Chronicles of Nom

AN – it’s been five months since the last instalment, so it’s about time I got this story updated! Here’s another chapter of lunacy and dragons…this time, with added plot! WAHOO! The tale is slowly but surely limping towards its finale, so do keep checking back once or twice a year for the next chapter. Enjoy!

Eleven: Little Progress, Big Problems

The King of Dragons lay on the mountainous pile of ash he considered his throne, and picked at his teeth thoughtfully. Despite Ruley’s fears, the lord of Firetown – whose name was Leopold – turned out to be a very decent chap indeed, and had listened to the boy’s tale with great interest. Appalled by the Birchers and their evil intents for his territory, he had ordered the five of them to be locked up indefinitely whilst their fate was considered.

“IT’S A LITTLE FOOLISH OF THEM TO THINK THEY COULD BURN DOWN OUR CHURCH. IT’S ALREADY ON FIRE.”

The incredible wisdom of the dragon king left the crew of The Nomegranate flabbergasted, and they did their best to pick their jaws up off the floor as he carefully considered Nom’s declaration of war.

“…A GREAT VICTORY WOULD BE GLORIOUS FOR US DRAGONS. MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD CONSIDER US TO BE MYTHS NOW, AND GOING TO BATTLE AGAINST THESE WICKED BIRCHERS WOULD SURELY PUT US BACK ON THE MAP.” Leopold hesitated as he gnawed on the leg of an antelope. “HOWEVER, OUR NUMBERS ARE DWINDLING. I CANNOT RISK LOSING A DRAGON IN BATTLE.”

Gregory the Bumblebat wiggled his antennae sympathetically. “I understand your caution, my lord, but I must stress the urgency of our mission. If we don’t save the world from the Birchers, a great doom could fall upon us. As we speak, the evil Dark Nessie is preparing to duel against Nom; the victor will claim the throne of Day-Ee-Tay. If Nessie is to succeed, the world will surely be lost. I don’t know too much about him, but I’m quite positive he won’t be planning many nice things for the Nomists among us.”

“THAT IS TRUE, BUMBLEBAT, BUT WE DRAGONS DON’T FEAR DARK NESSIE. HE IS MERELY A SCIPPODILE AFTER ALL, A RACE VASTLY INFERIOR TO OUR OWN. IF NOM FALLS, THE DRAGONS WILL GO INTO HIDING. WHEN IT IS SAFE, WE SHALL EMERGE AND ROAM THE EARTH ONCE AGAIN.”

“But that’s just cowardly!” Ruley yelled, feeling he was about to do something very stupid. “It’s alright for you lot, lolling around in your burning village! Hide all you want, but when you come out again, you won’t find much left. Nessie will ruin everything. We have to win this battle, there’s no two ways about it!”

Travis Tea looked at the boy with a mix of pity and admiration. For the first time since meeting him, he agreed with Ruley. He place his hand on the boy’s shoulder and addressed Leopold. “The boy’s right. We need to win, and we need to do it before the entire Bircher army is aware of what’s happening. With Central Suki detained, we have a chance to hit them where it hurts; Dark Nessie won’t know about our plan until its too late. Will you help us fight this battle?”

The dragon king shook his great head. It was roughly the size of two double-decker buses glued together.

“NO. I WON’T RISK OUR LIFE AND LEGEND FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANS AND A TALKING CARROT.”

Jared looked offended, but Ruley managed to put a hand over his mouth before he said something he’d later regret. Travis nodded and stepped forward.

“I understand, Leopold. However, if you won’t grace us with your presence then I must ask another favour of you. Keep Central Suki detained. If he escapes, our plan is doomed to fail before its even begun.”

“I AGREE TO THESE TERMS.” Leopold replied. “THERE’S NO CHANCE OF ESCAPE; THEY ARE LOCKED IN A ROOM OF ASH, DEEP UNDER WHERE WE STAND NOW. WE DRAGONS WILL KEEP THEM HERE UNTIL PEACE IS RESTORED.”

