Dear Kristen,

My life is so screwed up at the moment and I can barely fathom why. I have a boyfriend who loves me, tries to protect me (from myself) AND is trying to help me fix my pathetic excuse for a life. I have parents and siblings (including you) who love me unconditionally, a family who ALWAYS wants me to succeed in life and in love and as oft as possible to be there for me. I am a role model (though I don't deserve to be one) to my younger cousins and Emily, but no one really sees the "real" me.

What is real anyways? Or love? In my mind, I hear over and over again; "You are not worth their love." and "You are worthless and should be on the streets of Hell." When they first started, I didn't believe what it was saying... but when I started going out with Tony, the words started pulling me in farther and farther into oblivion. I don't want to lose him or my family, but I can't help but feel this way.

What is love? The companionship/friendship between a man and woman? What friends feel for each other? I don't love all of my friends... I cherish them; I'm thankful I have friends, but I don't "love" them all. That basic definition I got was ' a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solitude toward a person, an intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.' I know Tony loves me... and I love him, I just think that he deserves someone better than me. I know he thinks that I DO deserve his love, but... I just hate how my mind works. I just want my NORMAL life back and I don't want to cut myself anymore.

Talk Later,
Ashleigh