Little White Mints

Chapter 5: Ignorance

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At first, I didn’t know how to react. I just stared at her, my body paralyzed for the moment. I felt vulnerable, unprotected, defenseless. My silence was no longer my shield. Heck, it had never been my shield. She had still known.

On instinct, I slammed the door, completely ignoring what Georgina would think, and ran up to my room, totally disregarding the TV. I slammed the door loud enough to get some yells from my family, but at that moment it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Just the fact that someone knew.

Anxiety and curiosity took over. How much did she know? Had she told anyone? What were her motives? The churning in my stomach alone was going to kill me.

I ran to my window and looked down onto the street. Georgina was walking away, calmly and collectively. I assumed that she knew why I must’ve slammed the door on her. Still, I felt bad and wondered what she was really thinking. Did I hurt her feelings? Was she going to ask for the cell phone back? Did she think I was insane?

I pried my eyes away from the outside and turned back to the darkness in my room. My stomach was making me sicker than ever, almost as bad during the days after the incident. I was always nervous. I had been getting better since then, but I was still always nervous.

I saw my reflection in the mirror on my dresser. I looked wounded, lifeless, desolate. My eyes were hollow and barren, their color a deep and depressing green, dark circles embedded below my eyelids. My hair was knotted in a tangled mess, giving me a wild look. I was almost like a zombie, half-dead and wondering why I was still on earth.

I couldn’t stand looking at myself, yet I did it all the time. I uncontrollably broke down and cried again, like so many times before. Those horrible thoughts came back to me. Why didn’t I just die? Then Rocky could’ve been locked up forever and wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore. He wouldn’t be able to threaten me with death because I would already be dead. And I could just go into my eternal sleep, escape from this pointless life!

I cried and cried for hours, it seemed, and by the time my eyes were dry and empty, I just lay there on the floor in the silence. It took me a little while to realize that the TV was still on and playing the South Park marathon.

---

Matt called that night. No one had been home because they went to watch Patrick play soccer. I let the machine take a message. He wanted me to call him. I wrote myself a note and deleted the message so my family wouldn’t know. The last thing I needed was my brothers’ teasing. That would push me over the line.

I curled up in my misery on the couch, Julius snuggled faithfully beside me. Empty mugs once filled with hot tea surrounded me. I was still watching South Park. I assumed that it would cheer me up, but I hadn’t cracked a smile all day. Not once.

I still felt bad about Georgina. I wanted to call her to apologize, but my body was too afraid to do it. I dared myself a million times, but I was always chicken.

Then the phone rang.

I dragged myself off my ass and checked the Caller ID. My heart jumped into my throat. It was Georgina.

Perfect.

I picked up.
“Hello?” I heard a voice say.

Nothing. I wouldn’t let myself say anything.

“Kiri, I know it’s you. I saw the rest of your family leave about an hour ago. Err, that sounded like I’m a stalker, didn’t it?”

Stalker. Rocky was my stalker, not Georgina.

“Well, anyway, I understand why you slammed the door on me. You were in shock, and I respect the fact that you needed to digest the news. Still, I think we need to talk.”

Oh, God.

“I’m planning to come over your house tomorrow after church, say around… one-ish. Say something if that won’t work.”
I said nothing.

“Alright, I’ll see you then. Bye, Kiri.”

I heard the phone go dead.

It took a minute or two for my brain to tell my arm to put the phone down. There I stood, Julius gazing up at me with worry, and the sounds of Kenny dying in the background.

---

I woke up the next morning at 12:16. Shit.

I hastily got dressed and made myself look decent. Even after I had washed my face and brushed my hair, I still looked like crap. Well, it wasn’t important.

I saw Georgina out of the foyer window before she could ring the doorbell. I opened it as soon as she set foot on the stoop.

“Hi, Kiri!”

It was like she was coming over to watch chick flicks and laugh instead of discussing a serious matter. She was smiling, still dressed in her church clothes, not seeming to realize how horrible I was feeling.

I had recuperated somewhat. Yet still, it was so weird. It felt so weird. No longer was I alone. Someone knows, someone knows. Someone knows my horrid secret, my mind kept chanting.

More or less, someone had known my secret all along. That made it feel even more unsettling; all of this time I thought I was keeping it to myself and no one knew, but I had been ignorant.

My stomach was squirming around and around again; it reminded me of a toilet swirling down into the depths of the sewers. There was just so much crap that had been building up inside me, so much complete and utter bullshit that it was going to make me pour out the whole story to Georgina.

