A/N: This is a letter I wrote Sunday night of Easter 2005 after coming home from a Youth retreat I had attended while visiting a friend on her birthday..... That weekend I recommitted myself to Christ.... I wish to tell all about my experience... but I have never been able to express it so well as I did in my letter to my friend Natasha and her youth group...so I wanted to share my story with you... Please feel free to comment...

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Hey Everyone,

This past weekend was amazing. As I write this I can't help but smile and be filled with overwhelming joy, peace and happiness. There is so much I want to say to all of you....and so very few words come to mind. First I would like to thank all of you for being so welcoming...so open...so caring....so loving. Every time I come and visit Natasha I feel so at home....This Easter weekend was no exception. Many of you are people I have met before.....and after all that has happened I see you all in a different light. You are my family..my friends.... I would like thank Steve. At the youth rally on Friday I was so moved...so touched....I could hear Jesus knocking at my door....calling me back to Him....but I was scared....I was afraid to go up when Pastor Rich called....I wanted to lift my hand...wave to him...tell him that God was stirring within me...calling me to Him...but I couldn't find the courage....then Steve, you raised your hand....and I cry now as I type.....but through your small gesture of raising your hand I was granted strength....It was you, waving to Pastor Rich...then walking up to the front that enforced me to stop being such a coward and admit to myself that I was wrong....that to be afraid was foolish.....that God wanted me back even after falling away from him for the second time. I wanted to hug you as I stood up there, tears falling down my cheeks...and thank you for being so brave.....for without your courage I know I would never have gone up there....I would have stayed in my seat....beating myself up....crying...tearing myself because I was such a fool.....I do not regret going up there, despite how afraid I was.....for I am so overjoyed....so filled with God's spirit that I can't help smiling....but I want to share why I was afraid.....I was afraid because I didn't feel I deserved God's love anymore....Years ago when I was a little girl I gave myself to God....and I can honestly say that He was the centre of my life....but something happen..and Satan tempted me, taking my 2 favourite passions, writing and wolves and twisted them to where I eventually fall away from God....My friend and I were writing a book about wolves....and our book soon became full of magic.....our characters possessed powers....and I really do not wish to go into huge detail about it...as I do not wish to think of it...but in essence, I could no longer share my writing with my parents.....or anyone for that matter....but it took Natasha and my mom talking with me...to realise what had happened....In the end I went to my friend whom I was writing the book with...spoke with her about what was happening....that Satan was tempting me...and that this book was something I could never be proud of...for it was sinful.....I asked her that we burn it....and though it was hard for her...and she told me later that she did not truly understand my request.....but we burnt it one evening after school.....tore the hundreds of pages....and threw them in the fire pit...and burned over 2 years worth of writing.....It was hard....but I felt so empowered....relieved....and free....I knew that what we had done was the right thing....I became close with God again....but somehow I fell away.....I don't know how....but I did reject him again...Perhaps it is my independent spirit that makes me believe I don't need him....but I pulled away again.....Then I joined a Bible study group and we began reading The Purpose Driven Life....It is an amazing book and recommend it to everyone....and it once more made me realize that God had once again been thrown onto the back burner. I went to church that Sunday and stood up and admitted to everyone that God had shifted from the centre of my life....that I had forgotten him....and asked that they all pray for me.....For awhile I felt close with God again....and felt his presence within my soul.....but in these past few months....I had forgotten him again.....but I know God planned this Easter weekend for me....that I was not only to come to Paris for Natasha's birthday..but to rediscover Him.....to hear Him knocking at my heart.....I believe it was during the first movie clip shown at the rally that He touched me.....It was as if God was speaking directly to me......I lead such a busy life....and allow pressures of this world to haunt me....and never have I stopped to seek comfort from the One who truly cares for me......Tears were streaming down my cheeks as the video clip ended...I felt so ashamed....why had I forgotten God? Why I had let so many days go by without turning to Him? I noticed that it touched you too, Steve......I know nothing about you....and yet I know that you felt the exact same way that I did.....Ashamed....foolish....undeserving.... and as the service continued I felt like curling away into a hole and dying.....I could hear God...and yet I did not think myself deserving of Him....Why would He take my back when I had already fallen away twice...I didn't deserve a third chance.... I could barely sing the songs that followed....They were such beautiful words..praising and glorifying God...but how could I praise and glorify Him if I was denying Him presence in my life? Then Pastor Rich began his sermon...and as I listened intently I couldn't help but desperately wish that he would call up those who had felt Him in their presence....God was not knocking on my door....He was pounding viciously.....and I wanted desperately to open it....but I couldn't....No, I needed help.....then the second video clip of the night came on....the one with the Hero song...and with images from the Passion of Christ....and I found more tears filling my eyes...staining my face...How could I deny Jesus....deny God when he had given His only Son over to be crucified and nailed to the cross for my sin...for our sin? The knocking was extremely loud by now...and I was internally cowering....shaking in intense....I want to say fear....but I wasn't afraid.....and yet at the same time I was.....I was afraid to let Jesus in....God in....afraid that I had waited too long.....I wanted to get up....leave the room.....or I wanted someone to reach out and lay their hand on my shoulder....pray to God to give me the strength.....but I felt as though I did not deserve to be touched....to be prayed for....I knew what was happening within me...I was fully aware of God and Jesus....it was me who had to do this....I had to make the choice to let Him in again....Then finally, Pastor Rich spoke again....requesting to the ushers that no one be let out of the room....I gave a huge sigh of relief internally....for I knew why I wanted to leave....it was Satan talking to me....he wanted me to leave...was trying to pull me away from the door...to ensure that Jesus did not enter.....I stood as everyone else did...listened