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Memories
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It was drizzling. A light sheen of rain covered the entire city, making everything look as if hidden behind a transparent veil. Everything looked hazy and unreal.
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Walking along the narrow pathway in the park, I breathe in deeply. The curving path was made of hundreds and thousands of pebbles and rocks of every hue, leading through fountains, benches, and all types of flora and fauna. I tilted my head and looked up at the sky, seeing the rain clouds moving away slowly, the sky cast a menacing dark gray. Slowly, I close my eyes, letting the miniscule droplets of rain trickle down my chin. It felt so refreshing. It was as if the rain cleared away all my sins, washing away all the impurities of my soul. But what has happened to the world around us? Where once everything was pure, innocent, virginal, has changed drastically, taking a turn for the worse. Everything is stained and corrupted now. Everywhere I go, I see thievery, lust, suffering, poverty…
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Casting my glance over the dismal remnants of the once enchantingly beautiful garden, I let out a sigh. It was a sigh of disappointment, frustration and also anger. The flowers in the garden have all wilted away with neglect, the trees once green now quietly rotting away dejectedly, no one knowing their pain, their agony with no one to care for them.
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The small wooden bench I had sat on a long time ago when I went for long walks with Derek was decaying forlornly. But maybe it wasn’t so long ago, although it felt like eternity to me. Actually, only ten years had past since Derek’s death. They were all ruined, ruined by humans who destroyed the fragile balance between nature and man, destroyed life. I feel that the most saddening thing was the fact that they were beyond salvation and the destruction that had been left behind. Their colors fade away, life slowly leave the thin stems that held them erect… it would be only a few months before everything was gone. No one would mourn their deaths, no one but me.
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To me, each leaf, each blossom, each fragile petal, they all had their special meaning for me. And to wake up every morning, to see more plants I cared so much about wilt away, defeated, giving up their grip on life, tore at the core of my heart. Now, all the amazing beauty of the bewitching garden exists only in my memories. Squaring my shoulders determinedly, I walk away.
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Here I stood, at the top of a forty story high building, glancing down at the hectic bustle of the unfailing traffic that plagued the city every passing day. Even though the day is dark and gloomy, they still go on as usual, slaving over mountain loads of work. No matter how hard they try, they can never finish it, because as fast as a person can finish his or her work, the minute they turn around, there is yet another pile of work waiting to be finished. People on the streets below looked like small dots, like ants, from up here, rushing about minding their own business, not caring about others. They were not concerned if the other lived or died, did not care about the well being of others, only caring for themselves.
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The rain has stopped, leaving nothing but a cool breeze behind. It swept my long auburn hair away from my face, and I surrender willingly to the calming embrace of the wind. As was usual, on these days, my past would come back to haunt me, to taunt me… and it was no different this time.
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The hands of time reverses slowly, and I see my past coming to life once again behind closed lids. The years flicker past, and I am once more eighteen, lying on a hospital bed, gazing resignedly out the window. It was drizzling that day, small tear shaped rain splattered noisily against the window with a steady rhythm. Birds chirped cheerfully despite the gloomy outlook of the day and I wondered what they were so happy about. As a small droplet of rain slid down the clear glass pane, I felt a burning tear slide down my cheek.
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I do not know how long I stared out the window, just watching as each drop of rain fell from the heavens above to the earth below. Someone once told me that when it rained, it was because the heavens were mourning for the loss of an angel. I did not really believe that, because it just could not be true. I don’t think I really blame anyone for the accident, but I just feel so exhausted, too tired to fight against the demon inside of me urging me to give up. It was as if an empty slot had replaced my heart, taking away my determination to live and along with it, my zest for life. I don’t want to fight anymore; I just wanted to let go…
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“And how are you feeling today, Nicole?” Dr. Carter’s warm, concerned voice broke through the chain of my thoughts. Dr. Carter was a fairly young doctor of only twenty years. But the surprising thing was that he was well respected by the other doctors because of his skill and also because of his friendly, kind and generous attitude. He treated every patient, nurse or doctor as his friends and children absolutely adored him.
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He had beautiful brown hair, always neat and nicely combed. He had friendly green eyes that always sparkled with laughter and wore horn-rimmed spectacles. He always wore a dark blue long sleeved shirt and black trousers underneath a pristine white medical coat, along with a sweet or two in his numerous pockets in case he came across one of his younger patients.