Travis bowed and turned, indicating for the rest to follow as he walked towards the rundown spaceship. Lady Hymenia rolled along obediently, still intimidated by the dragon lord’s uppercase.

“…WHERE WILL YOU GO NOW?” Leopold called after them. “WHERE DOES YOUR QUEST TAKE YOU NEXT?”

“We don’t know; we were given a list of locations by Bree, the king of Sty. You were our next destination for recruitment, but as we’ve failed here, I guess we’ll continue onwards to the next place on that list.”

“What is the next place, anyway?” Jared asked. He was dressed in his canary yellow suit again, seemingly having grown tired of his own naked form. “I hope it’s somewhere a bit cooler.”

“Shellumbarr,” Gregory said as he flapped along near the carrot’s orange head. “I believe it’s a town not too far from Crater. If Ruley still wants to, we can check in on his hometown on the way?”

The Bumblebat waited for a response from Nom’s chosen prophet, but didn’t get one. Treading air and turning around, he saw that the boy had stopped dead in his tracks, and turned a peculiar shade of green. “What’s wrong, Ruley? You look really sick.”

The complete look of disdain on the boy’s face was a sight to behold, and was matched only by the ugly grimace plastered all over Jared’s mush. Horrified, the quivering carrot clung to his queasy friend as memories of a certain stay at the Gulkrapp Inn came rushing back with avengeance.

“Ruley…what’s wrong?”

“Shel…Shellumbarr? Are you sure that’s the next place on the list?”

Gregory confirmed, and Travis nodded along. As thick as Travis was, there was little chance that the pair of them were wrong.

“We’re not going there.” Ruley stated firmly, taking Jared by the arm and ushering him quickly towards the spaceship. “There’s absolutely nothing of use in Shellumbarr. I spent a lot of my childhood there; it’s an abandoned seaside town, haunted by rock-munching pensioners. I can’t think why Bree would send us to such a useless place. Let’s just go somewhere else instead.”

Travis furrowed his brow. Something wasn’t right. He stepped in front of the boy, blocking the entrance to The Nomegranate. “Just a second, lad. You’re not telling us the whole story here. What’s so bad about Shellumbarr? I don’t think the pig would’ve sent us on a wild goose chase. It didn’t seem like he had a sense of humour to me.”

Ruley and Jared, still looking terrified, turned to the great boulder of the Hymenian desert for back-up. She shot a smoky-bacon smile in Travis’ direction and rolled over to join the debate. “THESE TWO ARE STILL A LITTLE DAMAGED FROM OUR LAST VISIT TO SHELLUMBARR. THEY GOT INTO A RATHER INTERESTING SCUFFLE WITH A TRIBE OF MIDGETS.”

Travis giggled. Gregory snorted. From way back in the distance, the great dragon king Leopold roared with laughter.

“Midgets? What on Earth are you on about?”

Jared, now a sweet shade of pink, detached himself from the sleeve of his companion and offered a brief explanation. “Evil little knee-nibblers live underneath Shellumbarr. I got tipsy whilst we were staying there one night, and ended up becoming good friends with a short guy called Crispy. I didn’t know he was the leader of a tribe until they beat me up the next day.”

The ex-Bircher still looked perplexed, as did the Bumblebat. Ruley rolled his eyes and poked Jared in the ribs. “He wasn’t called Crispy. His name was Crispis. Don’t listen to Jared, he wasn’t tipsy; he was well and truly bladdered, on tomato juice of all things! I told him to be careful but he came stumbling back to the hotel, leaning on Crispis…he turned out to be the leader of the Soonbahn tribe, and his followers weren’t best pleased at Jared ‘kidnapping’ their leader. I tried to talk the mob out of it, but they could only think of violence. We both got beaten up, and Lady Hymenia had a good laugh. Suffice to say, I don’t think we’d be welcome there again.”

