Ack! Sorry for the huge delay! But whatever...Hope you faithful reviewers like it. And I’m open for constructive criticism, so don’t be afraid to give me an honest review. Praise and flattering is welcome as well, but only if you mean it! I won’t be able to tell whether or not you do, but I would appreciate it even more if you meant it.

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“So…” I began, “What’s up?”

“Oh, nothing really. You?”

“Uh, nothing much here, either.” Great. There went the end of that conversation. I was kind of hoping he would respond to something other than, “nothing really”, but I guess that was the way it went sometimes. I just asked another question. “So… are you trying out for the fall play?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Are you?”

“Oh, most definitely. But I don’t think I’ll get in.”

“Why not? You’re a good actor.”

“It’s not that I’m not good,” I repeated to him, “it’s just that everyone else is better. Competition is so tight between the girls, especially since there are never enough parts for girls. For guys, sometimes there are too many! None of them want to do drama. They all want to play sports and stuff.”

We had just passed the office, where we could both see Bethany walk out with the principal. Theo stopped all of a sudden and ran through the double doors to the office. Great. There he went again to smooth off Bethany. So much for a friendly conversation for old-times’ sake.

Then I saw them join hands as they exited the office. They both turned the other way, talking to each other and escaping from the world around them.

I even called out to him. “Wait! Where are you going?” But he did not respond. What was wrong with me? Just as I was about to have a great conversation with him, Little-Miss-Gorgeous had to ruin it for me. No, not just for me. For him as well. He could have had a decent conversation with a girl other than Bethany. But instead she was unable to let go of him like an obsessive mother would not let go of her only son.

But was it her fault? Or was it his? Was it her that would kill him if he were caught talking to me, or did he just wanted to avoid talking to me by rushing to the office and cuddling with her like they did every day? If it were the latter, what was wrong with me? Why didn’t he want to talk to me anymore? Was I stupid? Was I ugly? Or was I just not good enough? He even told me I was a good actor, but did he mean it, or was he just being nice?

I wanted to cry, but I always hated crying in public, either making a fool of myself or having random people run up to me wondering what was wrong with me. Instead, I just rushed back to my locker, grabbed my things, and waited outside for my ride. I made no contact with anyone, not even Julianne, who I did not even see on my way. I merely sat on a bench outside and waited for either my mom, my dad, or my older sister Kristen to come pick me up.

About five minutes later, Kristen’s red coupe drove to the student pick-up and drop-off area and stopped for me to enter inside.

“Hey Anna,” she said. “What’s up?”

I sighed. “Oh, nothing really.” I sat down in the front seat and closed the door.

She noticed the sad expression on my face. “Something troubling you?”

I shook my head. “No,” I lied. “I’m just tired, that’s all.” I fastened my seatbelt slowly, hopefully making it seem like I really was tried.

“School piling you down? It’s only the third week of school. Are they putting that much pressure on you?”

“No, it’s not school. I became worn out myself.”

“You look like you’ve been thinking a lot lately,” she mentioned as she started to drive away. “Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

I only looked at her. “Just… drive, all right? I don’t feel like talking about it.”

She shrugged. “Okay, if you say so.” She then turned on the radio and started listening to some light rock on her favorite radio station.

Kristen was a nice sister, and I guess I appreciated her caring about me, but it seemed like she was getting nosy sometimes. It was not any of her business what was going on between a few certain people and me. But I guess she was better than my younger brother and sister, who would constantly listen to all my phone conversations and would barge in my room whenever I had a friend over. Cathy and Joe were probably the worst things to happen to me, other than Bethany and everyone else like her, of course.

As we drove through town, I saw a number of couples walk on the sidewalk, talking, giggling, and some of them even kissing. At least I hadn’t seen Theo and Bethany kiss yet, but those people could be me. Some of the girls were even uglier than I. So why was I the one being ridiculed and shunned by everyone I knew? Not everyone else was better than I, but why did it always seem like it? I must not have belonged in my social group. I must have been a wanna-be.

When we finally reached home, I raced up to my bedroom and crashed on my bed. There, I buried my face in my pillow and cried silently. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried so often. I had become the girl I wanted to avoid being: a lonely crybaby who never got what she wanted. But why could I not get what I wanted? I always knew I could never get everything I wanted, but I was not getting anything I wanted. I had nothing. At least, that was what it felt like. I knew I had some things that were important, like friends and family and some talent (if anyone could ever find it), but it did not seem important anymore. It would all be taken for-granted until I had Theo.

After about five minutes, I stopped crying and blew my nose in a tissue. I wiped my tears away so it would not be so obvious that I was crying when I would return downstairs.

My mother came up to me as I waltzed through the kitchen. “Hey, Anna. How was school?”

“Fine,” I responded, as usual. I opened the refrigerator door to look for a snack.

“Have any homework?”

“Not too much. I was just gonna get something to eat before I worked on it.” I pulled out a yogurt, my favorite snack, grabbed a spoon from the silverware drawer, and opened the lid. I dug the spoon into the thick liquid as I placed the pink gunk into my mouth and swallowed.

