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Title: The If
The If and its characters, settings, and plot are mine. Please do not take, alter, distribute, or archive without my permission.
Though Laiya woke early the next morning, just as the first rays of sunlight broke the horizon, she remained in the small captain’s bunk until she heard Bert’s heavy footsteps descending the stairwell. She’d been pleased to discover the craft was larger than she’d expected; the owner obviously expected to be on the river for days at a time. There were two rooms aside from what she assumed had been the captain’s quarters. Given, none of the rooms were large, barely having enough room to stretch out but it was better than sleeping above decks in the open.
“Laiya?” Bert’s voice sounded metallic as it filtered through the tin door. “Would you like some coffee?”
Her stomach rumbled at the thought- she hadn’t had a cup of coffee in… ages. “Are you sure it’s still good?”
“If you trust River’s taste, it’s fantastic,” Bert told her very seriously, but she could imagine the wry smile on his face. Both of them knew River’s horrible tendency to eat and drink the wildest of things. It sent a fresh spike of loss through her heart to think of how little time left she had to enjoy his quirks.
“Since when do I trust the judgment of a fifteen year old boy?” she asked, rolling out of the warm bed and hissing on contact with the freezing metal floor. “Or any boy,” she grumbled, shoving her shoes into her ragged looking shoes. When they reached the next town she swore she was going to find herself a new pair, despite how she hated learning to morph new articles of clothing.
She opened the door and Bert offered her one of his slow, peaceful smiles. “What would you like to do about breakfast? River offered to catch some fish and if I were you, I’d let him. He didn’t sleep last night; been prowlin’ the deck like a caged lion.”
“I’m not surprised,” she said distantly. “I’ll talk to him.”
Honestly, talking to River was the last thing she wanted at that moment. She would have been perfectly content to climb the ten steps in front of her, pour a cup of coffee, and watch the swirling wake as it disappeared behind the boat. Talking to River wasn’t going to change anything; it wasn’t going to help either of them. She’d do it, she knew, not because she wanted to but because it was habit. It was familiar. It felt better somehow than just ignoring everything or trying to face what was coming.
River probably felt the same. He was as well aware of what was happening to him as she was. He knew what changes would take place and he had to know that they’d already begun. Pacing was one of the things he hated- he’d told her once that it was what the If did. Pacing was for someone who had lost their way or themselves and in all the time she’d known him, he’d never done it.
If it had gotten that far, if he was already beginning to pick up the motions of the If, what else had changed, she thought sadly. What was waiting for them at the top of the stairs? When she turned the corner, was she going to see the changes? She had always loved his eyes- they were such a stark shade of green. But she knew that the If only had two eye colors; red for those who’d had brown eyes and white for any other color. She hated to think of River losing those beautiful green eyes to the dull white of the disease.
“Laiya?” Bert called softly, pulling her attention away from her thoughts.
She blinked, realizing that she’d halted halfway up the stairs, frozen in thought. With a shake of her head, she began to climb again, offering her friend an apologetic smile. “Sorry, forgot what I was doing.”
Though he said nothing, his expression didn’t change; he was worried about her. Together they moved up the few remaining steps until she could see the sparkling blue waters in front of the boat. It felt serene in a way she hadn’t experienced in ages. The nagging, twisting feeling that they were being followed had subsided, replaced with the gentle calm of knowing that nothing bad swam in the waters around them. For once they were safe.
Relatively.
Turning, she cast her gaze about the long deck of the boat and spotted River. He was sitting stone-still on the port side of the boat, staring blankly into space. His legs dangled over the edge of the boat, bare feet splashing through the water, and he’d folded his arms along the lower bar of the rusting, silvery railing. She swallowed the feeling of relief that welled when she saw him; other than looking a little pale, he seemed unchanged.
Very briefly she touched Bert’s arm, silently asking him to stay as she moved to River’s side. The boy glanced up at her as she approached but he did not blink. For a moment they merely stared searchingly, each trying to determine where the other’s mind was. It was River that dropped his eyes and turned away first, returning his emerald gaze to the water. Relaxing, she took a seat silently beside him, eyes drifting over his profile with infinite slowness as she hunted for the right words.