But the thing was, I didn’t want to. It was all happening so quickly, and I didn’t want to reveal the full truth yet.

I hurriedly invited her inside, taking a few glances around the neighborhood to see if Rocky was lurking anywhere. Don’t be ridiculous, I told myself. Nervously, I closed the front door and whirled around to see Georgina. The cheerful smile seemed to brighten up the foyer that was so musty with gloom. She was so out of place.

I led her to my room and shut the door.

Turning to her, I took a deep breath and asked, “How much do you know?”

She looked at me, her soft brown curls bouncing as she turned her head, and said, “Probably not as much as you think I do.”

I nodded, my feet glued to my position on the floor. They wouldn’t move until I discovered how much she really knew. It had been killing me.

“Well…then tell me what you do know.” I was beginning to shake.

Georgina put on a thoughtful look, as though thinking back. She finally replied. “Well…it was more than a month ago, correct? Yes, I thought so. Well, anyway, I was returning from Alex’s house - we’ve been going out, did you know? - and I was approaching your house. Then I saw Rocky’s car in the driveway.

“As I was walking past your front door, that’s when I heard the scream. I knew it was you, I could tell. And there was fear in your cry, I could sense it. I was so shocked, so petrified, that I couldn’t move.” She took a breath. “A part of me told me to run, but a part of me was more concerned about your safety. That part took over.
“I hid in the bushes outside of your doorstep, and it wasn’t too long after that I heard Rocky’s stifled shrieks. Then I saw him running out the door, carrying…” She paused. “Carrying a…”

“I know.” That’s all I could say. “I know.”

Georgina’s smile was gone. Her lips became a thin line because she knew how serious the whole matter was. “Okay. Well, at first I thought…I thought…you were…”

“Dead?” The word came out of me with a squeak.

Her expression was grave. “Yes. But then I heard you cry. I asked for Jesus to protect you. I was sure He would.

“Anyway, after Rocky had driven away that’s when I finally ran home. I didn’t want to tell you… I didn’t want to pry. But I’ve always prayed for you. I’ve always kept a note in the back of my mind to do something nice for you. And so I have.”

The cell phone was laying on my dresser. I hadn’t touched it since the day before.

My feet finally let me move, and I was able to relax a little. She knew the gist of it, but she didn’t know everything. I didn’t want her to know everything.

If Rocky ever found out… My excuses would be disregarded, just like how I had disregarded the TV the day before. It wouldn’t matter that I hadn’t told the story to Georgina, that she had told it to me. She still knew.

Georgina was suddenly in as much danger as I was.

---

I kindly asked Georgina if I could assimilate everything for a little while, just take it all in and be alone again. She nodded, and I walked her downstairs, waving to her as she started back towards her house.

She was so understanding, unlike most of the people I knew. I needed a friend like her.

I sprinted back up the stairs and collapsed onto my bed, it giving a satisfied plump. I was surprised that I could still move, still carry around my soulless body. This whole situation had completely drained me to the point of exhaustion. I wanted to think, to go over everything in my mind, but my brain was tired of thinking, sapped of all energy. But it wasn’t like I could just stop thinking. Just like my body couldn’t stop moving.

I stared at the cracks in my ceiling. It had taken them years to get there while it had only taken one night for the cracks in my heart to break in. And those cracks had grown bigger and wider over the past month, making me bleed, oozing with horrible pain. If only my heart was as strong as plaster.

I buried under my blankets, shivering like a madman. I lay there for ages, yet I still never grew any warmer. My forehead was hot. I took my temperature. 101.2.

Could I really be sick from heartache?

---

“Don’t worry, something’s going around,” Sarah assured me. “My sister has it, too. And now she thinks that she has the right to order people around. She’s being a little obnoxious brat, commanding us to do stuff for her.”

I would’ve laughed, but I just wasn’t in the mood. “I see.”

There was a pause. “Is something bothering you?”

“I just told you!” I retorted, “I have a goddamn fever!”

“That’s not what I meant!” she snapped. “I meant… Like, in your mind? Don’t think that I haven’t noticed your mood lately, Kiri. You’ve been acting strange ever since the break-up.” It seemed like she was daring to say it. It sounded tainted with extreme caution.

“Then why didn’t you say anything before?” I asked.

“Because I thought that…”

“That I would be mad if you were wrong?” I questioned. “You didn’t want to cause conflict?”

