Captain Amelia the Murderous

It’s a Pirate’s life for me!

By: Elizabeth Holloway

Act 1, Scene 1

(Captain Amelia, a tall lanky woman with tan skin and unruly brown hair dressed in pirate’s regalia. A long well tailored jacket and hat with a large feather. She looks dirty and rumpled in clothes that haven’t been washed in many weeks. She is standing by the helm baking in the sun.)

Capt. Amelia: (in a deep booming voice) Weigh anchor! Furl the sails!

First Mate: But Captain, why are we stopping? There a plenty a ship in the sea just waitin’ for a plunderin’.

Capt. Amelia: First Mate, it has occurred to me that today is Sunday.

First Mate: So?

Capt. Amelia: And what is Sunday?

First Mate: Uh… A day of the week!

Capt. Amelia: No! It’s the day of rest! On the seventh day of creation God rested.

First Mate: So we’re resting? Or is today the day we swab the deck?

Capt. Amelia: Rest, my dear First Mate, is the opposite of work. Go swimming or read a book or something.

First Mate: Read, sir?

Capt. Amelia: Never mind. Go tell the men.

First Mate: Aye Aye Cap’ain!

Act 1, Scene 2

(Captain Amelia stands at the port rail looking off into the horizon. Around her, the men are preparing to go swimming)

Crickey: Cap’ain, will you be joinin’ us for a dip?

Capt. Amelia: No no no! I can’t swim.

Peckery: Come on now Captain. Just a little dip, we wont be letting you drown now.

(The first mate sneaks up behind her with a pale of water which he dumps on her.)

Capt. Amelia: (turning to face him) I could send you to the brig for that!

(She strips off her jacket to reveal a wet shirt that clings to her chest)

First Mate: (Gasps) A woman! The Captain is a woman!

Crickey: A woman? How can that be? There be no woman pirates.

Peckery: It be bad luck to have a woman on board.

(Calls of alarm go up from the men and the take up arms to surround her. They hold their cutlasses out prevent her from moving)

Capt. Amelia: I’ve always been a woman, except when I was girl, then I wasn’t a woman. I never tried to hide it from you.

Peckery: I thought you look rather womanly.

Crickey: Shhh! (Hits Peckery on the arm) We promised never to talk about that!

Capt. Amelia: But I never tried to hide my womanhood. I would have thought my name would have given it away.

First Mate: But Your name is Amelio, Captain Amelio the Murderous.

Capt. Amelia: Ameli-ah. I’m Captain Ameli-ah the Murderous.

First Mate: Well this changes things. I don’t be thinking the men would be liking to serve under a woman, sir.

Peckery: (gravely) Aye. It be bad luck to have a woman aboard. We all know that.

Crickey: We can’t be trustin’ a Cap’ain who be a liar.

Capt. Amelia: I never said I wasn’t a woman!

Sailor one: Let’s maroon the wench!

Sailor two: No! Let’s make ‘er walk the plank!

Peckery: Better yet. Let’s Keel Haul her!

Capt. Amelia: Now, now, gentlemen. Let’s not get carried away here. (rests a hand on the cutlass at her side)

Lookout: (shouts from above) There be merchant ships headed this way! It be the French.

Crickey: I be not liking the French.

Capt. Amelia: (in a booming voice) Unfurl the sails! Haul anchor! Make ready for battle!

(The men scattered to do their jobs forgetting for the moment their predicament in the excitement of the coming looting)

Act 1, Scene 3

(The men are sitting below deck feasting on freshly stolen food. There are riches surrounding them, waiting to be divvied up)

Capt. Amelia: That be some good plundering, men.

First Mate: Aye. That it be. It be a long time since I be hearing grown men screamin’ like little girlies. (looks ruefully over at the Captain) Er... I be meaning no offense, sir.

Capt. Amelia: (warmly) And I be taking none, First Mate.

Crickey: Ye may be a girlie but ye be the best pirate I be seeing in all me years.