“What’s on your mind?” she asked at last, feeling exhausted at having to resort to such a simple question. He hated when she asked that question and she knew it. It was the sort of question that even on the best of days he wouldn’t answer.
“The river’s beautiful in the morning,” he said quietly.
They both knew it wasn’t an answer she wanted to hear, but she let the subject drop anyway. If he didn’t want to talk about it, he wouldn’t and she knew better than to waste both of their time. “Bert said you wanted to go fishing,” she said carefully after another minute.
“If it’s okay.” His voice was dull and tired and she sighed.
“Yeah, it’s fine.” Her shoulders slumped the tiniest bit when she spoke. He was ignoring the situation just like she wanted to ignore it but for some reason that hurt more than recognizing what was going to happen. “Just…” she trailed off guiltily, unable to finish. Unable to pretend.
“Keep the boat in sight,” he finished for her, a little more bitterly than he’d intended. “I will.”
She watched as he pulled his feet out of the water to kneel on the deck, watched as his clothes melted into silvery, waterproof fur. Seconds later she faced a sleek little river otter. He gave her a flickering, thoughtful look from behind River’s green eyes before slipping into the glittering water. She could barely see him as he swam beneath the surface, the silver of his fur blending almost perfectly with the rippling whitecaps of the river currents. She bade him a silent good luck just before she lost sight of him.
“You two… you’re not normal,” said a silky voice behind Laiya a second later. She startled and turned to face Cairn.
He leaned casually against the wall of the stairwell cover, watching her with ocean-blue eyes. Apparently he had found at least some clothing in his bunk because he was now wearing a pair of loose black pants that looked as if they might fall off his slim hips at any moment. He looked as if he needed at least ten good meals, ribs and hip-bones painfully prominent. Beside him sat the large black form of his twin; a wolf watching her with human eyes. After seeing his twin in human form she could see the wasted lines in the wolf form as well. Cairn held out a gaudy pink coffee mug, steaming still with fresh brew, and gave her a calculating look.
Amused, she chuckled and rose to accept the proffered cup. “In case you haven’t noticed, none of us are.”
He watched her take a seat on one of the old red seats before laying his now free hand atop his brother’s head, petting slowly between the soft ears. His fingers were long and bony, further evidence of his need to eat properly. “You’re not usual, then. You aren’t human but you aren’t really Were either. Neither of you are.”
“Oh?” she said as though he had just told her she had a spot of dirt on her clothes. “What makes you say that?”
“That boy has more than two forms,” Cairn said, as though expecting her question, “and they are silver.”
“And me?”
“You smell the same as him. Different.” He watched her carefully, trying to decide how much he wanted to reveal that he knew. Finally he shifted and cast his eyes to the floor, finding it easier to speak that way. “You smell like nothing and everything. It… makes us nervous.”
She smiled. The smell of her kind, the True Were, had always made animals a little nervous. “We are nothing and everything, boys, so I’m not surprised to hear you say we smell like it.”
“What are you?” he asked tonelessly, hand stilling atop his brother’s head.
To the side, over the edge of the boat, there was an unnatural splash. Slipping off her chair, she made it to the rail just as River popped back up, tossing a thrashing fish onto the deck. He gave the two wolven a sullen look as he shook himself free of water. She made a grab for the fish, letting her fingers extend into sharp claws as she made contact. River watched curiously as she killed it cleanly and then looked to her, whiskers twitching. Before she could say anything, though, he’d disappeared back into the water.
She looked back to the wolven, briefly wondering what they had done to receive such a nasty look from the normally unexpressive River. They both stared placidly back, still awaiting an answer to Cairn’s earlier question. She smiled, settling herself on the edge of the deck and tossing the fresh kill to Jullien.
“We are you, but older,” she said simply as he neatly caught the fish. “We are what the Were used to be, before they began to forget themselves.”
