For those of you who care, I work in a pizzeria. I make salads, appetizers, and sandwiches, and I sometimes answer the phone and take orders. I can also use the cash register if necessary.

First off, I’d like to tell my readers: always ask if pizza places have any specials. I could save you $4 per pizza sometimes, but I’m not allowed to unless you ask. And by the way, if you ever work at a pizzeria, there’s no security camera in the walk-in freezer. It’s the perfect place to hitch up your jeans, fix your bra, pick your nose, whatever. You can make all necessary adjustments without worrying about the little men watching you. Now, onto the rant.

I’d like to say that if the waitress brings your food out to you, it’s only polite to leave a tip. If your crying baby disturbed the other customers, leave a tip. If you stayed a while to talk, taking up space we could have used to seat other customers, leave a tip. If you had a party of twelve and you dropped crap all over my clean floor, while sending me back to the kitchen several times for extra sauce or to recook food or to fetch you plates you could have gotten yourself, and you changed your order several times, and yelled at me because you forgot the coupon you had, then you should leave a BIG tip. Leaving a tip of two cents is worse than insulting my mother. Just take your sarcastic ass out of my restaurant immediately.

And a word on coupons: tell me about it when I ring your order up. Don’t come to me later, doesn’t matter if it’s two minutes later or two hours, and tell me that you have a coupon for $2 off. Donate the freaking two bucks to us. Only the manager can recall a ticket, and I’m not going to disturb his managerial duties so that you can save two bucks, cheapskate. Chalk it up as experience and walk away a smarter person.

Another word on coupons: sometimes we don’t carry that coupon. Maybe it’s expired, maybe we can only give you one coupon at a time (“cannot be combined with any other offer” ring a bell?), and maybe it’s for a different location. We are independently owned and operated, you know. Says it right there on the pizza box. In any case, if it’s not in my computer, I can’t give it to you. Would you like me to get the manager? He’ll tell you the same thing, only less politely.

If you're having a party/meeting/convention, thank you for thinking of us. Please hold it at your own house and order delivery. Yes, it's going to be expensive, you can't feed twelve people cheaply. Ask for the check to be split. It's a pain in the ass, but I'm willing to do it for you if you ask nicely. And don't gyp the driver, either. Yes, the delivery charge does go to him, but he doesn't get paid by the hour and the measly two bucks isn't going to feed his kids. If you do come in here and take up half our tables, and stay for two hours while you discuss Billy Bob's vasectomy and Mary Sue's affair, please leave a tip. It's only polite.

If you're having money problems, and you really don't want to tip the girl at a pizzeria, I'd love it if you'd pile up your dishes on the tray instead. It makes my life so much easier; it's almost as good as a tip (I’d still prefer a tip, though). I see sweet elderly couples do this all the time, and I'd like to say "Thank you!"

Another thing is people who are counting every penny. You place your delivery order, get the total, and then get off the phone with me. Five/ten/twenty minutes later I get a call complaining about the total. I'd be more than happy to go through your order with you. Now, let's got through the order of Jane Smith. She orders an extra large deluxe pizza, an order of cheese garlic bread, and a house salad with house dressing. Her total is $32.30. An extra large pizza is $13.95, though if you had asked for about our specials, I could have given it to you for $2 off and thrown in some free T-ravs (a $4.95 value, absolutely free!). To make an extra large a deluxe is $4. (Yes, that's expensive; you want to cover 50 square inches with six different toppings!) We're up to $17.95. The cheese garlic bread is $4.95. We're up to $22.90. The house salad is $5.29. (Yes, that's expensive for a salad but I don't set the prices. Neither does the manager. We can't change anything. If you don't like it, don't buy our salad.) We're up to $28.19. The dressing is free (aren't we nice people?). Delivery charge of $2 (to make sure the driver doesn't get gypped.) We're up to $30.19. Throw in a tax ofseven percentand you get your $32.30. Now you've taken up five minutes of my time that I could have used to help another customer or make your salad and garlic bread, but I don't mind. Really, I don't. :death glare:

If you ordered a huge sandwich, and it spills all over the place, don't yell at me. It's a big sandwich. Nothing I do is going to make it magically fit into your basket/wrappings. It's like trying to fit a D-cup into a size B bra. There's going to be spillage.

Girls only: If you resemble a walking stick person, and you order a side salad with light vinaigrette dressing and a diet Pepsi, I will climb over the counter and break your skinny neck. I’m serious. You think I’m kidding? Just try it. I’m sure your family has enough problems without you adding anorexia to the list.

I’m sure you have a daughter, a wife, or a mother, someone that you care about. Think about this woman carefully. Now ask yourself: Would you want her to spend eight hours in a living hell? Of course not. So don’t do it to me. Don’t order the chicken wings. If I have to stick my hand into the slimy bag o’ horrors one more time, I’m going to go postal and kill my coworkers and any handy customers with a bread knife and a pizza paddle (the better to scoop your brains out, my dear).

Now, there is only one credit card machine where I work. This one scanner is in full view of the customers. However, when two girls are ringing up customers, and both have to use the scanner, you would not believe the nasty comments we get! Oh my God, it’s the end of the freaking world, I had to wait sixty seconds to get my credit card back! What am I going to do without my plastic glued to my hand?!

I especially love it when customers come in during peak hours and complain about having to wait in line. There’re two office buildings right next door to us, and we’re the only pizza place in the strip mall, so we have plenty of people coming in to eat. It’s not like we desperately need your business, anyway. Even if we pull a girl off food to ring up orders (which we won't, because then you have to wait longer to get your food), there’s still going to be a line, so just wait. Patience is a virtue….

If you come in and we’re industrially punching buttons at a computer, we’re not playing Solitaire, we’re working. If we don’t drop it immediately to rush to your aid, then it’s more important than you. Sorry, life’s a bitch. If the computer-person yells “Counter!” and goes back to punching buttons, don’t yell at him, help is on the way. You are “counter”, and the counter-girl will be here shortly to assist you in all your pizza needs.

:breathes out: Thank you for reading this far into my rant. I would like to say that overall my job is wonderful (especially the money part) and I’m gaining quite a bit of life experience working there. Most customers are very nice, understanding people, but some are... :shakes head: Oh, and buy pizza!

Go ahead and flame me, I don't care. I'm sure I was very politically incorrect.