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I didn’t bother to answer him but continued to gaze out the window. I wasn’t in the mood to humor him. After his initial attempts, he stopped trying to coerce me into conversation, but continued my daily check-ups every day without fail. At first I though he was sulking, but after a few days I wasn’t so sure. I found out after those few days that I actually missed his customary greetings and his cheerful smile. I moped about dejectedly, sighing and feeling sorry for myself even though I knew that I was well on the road of recovery.
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When I was walking in the hospital gardens for my accustomed walk one day, I felt dizzy and unable to think clearly. My vision was blurry, and with one hand outstretched, I groped blindly for something to hold on to. I felt faint and all of a sudden, I tripped accidentally. I braced myself for a painful fall, and instead I felt someone holding me up, supporting me. A kindly voice asked if I was all right. I looked up, trying to see the person who assisted me, but all I saw was a blurry outline of a face, and saw nothing more after that.
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I awoke to the sound of people moving around, and after blinking my eyes a few times, I was finally able to see clearly again. The people, whoever they were, had left without a trace. I tried to pull myself up to a sitting position, but failed, and I sank down onto the pillows in frustration. A familiar voice greeted me. “How are you feeling?”
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And this time, without hesitation, I replied. “I… I’m feeling a little tired..” my voice came out horse and husky, but I still continued. “But apart from that, I feel fine… thank you.” I smiled weakly at the doctor.
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He seemed a trifle surprised. Ha! Got him that time! I thought somewhat smugly. To my astonishment, he smiled pleasantly back at me. I noticed, at that instant, how particularly attractive his smile was. “So you’ve finally decided to talk, hmm?” he said with a straight face, without so much as cracking a smile.
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Ruefully, I remembered the times when I refused to talk to him, the times I simply ignored him and the smile faded away from my face.
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“It’s okay. I understand how you must feel after being a victim of such a terrible accident.” he said sympathetically.
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From that day onwards, he became my best friend. Every day, after he finished his shift, he would accompany me and we would take a walk in the hospital garden and talk about everything under the sun. I am forever thankful to him and I can never ever repay him for giving me back hope, security and most of all, love. I don’t mean love as in the relationship between man and woman, but as in caring, devotion and happiness. He gave me all this in return for nothing. He gave willingly, unselfishly, selflessly. He renewed my faith, teaching me that life was beautiful, wonderful. He taught me to appreciate nature, and told me that to wake up every morning was a miracle in itself.
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I was released from the hospital after two weeks, but I would go to the hospital every day to visit him, and we would take our habitual walks in the garden. That was the day I would never forget.
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He seemed preoccupied somehow, distracted and somewhat vague. “Are you okay?”
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He didn’t hear my question and I repeated it a few times before he finally broke out of his reverie. “Hmm?”
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“I asked if there was anything bothering you.”
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“Oh, it’s nothing. Really.” he said as I gave him a disbelieving stare. I shrugged, but still felt worried. I turned away, glancing at a dewy red rosebud.
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“Nicole?” he asked, and for once, his voice had a nervous ring to it. I wondered why. He hesitated, as if not wanting to tell me what he had on his mind.
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I urged him gently and he continued, “Do you mind if we sit down for awhile?” I consented and sat down beside him, all the while trying to guess what he was going to say to me. What came out of his lips the next moment I had not expected.
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“I’m going to die soon. ” he said quietly, averting his eyes. His face was flushed red, tense.
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“What? Why?” I was alarmed and stunned by his declaration.
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“I have cancer.” he said wearily, running a hand over his face.
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“Isn’t there a cure?” I asked even though I knew there wasn’t one. I just could not believe that my best friend was going to die soon. Knowing this, I felt miserable and helpless. I could do nothing to help him! Absolutely nothing! I could only sit aside and watch him die! I felt burning tears slide down my cheeks.
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“Hush, Nicole, hush... it’s okay. I’ve known it for a long time already. And I’ve accepted my Fate. If God wants me to die, I will do so willingly. ” he smiled cheerfully, despite knowing that he was going to die. I looked at him with teary eyes and burst into tears again. I hugged on to him tightly, unwilling to let go, and Derek understood. He whispered comforting words into my ear, soothing, calming me. Finally, my crying ceased and I let go of him.
