This was written as a joint tale by my friend Ben (dreamers-in-the-dark). He wrote some, then I wrote some, then he wrote some... if you're alert enough, you might even be able to tell the difference between the two writing styles. It's based loosely on people I know, although they aren't really like their characters... Originally written for me and my friends, it might not make much sense, but give me some feedback all the same. Oh, and since it was written all on one document, I couldn't be bothered to split up the chapters. I'm sure you don't mind. Thanks, ciao!

THE CHEESEMAN CHRONICLES (Version 2)

Chapter 1

Elder vampiric lore tells of a vampire hunter unlike any other. In a world where people live… AND die… he roamed the streets… eating only cheese and drinking… only cheese-based drinks. In the shadows he lurked, waiting, forever waiting for his Ex-lover. The year is 2088, in what was once the thriving metropolis of northern America called New York. The area is now razed to the ground as a result of too many wars between the human factions and, although thought to be deserted by what little human authorities still govern the USA, it is inhabited – quite densely – by a whole vampire society… and an elite hunting society called the society of Leopold, which is only a fraction of the size it once was.

The society is small, but mighty. It has the best hunters from around the world, and was once the home to Him, but He was accounted for as dead many years ago. He isn’t, of course, and rumours told it. He is a renegade hunter now, and still the best there ever was. This is where we pick up the chronicles, and I hope you enjoy them… for the chronicles of Cheeseman are the best damn chronicles you’ll ever read… (Yeah, I’m betting you don’t read The Chronicles of Hand-bag brain, because they are – quite frankly, much better…)

Our story starts on a dark, cold night – that’s where all the best stories start, usually with a moon. But there was no moon that night, for reasons unknown to everyone except the great sage Joshua who lived in a remote island on the equator and studied the mathematics of the moon.

A fair maiden walks the streets alone. To the untrained eye, she would appear a normal citizen, tall, blonde, inarguably attractive and a complete outsider to the society of Leopold. In fact, her name was Steff, and she was one of the Leopold’s highest ranking hunters. Although it seemed she could not possibly handle herself in a… tussle with a vampire, she would surely come out on top. No one knew what sort of rigorous training she had been put through; it was all shrouded deep in the mysteries of the society of Leopold. Her ditzy blonde looks made her seem like an easy target – but the two vampires following silently behind knew better.

These two vampires were legends among legends. They were rarely seen, but stories and rumours of their carnage spread throughout NY… and most of the world. It was said that their names were Rosalind and Benjamin, but in a world where Chinese whispers was the way information was spread, even this was not for sure. All that was known about them was their cruelty, their intensity and their pure, immortal beauty.

But what significance does this Blonde fraülein Steff have to our plot? She was the lover of The Almighty Hunter Cheeseman. They were partners in both life and work, and made a fierce team. Unlike him, however, she still worked in the society… forever waiting for the day her little cheesykins would return to her. She knew he still lurked in the shadows of the city, masquerading as a vampire, infiltrating and then massacring entire gangs of Kindred, but something inside her told her that she shouldn’t search for her beloved, something inside her head – behind the numerous personalities but just in front of her humongous ego – told her that he was quietly searching for her; searching inside his very being for the answer. She knew that he was, or someday would be, searching for her. She knew it.

The two vampires, clad in jet-black garb, picked up the pace. These were vampires of the Esmertu bloodline, and thus they possessed incredible mental skills, one of which being the ability to communicate via thoughts.

This is it, Rosalind, we have her now!, thought Benjamin to his partner excitedly, but not so much that he let it show as a facial expression.

Don’t get over zealous, Benjamin, we both know well – and I of course first hand – what a little bitch this one can be! I remember well when was fighting her once, and she picked up a hockey stick from nowhere and knocked me cold out with it.

I know, I know. But we need her. We need this neonate human as bait; surely The Cheesemeister will come to us when he knows that his precious Steff is in mortal danger.

