Religion is the best thing out there. According to most television evangelists you’ll live a much better, more moral life if you follow it, and chances are that you’ll get into Paradise with it. It doesn’t matter what religion you follow, be it Christianity or Islam or Discordianism: it is guaranteed to be at least 35 more awesome than atheism. Everyone knows atheists are going to hell, and I’m willing to bet most atheists would punch their mothers in the face for a nickel to pay for their heathen hijinx.

But hey, why am I going on like this? I’m here to talk about religion, the binding force in our universe (much like The Force from George Lucas’s script award-winning film, The Phantom Menace). Religion is a way for people to connect and help one another. As conservatism is on the rise in this country, we need to put the First Amendment to rest and pave the way for a purely religious country.

What religion should we pick? Why don’t we look over the list of religions to choose from:

Judaism: The first major monotheistic to be recognized by history (the actual first goes to some Egyptian pharaoh whose name eludes me. Began with an A, I believe.). The Jewish are a battle-hardened people, most notable when David kicked that Philistine’s ass with the famous Rock-And-Belt Technique he probably picked up from Dragon Ball Z. That being said, the Jewish faith is a faith dedicated to the wellbeing of others and practicing a good, moral life. They believe in a Paradise, but no Hell. In their faith the Messiah has not arrived yet. They are generally good with money.

Christianity: Judaism Plus. Christianity follows a lot of the same principles, and the Old Testament, the first chunk of the Bible, Christianity’s religious text, is from the Torah. Then, realizing they had to add more, picked four Apostles out of a hat and told them to write books on Jesus Christ, their head honcho. Like I said, Christianity is a lot like Judaism. Unlike Judaism, however, Christians believe their Messiah has already come, in the form of Jesus. They now await the Second Coming and bide the time by appearing on late-night TV and at cross burnings.

Islam: Islam, in this day and age, is the bastard brother of Judaism and Christianity. He is not invited to any of the parties, and when he is, Islam can be seen in the corner, watching Sikhism and Hinduism hitting Jell-O shots with a look of pure disdain. Joking aside, Islam is a religion of deep dedication and loved, marked by five prayers a day and at least one pilgrimage to Mecca, their holy city.

Satanism: Surprisingly, these people don’t dance around a fire pit with pitchforks, giggling gleefully while they boil a virgin and trying to recall spells from Dungeons and Dragons to cast on them. Satanism is a religion based on the principal of advancing the spirituality of one-self (Wikipedia). They don’t follow a singular deity. However, due to a few people who do put the “Satan” in “Satanism”, this religion is still “on the fringe”, as one might say.

Discordianism: Like Islam is the bastard brother of Judaism and Christianity, Discordianism is the inbred third cousin of all religion. Nobody really wants to acknowledge his presence, but they’re forced to give him a second-hand gift whenever Christmas rolls around. They generally do not wrap it. Begun in the mid-fifties by two men named Malaclypse the Younger and Lord Omar Kayyam Ravenhurst in some Kansas restaurant, the Discordians believe in chaos (or discord!) over order, and follow a strange set of rules called the Principia Discordia that, funny enough is an oxymoron within itself.

Buddhism: Buddhism, along with Satanism, is one of the officers of the No Deity Club at Religion High. In that respect, Buddhism, sort of like Satanism, teaches to better oneself. It preaches that, through good deeds and the purification of the mind, a learner of Buddhism can achieve Nirvana. I suppose Buddhists don’t have access to any music stores.

Syncretism: A mix of all religions in which everyone is happy! Yay!

Raëlism: Remember these guys? These were the ones who claimed to have cloned the first human and immediately took this baby and hid it from the world. Raëlism isn’t recognized by many in this world. Even the Discordians point and laugh as they walk by. Boasting around 55,000 members worldwide, Raëlism is either an exclusive club or gaggle of morons. At any rate, it is a religion that believes in aliens and immortality through cloning. C.S. Lewis would love these guys.

Can we truly choose from this list the religion that will lead the Free World? Should we follow the Principia Discordia and let discord! run rampant? Or follow Raëlism, and sit outside in our lawn chairs and wait for the UFOs to come get us. Only you, the 18-and-over readers, can choose this. Why not petition your senators? You must remember the rest of the country when you choose, however. Religion can have terrible power (The Inquisition, the Crusades) and a reputation-ruining power (every time someone thinks Jesus is coming).

Choosing a religion is a lot like playing Musical Chairs. Everybody wants to play, but in the end, the fastest and most resourceful wins. That, or the one who pushes the fat kid (Sikhism, maybe) and sits in his seat. Christianity is a good contender, but the whole “We Hate Gays/Non-Christians” bandwagon can seriously hurt their chances of victory. Islam, sadly, has no hope of winning major favor in the United States – with the wars in the Middle East still underway, and a strong anti-Muslim feeling growing amongst the ranks here in the U.S.A., chances are it won’t win. These two, however, are obvious choices over more inane religions such as Discordianism and Raëlism. I say inane because if you really believe in the Greek god of chaos or some aliens as your ticket out of here, well, maybe you should go live in international waters instead.

To conclude, I love religion. Everybody does it, and seeing how peer pressure is a socially acceptable method of persuasion, you should too. Much like an iPod, you have tons of flavors to choose from. Do you prefer a monotheistic explosion like Islam, or do you want to be an individual and be a Discordianism?

It’s up to you, thanks to the First Amendment!