“I thought your kind were gone,” said Jullien, quite unexpectedly. Though he had partially morphed, he remained seated at his brother’s feet, one clawed hand over the fish he’d set on the floor. “Father used to speak of the purebloods like they were legends.”
She smiled, taking a sip of her coffee. “We are legends,” she said quietly, not making eye contact. “River and I are probably the last of our kind.”
“In a way,” said Cairn ruefully, “aren’t we all?” He sighed and fidgeted, looking out over the water. “I mean, this infection has practically wiped out humanity. If anyone’s managed to survive, they’re probably only living like you and that kid. If they can run fast enough, they can live to keep running.”
“If…” she repeated with a resigned nod, before looking over to them again. “Your dad- was he wolven?” She was aware how carefully the Were had hidden their existence from those who had lost the ability to change. It only took one parent to carry on the gene in the children.
Both nodded and Cairn gave a twisted sort of smile. “Mom too. They were pathology researchers at a university.”
“They were working on the infection before it…” Jullien trailed off, his features wavering between wolf and human as though he were going to lose control of his in-between state. “Well, he didn’t find out much anyway- nothing that could save people from getting infected.”
“I’m not surprised,” Laiya said quietly. “I’m not an expert or anything but I don’t think there is a way to keep from getting infected- everyone already is.”
“You said that. Last night you said the infection only affects you if you kill. Father thought…” Cairn trailed off, lost in thought for a moment. “He said a lot of things that didn’t make sense or that made people mad.
“Nobody wanted to hear they were already infected,” Jullien added, a note of anger creeping into his voice. “He was looking to test a cure the last time we ever saw him- went out into the field and didn’t come back alive.” As if dismissing the conversation, he dropped his human form and turned sharp teeth to the fish at his feet.
River returned then, dropping another fish into her waiting hands. He didn’t stay long enough to see what happened to it and she wondered again if there was something other than the change on his mind. He never avoided her for very long. She absently killed the struggling fish before lobbing it in Cairn’s direction. He simply stared at her like he didn’t know what she wanted him to do.
“I want the two of you to eat your fill first- you look like you could use it.” She eyed their sickly-thin forms skeptically as she spoke, much to their chagrin.
“Why bother,” Cairn said dully. “We won’t make it anyway.”
Jullien didn’t seem to follow the same philosophy as his brother, nabbing the second fish and starting on it. She smiled, looking up to Cairn with an amused look. “You never know. I figure as long as you’re alive, there’s a chance whereas if you’re dead… that’s pretty much it.”
“You’re awfully optimistic, considering you’re about to lose someone important to you. Once he’s changed, he’ll be as good as dead,” Cairn said callously. “Don’t you think?”
“No,” she said sharply. “I don’t think.”
Cairn’s stance didn’t waver in the least. “You said you wouldn’t let the If have him. Does that mean you’re going to kill him?”
“Yes.” She forced herself to remain in control, not breaking his solid gaze. “I meant what I said- I won’t let it take him.”
“I don’t think you can,” Cairn said quietly. “Kill him, that is. You’re alike but not the same.”
It wasn’t so much a challenge as a statement and so she let it go. She silently reminded herself that these boys had probably been through almost as much as she had and at a much, much younger age. They were smarting still from losing the rest of their family; their world, like hers, had probably fallen to pieces ages ago and she knew from experience how hard it was to put it all back together. On top of all of that they were facing a change that she could imagine scared them. She was scared and it wasn’t even happening to her.
Before she’d thought of an appropriate response, the topic of their previous discussion slapped wetly onto the deck beside her. River threw a venomous look at the wolven when he saw where both his previous catches had gone. Noticing the ire as she grabbed his third fish, Laiya ran her fingers gently through River’s thick, wet fur and murmured a reassurance. He gave her almost as scathing a glare and disappeared back into the water. She called exasperatedly after him, but couldn’t help smiling at his anger.
It was, after all, a little hard to take a disgruntled otter seriously.
“You seem to have incurred his wrath,” she said as soon as she was sure River wouldn’t hear. “What happened?”