Peckery: It still be bad luck to be havin’ a woman on board.

Crickey: Trollop! Since when be we having bad luck with Captain Amelia the Murderous leading us? If ye don’t be liking this arrangement then ye can leave.

Capt. Amelia: My dear Peckery, I’m sure we can find you an island all of your own. In fact I have one in mind. How would you like to join your former Captain, Flannigan the Treacherous?

Peckery: That an’ be okay, Cap’ain. I’d rather be stayin’ here with all the adventure. Even if ye be being a woman.

(Captain Amelia lets out a deep bellied laugh. The men join in soon after.)

First Mate: Speaking of Island, Don’t ye think it’s high time we be returning to our own little slice of paradise, Captain? The cargo hold be filled to the burstin’ with gold and the like. The ship would sink were we to take on any more.

Capt. Amelia: I do believe you have a point. In the morning we’ll lay in a course for The lady’s Booty first thing in the morn’.

Crickey: Why not set sail for the island now, Cap’ain? It’d be being faster that way.

Capt. Amelia: I don’t think you be wanting the First Mate to be at the helm in his condition. Besides there be booty that needs divvying up.

Act 2, Scene 1

(Captain Amelia sits in the middle of the booty divvying it up among herself and her men.)

Capt. Amelia: To my dear First Mate I give this beautifully gilded flask so that he may better hide his drinking while steering my ship.

First Mate: I thank ye Cap’ain. (ruefully) I didn’t think ye be noticing.

Capt. Amelia: It be hard not to notice that we are never where we should be when you take the helm any time after noon.

(the men around her erupt in laughter)

Capt. Amelia: Now, I give this wonderful set of skillfully made cooking utensils to the Cook in hopes that one day he may learn to cook. Let’s see what else we have here.

(A deck hand comes running in looking disheveled and out of breath.)

Deck hand: Captain! Captain! Pintry sent me. He be needing you to come to the brig real quick like.

Capt. Amelia: What does Pintry want now? The poor fool worries more than an old maid. Doesn’t he know we be busy. Off with you!

Deck hand: But Captain! He says it’s important. It’s about one of the prisoners. Your prisoner.

Capt. Amelia: My prisoner you say? Did Pintry tell you what the trouble was?

Deck hand: He be not telling me much, Sir. Just that the prisoner be going on about his brother in the Royal Navy.

Capt. Amelia: The French Navy? That be nothing to trouble our minds about.

Deck hand: No, Captain. The British Royal Navy.

Act 2, Scene 2

(Captain Amelia is down in the brig with Pintry. They talk in hushed voices in front of the cells where the prisoners, mostly young frightened women, are being kept. Nearby are two men who guard the prisoners.)

Capt. Amelia: How can the brother of a frenchman be in the British Royal Navy?

Pintry: He’s not being French, Cap’ain. He speaks like a through and through brit. High born too I’d wager.

Capt. Amelia: How do we know he’s not bluffing. He could be a right liar. Never trust a brit.

Pintry: Ain’t you a brit?

Capt. Amelia: Where I come from is of no concern. Besides, I’ve been a pirate far longer than I ever lived in England. Now, how did you come to know that this upstanding gentleman and horrible swordsman has an important brother in the Royal Navy?

Pintry: He right told me so. Was bragging about it, trying to scare me into letting himself go.

Capt. Amelia: Himself? And not the ladies? That’s not very gentleman like of him. (turns to the prisoner) Hey! You there! Tell us your name.

Aldric: My name is Aldric Bailey.

Capt. Amelia: And what, may I ask, was a brit doing on a French merchant’s ship?

Aldric: That is of no concern of yours.

Capt. Amelia: Oh but I think it is. You are mine now, dear Aldric, and I want to know everything about you and this brother of yours.

Aldric: I don’t take orders from a pirate and especially not from a woman.

Capt. Amelia: (laughs) That’s a big mistake. Pintry, take him to my cabin. I’ll be there soon to deal with him personaly.

Pintry: Aye, Cap’ain.