Melting

Kagoatweed's Rant: Read and Review, but please don't steal ideas!

I'm so confused. I used to find myself thinking of him as mine, but those thoughts don't seem to make me as happy anymore. I used to be able to look at the future and say with certainty that he and I would be together forever, but I don't know anymore. I find myself being reminded of him and not having my heart speed up. I feel as if I have betrayed him. I don't know what goes on in his head, maybe he's just waiting for me to weaken so he can return to the one he truly loves, but I do know what goes on in my head. I look at another and imagine myself lying in his lap, his fingers running through my hair. I can't imagine that with the person whom I thought I’d never have second thoughts about. Not anymore. I hope these thoughts will pass, I think I do still love him. I hope I do, but maybe it will be my love for him that passes, not my thoughts. Maybe I never loved him. Infatuation is a likely candidate. I just didn’t know that infatuation could feel so right or so good. I still long for his touch. Is it possible that it’s just my feeble, final attempt at finding salvation within him? Am I afraid? Am I afraid of change? Am I clutching his arm like a child, unwilling to let go and try to find my way alone? I feel like one of our winter snowflakes. They cling to his hair, his clothes, as long as he stays outside with them. Once he goes somewhere else, they melt, leaving nothing but a sad shine, a tear that eventually disappears. Is my time with him melting? I don’t know, but I know this: YES! I don’t want to let go of him! I want to hold on to him forever! Even if my heart is unfazed by thoughts of him and I sharing a tender moment, it feels heavy when I think of him gone. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this. Maybe this scrap of paper will ruin it for sure. I don’t want it to. I want to stay with him, even if my feelings for him seem to be growing steadily frailer. Then again, who knows, tomorrow I may wake up and find that even the mention of his name makes me ecstatic. Maybe I will feel light-headed at the sight of him. It seems improbable, but I hope for it so. I don’t want to melt away.