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Confessions
By: Anjirika
A/N- based on a dream I had last night.
Characters: Gwendolyn Hadley, Jason Irish and Sullivan Jakeway belong to me. Any resemblances to people living or dead are well not coincidental considering they are based on people in my dream.
“So?” Jason Irish asked, not really paying attention. “Everyone dreams Gwen.”
“Yes,” Gwen replied placing her box down. “But I dreamt about you.” She paused and looked at his face and was shocked to see a look of recognition pass across it. Startled, she realised what that meant. “You had one too?!” She asked, and she was stunned again when he nodded. “About me?” She asked again, and again Jason nodded.
“We talked about-” Jason began, pausing to find the right words.
“Things.” Gwen replied quickly not wanting to offer any information. She got back to work, but noticed out of the corner of her eye that Jason shook his head causing a piece of his red hair to fall into his eye.
“Emotions.” He replied.
“Yes.” Gwen whispered, getting drawn into the conversation. “And we-”
“Held hands.” Jason finished.
“Yes.” Gwen nodded, confirming that in her dream they had indeed held hands.
“And we-” Jason began.
“Walked along a sandy beach,”
“Under a setting sun,”
“And a rising moon.” Gwen finished.
They stared at each other for a moment. Her blue eyes staring into his brown ones, and then smiled a small, shy smile. Gwen’s heart was beating fast and her breath was shallow. She looked away suddenly, and got back to work, mentally chastising herself. Here she was telling one of her best friends about a romantic dream that she had had, and he had had, when she had a boyfriend.
‘A fiancé’ She corrected herself. Sully had proposed to her a month ago. She fingered the simple gold ring with its small diamond and sighed. No matter how much she wanted this conversation she knew that she couldn’t have it. ‘Besides,’ she told herself, ‘Jason doesn’t really feel anything for you. It is just a coincidence that we both dreamt the same thing, about each other.’
“The moon was full.” Jason offered, taking a step closer to Gwen.
“Yes.” She smiled and nodded, her heart remembering the wonderful dream and her mind telling her that she had to stop this conversation now.
“And we-”
“I know.” She said quickly pushing away the image of the two of them kissing. “But it was just a dream, and I know you don’t really-” She turned to face Jason and saw an emotion displayed on it that she never thought that she would ever see. “You do.” She breathed in shock; her blue eyes open wide.
“Yes,” He nodded. “I do.”
“Why have you never told me?” Gwen asked, pushing a strand of blonde hair out of her eyes and stepping towards Jason. “Why didn’t you tell me before-?”
“I-” Jason began, not really sure on what he was going to say.
“I have a fiancé now.” Gwen argued. “How can I leave him?” She stared Jason down. “I love him. I can have a happy life with him. How can I-?” She stopped her train of thought ceasing. “I could never hurt- I can’t take a risk like that I-”
“Are you in love with him?” Jason asked out of the blue, shocking both him and Gwen too.
“What?” Gwen asked, not sure if she heard the question correctly.
“You love him.” Jason explained. “You said so yourself. But are you in love with him?”
“I-” Gwen began, “I-ER-well” Gwen cast her eyes to the floor and shook her head, and whispered, “No.”
“Are you in love with me?”
Gwen froze for a moment and then turned away. A tear fell down her face. ‘This isn’t the way it’s supposed to go’ She though angrily to herself. ‘It’s not supposed to go like this. Not now, not here. It’s all wrong.’
“Well?” Jason asked his voice soft, but piercing her thoughts. “Are you?
The moment of truth was upon her. Did she take a risk or play it safe? Should she tell him how she really felt or lie and regret it. Two sides of Gwen raged a brief war inside her heart and mind, and it quickly came to a stalemate because she had no idea what she should do.
“I-” She began not really sure on what she was going to say. Her back was still turned, and inside she was shaking.
“Yes?” Jason asked with a mixture of love and hope and anticipation and dread in his voice.”
“I-” Gwen slowly said, “I love you as a fr-”
“That’s not what I asked!” Jason exploded. “Are you or are you not in love with me?” Gwen was so shocked at his outburst that she didn’t dare say anything. Her shoulders hunched, and beneath her shock was a yearning to tell him everything. But the yearning was held behind gate that she would not open, and that could not be opened. “Answer me!” Jason shouted, his voice almost pleading, and the pleading caused the gate to open.
“Yes!” She cried turning to face him. “Yes I am. I am in love with you. But what does it matter?” Gwen admitted, and asked with tears in her eyes. “You don’t really care for me like I care for you! I’ve loved you for nearly 10 years. I’ve been in love with you for longer than I’ve known you. I know when you are in trouble, or hurt, or-or anything. I knew that you were in that car crash. I knew it, I knew that you were in trouble. I knew it in the very pit of my heart. I knew that before you had even left, and I wanted to tell you how I felt but I was too late. You were gone and I thought that I would never see you again, and that I would never get to tell you- I was so scared. I have never felt that scared about anyone before. Not Sully, not my parents, not anyone! Just you! You’re in my-I’ve tried to put you out of my mind for years but I can’t! You haunt my dreams at night and my waking hours during the day. Every time I see you I fall more and more in love with you, but it doesn’t matter! There is no way we could make it work. I love Sully far too much to hurt him. Not on a chance, not-” Gwen took a small breath, the tears streaming down her face. “I am getting married to a man whom I love, and I will never ever hurt him. No matter how much I’m in love with you.”
