A Disbeliever's Prayer

Our Father, who art in Heaven, I am broken again.
Humble, jumbled pains I offer up for divine sorting.
I should start at the beginning explaining how I got here
But you should know all of this, they tell me you are all-seeing,
All knowing… so I won’t tell you what you all ready know…
I will only ask that you listen the inane ramblings
I offer my ceiling as if it were you… or him…

I know I am intruding on your follower’s terrain.
And now I turn to you when I have nowhere else to turn
And I don’t feel like rolling from side to side because
I can’t run fast enough to catch sleep
I don’t feel… a strange lovely phrase.
If only… no I feel too much… and I am strained.
So I offer up my humble, jumbled pains…

I know you may not be listening to my words
but I have fallen into this same bittersweet situation.
I love and it isn’t returned… I desire and he seems to…
but you know that… you have seen that… you are seeing it…
and you hear it every night that he isn’t here.
I am not sure if I am asking for advice…
I am not sure I would listen if it was given… but you know that…

I guess I am only asking for someone to listen.
To hear without offering up trite idioms….
Empty proverbs… that could answer any problem
Those who haven’t been where I am… they care…
they are only trying to protect me… but from what?
From him? From me? From feeling?
I haven’t felt in so long… and now it is all I do…

Are you still there? Are you still listening?
Do you hear my words? My humble, jumbled feelings?
Do you care like they say you do… are really listening?
Do you believe in my without asking me to believe in you?
He believes in me… He tells me I am strong…
He tells me I am stronger then I believe… and I don’t
I don’t believe in a lot anymore… but I feel… I feel too much

So I am here asking you to listen to my humble, jumbled feelings…
When I can’t bring myself to listen to you…
Then again I don’t listen to him all of the time…
I want to remain free yet chained to him
and that is why I allow myself to fall every time
Allow the ground to fade from beneath my feet
Allow the world to loose it’s muddied moral grays

So I will believe you have been listening to me,
believing in me patiently in the way he does…
waiting for me to decide what he already knows
And in my own strange way…
A little piece of me believes in return
I believe my humble, jumbled pains; aren’t wrong
and that little piece of me believes in him… and you…