Yes, Benjamin, that is the plan. I don’t know why you have to repeat it as if informing someone outside ourselves who doesn’t know our plan. It’s not like this is the cliché introductory paragraph to some story that dives straight into the action with the reader not knowing anything and then thus having to find out by one of the characters telling the other character. Sheesh. They picked up the pace further, making mysteriously little noise and moving in a way that, if observed from behind, could been mistaken for floating. On either side of them the blue-black walls of anonymous houses, shops and apartments towered above like really high walls of anonymous houses, shops and apartments. The moon had finally appeared, as Joshua had predicted to himself. The duo were within 7 metres of their well-postured prey, preparing to pounce.

Chapter 2

The Cheeseman sat alone in his small underground cave. There were plenty of above-ground caves that he could have taken as his own, and large ones at that, but cheese kept better in cool, small places and so the cave was his favourite place at the moment. Soon he would be forced to move on, but until then, he would remain in his small underground cave where no one could find him. ‘A renegade hunter’ would suggest to some that he spent all day listening to various authorities’ radios or hacking into complex files on all the vampires in the city. Not the Cheeseman. There was only one thing the Cheeseman needed to find himself a vampire to hunt. His nose. Just as mice have remarkable noses to sniff out the cheese, the Cheeseman had remarkable senses to sniff out the vampires. Of course, he couldn’t find his beloved Steff that way because she wasn’t a vampire. It was often difficult for him to keep on contact with Steff due to the strict rules of the society of Leopold (which involved no smoking, no drugs, and a vegan diet over the month of Ramataz – one of the reasons why the Cheeseman had deserted the society – he couldn’t be expected not to eat cheese for a whole month!).

For Steff and the Cheeseman, work often came before relationships. The might never speak for a whole year, yet they would somehow find each other again and it was as if nothing had changed.

Suddenly the Cheeseman leapt from his seat as if a great spike had protruded from it. What had actually happened was that a small mouse had found its way into his cheese larder. The Cheeseman’s eyes widened in fury, his veins popping from his temples and his gigantic fists clenching violently. With a terrifying roar he beat the mouse into a coma with his balaclava.

The balaclava was a remarkable object, woven especially for him by the notorious seamstress Gemma Watson. It took three years to make, because Gemma had to wait for special imports of thread from China. Only Gemma could tell us what was in these threads and what made them so special. The problem was, once the Cheeseman finally received it and tried it on, he realised it looked unbelievably stupid and therefore never wore it again. (Don’t tell Gemma this though, as far as she knows the balaclava is used for far more heroic things than comatising mice!) Incidentally, Gemma is also the hockey stick provider for the hockey stick division of the society of Leopold, but that is irrelevant.

Once the mouse was successfully comatose, the Cheeseman placed it outside, checking first with his powerfully sensitive nose to make sure no vampires were around.

He then went back to his cheese, and thought of Steff for a few hours before drifting off to sleep where his dream consisted of a Steff dressed in Rikku’s outfit from Final Fantasy X-2 (a game made many years before when New York was still a metropolis), a gigantic comatose mouse, two dead vampires, and lots and lots of cheese.

Chapter 3

Come on Vampires, just a little further Steff the Formidable told herself under the glistening moonlight, her golden locks incandescently shining. The alley was straight for a long stretch, but Steff wasn’t preparing to walk the whole stretch. She knew who she was being followed by, but not why. It was, however, perfect timing for their pursuit, for she had contacted the society and set up an ambush location. Damnit, where the hell is this side passage… she spotted it. She was almost trotting now, as she scooted round a sharp bend into a pitch black side entrance to something indiscernible from the alley. Behind her she saw the two stalkers descend into the abysmal darkness after her, still around 7 metres away. The dark passage was an entrance hall to a large, open-plan building, the furnishings of which were just visible thanks to the sliver of light tricking in through a ceiling-window. She stood in the center of the room and watched the two figures walk though the door from whence she had just walked. But, instead of two conspicuous outlines, there was just one… that of Rosalind.