Cairn’s lip curled in distaste. “I called him a damn fool for chasin’ after you instead of waiting safely.” He refused to meet her eyes as he took a sip of the cooling coffee in his hands. “He is, too. You would have been fine without him.”
“And it took both of you to kill your brother, did it?” she said quietly in River’s defense. Both boys flinched and she tried to smooth over the jibe. “Sometimes loyalty gets to be too strong. Yes, I could have made it out alive but River couldn’t have known that for sure. If it were Jullien in my position, can you honestly say you wouldn’t have tried to help- no matter the consequence?”
Cairn looked away as she tossed the third fish to his brother as well. Jullien didn’t touch it, looking curiously between them. “That’s different. River isn’t your blood.”
“He’s mine in heart,” she said, without hesitation. “He’s as close as I’ll ever come again to having kin.”
“He’s not your kin,” Cairn said sharply, lips curling in a distinctly wolfish fashion. “And he won’t ever be. He’s not like you.”
“Cairn, don’t,” Jullien interrupted before Laiya could fashion a suitable response. “The day is too short for fighting friends. They’ve done nothing to harm us.”
Though he looked disgusted at the words, Cairn subsided with a mumbled apology. The trio sat in silence for a few more minutes until River returned a fourth time, spitting a limp fish onto the deck and dropping his otter form. With an irritated scowl, Cairn turned away from them all and disappeared down the stairwell. River, for his part, could not have looked more pleased to see him go if he’d tried.
Odd, she thought, that he didn’t seem to have the same problem with Jullien.
“Cold?” she inquired softly when she noticed River’s hands shaking as he began to pick at the fish he’d caught. He nodded and she could see the tiny shivers that contracted his muscles. “Take that shirt off and let it dry, then, you goose. Keep an eye on things while I’m gone.”
It wasn’t clear to whom she was speaking and River and Jullien both gave her a detached, curious look as she rose, bending to place her coffee mug on the deck. She smiled for them, pushing away the weariness the gesture seemed to draw out from within her. Stilling her thoughts, she moved to the side of the boat and removed her shoes before letting her form begin to shift. Bones contracted and moved, muscles strengthened, shape changed. It was only a matter of seconds before she poised on the edge beneath the rail, human form lost to her own silvered otter morph.
The boys sat in silence as she disappeared into the river, dipping and swirling away into the rippling waters. Jullien picked quietly at the fish in his clawed hands, casting River quick, inquisitive glances from beneath lowered lashes. He was curious about the other boy, for sure- and not just because he was the first pure-blooded Were Jullien had ever met. River was… different. Strange. There was something in his scent that made Jullien’s thoughts seize up, just a tiny bit; like his instincts knew to be afraid of the boy, even if his conscious mind didn’t know why. Not even Laiya’s presence did that to him.
“Why… why does she call you River…?” he asked timidly after a few minutes had passed.
Glancing up, River locked eyes with the wolven boy and stared, unmoving. He seemed to decide that the question was meant innocently, however, and returned to scraping bits of meat from the fish he’d kept. “It’s my name.”
“Is it?” Jullien ducked his head submissively when River looked up sharply. “I just… I mean, you don’t act like it is- that’s all.”
River’s eyes narrowed at the statement. “How do you mean.”
Shrugging, Jullien dropped his eyes to the fish in his hands, plucking nervously at the scales and popping them off with tiny clicks. “When she calls your name it’s like she’s called someone you know. You still look, but you pause first like you’re not sure she means you.” He risked a quick glance before ducking his head again. “I could be wrong.”
Silence fell thick and heavy between them until Jullien could no longer sit still under the weight of it. He toyed anxiously with the bony remains of the fish he’d been holding for a few seconds before looking back to River, only to find him still staring. They studied one another without a word and eventually River returned to methodically removing flesh from his kill. Thinking that perhaps he’d been wrong to say anything, that perhaps he’d offended the other boy, Jullien sighed dejectedly and dropped his gaze.
