Here's a new series I'll never post: Joe's Advice Column! Every whenever-i-feel-like-it (Wifli?), I'll choose a topic and give people advice in a fun, story-like fashion.

Today's topic is dating.

Joining me for this advice column are the following people:
Joe (the advice giver. duh)
Auth (to do things to help Joe. weird)
LH and Susie (cause they're a couple. inseperable)
Hype (randomness. randomness)
Chris (the one who needs all the help. can't dance)
Ciara (the one who doesn't care. seriously. and she's one of my ex-girlfriends anyway)
Katie/Rhia (cause she'll kill me if I don't include her. also is my current girlfriend)
Kevin the Jock (from taol games 3. sex obsessed)
Ashley the Prep (from taol games 3 as well. also sex obsessed)
And random appearances by more people from my school, and a special guest appearance by all of my ex-girlfriends! I'm extremely scared! (cause i can. i really am scared)

Have fun with your advice. Done in the same style as TAoL Games, but without the different scenes. Yay.

---

Joe: Hello folks. Joe here. Today's topic is dating.
Hype: FUN!
Kevin: Get on with it!
LH: I rule!
Susie: Yeah, sure.
Ciara: Whoo!
Chris: Shut up, bitch!
Katie: Go to hell, Chris.
Chris: YOU go to hell!
Ciara: Both of you think of better insults!
Hype: ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!
Joe: Yeah. So what do you y'all need help on?
Kevin: When do I get to fuck her?
Ashley: Whenever you want!
Kevin: Awesome! Is there an empty room somewhere?
Joe: That's disgusting. Is there anything relevant that you want to learn about?
Chris: How about flirting?
Joe: Perfect topic for you, Chris.
Chris: Shut up, bitch!
Joe: Whatever. So flirting. Is it really that hard?
Chris: Yes. You seem to always catch me when I'm flirting with various hot chicks.
Joe: Cause it's obvious.
Katie: He said it was his pastime!
Joe: Katie, shut up.
Katie: No.
Ciara: Seriously, shut up, I'm trying to not listen to his advice.
Hype: Hell, I'm here to provide comic relief. I don't date!
LH: Can I talk now?
Joe: No. Now on with the flirting. It's simple, really.
Kevin: I know! Pickup lines always work!
Ashley: He got me with the "running through my mind" one.
Joe: Guys, get a room.
Kevin: There aren't any.
Joe: Auth...
Auth: Done.
Kevin: Sweet!
Susie: Hooray, they're gone!
Joe: Thank God. Now. The flirting. Will I ever get to talking about it?
-crickets chirp-
Joe: Judging from the silence, I guess I'll have to. Sigh.
Chris: GET ON WITH IT, I NEED TO LEARN THIS STUFF!
Ciara: Cause you're a loser who can't get a girlfriend?
Chris: NO!
Katie: It's quite obvious, Chris...
Hype: Stop fighting! Maybe we can learn something! You'll make Ted happy!
Katie: ...
Joe: Thank you. The easiest way to flirt without being caught is to just be exceptionally nice to your crush. People may notice something, so try to have more than one crush to throw them off.
Chris: That's horrible advice!
Joe: Better than your methods.
Chris: True.
Joe: Niceness is a good trait to have. Your partner will enjoy being treated with respect. Everyone wants to think they mean something in the world, so at least make your crush feel that way.
Katie: The only thing you're good for is poking.
Joe: Shut up. Anyway, yeah, be nice, it's good to start out with flirting.
Chris: Whattayamean start out, there's more?
Joe: Yeah. Relationships are complicated. They're not about making out.
Kevin: Did you guys say something about making out?
All: GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM!
Kevin: Sorry. Nerds.
Joe: Auth...
Auth: Done.