“Well, be sure you get it done before dinner. We’re going over to Aunt Molly’s house afterwards, remember?”

I swallowed another scoop of yogurt instantly by accident. I coughed a few times, then answered, “Where are we going?”

“Oh, don’t you remember? We’re all going over there to play a big game of mophia for a couple hours!”

“But… why? Heck, why even on a weeknight?”

“Because Aunt Molly’s going to Canada tomorrow with the two little girls, and it’s pretty much a little farewell party.”

“But she’ll only be gone for…”

“Oh, it doesn’t matter! Why don’t you want to even go, anyway?”

I only sighed and responded as I took another bite of my yogurt, “I don’t know, Mom. I’ll… just be upstairs.” I headed towards the staircase to my bedroom.

Truthfully, I did not want to go because Aunt Molly lived in the same neighborhood as Theo. In fact, he lived right next door. Why I made such a big deal about it, someone may ask? I really didn’t know the answer to that question. I must have still been intimidated around him. Besides, Bethany could be with him. Sure, chances were I would not even see him, but I was still nervous. I feared anything that had ever rejected me, I guess.

I sat back down on my large bed, finishing the last bit of yogurt in the carton as I attempted to dig out the last bit of flavor from the bottom. I tossed the carton into the small trashcan near my dresser, and it made it inside. I put the spoon on my bedside table; I did not feel like traveling all the way back downstairs to put it in the dishwasher in the kitchen.

Instead of starting on my homework, I opened a locked drawer in my bedside table and took out a book. I opened it to a page in the middle and took a black pen off the page it book-marked. I began writing:

Dear Journal,

I thought today at school I would finally talk to Theo. But as it always turns out, he ignored me. Well, he first started talking to me, and he even said I was a good actor, convincing me I could make the fall play. But as soon as Bethany exited the office, he raced towards her and completely ignored me. Had I turned invisible as soon as he saw her? Was I all of a sudden an non-existing creature of some sort? I don’t know what to do. I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve been spacing out more, and I’ve been more pessimistic. This whole thing is killing me. I don’t even know why I should even bother anymore. He’s not going to choose me, and I should deal with it. But… I don’t want to lose again. I was stupid he’d be good for me, but he isn’t. An idiot would be able to figure it out. But who else am I supposed to be with? He’s the only one I see who would even remotely like me. I must be blind.

I must be too blind to see reality
Too blind to know what’s best for me
To know who’s best for me
I’m too blind to see anything

My vision had been clouded with hope
It was my only way of being the least bit happy
But now the hope is being overcome by despair
Despair, doubt, fear, anything not romantically sappy

I’m crushed by my own dreams
They were too big for me to handle
How on Earth could I be so naïve?
To think we could kiss in the light of a candle

Hey, I didn’t know I could write poetry. I’m a poet and I didn’t know it. I feel a little better writing my thoughts down. I always know I can rely on you for support, especially since I know you won’t be tempted to tell anyone else, since I keep you in a safe location. Now that I’ve taken a little bit of my burden off my back, I should put you back and start on my homework. See ya.

Love,

Anna

Writing made me feel better, especially when I wrote that poem, even though I still felt lifeless inside. At least it made me feel like I was worth something, instead of saying my only worth was to be compared to Bethany. I knew I was not dirt, I just had to agree with what seemed like everyone. I had been kind of a pushover for some time. But what else was I supposed to do?

I thought I should write some poetry more often. Who knew? Maybe I could show it to some people… but not Theo. Anyone, but Theo. I would have no idea what he would do, say, or anything. It would just be so embarrassing, I couldn’t stand it. So instead of thinking about it some more, I pulled out my math book and began on my homework as soon as I had put my journal back into my locked drawer, where it would be safe. I opened the textbook and pondered on some questions as I worked out the problems on my homework sheet.

About an hour later, I was finished with all my homework. I entered the kitchen to notice my mother cooking grilled cheese sandwiches on the griddle. Funny, it was a little early for dinner.

“Hey Mom. Why are we having dinner so early?”

“We’re going over to Aunt Molly’s tonight, remember?”

“Are we going there so early?”

“Well, those little girls need their rest, so we all figured it would be best to go earlier in the evening. The grilled cheese will be ready shortly.”

“Who all’s gonna be there?”

“Oh, family, maybe friends… whoever she wants to invite!”

This was making me nervous. I did not want to see Theo. Not at my aunt’s house, anyway. He could have had Bethany with him, and that would have made things worse. And having him around Cathy and Joe! That would be a nightmare! I would be so embarrassed by them! And that would be the end for me and Theo, no question about it.

“Anna doesn’t want to go tonight! She’s gonna skip it!” shouted a little voice underneath me. It was none other than Cathy. Stupid sister. Of course I would not skip it, but I didn’t want to go tonight, either.

“Cathy, I want to go. What are you talking about?”

“Yeah right! You’d rather just dream about boys!”

Dreaming would be nice, but I did not want to admit it to my little brat for a sister. “Leave me alone,” was my only response.

My mother put down her spatula and told the little girl, “Cathy, be nice to your sister.”