“Hello, Steff. How nice of you to lead us into a perfect vantage point for our little escapade,” Cited Rosalind in her seductive, near-whisper of a voice. “Oh no, thank you for walking into my like vantage point for our little escapade” she replied, a cocky tone to her voice.

“Oh? How so? You’re cornered, and outnumbered. Not even your magical stick of hockey can save you now, jockey!”

“Jockey? What do you mean by that, Devil?”

“I… don’t know. It just rhymed with hockey…. I was just trying to do the evil speech thing.” She admitted childishly, her head bowed.

“Well anyway… you’re wrong. Well okay, half wrong. I am cornered, but not outnumbered. Half the society is in this building and you just walked into our trap! Get ‘Em guys!” Steff shouted the last phrase as if something spectacular was supposed to happen following the sentence’s conclusion, but nothing did. “Uh, guys?” the lights flicked on and a cloaked figure appeared behind Rosalind. It was Benjamin.

Both vampires and Steff could now be seen clearly. Rosalind, the more slender and shorter of the two daemons, had long, silky, mouse-brown hair that cascaded down her beautifully formed body and reached the small of her back. Her face was unhealthily pale – as with all Childer of Caine – but very beautiful none the less. Her eyes were joyous, but instinctively evil and dark. Her lips were perfectly formed, but ready to reform themselves perfectly around the neck of a victim and drink him dry. She wore a long black leather trench coat which scraped the floor, consequently tattered round the bottom. It was open, and underneath tight leather trousers could be seen, accompanied by a black lace up top, flaunting her cleavage and crimson brassier.

Benjamin was taller, had a slightly bulkier physique but was similarly dressed. His coat, however, was done up. His hair was as wild and dark as his heart. His lips were blood-red and his skin characteristically pale. His eyes were electric blue, and outlined in black. His face was much more serious compared to Rosalind’s, but still retained an evil look.

Steff was dressed entirely different than the other two. She wore nothing but a bowtie, some pink fluffy slippers, some female boxer-shorts and some black duct tape around her breasts. Apparently this was how she felt comfortable. Weirdo.

“Nope, afraid not. No-one but we three in this here building. You’re coming with us, Hunter.” Benjamin announced. “This is where it ends” and with that Benjamin lunged at Steff with his long, double edged Katana. Along the blue-silver blade were the words, “Giveth Me Thy Blood”. Steff was obviously shocked by the revelations, but not so much that she couldn’t whip out her hockey stick in time to parry off Benjamin’s sword attack. Benjamin recoiled back, but was not put off balance. He started to circle the Hunter. Steff held her hockey stick in two hands, the stick vertical and directly in front of her face. Benjamin was stood legs wide apart with the sword held in one hand over his head horizontal to the floor and his left arm out in front, which he though made him look cool. It really didn’t. They continued to circle. Rosalind was nowhere to be seen.

“Killing me won’t change anything, vampire. There are many more hockey-stick wielding Hunters like me, and they’ll kill you so hard that you might even die twice.” Proclaimed Steff confidently, not a drop of sweat on her brow. They continued circling.

“Killing you? Why my dear goldy-locks, your preconceptions amuse me. We’re not going to kill you; we could have done that ages ago. We’re just going to take you captive for a while.”

“But why?” asked Steff.

“Well we want Cheeseman and you’re going to be out bait” explained Benjamin casually.

Steff asked rhetorically, “Are you so stupid? What in the Mary-Poppins is wrong with you! You’re not supposed to tell your hostage your plans! Have you never seen a hostage film? God!”

