tells the story of a con artist who links six people together. But, in an effort to appease the judges, he is now been moved to Something I’ll Tell You Tuesday.

I N T E R I O R
This is the story of a dead daughter and an old man who must tell her parents. But the OLD MAN is reluctant to go, and he says so elegantly. Unfortunatly, the judge doesn’t understand what he is saying.

THE EXCEPTION AND THE RULE
A Brecht play, the Exception and the Rule is about justice that is not so just and the class struggle between the merchant and the carrier. The GUIDE tells us that we need to change our ways because things are wrong. Is he talking about law…or judges?

R E N T
The classic rock opera Rent deals with many controversial topics in the Bohemian life – the characters feel that no one understands them, and that life sucks. But out of misery comes hope, does it not?

Six Degrees of Bond on the Interior Roof Annie Rent the Exception and the Rule is based on many different plays.

Six Degrees of Separation and Something I’ll Tell You Tuesday are both by John Guare.

Interior is by Maurice Maeterlinck

Rent is by Jonathon Larson

Fiddler on the Roof is by Joseph Stein.

Annie is by Thomas Meehan

Goldfinger is by Ian Fleming

The Exception and the Rule is by Bertolt Brecht

PLAY NOTES

For all shows but Something, use minimal sets and reserved costumes. There should be severe contrast between the ‘real’ plays and the ‘judge-appeasing’ play.

There should also be sharp contrast between AGNES and ANDREW before and AGNES and ANDREW after the DIRECTOR changes the show.

JOHN and the STAGE MANAGER must be two separate people. They should be uninvolved with the rest of the show, too.

Never allude to the audience in the beginning that there is anything wrong. They should think that Something is the real show at first.

Six Degrees of Bond on the Interior Roof Annie Rent the Exception and the Rule

AGNES and ANDREW are standing on the stage, performing John Guare’s SOMETHING I’LL TELL YOU TUESDAY. At this moment, the audience should think that this is the actual play.

AGNES.If we left now, we could leave them a note for them to meet us at the hospital.

ANDREW.They’ll be here any minute.

AGNES.Please, Andrew –

DIRECTOR. Coming up from the audience. Cut! Damn it. Beat. You’ll never win with that. I need to see more emotion, Andrew. Again! Action! Lights down, beat, up.

AGNES.If we left now, we could leave them a note for them to meet us at the hospital.

ANDREW.They’ll be here any minute.

AGNES.Please, Andrew –

DIRECTOR.From audience. Cut! Damn it. Beat. Make up!

AGNES.But the script says –

DIRECTOR.Damn the script. I don’t care. We have to win, don’t we?

General consensus.

DIRECTOR. Then let’s see some make up.

AGNES.Reluctant. All right then.

DIRECTOR.Agnes, you’re sick. Hobble around some more.

ANDREW.Um…

DIRECTOR.Actually – John, I need some old people props!

Enter JOHN with a wheelchair.

JOHN.This do?

DIRECTOR.John, I love ya! Give Agnes the chair. Lights dim on stage, spot on JOHN and DIRECTOR. I’ve learned my lesson. No more experimental theatre for me.

STAGE MANAGER. All set, boss!

DIRECTOR.Okay! Action! Lights up. A large, expansive set sits uselessly behind them. Agnes is visibly old, hobbled over in her wheelchair. Andrew is bald, and his voice is ragged.

AGNES.Obviously faking. If we left now, dearie, we could leave them a note for them to meet us at the hospital.

ANDREW.Faking senility. What?

AGNES.I said, slower and louder, as if talking to a child if we left now, we could leave a note.

ANDREW.Outraged. Do what?

AGNES.Leave a note!

ANDREW.I haven’t had a toke since I was in college.

AGNES.No, Andrew – we could leave a note for Hildegarde and George –

ANDREW.Who?

AGNES.Our children, Andrew

ANDREW.Matter-of-factly. I don’t have any children.

Lights dim, come up in corner where TEYVE sits in his chair, opposite from the single actions.

TEYVE.A fiddler on the roof. Strange, no? But, really, aren’t all today’s plays just fiddlers on the roof? Funny to watch, quite amusing – but useless. Stupid. Absolutely redundant. What The hell is he doing on the roof? Well, after some problems with judges, we’ve finally decided to give them just what they wanted to see. I like this way better – without all the imagination. It’s better this way. You win this way.

Lights come up to show ANNIE and WARBUCKS sitting at a table. TEYVE watches them from his chair.

ANNIE.Sings. The sun will come out tomorrow/Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow/they’ll be sun.

WARBUCKS. So touching, Annie.

ANNIE.Yes

WARBUCKS. However, I did notice that you paused briefly. And – I’m confused. Is that song inspirational, or is it supposed to be a Russian folk song?

Pause. Lights go down, come up on JAMES BOND. Beat

BOND.Do you expect me to talk?

GOLDFINGER. No, Mister Bond, I expect you to die!

JUDGE 1.From audience. Now, wait – stop the show. It is obvious from those two lines that you don’t know what this show is about.

GOLDFINGER. What?

JUDGE 2.This show!

BOND.Er…

Beat.

JUDGE 1.It’s about love, gentlemen, love! You are obviously two men who haven’t, well, taken off your glove, per se.

BOND.What?

JUDGE 2.It’s an allegory – an analogy. Lefties are to gay people as righties are to straight people.

JUDGE 1.Such moving words.

JUDGE 2.We’ve all wanted to, you know, suck another thumb…but for your characters, it goes much deeper.

