Both of these were written around Christmastime. I was depressed about my father. That happens a lot, but this time I wrote some poetry about it. I don’t think it’s much good.

Life’s Short Straw

Dad, why were you never there when I needed you?

Dad, why did you never care when I needed help?

Sometimes I wish my life were different.

Sometimes I wish you were someone else.

If only I were so lucky.

Dad, there’s a hole in my heart

Where my father used to be.

But you were never really there –

It was just an illusion,

Something I wanted myself to see.

I wanted someone who would be there for me

When I was in need

I wanted someone who would live for me

And no one else.

Someone who would be my Dad

And not just my father

Because there is a difference.

But even that was too much to ask for

From a person who never really cared.

To me, a Dad is more than just someone

Who gives you money when you

Need an extra buck.

But you came into this wanting

An easy way out;

A daughter you could seal up in a box

And mail a check to twice a year

(maybe)

That’s why we had problems from the beginning

Because that wasn’t what I wanted

Not to be locked away from your heart,

But to have freedom

Even if it was on a leash.

Not to be the afterthought

That you mailed money to on Christmas.

I wanted you to be there for me

To care about me when I was lower than low

It never really mattered how much money you sent

Twice a year

(maybe)

I wanted a shoulder to lean on

A father’s loving arms

That would welcome me

When I needed them most

A heart that would cry with me

When my world came to an end

I wanted the thing most take for granted

But I guess that was something you just couldn’t give.

I know not everyone is cut out to be a parent

But Dad, why did that have to be you?

Was it some lottery

That happened before I was born

And I drew the short straw?

Was that it?

Did I not have the right

To a father who loved?

To a father who cared?

I feel like

When fathers were made

I just got unlucky.

Dad, I know you don’t always love me

But that’s okay

Sometimes I don’t love you either.

It’s hard for love to be one-sided.

Dad, I know somewhere in your heart

You care about me.

I just wish that I could see the way

You really felt.

I’m used to it now –

Wanting something I know is beyond my reach.

Now I know what it feels like

To draw Life’s short straw.

Father,

What is it, exactly,

That makes you different from others?

Did I do it?

Was it my fault?

I’m sorry –

I’m sorry for whatever I did

That you can’t – no, won’t see me –

But there’s only so much I can do,

So many letters I can write

(most of which I tear up,

Partly in anger,

Partly in frustration),

Before I crack.

I can’t stand it any longer.

I wish with all my heart

That you were different –

That I was different –

That whatever it was I did

To alienate you

Had never happened –

That you care about me

The way I care about you –

Because, really, I don’t have a choice

Whether or not to care –

Part of me is you,

And, if you like it or not,

That’s the way it’s always been,

And the way it’ll always be.

I can sense the tension between us,

And I know you can, too –

There’s a reason

Why you don’t want to see me

For the holidays –

There’s a reason

Why other divorced Dads

Pay $100 to celebrate

Their daughter’s birthday

And you don’t celebrate it at all –

You never have –

All the hurt

Eating away at my heart

Is my own fault.

If only I could know what I did;

Better grades, maybe –

Less mud, more dolls –

But what I do know is

I’d give anything

To change the way you feel about me.

Dad,

I’m sorry.