“Um, well we vampires don’t watch much TV, well, except Buffy the vampire slayer and Angel of course. Did I do something wrong?” Steff sighed, stopped circling and laid her Stick on the concrete floor beside her. “Okay, the hostage-takers always explain to their hostage their plans because they think the hostage will never tell anyone. The hostage always escapes and tells someone the plans, which are then thwarted by the person the plans are told to. Hostages always win. How stupid are Y-“ Steff was cut off mid sentence as Rosalind smashed her over the head with the hockey-stick Steff had placed on the floor while explaining movie clichés to Benjamin. Steff fell to the floor, her head hitting the concrete floor with a low thud. Benjamin shot a questioning look at Rosalind.

“What? The whiny bitch annoys me.” She explained with a sincere look on her angelic face.

“Well I was actually learning something! Couldn’t you have waited until she finished explaining it to me?”

“No, now shut up and help pick up her body. We’re taking her back to the lair.” Ben looked sullen and mooched over to the unconscious Steff.

“Do you reckon that duct tape-“

“No.”

“Ok”.

“Guys? Think Steff has the wrong conveniently placed abandoned warehouse?” asked a young male Hunter.

“Nah. Give her a few more minutes” replied another.

Chapter 4

“So, my fellow Vampire, you want to be part of our organisation?” asked the elderly vampire at the head of the long oak table. There were other vampires, all similarly dressed in black, along the side of the table and all were looking at another figure at the opposite end.

“That is what I truly want, sir. What I truly want. I think –“before he could finish his sentence, the door of the conference room was opened and a young female vampire entered. She regarded the obviously important vampire at the head of the table.

“What is the meaning of this preposterous intrusion?” barked the head vampire, turning his chair to face the fear stricken girl. She gave a quick bow and started, “Sir, I’m sorry, but this has been labelled imperative information. Can I have a word?”

“You can say in front of my brethren what must say to me” The vampire stated to the girl as if she should already know.

“Well, the prince just informed us via email that the infamous and incredibly sexy rouge vampire duo Benjamin and Rosalind just abducted a Leopold hunter called Steff and for some reason are telling lots of people about it but not demanding a ransom” she stated, gasping for breath at the end of the sentence. The vampire looked bemused. He asked, “What in the Mary-Poppins would the infamous and incredibly sexy rouge vampire duo Benjamin and Rosalind want with Steff of Leopold?”

Cheeseman, masquerading as a vampire to infiltrate a large vampiric syndicate, silently slipped out of the door as the conversation continued. He found himself in the computer room of the syndicate building. He logged onto the main server.

Email… email… ah, there’s the badger, he thought to himself. He logged into the email server and searched for the hostage notification.

Amazon confirmation… groin enlargement… free cheese ! cool!, Cheeseman thought to himself. No, I must stay focused… cheese can wait… ah, here we go. The email read:

Dear Vampire syndicate,

It has come to my tentative attention that the infamous and incredibly sexy rouge vampire duo Benjamin and Rosalind have kidnapped Steff of the society of Leopold. They have disclosed that they are holding her at the following location:

34, hostage heaven house, kidnap road, Abduction Street. We don’t know why this information has been disclosed, but we definitely don’t suspect that they are attempting to lure Cheeseman into their lair so they can suck his blood and gain his super cheesy powers.

Yours sincerely,

The Prince…

Cheeseman wasted no time in logging off the computer. Surprisingly the other door in that room leads to the outside street, which, again surprisingly, leads to Abduction Street. Convenient…

Chapter 5

The infamous and incredibly sexy rogue vampire due minus one sat at the control desk watching the screen on which the hostage was tied to the chair in the middle of an empty room. The hostage, or Steff, as we have been calling her for the last three chapters, was tied to the chair with cable ties (Benjamin had been keen on experimenting with yet more duct tape but his partner had put her foot down) because Rosalind was the only person who knew how to untie them. Except for their creator, Thompson, who was long since dead.

But back to the half-a-duo watching the screens. (Notice that as yet you don’t know which one it is, but I’m sure you will guess by the next sentence anyway). Sitting at the ‘control desk’ made him feel important and therefore he revelled in this authority with something that cannot be described as anything other than smugness.

