Someone To Save

So you're telling me that it's over?

What is there to finish

if nothing started to begin with?

How can something be working

if there was nothing to work to begin with?

I'm writing thisso you understand

that you never knew me,

that no one has ever known me

and I doubt that they ever will.

Do you remember when you asked me questions

about my life

-where had I lived before I came here,

why I had to move,

why sometimes I slice my arms up just to feel?

If you do, then you'll remember that I never replied;

I just took another drag on my cigarette

and pretended that I couldn't hear you.

Do you remember when we'd go to the shopping centre

and laugh at the strangers rushing around?

We'd laugh at their glasses

or their hair,

or the bright coloured trousers they were wearing

and the loud shirts that just didn't look right.

We walked in and out of every shop there was

but failed to buy one single thing,

it was just another way to pass the day.

The highlight of our day was getting our photo taken

in the photo booths that we could only both just squeeze into.

Looking back on those photos now,

can yousee you smiling a smile that reaches your eyes

in every single photograph and similarly, in every single photograph,

my eyes are glazed

and I'm off my face?

Do you remember New Years Eve

when we laid in the snow up at Broom Park?

The snow reached our knees

and it only took an hour before my feet went numb.

We laughed and we laughed

and you looked disappointed because the vodka was steadily disappearing,

'It feel over' I said.

We both know it hadn't.

I had had so much to drink that I couldn't stand

and you had to carry me home at the end of the night.

The snow from my arms dripped down your back

you told me afterwards,

and you wanted to cry because of what you had let me do.

Do you remember when we stood up at the cliff during the summer?

We sat there all day and all night

not talking and hardly breathing.

By just being there I felt safe and less lonely than I had in long time.

I kept daring you to get closer to the edge

and you in turn dared me to beat you.

You managed to swing your legs over the edge,

and then managed to grab me

before I jumped.

Do you ever wonder what things would be like

if your reaction had been to slow?

Do you remember when we laid down on the floor in your bedroom

and tried to make time stopwith our minds?

I remember laughing my head off

but truly believing that if only I could concentrate enough

we would stop everything

and be able to do whatever we liked.

You put your arm underneath my head whilst we laid there

because my head was too boney

and the floor was too hard.

Hours later I fell asleep

and you laid there all night with me.

Do you remember when we drove to London

in the middle of the night

and walked up the roads and down the streets?

We acted on impulse

and found ourselves in the middle of the London nightlife;

I had never felt so alive.

I drank until I could hardly see

and we danced until our feet hurt.

You said it was time to go home

and I asked you to let me stay.

I didn't want to go home.

You picked me up and put me into your car,

you drove me home

and we never visited London again.

Do you remember never kissing me?

Everytime your lips moved toward my mouth

I would pull away and act like

nothing had happened.

I was terrified

that I would do something wrong.

I had never been kissed or kissed a soul in my life.

I would let you do anything else you wanted;

I was yours to do as you pleased.

You knew that,

but I knew that if you could only kiss me

then everything would have been perfect.

I hope you've noticed a certain trend amongst these memories;

I was never myself with you.

I was always plied with joints or drink.

The day it ended

was the day you told me that you wouldn't buy me vodka anymore,

that you would not buy me weed;

you thought I was getting ill,

that I was using them too regularly

and you didn't want to be responsible for me anymore.

You told me that I scared you,

that I was out of control

but the wildness was what had attracted you to me to begin with.

I didn't say a word.

I rose from my sit and kissed you then,

my first kiss,

and walked from the room

and your life

forever.

I needed you to help me escape myself,

the drink made the worst things positive

and the drugs blurred reality if only for a while.

You gave me a means to get away from myself

and the life I was leading.

Everytime you touched me

you gave me a gateway into another world

created entirely in my head.

Sex made me dissociate,

and I used that

as I used you to take me away,

to take me away from everything

and everyone.

Do you see that now?

The pills,

the vodka,

the cliff,

the weed,

the endless journey to London.

I needed you to take me away.

When I was with you,

nothing mattered but getting high or pissed

and I knew that without you I would fall.

Reality was far too much to handle.

You've left a hole in my life

where my escapism used to be

and I'm falling at the moment

with the pressure of not being able to understand

what has gone wrong,

where I went wrong.

I don't understand why you changed your mind

and left me.

I think you made the realisation that you would

never help me

and gave up,

am I right?

I was 12 years old.

I didn't love you.

You were just a tool in my attempt to survive.

I needed someone to help me escape,

and you needed someone to save.