Kevin: YOU BASTARD!
LH: Nice one.
Auth: Yeah. Sure. Listen to Joe. Cause he's me. And I'm smrt.
Susie: Was that misspelled on purpose?
Auth: Yes.
Susie: K.
Joe: Next up, how long to flirt for. You don't wanna flirt for like a day then ask the person out. That's stupid. Flirt for a long period of time. I'd say 2 weeks minimum, 2 months maximum.
Chris: Focus on one girl for 2 months!?
Joe: Chris, can you shut up for once?
Chris: No.
Joe: Girls, slap him if he interrupts me again.
Ciara/Hype/Katie/Susie: GLADLY!
Joe: Ok. Flirting over a long period of time is more logical. I mean, like I said, you don't wanna say "Hi, you look nice, wanna go out with me" cause it's way too quick. Give them the feeling that you like them. Hopefully they'll realize it and they'll start to like you back, then the relationship will kick ass and such.
LH: This is coming from a guy who's had 6 girlfriends, none of which lasted over 2 months.
Joe: One in progress. So shut the hell up.
LH: Damn you.
Joe: Intensity of flirting? That sound any good?
Chris: I guess.
Ciara: Can I slap him now!?
Chris: No. I have to interrupt. I was answering.
Joe: No one likes a smartass, Chris.
Girls: SLAP!
Chris: Ha! It doesn't affect me anymore!
Girls: Auth...
Auth: Done.
Chris: DEAR GOD THE BURNING PAIN!!!!
Joe: Perfect. Now on to intensity. Keep it light. Don't go up to your crush and say something like "Holy shit, you're the hottest person on the planet," cause that'll get them to think you're a whore/stereotypical sex-crazed guy. Which I hope you're not either of those.
Susie: Especially if you're a girl and you're a stereotypical sex-crazed guy.
Joe: Sure. So keep it light. Start off by being nice and friendly. Compliments other than "Damn, you fine!" you know? Something like "You're looking nice today" is acceptable in the earlier stages. Hugs are great in the later stages. No kissing until you date. Some religious dude will kill you. I think.
Ciara: Scary.
Katie: Yes.
Hype: Religion is weird!
Joe: That's all I can offer on flirting. Now what do you guys want?
Chris: How about...
Joe: You just losered yourself. It's someone else's turn.
Kevin: Can we get to the fucking already?
Joe: Shut yo' ass up and get back in the room.
Hype: I hate to offer a suggestion, but how would you ask someone out?
Chris: Even I know that!
Joe: No you don't. Even if you do, you can't share your opinions. Get your own Fictionpress story.
Chris: Argh.
Joe: Now I've been told to start a casual conversation, but it's kinda weird to do that to me. I mean, you don't wanna talk about stuff, then ask someone out. Or do you? I don't know. You don't have to take my advice.
Chris: It's your series. We have to.
Joe: Girls...
Girls: SLAP!
Joe: Better. Now what I usually do is act extremely shy.
Katie: That's my advice!
Joe: Which I've been taking before I knew you, so whatever. Just act shy. Just walk up to them, say hi. Wait a few seconds, then ask the person out, but pause often, and use "um" a couple times. Something like "Do you... uh... wanna... go out with me?" works fine, in my opinion. If they offer to give you a response later, don't stalk them until they do. It won't help your chances. Wait until they come up to you and tell you.
Ciara: K.
Hype: I'm still not listening.
Katie: I don't have to. This is all my advice.
Chris: Katie, shut up.
Katie: Slap.
LH: Stop fighting, random people!
Random People: BUT WE'RE NOT FIGHTING!!!
LH: Not you...
Joe: All of you shut up. That's pretty simple advice. Shyness and niceness count. No raping.
Chris: Damn!
Girls: SLAP!