“There’s a blank…” River’s nose wrinkled and his fingers paused in cleaning the thin white bones, as if he were trying to recall something particularly difficult. “Laiya says that she found me lying in a gutter, murmuring to myself. She says she took me out of the gutter and out of the city and out of danger.” He looked up and cocked his head to the side a minute amount, still thinking. “But you know… I don’t remember any gutter. I don’t remember which city we left or what danger I’d been in when she arrived. All I remember is opening my eyes one morning and realizing I was not where I started and the people around me weren’t the people I knew. I don’t remember the people I knew.”
Jullien didn’t know what to say to that and so he simply stared back at the boy uncertainly. He hadn’t meant to pry and he wasn’t sure that he was comfortable with River’s answer. The other boy unnerved him still and the calm way that he spoke about his past didn’t help. It was like he was not whole in some way; like he’d become detached from everything because he had no better way to cope.
“But I don’t suppose you’d know anything about that,” River said with some amount of finality as he returned to his breakfast.
Though he felt the urge to bare teeth at the tone – he spoke the way people spoke to a family pet that had neither the voice nor intelligence to respond – Jullien refrained. “No,” he said quietly and a bit coldly. “I don’t suppose I would.”
The sound of water rushing past as they floated easily downstream was the only sound for a few minutes. Laiya returned twice with thoroughly dead fish, dropping them at River’s side before dropping backwards into the water once more. They ate in peace, allowing the gentle rocking of the boat to lull them into relaxation. Now that they were so far past the riverside city, the wildlife had begun to make itself known- birds called from the treetops, whistling and chirruping to one another. It left the air with a strangely out-of-place feeling of happiness.
“It wasn’t,” River said suddenly, startling the wolven, who had thought the conversation well over. He gave a reserved, distant smile and a small shake of his head. “My name. It know it wasn’t River before but… a name’s an easy thing to lose in this world. I’d rather be River than anyone I might have been before she found me.”
Laiya returned for a third time then, splashing River with spring-cold water and giving them both curious, whisker-twitching looks. They stared mutely back and for a second she saw a bit of River in Jullien. They both had that same eerily-still way of sitting, watching whatever she did with unblinking eyes. She had always found the trait unnatural in River but it was just as strange in the wolven boy. Dropping her large kill and shaking off her otter form, she gave them both a wan smile.
“Water’s freezing,” she commented, trying to keep her teeth from chattering now that she didn’t have a thick, warm fur coat. Her clothes were soaked but it actually felt nice in the hot light of the late-morning sun. “What did I miss?”
“Nothing,” River said quietly, picking the last of the meat from the fish he held.
“I just asked why you call him River,” Jullien said at almost the same time. The boys looked quickly at one another.
“Aye, and did he tell you?” She glanced between them, wondering if they were telling the truth.
“Some,” Jullien answered truthfully, bringing his gaze back around to her.
She smiled as she took a seat and began cleaning her latest catch. “I see. It was the only word he’d say for near two years.”
Wolfish ears pricking up a little, Jullien glanced to River once more. “Truly?”
Shrugging, River didn’t bother looking. “I don’t know. I told you I don’t remember.” His voice was back to being sullen and withdrawn. “I don’t want to, either.”
Ignoring them for a moment, Laiya savored the flavor of the freshly caught meal. There were few things in the world that had been left clean enough to enjoy in such a raw state; fish happened to be one of them. Almost everything else, even some of the plants, tasted vaguely of infection – though she had discovered that they were not actually infected - and disease and those that did not were coated in soot from the fires that still burned the world over.
It was the gentle flutter of sound as the wolven boy changed and moved away from them that drew her attention back to the rest of the world. She didn’t make a move to stop him as he retreated to below the deck, following the same path his brother had taken.
Laiya glanced to River as soon as the other boy had left, but he was paying her no attention at all. Instead he was focused on picking clean the bones of his fish, glaring at them as if they had done him some sort of personal offense. Guilt once again bubbled in her gut at the look on his young face, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask what he was thinking. Though she wanted so badly to be there for him, she didn’t want to know. She didn’t want to hear about the path he traveled in his mind; she was not built for that sort of trauma.