as Pastor Rich called to those who had heard Jesus knocking...and internally I was screaming Me me me!...but I was mute.....I was afraid of what Natasha would think....of what Kathy would think....of what everyone else I knew would think...I was a Christian....I had grown up within God's family....and yet thereI was....a fallen away lamb.....and I could not bring myself to admit to everyone else that I had fallen away.....I could admit it to myself....but not the entire congregation.....Then my attention shifted to Steve as Pastor Rich called for those who had felt Christ knocking to put up their hand and wave......and there, right in front of me Steve lifted his hand....My heart swelled and I knew that if Steve had the guts to do it....was brave enough to admit to everyone.....then I was too.....I was willing to open the door....It took me a moment, but slowly I lifted my hand....I could feel weights trying to get me to put it down.....and perhaps it was Satan trying one last time to keep me away from God...but I would not put my arm down...No, not after getting past the shame...past the fear.... I waited for Pastor Rich to call us down to the front of the crowd....and I can't remember what was running through my mind....I remember shaking uncontrollably....feeling cold...and wanting to hug Steve for coming up...for giving me to courage to go up there....I smiled as everyone cheered....and wondered what would happen next...Then we were lead away by Pastor Dan.....I didn't want to enter the room first...but I did....found myself a chair...and sat down...I couldn't tell you who was in the room....but I was glad that I had made the step....opened the door again....I was still shaking...and still very cold....and I wanted desperately to be hugged... Then Pastor Dan spoke and after a few minutes he and, I'm sorry but I can not remember the other Pastor's name.....I am constantly being introduced to him....but no matter how many times I come and visit Tash, I always forget his name....Why must I be so forgetful? Anyways, then the other Pastor and Pastor Dan took Steve and I aside....and prayed for us.....It was amazing...I felt so....I can't describe it...but my worry....heartache and pain...seemed to vanish.....and though I was still shaking...and extremely cold....I was beginning to feel a beautiful empowering peace.....I couldn't help but feel that the attention was fully upon me....Hm, perhaps that sounds sort of selfish...but I felt as though Steve was ignored....I'm sorry if that was the case, Steve....but once again I thank you for lifting your hand...for going up there....It took a lot of courage...and it was your bravery that helped me. I don't know if I can tell you how thankful I am....and don't be surprised if I hug you every time I see you.....God has filled my heart...my soul.....and I guess I have never truly felt him until the last song of the evening.....Wind Blow over me.....I think that's what it was called....but after crying in Tasha's arms...and praying silently to God...and thanking her for bringing me to the rally....I felt God wrap his arms around me and embrace me. All my worry had vanished....I felt intensely happy....I wanted to sing...to jump....to thank God for welcoming me back...for taking me into His arms. For the first time that night...for the first time in a long time I was able to sing to God and truly mean the words....I didn't want the night to end....I wanted to stay in the sanctuary and sing to God forever.....to dance in the happiness that had filled me....I felt at home there amongst everyone....I felt finally free to be myself. I wanted to laugh...to giggle uncontrollably....I can't explain how I felt...for words are not enough....but I want to thank all of you..... You are all so beautiful....God showed Himself to me through all of you.... I can see His love within each and every one of you every time I see you all....and finally I have found the joy that fills your souls... I found God again..... I let Jesus in...and I am so amazed at the sudden overwhelming joy that has filled me..... I have prayed millions of times in my life....but it was not until after the rally....Saturday night while laying in bed, Natasha snoring beside him that I truly prayed..... that I felt the Holy Spirit within me. I lifted my hand to God...to Jesus...and was overwhelmed with an undescribable feeling....He was with me.... and I prayed...thanking Him for all of you...for bringing me to Paris...to the rally....for being so willing to allow me to rejoin the family of Christ.... I said a prayer for each of you that night....even those of you I barely spoke with.... asking God to watch over you....to thank you all for helping me find Him.... You can't understand what you have all done for me.... You helped me find my Saviour..... you helped me find Life again. On Sunday during the worship service I found myself able to fully worship God....to give myself fully to him.....Finally being able to understand what worshipping Him meant....finally able to understand Him....and able to feel His presence so immensely. Pastor Dan's sermon was powerful to me....I was dead....my life was horrible....not a day passed that I wasn’t tired ...exhausted ... worried... saddened.... but when I opened the door Friday night, I was reborn.... was given life..... I could understand exactly what Pastor Dan was saying for I had experienced it....I knew that I had been dead....and Jesus had given me life.... After the sermon I wanted to hug you all...to thank you all..... and I managed to find a few people....give them hugs....but I couldn't find the words to express how I felt.... to say how thankful I am.... I had to hug Steve again...thank him for lifting his hand.... for giving me strength... and then I had to leave..... I didn't want to....I wanted to stay with you guys forever... for it was with you I was happiest....for you had brought me back to God..... you had helped me find Him again.... I hope that I do not fall away again....I do not wish to ben alone...to succumb to Satan's wrath.... Please pray for me..... that this feeling never leaves me...that I seek God....that I continue to build a relationship with Him....I don’t want to leave Christ's family...but I worry that because it has happened 2 times already, it will happen again..... Please pray for me.... just as I will pray for you. Pray for my friends.... my family.... that they will not be used to tempt me to pull away from God...from Jesus.... I do not want to leave this family.... Pray that God is able to fill me so that I can allow His light to shine through me...to shed His love upon those around me. I must thank you all again....and leave you with a final note. I plan to be back again sometime soon.....hopefully in a week or two.... I am craving the feeling that washes over him when I am with you all....I long to feel God as powerfully as I did Friday night.... God is with me now as I type this.... and with me when I am anywhere, but His presence is strong within you all that I want to be with you so that I can feel Him even more than I do when it is just me. Thank-you, and hope to see you soon.

With love,

Wolfie (A/N: I wrote my actual name here, but since this is internet, I will use my nickname for safety reasons)