It takes pure strength to be a tooth fairy.

I’m tellin’ ya, to be successful in the tooth fairy business ya hafta be tough as nails. Workin’ days an’ nights, hardly a coffee break, an’ most of your days are all-nighters. An’ there’s no vacation. Teeth don’t stop fallin’ when the fairies start stallin’.

San’a Claus an’ th’ Easter Bunny and all them big celebrities have got it made. I mean, they only work once a year. Everyone thinks San’a works so hard to make all his good little toys for all th’ good little children, but it’s easy ta’ see its elf labor. San’a doesn’t get up in th’ mornin’ an’ start makin’ toys. He wakes up in th’ mornin’ an’ starts tellin’ th’ elf’s ta make toys. Oh no, ya say, but on Chrism’s Eve, he works twice as hard as any ol’ tooth fairy. Well, lemme tell ya this. How can ‘e possibly visit every house in th’ world in one night? It’s obvious th’ elf’s do that too.

Tooth fairies work twice as ‘ard as anyone ya can think of, an’ ya never see anyone linin’ up at th’ mall to get a picture with us. N’body stays up all night in front of the chimmenneny waitin’ fer us. Ever heard a carol th’ night before we come?

So we tooth fairies have an excuse.

Listen, you got kids’ heads squishin’ you every night, you gotta carry a bag fulla teeth everywhere ya go, an’ ya don’t even get yer own hol’day, you gonna get a wee bit mad, right? An’ when San’a Claus and Cupid and th’ Easter Bunny an’ Sain’ Patrick start braggin’ to ya ‘bout no work and lotsa pay, you know you’re gonna want some r’venge, right?

Right. An’ so we tooth fairies did what we had ta do. It’s not my fault. Blame instinct. Blame Chrism’s. Blame anythin’ ya want. But don’ blame me, ‘cause it wasn’t my fault.

Sure, it w’s my idea at firs’. Brilliant. A picture purf’ct plan. But was Butch who spread it aroun’. Always had a big mouth, that one did. Got all the fairies riled up. I gave ‘em what they wanted. R’venge.

I won’t name any names, but there were a couple fairies who seemed… a wee bit too excited. They’re th’ ones ya want. Not me.

It started out innocent. Justa few days’ strike fer some recocegnition. Kids wake up with teeth und’r their p’llows, th’y might start leavin’ milk and cookies by their bedside. Ya know, ya nev’r know what ya got till it goes away. We were only gonna be gone a week at th’ most.

But ah, sweet r’laxation. It was just too good. We couldn’t go back yet. We were livin’ on the roof of some resort in the Caribbean. Sun, sand, waves, ya know, great stuff. Anuther week couldn’t hurt, right?

But n’body came lookin’ fer us. I mean, af’er two weeks of bein’ gone, wouldn’tcha think someb’dy would miss us? But no. They were all fine an’ dandy with Chrism’s an’ Valentine’s an’ Easter an’ New Year’s. They didn’t need us. They had celebrities. Why settle for just tooth fairies when you can have it all?