“Yeah…” She seemed surprised.
“By watching everybody for all this time, I’ve been able to notice the bullshit that people pull each and every day,” I explained. “They think that by not pointing out the truth, they are avoiding conflict and preventing drama. However, the fact that they are living a lie is what causes the drama in the first place!”

I could imagine Sarah smiling. “You’re right.”

“I know.”

She laughed. A laugh. It felt good to hear happiness. “Well, just remember, if you ever need to talk about anything, I’m here. Okay?”

I gave a sigh. “Okay.”

“Well, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

“Bye.”

I hung up the receiver and massaged my temples. Living a lie. Those words echoed in my mind. Way to be entirely hypocritical.

---

As I was about to walk to the kitchen for a snack, I noticed the note that I had placed on my desk the night before. Call Matt. I was in a better mood. It wouldn’t hurt.

I brought back a bag of chips and picked up the phone again. I started to dial the number when I realized that I had no idea what I wanted to say. Maybe we could go somewhere again. I needed a good distraction.

The phone rang three times until someone finally picked up. “Hello?”

“Hello, this is Kiri Walsh. May I speak to Matt, please?”

“You are.”

“Oh.”

“So what’s up?” he asked. “I guess you got my message.”

“Yeah,” I replied, “I’m bored out of my mind. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out somewhere.”

“Sure!” he exclaimed immediately, his voice filled with enthusiasm. “Uh, so, um, where were you thinking?”

I shrugged, even though I know that he couldn’t see me do it. “I dunno. Have any ideas?” I didn’t want to do anything too romantic, nothing to give him any more ideas. Although, I thought to myself, this probably is giving him enough ideas already.

“Not really, to tell you the truth.”

“Same.” I twirled a piece of hair around my finger. I needed a haircut; it was nothing but split-ends.

“How about a movie?” he seemed to squeak into the phone.
I was about to immediately react with a, “No!”, but instead I controlled myself and replied, “Nah, not in the mood.”

I couldn’t even go near a movie theater, much less set foot in one. So many situations flashed through my head. He would control me, push me down…

I remember when we went to the movies, Rocky and I. The first couple times had been fine, they had just been like any other movie date. We got our tickets, bought some candy, watched the movie holding hands, and my date took my home, ending with a goodnight kiss. It had actually gotten pretty routinely, but it was a date. However, it was our third one where I started to see the real side of Rocky.

We were watching an intense part of some random action film that we settled on seeing. I was honestly becoming very bored, already predicting the end of the movie. Rocky seemed just as uninterested.

Suddenly, he turned me and said. “I’m bored. Are you?”

“Immensely.” I looked at him, trying to send a look that said, I want to leave.

I don’t know if he honestly translated that gaze as meaning something else, or if he just used it as an excuse to get what he wanted.

“Well, then,” he casually began, “let me make you un-bored.”

“Un-bored isn’t a wo-” I couldn’t finish my sentence. The mints had filled my senses. He had forced me into a kiss.

His arms were so strong, his grip binding me so I couldn’t move. For the first time I felt fear, I wanted to stop. But he kept kissing me and biting my lip, almost making it bleed. I think he wanted the taste of blood. Heck, now that I think about it, he probably liked it. He liked the taste of fear, panic, and terror. I couldn’t bear to think that maybe someone was watching us. But the theater was barely half-full, and we were towards the back. But who cared? All I wanted was Rocky to stop.

It seemed like a hour before he finally had his enough of his fun. I pulled away with great relief, looking at him with questioning eyes.

He could only grin. “That made things more interesting, don’t you think?”

I only stared at him. Why?

And as though nothing had happened, he turned back to the screen.

How could I have been so stupid? Why did I just shrug it off? I could’ve just broken up with him then and there! Ugh, I was so-

“Kiri?”

Oh, great, I thought to myself, another flashback. “Yeah?” I peeped.

“You weren’t answering.” Matt sounded concerned.

“Sorry,” I said, “I zoned out. I was thinking about where to go.”

“Oh, I see.” All worry had disappeared. “Did you decide?”

“Yeah. Let’s just go out for ice cream again,” I said, “but at a closer location this time. We can figure out what to do from there.”

“Sounds good,” he said, “Meet you at the Ben and Jerry’s on Elm Street in a half an hour?”

“That should be alright. Okay, see you then.”

This is good, I thought to myself as I set down the phone, I’m giving myself a life again.

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Wow. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Haha, I’m really sorry. I know that I should make my chapters longer, but I just want to post something after no activity from this story for so long. I’m just happy that I finally was able to finish this chapter after multiple tries. Well, like I said, reviews fuel my ambition to write, so review away!