Whenever he got bored – which was roughly every two minutes – he would lean towards the microphone and recite some hollow threats in what he hoped was a malicious, evil-genius sort of tone.

He was in the middle of stating, “You’ll never get out alive. Don’t try to move, it will only make things worse,” when Rosalind made her entrance.

She was pissed off. This was evident in the way she stormed into the room and threw her gun on the floor.

“Something wrong?” Benjamin asked, twizzling his twizzly-chair around to face her.

Rosalind gave him a look of utter denigration. “No.” She snarled, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “No, those complete ignorami outside have put me in a fantastic mood.”

“Ignoramuses,” Benjamin said automatically.

“What?” she snapped.

“Ignoramuses,” he repeated. “You don’t say ignorami.”

Rosalind threw her leather glove at him in frustration. “Shut up Benjamin!” She turned round and slammed her fist into the door.

Benjamin winced as she did so. The door suffered enormously from Rosalind’s temper tantrums and there were more dents in it than were craters on the moon.

As he spent the next half an hour calming her down, he gathered from frustrated phrases or comments that there were a group of low-life, uneducated vampires outside acting like the myth known as ‘The Press’. Benjamin himself had never encountered ‘The Press’, and visualised this terrible beast as something even he would run from. These low status vampires were mostly idiots, kept alive by strength in numbers which both Benjamin and Rosalind thought of as something to sneer upon.

Rosalind was appalled at how clueless they were, even worse than Benjamin, wanting to know why they had kidnapped a hunter of Leopold and asking all sorts of stupid questions which, if they were even the slightest bit sharp-witted they would know the answer to anyway.

After Benjamin had managed to cool her fury (we won’t go into how), they turned back to the monitor where they both realised there was someone else in the room.

They glared at the screen first with shock in their eyes, then with complete euphoria. Standing next to the unconscious captor, trying to untie her from her chair was no one less than the Cheesemeister. There was a minute silence as both Benjamin and Rosalind watch in amazement at what methods the hunter employed in a futile attempt to untie his beloved Jockey. They watched him bite it, tug it, assail it with his notorious black balaclava, lick it, kick it, hit it, stamp on it and curse at it. Obviously nothing worked.

“He’s here! That stupid lump of Wensleydale, he actually fell for our simple plan!” Benjamin stated in a tone that reflected his current blissful disposition. “Come, Rosalind, lets go feed!” whispered Benjamin excitedly. Rosalind turned her head eerily towards Ben, a smile on her face, and nodded slowly.

“I wish you wouldn’t do that, it gives me the heebeegeebee’s.” stated Benjamin scared.

“Okay, but can I still do this?” Rosalind pulled off her head, bounced it around the floor like a basket ball and slam-dunked it into a conveniently placed basketball hoop on the wall.

Benjamin, regarding the head on the floor replied, “Of course, that’s just cool. Rosalind recapitated herself and followed Benjamin out of the room and into the interrogation room.

The room was big. It had sullen brown walls with a pungent smell of tepid water emanating from then. The room was devoid of furnishing save the Dr Pepper drinks machine in the corner. The infamous and incredibly sexy rogue vampire due decided they would have that vending machine because, well, They thought, what’s the worst that can happen?.

“Cheeseman, we have you, you know” stated Benjamin maliciously. He didn’t answer.

“I say, how rude,” said Rosalind, genuinely disgusted. Cheeseman looked up from untying his woman. “Oh, sorry guys. I’m a little busy. Be with you in one moment.

“Oh, okay then,” answered the infamous and incredibly sexy rogue vampire due in synchronisation contently. They waited for two minutes as Cheeseman helplessly attempt to unbind Steff.

Benjamin said, “Sod it,” drew his sword in mid run and lunged at Cheeseman. Rosalind casually strolled over to Steff, still unconscious.

“You can’t beat me Cheeseman, you’re old and crappy and desolate and redundant. Give in, and we won’t hurt Steff as much as we’re going to”

“Never!” Cheeseman replied, and with that, Cheeseman charged at Benjamin with his balaclava.

