What is the best way to get reviews?

Begging? No.

Making best friends with everyone on the site? No.

Playing games with the reader? Imaginative, but no.

The best way to get reviews is simple. You don’t even have to be entirely literate! So, what is this miracle? A new formula of plot x characterisation x writing style? Nope! The way to get at least fifty reviews in just one chapter is stupidly simple:

Write something so dumb people can’t help reviewing you. The more politically incorrect,the better. Whether you choose a subject such as: Why Hitler was actually the second coming, or Gays: The REAL reason for September 11th, you will receive more reviews than any fantasy, horror, or romance you take months to write.

In fact, the more ludicrous your essay, the more attention you get. For maximum response, mention that you are the antichrist, or my personal favourite, Bin Laden. (Variants on these include: Jesus, Joseph Stalin, God, the pope, any historical leader/ well known maniac).

Another tip is to fit in as many pop culture references as possible, preferably at least one a paragraph – the most frequently used being Harry Potter, anyone from Lord of the Rings, and Buffy the vampire slayer. Whomever you prefer, mention him/her constantly, stuffing in extracts and quotes, the less it has to do with what you’re writing the better.

So, you’re writing your essay, be it: Harry Potter is secretly a gay Nazi, or Lord of the rings: A subliminal advert for Buffy. What now? Be careful to mention, at the very least, three major religions. Anything less and you won’t be considered a true Master Of Rambling Crap. These can be pro or con, and should be as far from anything remotely accurate as possible. Be sure to note that either we are all going to hell for saying “Oh my God”, or that there is no possibility that God exists, and anyone who believes such nonsense should be hung, drawn, and quartered.

Next, put in as many spelling/ punctuation mistakes as is humanly possible. The more obvious, the more reviews. Be especially careful when using religious words – spell these as phonically as possible, and insert quotation marks:

In the “Bye-ball” Jesus says that (insert something insane here) …

Finally, include a rambling conclusion. This should be off-point and show you have forgotten to take your medicine, e.g.:

In conclusion, I’m write (yes, this is deliberately wrong) and everyone else is wrong. I’m perfect. In fact, I’m God. Yes. I am the second coming. Bow down and worship me or go to hell. And review me. Even though I have probably offended you, your family, country and religion, if you aren’t 100 polite to me, I’ll flame everything you’ve ever written and sulk for a week. So there. Have a nice day.

I hope that I have educated and entertained you. Have a nice day.