Aren’t We Wonderful

A comedy by E. K. W.

(Fallston Middle School, Monday morning)

Narrator (N): we open up to a horrific scene. Emily and her fellow classmates are being tormented by their evil language arts teacher…

Language Arts Teacher (LT): …Your essay is due Tuesday, your poster is due Wednesday, and be prepared to give your speech on Friday. That leaves you 24 hours to get working on that essay!

Students: (groan) awww, man!

Kid: Teacher, I have baseball practice tonight!

LT: Ok, you can have an extra 10 days.

Emily: Teacher, that’s three projects in one week!

LT: SILENCE! I’ve had enough out of you!

Emily: (squints eyes and gives LT evil glare)

(bell rings)

(students run for their lives)

Emily: He’s crazy! He’s off his rocker!!!

Jackie: He’s on a rocker?

Emily: Idiot…(reaches for Jackie’s head)

Jackie: Aaaaa!!! Don’t hit me!

Sarah: (coming out of nowhere) Rar! I have a new boyfriend!

Emily: Is he a pothead too?

Sarah: Of, course he is! When have I ever had a boyfriend who isn’t???

Katie: Like, never.

Sarah: I rest my case.

(arrive at Brownie’s room)

Brownie (B, he’s the French teacher): Hey!!! (jumps around, spazs due to excessive amounts of postum, which is similar to coffee)

Jackie: Brown, am I actually going to understand anything you teach us today?

B: Nope! (spazs again everyone backs away from Brownie) Okay! Do the sponge!

(students grudgingly pull out folders, groaning about translating useless French phrases)

Emily: (pokes other Emily) hey, what does number four say?

Emily: uh…hold on…(puts on glasses) oh! It says “My son wants to eat…shoes.”

Emily: Thanks…

Brownie: Hey! Law firm of Emily and Emily! Stop that gibber jabbering!

(Emily and Emily give him weird looks)

N: Ok, the rest of French class is boring. Moving right along!

(cut to gym class)

Gym Teacher (GT): thirty push ups! Now!!!

Kid: Gym teacher, I’m too fat to do push ups!

GT: Ok, you can just sit their and feed your enormous gut with these.( hands kid sack of extremely greasy, fatty, and unhealthy potato chips)

Kid: (stuffs mouth) Thaff foo ffym thecaeff!!!

GT: Yeah, sure, kid…Hey! No eating in the gym!

(cut to later on in gym period)

Emily: Ooo!! Ooo!! Pass it to me!! I’m open! I can atually shoot a basketball!!! (jumps up and down)

Athletic Kid: Never!!! I must hog the ball all to myself!!!

Emily: Curse you!!!

Athletic Kid: (throws ball at Emily’s head)

Emily: Oww!!! Hey, Gym Teacher, he threw a ball at my head!!

GT: No, he didn’t!

Emily: Yes, he did! What are you talking about?

GT: NO, HE DIDN’T!!! GO SIT ON THE SIDELINES IF YOU REFUSE TO PLAY!!!!

Emily: But I want to play…oh, never mind. (walks off, rubbing head)

N: And so the gym period ends. On to math, the most boring class ever!!!!

Math Teacher (MT): Ok, you guys can pretend to do this ditto that you don’t know how to do while I sit here and do nothing!!!

Students: Yay!!!!

Sarah: So. As I was saying earlier, I have a new boyfriend and he smokes pot….

Emily: Uh-huh…Ok…mmhmmm…..(falls asleep)

Sarah: Rar!!!!

Emily: (shrieks, waking up)

Sarah: Got you!!!

Emily: ugh…

Sarah: Hey, look what I did on my graphing calculator! (hands Emily calculator)

Emily: It says Adam over and over and over and over…

Sarah: Uh-huh!!!!

Emily: ok…

MT: Oh, hey! We have cake because Anne is going back to Holland!!!

Students: Yay!!!

Mark: chocolate cake the best.

Emily: I like the sprinkles!

everyone finishes eating cake

Mark: I can stick my shoulder blades out!

Girls: Ewww!!! that’s gross!!!

Emily: that’s awesome!!!

Jen: I can do this with my thumb! (does something weird with thumb)

Emily: O, yeah! Well, I can put my foot behind my head!

Girls: ewwww!!!!

Mark: Do both of them!

Girls: EWWW!!!!!! OH, MY GAWD!!!

Mark: Hey, Emily, you should become a goth!

Emily: Nah, that’s ok…

(bell rings)

Social Studies Teacher (ST): Now, students, I will drive you to insanity by making you memorize this list of battles and generals and what they did and what time they were born!!! Mwahahahaha!!!

(class runs for their lives for the second time that day)

Emily: gasping for air where are we?

Jackie: I don’t know…

Mark: I think we’re in the woods behind the school. (stands up)

Jackie and Emily: (stand up also)

Emily: Hey, what’s that? (points to little stick people)

Everyone: It’s….AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! (run to cafeteria)

(everyone sits down at table)

Emily: KATIE! Why aren’t you eating anything?

Katie: Well, you see my grandma came to visit over the weekend and she has the BIGGEST appetite…

Jackie and Dakotah: (shake heads)

Jackie: You know, we have a very good view of Ian from here

Emily: (nods) And Casey, too…(gets dreamy look in her eyes)

Jackie: (laughs, smacks Emily)

Emily: Ack!! What was that for?

Jackie: You smacked me earlier!

Emily: so? (Jackie and Emily get into girly fight)

Dakotah: Break it up!!!

Jackie and Emily: Fine…

LT: (walks up to table) So, have any of you started that essay? grins evil grin

Jackie: We haven’t even left school yet!!!

Emily: Curse you, Language Arts Teacher!!!!

N: and I think we’ll skip the next two periods too…or we could zoom in on the evil Language Arts teacher and the evil Social Studies teacher’s conversation…yes, yes, let’s do that.

ST: yes, yes, mmhmmm. I like that idea, evil Language Arts teacher…

LT: really? Do you think it will work?

ST: Of course! Those cafeteria ladies will never know…we’ll sneak in after they leave and add it to the pizza grease…everybody knows that’s all the kids eat…

LT: Excellent, evil Social Studies Teacher! Pure Brilliance!

ST: why, thank you!!!

N: ok, that was sooo not worth it. Back to cafeteria. Hold on, I have to whisper something to Emily first…

Emily: (Rushes up to front of the lunch room) Don’t eat the pizza! It’s poisoned! Our evil Language Arts teacher and evil Social Studies teacher poisoned it!!!

Students with pizza: (begin frothing at the mouth) Help us! Help us! We’re meeeeltiiing!!!!

(students with pizza are nothing more that globs of slime)

Girls: Ewwww!!!!! Oh, my gawd!!!!

Principal: Silence!!!!

Students: Who’s she? I’ve never seen her before…

Principal: I am the principal! Be quiet! (kicks at now-melted student) Come on, get up! How dare you make me come out of my office and break my ten year record!!!!

PA system: Due to the recent melting of a few of out students, the school will close early. You can all go home now.

Students (with the exception of the melted ones): Yay!!!!

N: ..which brings us to an end of Emily’s average, not-so-normal day in middle school. Hope you enjoyed it! Emily sure didn’t!!!

The End