Meanwhile, about 5 metres away from the testosterone –fuelled turmoil, Rosalind approached the inert Steff. She put her legs around her ditzy waist and straddled her.

“Come on Steffy-Weffy, Rosalind wants to play” she whispered in her ear. Silence. “Wake up ya darft Bitch or I’ll kill ya horse” she screamed in an attempt to wake Steff up.

Immediately, and quite possible before Rosalind could finish the sentence. “My Horse? Where? Don’t hurt it, you evil cow!”

Rosalind smiled. “That’s better” she said, unstraddling herself from the horror-stricken Steff.

Ben called over to Rosalind, “Uhh, Roz darling? Some HELP HERE!!?!?”

Rosalind sighed and gave Steff an all-knowing, eye-rolling, girl-to-girl look. “Men…” Then she was at Benjamin’s side in an instant, breaking up the boys with a single deathly look. After a few seconds of glaring at the Cheeseman, she looked at Benjamin with a smile, slowly kissed him, and then the pair both turned their heads maliciously towards their intruder.

The Cheeseman was not afraid. He stood firm, determined not to surrender to this pair of… of… insignificant devils! He repeated these last two words aloud and Rosalind frowned.

“What the hell are you going on about cheddars?”

The Cheeseman coughed pompously. “Nothing. I’m here to kill you hellspawn!”

Benjamin laughed – a cruel, mocking laugh that failed to make the Cheeseman cower in any way. This rather spoilt the effect he was looking for and he turned to Rosalind for backup.

He’s not getting scared Roz!

We don’t need to make him scared yet!

While the vampires were conversing through complex thought patterns, the Cheeseman was slowly inching towards the door back into the control room (the one with the desk that the duo had been in previously). He had a theory that maybe the solution to the mysterious problem of how to untie the cable ties would be hidden somewhere in that room.

Before he could get to the door however, Benjamin was standing in his way. The vampire was taller than the hunter, but still the Cheeseman was not a feared. Just as things were starting to look bleak for our hero, he produced, from inside his coat, a lump of…. Garlic.

Rosalind’s eyes widened and she made an almighty leap across the room, over Steff’s head and landed on Benjamin’s shoulder, pushing him to the floor before the Garlic could make contact with his skin. Then she sprung up, her eyes flashing at the Cheeseman but taking in the garlic at the same time. The Cheeseman waved the garlic threateningly at Rosalind and she took a tiny step backwards. This was all the Cheeseman needed, with a sudden burst of energy, he ran for the door and made it into the control room, locking the vampires in the room with Steff.

Benjamin got to his feet slowly.

Damn.

Rosalind turned to him slowly I’m sorry Benjamin… I tried…

The other vampire was so shocked at hearing his strikingly charismatic companion apologise that he was suitably moved. He won’t find anything in there though… will he?

Only in the basement under the floor – but to find that he needs to tap on all the tiles to find the hollow one, surely he can’t be that smart?

Benjamin shook his head and Rosalind was reassured enough to notice Steff watching them. She frowned. She’s annoying me. Can we do something?

Like what?

“I don’t know… Kill her?” She said the last part aloud and towards the camera in the corner.

I just realised something, Benjamin told her mentally with the air of a complete dunce who’s just discovered three plus three makes six all by himself. It was a bit stupid of the Cheeseman to leave us in here all on our own with his beloved Steff tied to a chair only inches away… maybe we can use it to our advantage…

Chapter 6

The Cheesemeister look frantically around the room. There must be something in here… Oh, some cheese! No, fight it Cheeseman, it’s a distraction… but it’s so beautiful… The Cheeseman mooched across the room in a bewitched manner; like an alcoholic reaching for the last bottle of gin. He dragged himself half way across the room, then stumbled over a can of baked beans. Okay, so you probably wouldn’t stumble if your feet brushed against a small tin can, but when you’re bewitched by your inner cheese lust, small things like that happen. And yes, it is a common occurrence for tin’s of beans to be on the floor of whatever room this is. Stop questioning our story, you don’t have to read it!