Joe: Thank you.
LH: If all else fails, wear a nice hat.
Joe: Eh?
Auth: Sorry, I just bought a new hat. Isn't it sexy, ghost people in my room?
Ghost People: No.
Auth: Thank you.
Joe: Anyway... so now what?
Chris: Can I loser myself again and ask for something else?
Joe: Why not. Always fun to make fun of you.
Chris: While dating, when's the right time to do certain things?
Joe: Such as...
Chris: Hugging, kissing, making out, breaking up...
Joe: ...I'll cover the first three. The last one's obvious.
Chris: You're probably right.
Joe: So yeah. Chris actually brought up a decent argument. When is the right time to start the advances?
Kevin: We're already fucking and it's our first day together!
Joe: In the jock/prep world, things are different.
Kevin: And much more fucking is involved.
Joe: Auth...
Auth: Done.
Kevin: Wtf happened to Ashley?
Ashley: Get the fuck away from me.
Kevin: You'll pay for this, Joe!
Susie: Making her a goth? What'll that change?
Joe: You won't have to worry about a couple of jerkasses making out in a room. And she'll probably hit on me or Auth.
Auth: I have a cooler hat.
Joe: Shut up.
Hype: Enough with the hats and making out! Just talk so we can get back to not listening!
Joe: Right. So the perfect time to hug, as I was saying, is any time you want. I mean, hugs can signify friendship, so use them whenever you can. Kissing should come after a week or so. Best time is when you're alone. Aloneness is more romantic. Just walk up and kiss. Easier than Paris Hilton.
Paris: THAT'S OFFENSIVE!
Kevin: Wanna have sex?
Paris: Gladly!
Hype: I did NOT need to hear that.
Ciara: Joe, you're disgusting.
Auth: I'm making fun of jocks. And Paris Hilton.
Katie: But it's disgusting!
Chris: Like your face.
Girls: SLAP!
Joe: Better. Anyway...
Alex: Hi everyone!
Chris: -gasp- It's Alex!
Joe: Oh. Hi Alex.
Alex: What's everyone doing here?
Auth: They're debating on my sexy hat.
Alex: That is not a sexy hat.
Katie: That's what we said! But he's a hat-o-phile!
Alex: Ew.
Joe: So why are you here?
Alex: I just wanted a cameo.
Chris: Fantastic. Can you help Joe give dating advice?
Alex: I would, but my girlfriend's waiting.
Chris: Oh yeah, you have a girlfriend. Well, go you.
Alex: Bye everyone.
Joe: ...Randomness. Oh well, people need random cameos.
Chris: Ah hell yeah.
Joe: Whoo. Anyone else want random cameos.
-someone outside says "YOU SUCK!"-
Joe: Well, I'd pull out a gun and shoot him, but it'll give the kids a bad message.
-do drugs-
Joe: God damnit, Auth.
Auth: THE HAT IS COMMANDING ME TO DO IT.
Joe: Take it off. Jeez.
Auth: I CAN'T! IT'S STUCK TO MY HEAD!!!
Joe: ...Auth, you scare me.
Auth: Yeah I know.
Joe: So now what?
Chris: The making out part.
Joe: Ah, right. I'd say a month. But hell, I don't make out with my girlfriends. Just don't ask permission. It's stupid.
Chris: And it doesn't work.
Girls: SLAP!
Joe: Nice work.
Girls: Thanks.
Joe: So, next question. Anyone?
Joe's Ex-Girlfriends (excluding Ciara): We have one.
Joe: OH DEAR GOD!!!
Joe's Exes (minus Ciara): How should you treat your exes?
Joe: As friends?
Joe's Exes (eh): Oh. Okay. Just call Hailee once in a while.
Joe: Fine... Get out of here before I shoot you all. Even if it gives the kids a bad message.
-pie is good for you-
Joe: Shut up, Auth.
Auth: Sorry.
Joe: Can you get rid of my exes?
Auth: Yup. Done.
Joe: Yay. But seriously. They bring up a good point. After you break up, you should treat your exes with respect. I only hate one of my exes.
Ciara: Me?
Joe: No.
Ciara: Good, cause I'll kick your ass if you hate me.
