A Functional Prayer

Our Father who art in heaven, what in the hell did I ever do to you?
Shattered, splintered heart that barely beats is yours to fix.
Before I allow myself to break I will do as ritual dictates,
because once I start I do not know if I can pull back together.
I will thank you for the people who are trying to protect me in all of this.
For the ones who thankfully cannot bother me because they do not know.
But that seems to be where my list ends...

I am fully aware that you may just be a kid with an ant farm.
I am also fully aware that if you are not you really do hate me.
But some part of me hopes even now that this will all turn out.
That the heros will somehow make his way through this.
That the wicked will suffer for what they have done to others.
That those who may still be saved will be.
And that a shattered, battered heart might somehow heal.

Are you listening? Do you care? Is this all some sick game?
I have to admit I don't understand. Your "bigger pitcure" at this point sucks.
I don't understand why I was brought into this to watch him suffer.
I don't understand why I got to see what could have been.
Why ask me to bury one dream next to the last one you took from me?
But in this cosmic round of the home version of Survivor...
I just want to be voted off the island.

I don't know what I am asking for... maybe just a sign
Not that those have done me any good in protecting him.
And today I will have to deal with the terrified stares of people
who are scared of saying the wrong thing and rendering me useless.
Useless... Not the right word... Functional.
Verb: Useful; serving some purpose for day-to-day life.
That is the verb I am swtiching out for living...

But you know that. You who can see everything...
You who knows what will happen and is refusing to spoil the show.
You already know how I am barely getting through this.
You already know that at any given second I am fighting for control.
You know that I am constantly building walls to keep the pain out.
The hands that no one else seem to notice are always shaking
The hands that could not protect his heart from them... you see it all.

I am asking for superglue to mend my shattered, battered heart
I am sitting here at a laptop first thing in the morning
preparing for a part that I can't seem to find the strength for...
I will play the part of "whole" today, because it is the closest I can come
Please give me the strength to not fall apart in front of people
Please let me find someway of helping him find his way out of the dark
Hell, I will settle for the strength to make it through the next minute.

I want to believe that you are up there listening to my problems.
hoping that my pain isn't just a game to you...
wanting to believe that talking to you will help.
And even after all of this...
Hoping that he will find his way home
That this shattered, battered heart might heal
That I won't need to understand the difference between functional and living.