Having got over the best part of his laughing fit, Travis looked serious for a second. “The pig wants us to go there for a reason, right? He must think these midgets will be useful. I don’t know though…why would followers of Soonbahn want to help spread the word of Nom?”

“I CAN ANSWER THAT.” The towering form of Leopold stood behind them, having crept up slowly on the group (in fairness, it had only taken five or six strides at the most). “SOONBAHN IS THE GOD OF THE SUN; A COVETED POSITION. EVERYONE LOVES THE SUN, AND SO EVERYONE APPRECIATES SOONBAHN. IN TURN, HE IS ON GOOD TERMS WITH NOM FOR GIFTING HIM THE POSITION. BREE MUST BELIEVE THAT THE FOLLOWERS OF SOONBAHN WILL WANT TO HELP NOM, AS IT WOULD BE HELPING THEIR OWN GOD.”

Realisation swept across the faces of The Nomegranate’s crew. Well, except for Ruley and Jared. They weren’t the brightest crayons in the box.

“…How many of these midgets are there?”

“If there’s a lot of them it could prove beneficial…”

“We’re low on numbers, there’s no way we could make a stand with just the five of us…”

“…if we could just think of a way to get them to come along with us…”

“Hey, wait a minute!” Ruley yelped, to no avail. Gregory and Travis continued their heated discussion, paying no attention to the boy as he danced around in desperation. In the end, Ruley had to resort to swatting Gregory out of the air with Jared’s face. Stunned, the Bumblebat and the Chuilder finally decided to listen.

“You’re not seriously suggesting that we go back there? You haven’t seen it! The chaos! The insanity! The…seagulls!”

“I think it’s a great idea.” Jared chirped, wiping bat-spit off his face.

Ruley looked hurt, offended and confused, all in one go. “You do? Wha, why?! They tried to kill us!”

“Yeah, but Crispy was a nice guy. Think about it, Ruley. If I get drunk enough this time round, I’m sure I’ll run into him some place, and we can have a nice chat over a cool glass of tomato juice.”

“Jared, we’re not on this quest solely so you can get drunk! We have to be serious here! What is the likelihood that these midgets will join us after you tried to kidnap their leader the last time you were in town?”

The carrot in the canary yellow suit burst into tears and hid behind Lady Hymenia. “I didn’t try to kidnap him! Crispy was my friend! I didn’t know he had such an extended family, did I? And I certainly didn’t know they were so…bitey.”

Exasperated, Ruley waved a limp hand in Jared’s direction and stormed past Travis. He sat down in the cockpit of The Nomegranate with his back to the entrance. Jared started to wail, and dug his fingers into the rough skin of Lady Hymenia. She promptly began to wail herself, and pretty soon there was a whole circle of wailing going on as emotions got the best of Nom’s chosen few.

“Wait…” Travis said through the sniffles, “Why am I crying?”

He quickly stopped, and kicked Jared up the arse as he hopped up into the ship. The Chuilder turned to address Leopold. “Thanks for your help, sir. We’re grateful that you didn’t burn us to a crisp back there.”

The dragon snorted. “IT WAS CLOSE, BUT LUCKILY I REALISED WHO THE REAL VILLAINS WERE. DON’T YOU WORRY, I’LL GET THE NECESSARY INFORMATION OUT OF THE BIRCHERS, AND ENSURE THEY NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN.”

Travis nodded, happy at the thought of Central Suki pleading for his life in the dragons’ underground torture chamber. Tea extended a hand to the dragon lord, who held out a six-foot long claw. Taking it gingerly between his fingers, Travis shook it. For anyone watching, it was surely a bizarre sight; lucky for Travis, no one on the ship was even remotely interested in his inter-species bonding session.

“GOOD LUCK, PROPHETS OF NOM. MAY THE WINDS CARRY YOU SWIFTLY TO YOUR NEXT DESTINATION.”

