In this world, there are two kinds of people: those who want to stand out enormously and those who like to blend in with the walls. If you are one of the people who enjoy blending in with the walls then you are most definitely in the wrong place. This is a special “How to” guide to being as inconspicuous as a polka dotted elephant.

First of all, I will take you through 4 easy steps. First step is your hair. You want heads to turn when you walk by. Now I know what your thinking. You’re probably thinking that means getting all dolled up and pretty. That obviously will not attract enough attention. You need to dye your hair some obnoxious color like pink or lime green. Spiking it too will add more attention.

Now that your hair is all done you can move on to the second step: Wardrobe. This is one of the most important parts of this guide. You first need to get those overly bright tennis shoes you saw in that store that was in a place once. For pants, you need a nice gold or yellow, shiny, hugely flared pair. Then you need a bright fluorescent orange t-shirt. Now you look like a walking candy corn. If this isn’t eccentric enough for you, you can add more volume by ripping a large hole in your shirt and safety pinning it back together. (careful, they’re sharp) That ensemble could send planes in a nose dive.

Alright, now on to the third step: Makeup. The key to this is tons and tons of eyeliner. Now you’re probably thinking just normal black eyeliner. Of course not! You need something loud, something eccentric, something that matches your hair. Make it sparkly too. For some odd reason people seem to stare at bright sparkly things. After the eyeliner of course is eye shadow. Almost the same concept as the eyeliner.(bright, sparkly and lots of it) Be sure to make it thick and put it all the way up to the brow line. The color should contrast with the eyeliner but still be quite bright and noticeable. Next comes lipstick. Always go for the bright red. To add to the effect, outline it with black or dark blue. Now for blush. Over do the blush. Make it look like you just came inside from –31? weather. After that, your makeup is complete.

Now for the final and most important step: actions. Now that you look the part you have to act the part, You’ve probably seen one of those guys who have a huge boom box on their shoulder while dancing and walking down the street.(quite the multi tasker) Well you need to be like them except instead of playing the normal rap or hip hop music they play, you need to play something everyone hates or soon will. Some good suggestions include: “the song that never ends” or “the song played at the beginning of barney”. If you do this, you need to make sure the volume is turned up nice and high. If the boom box doesn’t attract enough attention for you. Simply pull out your secret weapon. TIF. (the imaginary friend) Talk to this “friend” about anything. Why your hair is so green, about the weather, about grapes. Anything. That finally concludes the final step.

Congratulations. By using this easy step by step guide you have successfully taught yourself to become as inconspicuous as a polka dotted elephant. Great job! Additional generic congratulatory comment!
Holly Gangl