Sitting, watching

A bystander, outsider

Watching the world go by

In my own glass bubble

My own misty cloud

Where the sky is always black,

The stars blanked out

Reclusive in my darkness

Self-created,

Wallowing in misery

And black happiness.

A smile is rare

Coldness makes me shiver, but

I don’t really care.

The rain is my friend

I stand outside, midnight has passed

Hail thundering down

Arms outspread, eyes closed

I hide from the watchful sun

Always staring at me

Penetrating into my imagined paradise.

A paradise without the ocean near

A paradise with me excluded

I shove her to the side

The part of me that is me,

Unwanted

Excluded

Seeing through another’s eyes

An imagined another

I lie awake for hours, creating

Alter-egos, a new one for every situation

A new one for every change in my life

Ones that mean something to me,

While still being different.

These:

Protect me from myself

By throwing away myself

Putting me in the darkest corner of my mind

Keeping me sane

Keeping me vaguely normal

I do not want attention,

I want my sanity,

Another’s sanity

Taking over my life,

Myself… I sit

Unseen, unseeing

Seeing through another’s eyes

Living in another world

My salvation lies in my death

The death of who I was.