Travis smiled wryly and climbed aboard the ship. “That’s hardly likely, this wretched thing is falling apart!” He gave it a kick for good measure, dismayed to see one of the carrot-legs almost fall off. Pulling shut the door of The Nomegranate, he looked around at his shipmates gathered in the cockpit. Jared was still crying, albeit quietly this time, and Ruley still had his back to everyone in the corner. Lady Hymenia was blissfully ignorant of everything and was staring out of the windshield onto the burning plains of Firetown. Gregory was hopping from foot to foot from his perch on the back of the pomegranate seed-seat, looking very nervous.

Travis sighed. Has there ever been such a mismatched team? And it’s such an important job to…

He thought of Central Suki and his team of Birchers that they had faced off against earlier. Immaculately dressed, and with the exception of Fairview, their level of concentration was enviable. Their minds had been on the job, if not in the pitiful battle that had taken place; in comparison, Travis’ own travelling companions were little more than fools. He felt a pang of regret in his heart as he thought of the life he had left behind. Doing the right thing felt like the worst thing imaginable in that second. Pulling his fingers through his greasy black hair, he sat down in the seed seat and asked Jared to start up the ship.

Still inconsolable, the carrot obeyed, but as he rolled around the floor, it was clear that his heart wasn’t in it. The Nomegranate lifted a few metres from the ground before landing with a bump.

“This won’t do, guys.” Travis said softly. “How can we expect to win a war if we can’t even get along?”

From the corner, Ruley turned around. Great rivets of anger rose in his face. “What are you talking about, Tea? You were the enemy, remember? Now you’re sitting there in the pilot’s seat, pretending you’re the leader!” The boy got to his feet. “It’s like you’ve all forgotten why you’re here! I am the one that Nom chose for this mission, I am the one that She said must help Her to complete the Chronicles! If it wasn’t for me…there wouldn’t even be this spaceship! That damn carrot over there would be in someone’s stew, instead of that ridiculous outfit!”

Jared gasped and slapped himself hard round the face.

Ruley continued his tirade. “I don’t want to go to Shellumbarr. I think it’s a mistake. I think something bad will happen if we go back there. It seems, however, that none of you want to listen to me anymore…even you, Jared. You’ve been with me from the very start of all this, you even came with me to Day-Ee-Tay. Now even you aren’t listening to me.” He sat on the edge of the seed-seat, eyeballing Travis. “So go on. Stop crying, Carrotman, and get this ship in the air. This war won’t wait forever.”

There was silence in the ship. Jared looked distraught, but proceeded in getting the ship in the air. Travis set the co-ordinates and The Nomegranate began its slow advance towards the seaside town of Shellumbarr. Unsure of what to say, Gregory decided to hum a little tune instead, and Lady Hymenia was content with rocking backwards and forwards, grumbling quietly. Extremely aware of the tension that was bubbling away, Travis abandoned the seed-seat in favour of the floor, leaving Ruley to flop dramatically into the perch.

For the first time in his entire existence, Jared had nothing to say as the ship ambled onwards. Holding back the tears, he sat back and watched disinterestedly as Earth’s fine scenery flew past.

High upon the mountain of Day-Ee-Tay, the ineffable Nom Herself had watched the dramatic scenes unfolding inside the cockpit of her shambolic spaceship.

“Why do these silly mortals create drama for themselves?” She asked Her nonmale secretary, who merely shrugged.

“I don’t know, your grace. I expect they are restless from the travelling.”

Nom shrugged and turned her attention to the Monopoly board on the table before her. “They must keep it together, you realise. It’s not long before the real fight starts.” She rolled the dice and moved her playing piece – a pewter hat – onto the Income Tax square. “Drat. I always land on that space.” She placed two one hundred pound notes into the banker’s tray.

