On September 16th, 2004 at 2:45pm my son, Jordan Allen Goodell, was born. Due to complications during delivery though, I was faced with the toughest decision I have ever had to make, I had to let him go. My son fought for his life as long as he could. Sadly he just ran out of energy. On September 18th, 2004 at 3:08am my son became and angel child. I'll tell you what led to my son having to leave me.

September 15th, 2004 at 8:30pm, I call my midwife Janet Nodine, and tell her I think my water is leaking. She tells me that since it's my first baby he's probably not coming yet, but as a precaution she sends me to the women's center. I get there about 9:00 - 9:15pm and get admitted. They test the clear discharge, and sure enough my water is leaking. My midwife comes in and finishes breaking my water. I progress steadily to 8cm and 90 ifaced. Then the progression slows down.

September 16th, 2004 at 5:30am they decide to put me on an inducing medication. About noon I got into harder labor, but I am not permitted to push until 12:30. I push for about an hour and a half. Around 2:20 complications arise. I remember having 2 nurses and my midwife in my room my midwife was pushing on my stomach giving my pushes more force to try and cause Jordan to come out faster. Then I pass out and remember coming to to having 7 nurses and my midwife. 5 of the nurses are on top of my chest pushing on my stomach trying to force Jordan out. My husband Warren is on my right side holding one of my legs way back to my chest and bawling. My mom is pushing on of the other nurses to give her more leverage to push on my stomach. My midwife then tells my mom to push the emergency intercom button. I hear my midwife ask for a doctor to come in that we have a major emergency. At that point I start going into hysterics and bawling. But I keep pushing so I can try to save my son. The doctor comes in and is informed that my son has been oxygen deprived for 3 minutes. The doctor tries to pull my son out while trying to rotate my sons shoulders because they are stuck behind my pelvic bone. Mind you to do that he has to shove part of his hand into my vagina. At the point of my son being oxygen deprived for 7 1/2 minutes the doctor decides to rush to OR. As I'm being taken there my lil 12 year old brother sees me, me in hysterics and I will never forget the look on his face or seeing his color drain. They get me into OR and they splash a topical numbing liquid on my stomach. I feel EVERYTHING during the c-section. I don't care though because my main focus is on my son. I feel them pull him out. Its 2:45pm by this time. I relax for a little bit. I hear the nurse yelling for the sedative that she asked for on the way to OR. Then I hear "he's got heart failure!" I start going into hysterics again. I keep screaming "what's wrong with my baby?!" Then I don't remember anything until I wake up in recovery. The doctor comes in and tells me the chances of my son recovering are very slim to none. At that point I lose it again. They give me some more medication and I wake up in my regular room. They bring my son into me in an incubator (sp) with tubes coming from his nose and mouth. I'm not allowed to hold him, they have to rush him to another hospital to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) right then.

September 17th, 2004. The doctor tells me he can have my care transferred to the other hospital. I choose to go to my son. I leave the women's center and arrive at the other hospital at 8:30pm. I get the oldest slowest nurse. She is also computer illiterate. At this point they don't know how long my son has so I am in a rush to get up to the NICU. The nurse on the other hand says I cant see him until she admits me. I yell at her and ask her "do you not know the severity of my situation?!" Then the doctor comes in and says I am to be let go see my son. At 9:00pm I am able to finally see my son. He is hooked up to more machines. God he looked so big and strong but I knew he was so weak. I am then told his CT scan has come back like an etch-a-sketch, no definitive line separating the white matter from the gray. We call a pastor to come baptize Jordan. For those that know me know I do not believe in God, or in one higher power. I do however believe in angels. I hold my son all through the baptism. Afterwards everyone takes turns holding him and I go with some of my other family to the "quiet room" in the NICU. Around midnight my husband comes in and says we have some decisions to make. I knew right then what had to be decided.

September 18th, 2004. Around 12:30-12:45am we tell the doctors to take him off life assistance. That is the hardest fucking decision we will ever have to make. I have them dress my son in his coming home outfit and bring him to me in the quiet room so we have our privacy. In the room with me I have my mom, sister, cousin and her husband, my dad, and Warren. I let anyone who wants to hold him hold him one last time before he goes. After everyone held him I hold him until he finally lets go at 3:08am. The whole time I just smile at him and play with his feetsies and hands. I want him to know he has a strong mommy that will help him to let go. He keeps fighting and fighting so hard. I know its exhausting him so I ask for him to get one more morphine shot to calm him more and make it easier on him to let go. After he is gone I hold him for an hour just rocking him and bawling. My mom then takes him from me and gives him a bath and has pictures taken by the hospital. I still haven't gotten those I pick those sometime this week. I finally go down to my room. By the time I get to my room I have kept myself UNmedicated for 8 hours. I did it for my son, I didn't want to be loopy while helping my son to pass. But I realize when I get to my room its time to focus on me so I can be strong for him at his funeral.

September 20th I am discharged from the hospital.