“But she’s not being nice to me!”

“What are you talking about?” I responded. “I haven’t done anything to you all day!”

Just then, the phone rang. My mother picked up the cordless contraption and pressed the button on the top left corner. “Hello?” She listened for a few seconds, and then handed the phone to me. “It’s for you, Anna.”

I took the phone from her grasp and held the speaker to my right ear. “Hello?” I began traveling to my bedroom upstairs. When I finally arrived I closed my bedroom door and exclaimed joyfully, “Jeremy! How are you?”

“I’m okay, considering the fact that my parents made me do chores all day for getting suspended.”

“Ouch. That must’ve been a pain.”

“Yeah, it was. Anyways, I was wondering if we did anything special in school today.”

“Nothing special in a good way, unless you want to try out for the fall play. But we do have a project in Biology due next Friday. And Mrs. Butt yelled at me for not getting an answer right.”

“No, I don’t want to try out for the stupid play. You know I get stage fright. But I’ll go see it if you want. And Mrs. Butt is stupid. Don’t listen to her.”

“I didn’t. The worst part was that she started comparing me to Bethany again. But unlike the other times, Bethany actually apologized to me. I don’t know if she meant it, though.”

“She apologized? That’s a change. And what’s the Biology project about?”

“You have to research some biologist. She assigns the person to you, so don’t worry about it. It can’t be hard.”

“Hey, are you still thinking about Theo?”

I sighed. “It’s getting worse…”

“Why are you doing this to yourself? Go find some other jerk to break your heart!”

“Jeremy, he didn’t mean to… and I’m not gonna find another jerk for that reason and that reason mainly!”

“I know, you can’t leave him. So what are you supposed to do with yourself? Become a nun so you don’t have to worry about loving some dude?”

I frowned. “There’s no way I’m going to end my boy chasing by becoming a nun.”

“Then why don’t you…”

“I’m not becoming a lesbian, either, thank you very much.” I was beginning to once again become frustrated at him. He tended to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

“I wasn’t going to suggest that. I was thinking just going up and yelling at him.” I could tell he was lying, but I thought I might as well play along.

“Well, I already tried talking to him, but then Bethany came along and ruined the conversation.”

“Then yell at him. Scream at him. Cry in his face. Oh, cry really hard! Crying would make him feel really bad. Believe me, I learned that the hard way.”

I smirked. “You mean you learned that crying makes guys feel bad when Julianne screamed at you for ruining her homecoming dress last year? Boy, you’re pretty stupid, Jeremy…”

“Hey! That was an accident! And I didn’t think she’d get that upset over a dress…”

“It cost 200 dollars!”

“Then why the hell did she buy such an expensive dress!”

“Her grandmother bought it for her the week before she died from that heart attack! I didn’t think you could be so inconsiderate! I guess I was wrong…”

“Wait, Anna! I didn’t mean to sound like a jerk! Okay, so to prove a point, I feel really bad again. Start crying about it and I’ll probably rush to your house and give you a hug.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, I don’t really feel like a hug right now, but can I ask you for a favor?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Tonight, I’m going over to my Aunt Molly’s house, and you know that Theo lives right next door, because I’ve told you about a million times.”

“Yeah… will he be over there with you guys or something?”

“I don’t know, but do you think that since you don’t live far from either of them, do you think you could pop up at some point anyway? You know, for moral support in case Bethany is with him if he’s even there?”

Jeremy sighed; I could hear him mumbling to himself. “Maybe… depends on whether or not my parents will let me.”

“Well, I don’t think you’d be gone for long if he’s not there. But could you at least try?”

“I’ll see what I can do. How’s that?”

I smiled whole-heartedly. “Thanks, Jeremy. If I don’t see you tonight, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Bye, Anna.”

“Bye.” I pushed the button on the top left-hand corner and placed the phone on my bed face down. Truth-be-told, Jeremy was a pain in the neck sometimes, but I’ll still talk to him. Heck, if he was willing to do silly favors for me, there’s no way I could be mad at him for being stupid for too long. But like I said earlier, Jeremy was not my type of guy to be dating. He would drive me insane about half the time. He was a great friend, but I couldn’t imagine him being a good boyfriend. Well, not to me, anyways.

It was kind of a relief that he was probably going to be at my aunt’s house, but only God knows what he was going to do there. He could do anything from crash his bike into the house to squishing his face into the window and making faces. But hey, at least it would get my mind of Theo and Bethany for a while, if they were even there. That was the main reason why I asked him to come, right?

“Anna! Come get your grilled cheese sandwich!” my mother shouted from downstairs.

I decided to just relax for a little while and eat my dinner. Not everything in life was meant to be stressful. Maybe Julianne was right. Maybe I should have been more optimistic. I could be a little happier. It could take this unnecessary burden off my shoulders.

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Yay, it’s done: the third chapter to Hold onto Love, Hold onto Me. I hope you all got to know Jeremy a little more (and know the reason why Anna wouldn’t want to date him…) Review, please! (the journal part has meaning later on).

Vandagirl