Joe: I know...
Chris: Get to the good part!
Joe: The what?
Chris: Good part. Like the... stuff.
Joe: Chris, you're a loser.
Chris: I know, but seriously. This is all boring.
Joe: Yeah. Well get out of here. No one likes you.
Chris: EVERY GIRL DOES!
Girls: SLAP TIMES TWO!
Chris: Fine. I'll leave. Bitches.
Joe: Auth...
Auth: Done.
Chris: HOW DARE YOU MOCK MY HEIGHT!!!
Joe: Huh? We're not mocking it. We just made you really small.
Chris: That's mocking it.
Joe: It's funny though. Now get out before I get Auth to ruin your social career for good.
Auth: I don't have to.
Joe: Oh yeah.
-awkward silence-
Joe: So I guess that's it?
Katie: It was too short.
Joe: No it wasn't. I'm gettng tired of typing.
Auth: Uh... I'm typing.
Joe: Er, talking. Yeah.
Auth: I think we should pick another topic and discuss.
Joe: You're crazy.
Auth: I'm you.
Joe: Damn you and your me-ness!
Auth: Me-ness?
Joe: Whatever. So what's the next topic?
Hype: How much Chris sucks?
Auth: How long do you want this to be?
Hype: Not that long.
Auth: Then let's not choose that one.
LH: Why do you guys make fun of this "Chris" character?
Joe: Remember TAoL Games 3?
LH: Oooh, was he the guy who couldn't dance?
Joe: Yup.
LH: He sucks.
Joe: Yeah.
LH: So now what do we talk about?
Joe: I don't know.
Auth: Music!
Joe: Nah, we already tried that, remember?
(flashback!)
LH: So now what do we talk about?
Auth: Music!
Joe: I LOVE LINKIN PARK!!!
Auth: ...
Joe: Shut up.
(back to real time)
Auth: Oh right. Eww.
Joe: Shut up. So is there anything to talk about that MIGHT be relevant to some sort of sitation?
Auth: Like how much Chris is a loser?
Joe: We just talked about that. Don't make me pull out another flashback.
Auth: OH DEAR GOD, NOT THE FLASHBACK!!!
Joe: You asked for it.
(flashback!)
Auth: They're debating on my sexy hat.
Alex: That is not a sexy hat.
(real life)
Auth: DEAR GOD NO!!!!
Joe: I win. Muahaha.
Hype: So are we talking abou flashbacks, or are we all just gonna explode and not really give a care?
Joe: I choose the latter.
(Everyone exploded, and no one really gave a care. And all was good in the end.)
(speaking of the end, this IS the end)
(BLOOPERS!)
LH: If all else fails, wear a nice hat.
Joe: Eh?
Auth: Sorry, I just bought a new hat. Isn't it sexy, ghost people in my room?
Ghost People: I FEEL SO ATTRACTED TO YOU!!!!
Auth: No.
(next)
Girls: SLAP!
Chris: Ha! It doesn't affect me anymore!
Girls: Auth...
Auth: Done.
Chris: ...What was that supposed to do?
LH: OH JESUS CHRIST IT HURTS!!!!
Auth: Shit.
(next)
Chris: GET ON WITH IT, I NEED TO LEARN THIS STUFF!
Ciara: Cause you're a loser who can't get a girlfriend?
Chris: YES!
Ciara: ...
Chris: Son of a...
(next)
Joe: If this is unscripted, why do we have bloopers?
Auth: Comic relief.
Joe: Oh.
(next)
Joe: Fine... Get out of here before I shoot you all. Even if it gives the kids a bad message.
-smoking is good-
Joe: ...Wtf, Auth.
Auth: God damnit.
(last one, I promise)
Joe: Ah, right. I'd say a month. But hell, I don't make out with my girlfriends. Just don't ask permission. It's stupid.
Katie: What about me?
Joe: ...Oh yeah...
Chris: You weren't his girlfriend when what's-his-Auth was writing this!
Katie: Too bad.
Auth: How'd you know my full name!?
(yes I'm bored. this is truly the end)
(and i love Katie)

---

How's that? Bad, huh? Well, if you don't like it, I won't continue it. It'll be an ongoing disaster! Yay!

And if you're one-a those "HEY! I THINK LH SHOULD WRITE SOMETHING SERIOUS!" kinda people, then go you.

"Cause you're a loser who can't get a girlfriend?" "YES!"

-LH