Swallowing thickly, she scooted the rest of her fish in River’s direction before clambering to her feet, no longer hungry. The motion gained her a curious look from the boy, but there were no questions, no words at all from any of them. “See what else you can catch before it gets dark,” she ordered. “I’m going to relieve Bert of steering duty so he can get some sleep.”
He let her walk away from him without protest, watching her disappear into the steering room. She didn’t look back.
When she slipped in the door she was met with a quiet stare from Bert. He stood leaning against the steering wheel and until she had interrupted he’d been staring out the front window, down the long stretch of river. It was a huge line of water, maybe a hundred yards from one shore to the other and ten feet deep where she’d been fishing. Her eyes traced over the roiling surface of it before returning to Bert.
“Hey,” he said softly, shifting his gaze back to his course.
“Hey,” she said tiredly, dropping onto the metal bench that ran along the wall behind him. “How’s it going?”
“Calmly,” he shrugged nonchalantly. “It looks rough but this baby is pretty big; she’s handling all the waves and currents beautifully. How far do you plan to ride her?”
“As far as we can,” she replied, letting her head fall back with a thud as her eyes closed. “As long as we can.” She shook her head, heaving a sigh full of defeat. “I’m tired, Bert. I’m tired, you’re tired, River’s tired and those other boys are exhausted. You know how long I’ve been running for my life?”
“Eight years?” he supplied helpfully, ready to listen.
“Give or take a few, I lose track of time,” she said. “Eight years of this running and hiding and fighting just enough so I can do it tomorrow. I’m tired of it. I can’t do it anymore. There’s no fight left in me to keep this up. River’s gotten himself into such a mess and I just…” her face crinkled at the thought and she brought her knees up to her chin. “Maybe it’s just time to toss in the towel.”
Bert’s eyes dropped from the river to his hands, heart clenching in his chest. “You shouldn’t talk like that,” he said quietly.
“Why?” she scoffed softly, barely meaning it. “What’s here for any of us anymore?”
“You’re here,” he murmured, face flushing a little in embarrassment. “You’re here and I’m here,” he continued. “That was good enough, once.”
Her own heart fluttered in response. “Once, I didn’t think my kind survived.”
“No one’s kind survived,” he reminded her, fidgeting solemnly. “We’re all just scraps of civilizations that can’t be rebuilt. But just because we can’t go back doesn’t mean we give up fighting; it doesn’t mean we stop trying. When you found me the first time, isn’t that what you said?”
Pregnant silence fell between them and when he realized she would make no response, he moved sadly back to the wheel. “You… should probably get some sleep,” she said quietly as soon as his back was turned. “You were up all night.”
“Not all night,” he corrected. “River traded me spots for a couple hours and the wolven boys were steering when I came down to get you this morning. Why don’t you go fishing with River? That’s something I can’t do.”
Sighing, she got to her feet. “Yeah, okay.” She didn’t sound like she meant it.
The rest of the day passed in slow motion for everyone. Laiya and River spent their hours shivering beneath the surface of the water, catching those fish they could hold and watching those too large. The unease between them was almost palpable, twisting at both of them with every glimpse of the other they caught. It was River that retired first, tossing himself onto the deck of the boat and shaking himself mostly dry before changing.
She watched his otter form disappear above the rough waves, even waited for him to come back for a few minutes before she flickered away. He’d made no indication that he intended to leave or stay, but he had not taken a fish with him and so she assumed he did not mean to return. The water was cold and fast where she swam and she let the current carry her the same as it did the boat. She let her form drift from otter to human to salmon, enjoying the cool feeling of the water through her gills as she thought about what would soon come to pass for her group.
It was too much too soon too fast. She’d spent so much time with River, far longer than she’d spent with anyone else at one time, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to abandon him to the disease. When it came time, she would kill him, even if it meant she would lose her own life in the process. Through the years she had seen many humans and many Were die- strangers, friends, family, lovers… but none of them were like River. None were worth as much to her.