There was silence in the room with the exception of Gwen’s sobs. She turned away and buried her face in her arms, which rested on top of some boxes. Jason was too shocked for words. He just stared at Gwen sobbing and felt incredibly guilty. He had pushed her to reveal something that obviously caused her great pain. And he wanted to take it away. It killed him to see her hurt, and when he went to speak to her, a question that he didn’t want to utter came out of his mouth anyway.
“Why are you in love with me?”
“Don’t you listen!?” Gwen asked turning around, her eyes red and her face blotchy from crying. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me!” Jason shouted. There was a pause, he tried to look Gwen in the eyes but she avoided his gaze. “Why?” He asked again, grabbing her shoulders and forcing her to look at him. “Tell me why!”
“I DON’T KNOW WHY!” Gwen shouted tears streaming down her face once more. “I don’t know why and yet I do. What I feel for you is more strong, and has lasted longer than anything I have ever felt for anyone before.” She pulled away, her voice becoming deadly quiet. “The emotions that I feel for you are rooted to my very soul. It scares me.”
“What do you love about Sully?” Jason asked, changing the subject.
“He’s kind, and sweet, a gentleman no matter what. He’s funny, and can always make me laugh.” Gwen smiled slightly. “I know where I stand with him, I can always talk to him.” Gwen paused and looked at Jason. “He loves me, and he’s told me countless times.”
“Well, I’m telling you now-”
“It doesn’t matter Jason!” Gwen cried out. “How many times do I have to tell you that! I will never hurt Sully. Not when we’re getting married in a couple of months. It wouldn’t be fair to him, or to me.”
“To you-?”
“I love him. I will always love him.” Gwen explained. “And even though I am in love with you-that kind of love fizzles out if-” She paused to collect her thoughts. “I mean, I’ve known you for all these years, I barely know you. Sure we get along, but we’ve never fought, never really laughed together. I don’t know where I stand with you. I know where I stand with Sully.”
“Gwen-”
“I’m sorry Jase, I really am.” Gwen tried to smile though the tears. “I know how you feel right now, because I feel it too. Your heart is breaking. So is mine. All these years, I’ve wanted this conversation, countless nights I’ve dreamt on how it would go and what I would say and now that it’s finally here-” Gwen paused to place her hand on Jason’s’ cheek. “I realise that it’s too late. I’ve found where I want to spend my life. I know that Sully and I will live together for a very long, long time. We’re kindred spirits, he and I.”
“But what about me?” Jason asked, his voice barely above a whisper, “You said that you,”
“I know what I said. The feeling that I had when you were in trouble, how I felt, what I felt, how it tore me up inside when I realised that I was right. That you really did have an accident,” Gwen smiled a sad smile. “You and I are connected.” She said placing her other hand on his other cheek. “How, I don’t know. Maybe we are soul mates, but I feel that way with Sully to. I love him, and I love you. I’ve loved you for so long that I’m not sure if I love you romantically, or if I love you as a very dear friend.”
“Dear friends don’t have the connection that we have.” Jason whispered.
“I know.” Gwen whispered. “I know.”
“I love you.” Jason replied, cupping Gwen’s face in his hands. “I’ve loved you for as long as you’ve loved me. From the very first moment I saw you-though I didn’t know it then, I do now.” Jason leaned in and kissed Gwen softly, and Gwen kissed him back.
“Jason-” Gwen whispered after she pulled out of the kiss. “We-”
“Marry me.” Jason proposed as he held Gwen in his arms.
“What?” Gwen asked, shocked beyond belief.
“Please.” Jason replied, with hope and love in his eyes and voice,
“What did you say?” Gwen asked again not really sure what he was saying.
“I want you to marry me.”
“No.” Gwen whispered pulling out of his arms. “No.”
“But Gwen,” Jason pleaded, taking a step towards her.
“No.” She shook her head and took a step back. “No Jason, you can’t do this to me. You can’t ask me-”
“But I’m in love you!” Jason reasoned.
“It doesn’t matter.” Gwen replied not wanting to listen
“And you’re in love me!” Jason replied.
“I’m getting married.” Gwen answered tears in her eyes and fear in her heart.
“Gwen-” Jason began, fear forming in his heart.
“No.” Gwen said shaking her head. “No Jason, I’m sorry. I can’t.”
“But we belong together.” Jason pleaded again. “We have a connection. You knew when I was in trouble. ‘The powers that be’ gave you that premonition for a reason.”
“Then let ‘the powers that be’ bring us together.” Gwen argued. “If we truly belong together, than we will be.” Gwen looked into his eyes and spoke again. “If not in this life, than the one after.”
“Gwen-”
But Gwen turned and left, tears coming to her eyes once more. Each step stabbed her heart like a knife, and every time she heard Jason call out her name her heart broke a little more, and another tear fell from her eyes.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered to herself, wishing with all her heart that Jason could hear her. “I’m so sorry.”