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“How can you accept it so easily?” I asked huskily, wiping at my running nose.
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“I feel thankful that I have been given a chance to live a meaningful life, unlike those unfortunate babies that die at child birth. They had not even been given the chance to experience life, and I am grateful that I am able to.” he explained easily.
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“Really?”
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“Yeah. Now cheer up.” He commanded.
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I smiled wanly and impulsively, I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “What was that for?” he asked, curious, touching the spot where I had kissed him.
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“Nothing. I just felt like it.” I answered playfully.
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“Do you have a crush on me?” he questioned with a perfectly straight face.
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“No, of course not! Who would like a big oaf like you?” I punched him lightly on the shoulder.
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“I’m hurt. ” he pouted, pretending to sulk.
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“Oh you!” there would never be anyone like Derek. No one could replace him.
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But all good things must come to an end, as they say. Not long after, he was hospitalised after fainting in his office. When I visited him, I took with me a bouquet of gaily-coloured wild flowers that he loved so much. I could hear the beeping of the machine signifying that he was still alive and I opened the door slowly. I could have broken down and cried when I saw his pale, wan face on the pillow. I controlled myself, and noticing my presence, he smiled weakly.
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His eyes had lost their particular sparkle, his hair their beautiful shine. He was still the man I used to know, still the same conscientious, honest Derek, despite his fragile appearance. I felt my heart rising up to my throat. “How are you feeling today, Derek? I asked, striving to keep my emotions in check.
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“Considerably better than yesterday.” he answered feebly. Suddenly, his face twisted in pain. He clutched tightly on my hand, squeezing it as if searching for solace. I gripped his hand, and I felt his pain, his sadness.
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It was finally over and when he released my hand, I ran to the door, wanting to call a nurse or a doctor to help him. “Nicole, come here. There is nothing the doctors can do even if you call them here. I should know, I’m also a doctor, you know.” he tried to make a joke, but I did not think it was funny. It was a matter of life and death. I hesitated, turning towards the door and he said, “Look at me, Nicole.” Obediently, I turned at looked at him. His forehead was covered in sweat, his breathing harsh, laboured and his face grim.
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I went to him. Sitting down beside him, I automatically held on to his hand. “Nicole, listen to me. After I die, I want you to continue living. Live your life meaningfully, and don’t waste it. I know you re going to be sad at my death, but don’t ever give up. I’ll always be with you, even though you can’t see me. You will go on with your life and forget about me, okay?” he requested of me.
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“But…” I protested.
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“Promise me! Promise me you won’t ever give up no matter what happens.” Derek urged me, his grip on my hand tightening just a little.
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“I promise you.” I said firmly, although deep inside I knew that I would never forget him.
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He smiled. And then his grip on my hand loosened. His eyes slowly flickered close and a soft sigh escaped his lips. The beeping stopped, leaving behind only a negative sign. Derek was dead. I looked at his peaceful face, and I saw the smile that still lingered upon his lips. He had gone to a better place, a place where everyone was happy and no one was discontented. I pressed the button that would summon the doctor and the nurse that was handling his case. I couldn’t hold my tears back any longer. I wept like a lost child, a river of tears pouring down my cheeks as a nurse and a doctor entered and certified his death. On their faces, there were looks of grief upon their faces. They had lost a friend, but I have lost my guardian angel. I didn’t hear their words of condolences, I knew nothing, heard nothing but the fact that Derek was no longer with me, no longer there to guide me, no longer there to share my happiness or even my pain.
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The pain still lingered in my heart even after ten years. The memory was as fresh as if the incident happened yesterday. I can no longer resist it, but as I lifted my foot to take a step forward, I remembered what Derek said. “Promise me you’ll never give up no matter what.” his voice echoed in my thoughts.
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“But I can’t, Derek, I just can’t!” I whispered brokenly.
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And then, I took that step with my eyes closed, and with Derek’s face in my thoughts, I hurled to my death. “I’m sorry, Derek. I’m so sorry… ”
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Author Note: Did you like it? Please tell me. I’d like to have your honest opinion, okay? j