As I was saying, he stumbled and hit his head on the floor. The carpet was reasonably thick and absorbed his fall, but this was still enough to awaken him from his coma-like state. He stood up and brushed his hands first through his hair then over his face, consequently realising that he had a piece of paper stuck to his head. He ripped it off and, after waiting for the cheese-lust to ware off and his eyesight to return fully, read it to himself. It read,

“Note to self: to get to the secret cellar where we keep all of our secret stuff (like the thing that was made by Thompson to open magical cable ties) you have to find a hollow tile – which is the red one with the big arrow pointing to it – and tap it. Lots of love, Yourself… that’s Benjamin xxx”

Cheeseman was shocked that any one person – dead or not – could be that stupid. He laid this thought aside and walked over to the conspicuously marked tile. He knocked it. He fell though a trap door that was definitely not there before, and was in “the secret room”, which he thought was a little bland looking. He thought that they could have at least hired a decorator or something. He also thought it was surprising that there was but one table, with but one item on top of it in the whole room. He picked up the item, labelled, “thing for taking off magical cable ties”, and went up the ladder and back into the room. He looked round and the trap door had disappeared.

“Ah, the wanderer returns.” said a subtle voice in the room he was in. it was that of Rosalind, and he could see her looking at him on the CCTV screen, a sword in her hand. He tried the door, it was locked. “Oh don’t be silly, we’re not both stupid.” She glanced a look over at Benjamin, who was sitting on the floor attempting to do up his she laces. He was failing. She turned back to face the camera and gave it a look of despair.

“What are you doing, Devil?” asked Cheeseman desperately. Rosalind started to circle Steff. “I’m preparing a sacrifice.” She replied casually.

“What do you mean, you have no deity.”

“Oh, I’m not sacrificing. You are. Sacrificing this young Female. Well okay, that wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice, but we’re –“ she hazarded another glance at Benjamin, still following the same pursuit – “I’m”, she corrected herself, “going to kill Steff. So your little escapade for the item you hold in your hand was a little pointless.” She concluded.

Chapter 5

The future looks dark and bleak (rather like a maths lesson…) for our heroine, does it not? Rosalind the evil vampire and her partner – or sidekick, as might be more fitting – is only seconds away from taking the young beauty’s life from her. Our hero, the Cheeseman, is locked in the next door room thanks to his own recklessness and cannot do a thing to save her.

“WHY!” he wailed loudly, “WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL HER?? WHY HER????”

Rosalind laughed, and then snapped at Benjamin. “Get up you loser, we’re supposed to be being evil.”

He looked rather sheepish then miraculously managed to adopt the same air of immorality as Rosalind. He too laughed and strode over to Steff, who spat on him. Rosalind ignored this and continued speaking into the camera.

“We don’t really want to kill Steff. We want to kill you. Disposing of this… lump of ego with a girl attached to it,” she waved her arm dismissively at Steff, “is just the means to an end.”

“Then let her go! If you don’t really want to kill her-“

“Did I say that?” She asked herself with a vague smile. “Maybe. What I meant was – you’re the one we really want – but killing her will be ever so much fun. You don’t really think we’re gonna let her go do you? Sheesh, how many villains do you know that let their captives free?” She rolled her eyes and then noticed what Benjamin was doing. He was whispering in Steff’s ear, something that even Rosalind with her super senses could not make out. “Benjamin? Benj?” she tried to get his attention but failed and finally grabbed his collar and pulled him up.

Pay attention, I’m doing the evil revelation of the plan bit.

“I thought we did that earlier? When we captured Steff?”

Rosalind fought the urge to knock some sense into him and faced the camera once more. Just follow what I do. She added mentally.