None stood to hurt so badly.
Ever since she’d met River she had begun to wonder what had happened to the rest of her kind. When the infection began to affect them, did they die like humans or were they so horribly aware, like the wolven? The wolven, while they had the ability to change their forms to one that resembled the wolves of the human world, were not anything like her kind. Whereas the rest of the were, from the werebears like Bert to the weredogs most mistook for werewolves to the rare weremice, all descended from her species, the werewolves… They had evolved alongside of her kind the same as the humans did.
But would that variation mean the difference between dying like a human and being controlled against his will like a wolven? If he would be like the wolven, if the infection could be stripped from him when it got too bad, perhaps…
She shoved the thought from her mind. It would not do to let that seed grow; if there was no hope, she didn’t want to fool herself into believing their might be. It would do neither of them any good. Especially if she was wrong.
For hours her thoughts ran in circles, over and over every possibly scenario, trying to find a way out of the inevitable. The sun fell lower and lower in the sky and soon it was hard to see through the waters. The sun hung on the edge of the sky, shimmering across the surface and splintering into shadows with every passing wave. With a heavy heart she changed back to her otter morph and zipped toward the ship once more. She could steer for a few hours and hopefully sleep for a few before-
Her thoughts came sharply to focus on the present as sounds of a fight filtered through the rush of water all around her. Frightened that something had happened, she flickered forward at full speed, tossing herself onto the deck with more vigor than she had all day. River and the twins stood before her, shouting and snarling at one another. Jullien sat by helplessly, shouting at both of them to please stop before someone got hurt. It hadn’t quite come to blows, but if she knew it she left it alone for another few seconds, it would.
She scrambled to her feet, water sluicing from her form as she became human once more, and found purchase enough against River’s clothing to arrest their argument. “All of you, cut it out!” she growled, keeping tight hold of the fistful of River’s hoodie that she’d managed to grab. She pulled him away from the sullen twins without letting go, putting her face within inches of his. “What do you think you’re doing?” she hissed angrily.
“They started it!” he seethed, refusing to meet her eyes as he glared over her shoulder at the wolven boys.
“Oh that’s rich,” she just barely contained her sarcastic laughter. “What have I told you about fighting?”
“Don’t do it,” he said dully.
“Don’t do it,” she agreed, some of her anger seeping out of her voice to be replaced with fatigue. “Just… get to your room. And send Bert up on your way,” she added almost as an afterthought. “It’ll be dark soon.”
Though he cast her a scathing glance he hunched his shoulders and slunk sullenly toward the captain’s room, disappearing down the short staircase in search of Bert. She waited until she was sure he had gone down before rounding on the agitated wolven. They both stared at her with pale blue eyes, caution and a little bit of fear scrawled in every taut line of their thin bodies. She forced herself to relax and take a calm tone before saying a word to either of them.
“I don’t know what you two did to start a fight with River and frankly I don’t care. If I catch you at it again,” she glanced between them to make sure they knew she was being completely serious, “I will not hesitate to toss you both into the river regardless of whether you’ve been taken yet or not. I will not have anyone causing problems with my friends. Understand?”
They both nodded reluctantly.
“Good.” She spared a quick look to the horizon, noticing that Bert had lumbered up the stairs and was waiting for her attention as well. “It’s getting dark. I can’t order the two of you to get any sleep but it’s not a bad idea for you to try.”
“I don’t think we’ll be getting sleep any time soon,” Jullien said quietly as he clambered to his feet.
She nodded with a sigh and took the seat he had just vacated. “You do what you have to do, boys.”
They both nodded silently to her and moved away as Bert approached. Smiling tiredly, she realized that they were probably still a little nervous about the werebear. She had to admit that she’d been a little intimidated by him for a long while after she’d met him. Laiya knew that she could change herself into a copy of the same sort of bear that Bert was but even knowing that she respected him. He was an impressive sort of man even when he was only a human, commanding a certain amount of respect just from the easy way he held himself. He would win almost any fight and he knew it; and it was because he knew it that he felt no need to prove it.