JUDGE 1.Like Sponge bob and Patrick.

Lights down, up on stage – AGNES and ANDREW have returned. GEORGE and HILDEGARDE are about to enter.

AGNES.I’d like to walk with you – well, you can push me.

HILDEGARDE. V.O. We cannot hear her. Just shut up, George, just shut up.

AGNES.Please, Andrew. Pleading. ANDREW cannot hear her, he is ‘deaf’.

GEORGE.It wasn’t that bad!

HILDEGARDE. Shove it, George. Mama, papa, we’re home! Knock, knock, knock!

ANDREW becomes aware, points to door. AGNES wheels herself over.

AGNES.We’re home. Knock, knock, knock.

AGNES opens the door, and in walks HILDEGARDE wearing a 1920’s style flapper outfit. George is wearing a mustard yellow leisure suit and a fake mustache. His head is obviously a head of cabbage.

GEORGE.Folks, how are ya’?

ANDREW.How dare you? Hobbles over, smacks ‘GEORGE’ very hard. The cabbage rolls off the stage into the audience.

AGNES.Rotten! She wheels into GEORGE, who walks to the edge of the stage, gives a feeble ‘meuuh’, and falls off.

Enter PAUL (Six Degrees of Seperation).

PAUL.Hello, folks, I’m Paul.

PAUL’s face is painted a hideous, multi-toned black.

AGNES.Well, hello Paul.

PAUL.Over the top, melodramatic.…the imagination is the passport we create to take us into the real world. I believe the imagination is another phrase for what is most uniquely us. …most of the time the faces we face are not the other guy's but our own faces. And it is the worst kind of yellowness to be so scared of yourself you put blindfolds on rather than deal with yourself…. To face ourselves--that's the hard thing. The imagination--God's gift, to make the act of self--examination bearable.

Beat. The lights go down here and up on the old man, sitting.

OLD MAN.I cannot tell them now. Look at them – so quiet, so peaceful. It would be doing them a great disservice to tell them now. I will wait until it is daytime.

JUDGE 2.From audience. Now, I have a problem with this line. Perhaps it should be changed to ‘I can’t tell them now. They are too happy. It’d be mean. I’ll tell them in the morning.

OLD MAN.But, the words should flow eloquently –

JUDGE 2.You know what? Eloquence has no place in theatre! Your director should now that.

OLD MAN.Are you a theatre teacher?

JUDGE 2.No, I’m better than that – I’m a ‘sales activist!’

TEYVE.Comes from corner. If you don’t mind me asking, sir, what is a ‘sales activist’?

JUDGE 2.Obviously doesn’t know himself. Well, if you don’t know, then I can’t help you.

TEYVE.Suspicious. Hmm…

Lights up on stage. TEYVE exits.

AGNES.Andrew, I’d like to…I’d like to…Damn it! Flips out. I’d like to shove a fork so far up those judges’ –

ANDREW.Agnes!

AGNES.It’s true! Of all the things I miss about getting old, it’s the judges! We used to have some great judges, didn’t we? And the audience clapping together their hands! Music begins to play – ‘Seasons’. Not even a fluffy award or a half-cocked dinner can make you feel as good as when you’ve finished talking to the audience, and the judges have finished talking to you. That’s what I miss about the old days. Enter PAUL, silently. You just don’t have the judges anymore. Enter OLD MAN, ANNIE, and JUDGE 3.

JUDGE 3.Not the good ones. Enter GUIDE.

GUIDE. We see the curtain closed, the plot unended.
In your opinion, then, what's to be done?
Change human nature or--the world? Well: which?
Believe in bigger, better gods or--none?
How can we mortals be both good and rich?

AGNES, ANDREW, JUDGE 3, GUIDE, HILDEGARDE, PAUL, OLD MAN, and ANNIE. Sing.
525,600 minutes,
525,000 moments portrayed.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a play?

MEN. BOND, GOLDFINGER, TEYVE, GEORGE, DIRECTOR, JOHN, and STAGE MANAGER approach stage from back.
In stage lights,
in fun sets,
in big fights,
in cups of coffee.
In inches,
in miles,
in laughter,
in strife.

In just a little under, say, 40 minutes - how
do you measure a show in their life?

How about talent? How about acting? How about miming? Or lack thereof.
Or lack thereof (Awards to those who love)

WOMEN.
525,600 minutes!
525,000 journeys they’ve planned.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure
the shows by a woman or man?

SOLOIST 1
In truths that she learned, or in times that he lied.
In judges he spurned, or the way that she cried.

COMPANY
It’s time now to sing out,
will the story ever end?
Let’s celebrate and not shed a tear
For this show of friends.

Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Remember the love!

Acting in love.
Act ‘cause they love
It’s acting they love
Seasons of love!

TEYVE.Music continues. So that’s how we win the festival, eh? Forget the scripts, go for laughs. Imagination…it’s what we’ve taken away from theatre today. Let’s bring it back, I say. Perhaps I’m a nut, who knows? But I’d rather be a nut than be a bad actor. High ho silver, away! Exeunt.

COMPANY. Sings.
How about talent? How about acting? How about miming? Or lack thereof.
Or lack thereof (Awards to those who love)

Acting in love.
Act ‘cause they love
It’s acting they love
Seasons of love!

Curtain closes but lights remain up. JUDGE 4, JUDGE 5, and JUDGE 6 come out from the audience.

JUDGE 4.I dunno…

JUDGE 5.Can’t say I agreed with it

CHORUS.Shove it! Blackout.

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