“Keep your mind in the game, O Holy Nom.” The nonmale said, moving his own piece onto the Free Parking square. “Let them resolve their petty squabbles in their own time. Are they close to the grand finale?”

Nom frowned as She landed on Old Kent Road, coughing up a few notes worth of rent that the nonmale quickly snatched up. “Not yet. They failed to recruit the dragons of Firetown, and have not yet reached the Soonbahn tribe in Shellumbarr. I’m beginning to think tomorrow is too soon for this showdown of ours.”

The nonmale grinned as he bought two more houses, placing them on his red properties. “Would the scippodile agree to an extension?”

“I don’t see why not. He’s a reasonable sort of monster, so any chance to prolong My agony and I suppose he’d seize it…I’ll send a message over to him later, see what he says.”

“Ah, do you know where his hideout is? Your wisdom knows no bounds, O Ineffable One.”

“Oh yes, I have known from the start. You forget, my genderless friend, how it was that I created him. Carved from ice with a stone for a heart – Dark Nessie is truly cold. It makes sense, then, that he would set up his headquarters in the coldest and most miserable place imaginable.”

“…England?”

Nom chuckled and gulped down a glass of pomegranate juice. “Close, but not quite. My nemesis Dark Nessie has set up house in Antarctipo – the icy fields at the very centre of Earth. It is a little known fact that beneath the ice of Antarctipo, the entrance to the scippodiles’ lair awaits. Their tunnels stretch all around the planet, but the only way into the labyrinth is placed at the centre of the wasteland. Nessie’s lair will be there, just beneath the surface – somewhere well hidden, somewhere no one will be daft enough to venture.”

The nonmale looked aghast, and didn’t notice Nom stealing two five hundred pound notes from the banker’s tray. “And this is where the Sokkatoumee boy will go? To collide with Nessie?”

“Oh no, Dark Nessie will be well on his way to Day-Ee-Tay by the time The Nomegranate reaches Antarctipo. I doubt they will get there by tomorrow, it’ll take another two days at least. I’m sure Nessie will honour My request for an extension on this whole ‘duel to the death’ thing…but he will travel here regardless, presumably to camp out on My doorstep and annoy the hell out of Me. That leaves the boy and his companions to deal with the scippodiles’ doorman. Well, doorthing.”

“Ah, Thelex.” The nonmale said as he deliberately paid Nom double rent, pretending not to notice. “Could it not prove to be a problem?”

“Of course it could, but a couple of the boy’s friends are smart. I think that ex-Bircher is bound to find a way around the useless lump. Jared may prove surprisingly useful before this adventure is through, too.”

“And the boy himself? He seems bitter today. Is he still the hero Your book needs, my ineffableness?”

Nom smiled an all-knowing smile, and rolled the dice again. “Of course. The others would do wise to listen to him, and remember that he is the one I chose for this. They will see, before too long, that Ruley is a true leader. Whether the boy knows it or not, he has great worth in this tale; I would not, after all, choose to employ someone who I did not genuinely believe would get the job done.”

“Of course not, your ineffableness. You are wise beyond all measure.”

And with that, Nom’s mind wandered away from the ramshackle spaceship and back to the game, which She went on to win comfortably, though She suspected afterwards that the nonmale gave in rather too easily. Tucking Herself into bed that night, Nom thought of Ruley and his carrot companion, and regretted not using Spellcheck when drafting Her message to Dark Nessie earlier in the evening. Closing Her eyes, she allowed the wisdom of Earth’s day to wash over her (and to be honest, there wasn’t very much) as She succumbed to sleep, preparing herself for the keen day of Monopoly-training that would greet Her in the morning.

One thought stayed with Her as she dreamt a vacant dream; it was a thought that she would later consider to be the greatest she had ever had.

If I win this war, Monopoly shall become the true game of the Gods…and it shall be renamed Nomopoly. Yes, that’s right. I shall distribute Nomopoly to every home on Earth, and My face shall be printed on the box…and the money…and every square…