Author: Jave Harron PM
What happens when the Horseman of War and an Archangel look for the Loch Ness monster? And how is the French Navy involved? Completed!Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 8,687 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 05-28-06 - Published: 06-19-05 - id: 1944009
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Chapter 9: The Face Of The Enemy
Stone and Iwan were handcuffed, gagged, and blindfolded in the chopper when they began to complain to each other. The flight seemed long, but they finally landed after what seemed like an eternity. A steady rocking gave the impression of a ship. They were lead, or rather forced, down several sets of stairs. They were abandoned in a room, when their escorts removed their gags and blindfolds. The escorts soon left, and locked the door behind them.
"Apparently, Iwan, we're on an aircraft carrier," Stone looked around. "And judging by the shoddy wiring, I'd say this is the pathetic French attempt at a supercarrier, the Charles du Gaulle."
"You're being redundant, Stone," Iwan cracked. "I assume we're being brought before the Admiral. How cliché."
Just then, a French-accent voice yelled, "Silence!"
Stone and Iwan saw a strange shape move out before them. It was a levitating toilet, full of feces. When it talked, the lid moved up and down, and turds flew everywhere. There was a pentagram design painted on the lid of the toilet. "Do you fools know who I am?" the talking toilet asked.
"Yeah! The epitome of French culture, or lack therefore of!" Stone snickered. "Only a French toilet would be full of that much shit!"
"Silence, uncivilized dogs!" the toilet ordered. "I am Jacques Petiot, French occultist and proud citizen of France! Since the early twentieth century, I have existed in this form!"
"Yeah. It makes you look good. Certainly better looking than a Frenchwoman," Stone cracked.
"We've read about you. So, why do you summon Nessie in the first place?" Iwan asked.
"I was planning to move my soul into that, and then rule the world! I would have wiped out Spain, Germany, Italy, Britain, and all those other lesser nations, so that the true master race, the French, can rule the world!" the toilet cackled evilly. "Now, I have been waylaid by bureaucracy for decades, but now, I have collected Nessie and will finish the ritual!"
"How did you catch Nessie? Many tried, but all have failed!" Iwan retorted.
"Simple. I saw what your hacking had done, and it was fairly simple to coax the creature to the surface," the French toilet explained. "Some bags of body parts were left over from a serial-killer agent of mine, so I lured it into a cage and flew it onto the deck of this mighty ship!"
"You mean this piece of crap? Yeah, in a few hours, the only way you'll be seeing it is with a glass-bottom boat!" Stone taunted.
"Sacre bleu! I don't get it, you stupid American!" Petiot steamed. "Anyway, you have heard too much! I shall kill you now!"
Stone acted quickly. Using a concealed lock pick, he removed the cuffs from one hand, and spun it around. "It means it will be on the bottom, Frog!" Stone looked around for a weapon.
Just then, he saw one. Grabbing a bottle of French wine on the Admiral's shelf, Stone saw some other things to use. He grabbed a French beret, and stuffed it into the bottle. Then, he grabbed a cigarette lighter near a box of French-made cigarette holders, and lit it on fire.
"Now serving my favorite type of cocktail, Molotov!" Stone exclaimed.
He threw the cocktail at the French toilet, and it landed right in the middle of the bowl. The dried feces inside where the perfectly flammable, causing the toilet bowl to set on fire and start screaming. The fire alarm started going off, and the sprinkler system activated. The rapid change from hot to cold was too much for the possessed crapper, despite being made of ceramics. The toilet exploded, and caused an electrical fire nearby.
Stone undid Iwan's cuffs. "Stay behind me. Knowing the French, Nessie's probably on deck somewhere. They would want to show off their prize a bit, first."
"Yes, but if Nessie gets into the ocean, game over!" Iwan replied.
"When this is over, I will get you all the alcohol you want. How's that sound?" Stone mentioned. "And if we fail, we'll find your analog in this universe, and I will force him to drunkenly vomit on you."
With that, Iwan moved faster and almost darted past Stone. Stone, however, saw most of the French sailors and soldiers were abandoning ship. Stopping into a few armories, he came out with some grenades and incendiaries. Stone would sometimes stop to plant a few, then continue on. When they reached the flight deck, Stone and Iwan saw it.
The cage itself was about as large as a boxcar, and made of metal bars and reinforced glass. Inside was a strange creature. The front of it had two sharp gear-like metal wheels, with two blue orbs that presumably functioned as "eyes" above a mouth with rotating saw-like teeth. Each segment of the creature was made of metal with fins and retractable metal spines on the top. Two tentacles on the bottom were their presumably for food or to crawl on land with.
While Iwan stood their, somewhere between horrified and mesmerized, plenty of things were happening around him. Klaxons were blaring. French soldiers were diving off the edge of the carrier. Others piled into lifeboats. Stone placed several charges on the cage, and then dragged Iwan back. The resulting blast shattered the cage, and left Nessie flopping around on deck. Stone, being a quick thinker, wheeled a cart of munitions and aviation fuel next to the monster. He detonated the remaining charges.
Not only did the explosions cripple several sections of the ship, but also set the fuel on fire. Nessie was simply vaporized. By this time, the carrier was taking on water fast. Iwan looked at Stone with a cross look. "Great job, genius! How the heck are we supposed to get out of here?" he asked a confident Stone.
"Found this in the armory," Stone pulled a small box out, and threw it at the water. On the way down, it rapidly inflated into an emergency raft. "Now, hold on to me. Let's jump into the raft before the Frogs get it."
Iwan closed his eyes, held Stone tight, and blacked out as he jumped off the carrier deck.
Iwan woke up, immediately recognizing his hotel room. Stone entered the room. "I managed to find a radio floating nearby. It was mainly shot, being French-designed and all, but I did manage to get an SOS out."
"How about the French government? Are they going to be after us now?" Iwan asked.
"Nope. The Prime Minister of France, you see, is now denying responsibility, and blames the loss of the Charles du Gaulle on an electrical fire that blew up the ship's reactor," Stone explained. "Never mind the reactor was sealed and didn't contaminate anything. And also never mind there was no radiation leaks, thankfully. They're also denying operating in British soil without permission. The funny thing is, the Admiral was also funding all sorts of terrorist groups. The media will have plenty to feast on for years."
"How about Nessie? And how about Mary?" Iwan asked.
"Nessie is torched, and Mary wants to see us for a victory celebration," Stone replied. "But we have an errand to make, first. It's a bit out of the way, though."
Stone and Iwan got out of the rental car near a Welsh university.
"This is Swansea University," Stone started to explain and pointed to a dormitory. "And in the room I'm pointing to now, your analog is getting drunk now after a hard day of finals."
"So?" Iwan asked.
"I want you to stand just below is window and look up when I yell, "Phantus!" out loud," Stone said. "It's a special code word with him."
Iwan nodded, and went directly below the window. Stone yelled, "Phantus! Chief Monk Bressicke wants to talk with you!" while cupping his hands. "He's right outside your window!"
The plump face of a drunk, unkempt Welshman appeared directly above Iwan. He looked down for a moment, and vomited. It hit Iwan square in the face. The student's head soon went back into the window, and the analog passed out. Stone started snickering to himself.
"Some things never change between people," the Horseman of War said.
Iwan started laughing with Stone, then punched him. A split second later, Iwan was on the ground. Stone pulled Iwan up, and within a few minutes, they had left. Their mission was done, and the celebration would be grand.