The Cheeseman had not actually been watching this. He’d been back down in the cellar looking for something to unlock the door with. When he didn’t find anything, he tried pressing all the buttons on control desk. They created many different lighting effects in the room, his favourite being the disco effect with the UV light making Rosalind’s dandruff show up. While playing with these lights, he had a brainwave. He would make a lock pick out of cheese. The Cheeseman was the master at carving cheese and soon he had a key shaped lump of cheese that, with a bit of wiggling, he was sure would unlock the door.

Before he tried though, he tuned back into what Rosalind was saying. “We lured you here because you, the Cheeseman, are the son of the great vampire MacEdam. It is our belief that his powers of strength, magic and intelligence have been passed on to you. So…”

“We want to suck your blood,” Benjamin filled in simply, completely ruining the suspense that Rosalind had been aiming for. She didn’t seem to notice though, because she stalked across the room to Steff and stroked a hand through her long blonde hair.

“Why don’t we start by cutting this off?” she suggested with a smirk. “That might destroy some of the ego somehow…”

Steff twisted her head quickly and bit Rosalind’s hand.

“OW!” the vampire yelped, jumping back to Benjamin where she showed him her hand, outraged. “She bit me!”

Benjamin growled and slid his arms around his female companion’s waist. “Cheeseman! Watch and await your own fate!”

In the next moment three things happened. Benjamin leapt across the room at Steff, Steff jumped out of the chair and cart wheeled from it and the Cheeseman screamed at the screen.

“NOOOOOOO!!!”

Already in motion by the time Steff moved, Benjamin crashed into the chair and landed in a big heap on the floor. Steff assumed a ready-for-battle position with her fists raised in front of her.

“How did you-“ Rosalind began in shock.

Back in the control room, the Cheeseman was doing a dance for joy and whooping around like a lunatic.

Steff gave a cocky smile and blew a kiss to the camera, nearly making the Cheeseman faint on the other end.

“MacEdam had a child, yes that is true – but it is not the Cheeseman who is his offspring. No, the descendant of MacEdam is…” A drum roll appeared as if it was a corny film, but everyone soon realised it was the Cheeseman playing with the effects. “Me.” Finished Steff dramatically, and the two vampires gasped in shock.

“No…” breathed Rosalind. “It cannot be true!”

“Oh but it is,” replied Steff, and with a wave of her magic hockey stick, the door flew open and the Cheeseman entered, gathering up Steff in his arms. Then the pair of them performed some moves that a karate master would be in paradise with, leaving the vampires in a heap on the floor, Rosalind’s head rolling somewhere in the corner.

“Adios amigo!” shouted the Cheeseman, having no idea what it meant but just believing it sounded cool all the same.

As they walked out hand in hand, Steff could be heard saying, “Whoa. I’m gonna need some serious retail therapy to get over that… Kirsty!!!”

Rosalind retrieved her head from the corner and settled it back on. “Thwarted by the Cheeseman... and the daughter of MacEdam!” She growled in irritation, and Benjamin nursed his ankle in pain.

“Hey, Roz? Think that duct tape-“

“No”

“Ok.”

And so, my friends, we must come to the end of our tale. Steff and the Cheeseman once again came out on top and lived heavenly ever after. I’m sure the Cheeseman will have many other adventures, but as for the infamous and incredibly sexy rogue vampire duo Benjamin and Rosalind… well; let’s just say they will think twice before taking on the heir of MacEdam and her trusted lover, the Cheeseman.

We would also like to bring to your attention that we bear no responsibility for any likenesses that characters in this chronicle may bear to real people – similarities in personality, looks or name are entirely co-incidental and the work of Rosalind Smith and Benjamin Cameron’s remarkable imaginations, as is everything included in this tale. Anyone trying to pass this off as their own work will be unmercifully stabbed to death with a toothpick. (This will be a long and painful process owing to the size of the toothpick – so don’t risk it!)

Copyright – Benjamin C. and Rosalind S. ltd 2005