Ephemeral

… These tears say: “I’ll miss you. More than you’ll ever know.”

By Romantic Suicide

For my friends, the freshman graduates of 2005.

I love you.

I told myself I would not cry.

It the midst of crying classmates and teary-eyed friends, I knew I had to be the smiling face that everyone had always seen and believed to be suited to me. So, when our companions wept, I laughed. Don’t worry, it’ll be all right. We’ll see each other around. That’s what I told them, didn’t I? Graduation was supposed to be a joyous occasion. We were finally being set loose from our small school, out into the world to unleash the chaos that was essentially us.

So, why did my eyes burn when I looked your way?

I remembered, really, very little of the last year. It was all such a blur of due dates and frustrating all-nighters. It’s funny; I don’t even remember preparing for growing up, though all of them told us it was time. We’re still the same immature bunch we were when we were still kids. I wonder when our maturity will finally catch up, and we’ll look back and wonder why we didn’t stay kids just a little longer.

Just a little longer.

I thought that as I held on tight to friends, embracing for all I was worth, feeling the tears, but holding them back as I cracked small smiles. I was still the smallest; our friends had grown so much, it was impossible to believe it when the memories of young children were still so fresh. “I love you; I love you,” was all I seemed to be able to say. “I love you so much. Don’t forget me.”

I’ll never forget you.

Though, I wish I had told everyone sooner how much I cared for them. You know, because it was different this time. We were going our separate ways, some probably never to see others ever again. The thought pained me, but I couldn’t bring myself to fathom it. Not until this moment, when the tears are threatening to fall, and I realize that this is really ‘good-bye.’

Before, ‘good-bye’ had always really meant ‘see you later’ or ‘I’ll be back soon.’ But, not this time. Still, I can’t bring myself to let go—I’m not ready for this. Will I ever be prepared for our parting? I can’t. I can’t imagine anything without you, without our friends. What will I do without you?

Remember, I suppose, but never regret.

I could never regret being your friend. We were so hot-headed, you know. I must have threatened to kill you so many times. But, I never meant it. ‘I’ll kill you’ always really meant ‘I care too much about you.’ We were such a team. And as I look out among our friends, I see you. I see you, too, holding them all close and tight among the flashes of cameras and quiet sobbing.

Then, I cried, and I couldn’t stop.

My heart felt unbearably empty, lacking though we still stood close together, clustered and holding each other as though it would always be this way. I was aching, hurting, but I knew we all had bright futures ahead of us, even if those futures were hard to see without my friends, without you. I wanted to hold you, too, and tell you how much I loved you, how much your friendship had meant to me, despite how often I had called you ‘moron’ and how many times you called me ‘stupid.’

It was strange, though. When everyone else had been embraced at least a dozen times by the both of us, I couldn’t bring myself to touch you, nor you me. I couldn’t speak; the words wouldn’t come. So, we just stared at each other, the tears falling down our faces. Tears that said silently: “I’ll miss you. More than you’ll ever know.” But, I couldn’t embrace you, not now, not yet. Not when these hugs meant ‘good-bye, good-bye.’

“I don’t know what to say.”

Then, don’t speak. It’s all right. I understand. But, promise me that you’ll remember me, remember all the times we’ve shared together, here, in this place. Promise me that you’ll remember my smile, since I can’t bring myself to forget yours. I hope you’ll never forget how we used to fight, how we used to conquer, and how we used to have those silences where understanding everything was farthest from impossible.

Don’t ever forget.

“I love you, so much.”

I really do.

That’s why it hurts so much to say ‘good-bye.’

Did you reach for me first, or did I reach for you? I don’t remember, but it doesn’t matter. I felt so much then, so much that all thoughts were a whirlwind, and all I could do was hold on to you as tight as I could. I never wanted to let go, never, never. It seemed an eternity that we knew each other, an eternity of wins and losses, love and hate, smiles and tears.

All the things that make up beautiful memories.

It was never enough for me. I know I’m being greedy. But, I just want one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year…

One more lifetime to spend with you, my friend.