“River said the wolven are causing problems?” he asked as he reached her, raising one slightly amused eyebrow at her.
She shook her head, relaxing into the seat tiredly as she gave him a weary smile. “Those two… They’re touchy because they’re afraid. They’re fighting with River so none of them have to think about what’s coming.”
Taking a seat beside her, he nodded his head thoughtfully. “What would you like to do,” he said quietly after a moment.
“What can I?” She gave him a vaguely regretful smile this time, stretching her arms out along the backs of the chairs next to her and crossing her legs. “River’s going to have to learn…”
But she stopped, trailing off as she felt tears prickle at the edges of her eyes again. River wasn’t going to have to learn anything. The day after tomorrow, River wouldn’t be able to learn anything; he would be as good as dead. Her throat tightened at the thought. Although she hated when people died, it wasn’t as though she hadn’t had the last eight years to get used to losing people. Karen had been the first and Laiya would never forget the milky grey look in her best friend’s eyes as she lay prone on the front steps of the dorm building. After her there had been countless others, dozens of people she’d known or tried to save that were killed.
Being killed, she knew, was so, so much different than being taken…
When people were killed that was it. One moment they were alive and the next they were on the ground, dead. There was no waiting and usually there was no warning. With the infection, though, it seemed a million times worse. The person you knew and loved was going to die, slowly and painfully and there was not one thing you could do about it. You couldn’t even offer them the peace of a swift death by your own hands- not without being lost to the same, horrible fate. The most you could do was stay with them while they died before your eyes; while they lost themselves and became vicious monsters.
Then all you could do was run and hope you were faster than them.
Bert seemed to know this, seemed to understand where her line of thinking went but he had the good sense not to say anything. He knew better than to offer her an empty promise. Instead he stared out over the river’s moving waters, let his eyes drift over River in the steering room and finally settled for staring at the two wolven boys. They sat murmuring to one another at the back of the boat, huddled close together as the frigid spray from the boat’s movement dusted them in glittering droplets.
“I wish we’d found them just a little bit sooner,” Laiya whispered. When Bert looked over he found that her gaze had followed his. She was watching the boys with a faint expression of pity.
“You can’t save everyone.” Bert turned back to the boys, who were smiling about something one of them must have said. “At least they have a choice now.”
She laughed, though the sound held no mirth. “Some choice. They’re going to die any way they go.” He could hear the loathing in her voice and knew that it was not directed at the two boys. He was familiar with her anger at the world, knew the way it simmered just under the surface no matter what she was doing. “They don’t deserve that, Bert. No one deserves what any of those boys got.”
His mind flickered to River for an instant. When he’d met up with Laiya again three years ago the boy had already been with her. River had refused to speak to either of them and his strange habit of always staring blankly into the distance unnerved Bert. It was like he was listening to something no one else could hear. While he’d never said anything to Laiya, he wasn’t entirely sure he trusted the boy. He got the distinct feeling that River knew that- but, he supposed, it often seemed like River knew a lot more than he let on to either of them.
“No, I don’t suppose any of them do,” he said slowly, gaze drifting back to the wolven. “So?”
She growled irritably and lay her head back along the hard back of her seat. “So nothing,” she answered, knowing that he was still asking what she wanted to do. Bert was surprisingly persistent when it came to getting information. “I’m not going to make anyone leave earlier than I must. Whether I have to make them leave because they’re too far gone or because they are starting fights…” She got heavily to her feet and motioned half-heartedly toward a row of seats positioned in front of the captain’s room. “Those seats pull up- there’s storage underneath. There’s fish if you’re hungry. Next sign of clear civilization you see, stop the boat.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He got to his feet as well, following her down the short hallway between the captain’s box and the stairwell to the hull. She rapped sharply on the steering room window as she passed, catching River’s still sullen attention and bringing a quickly suppressed smirk to Bert’s lips.
“Bed,” she told the kid, ignoring his glare. “And Bert?” She paused at the top of the stairs, giving the older man a genuine smile as River exited the room to allow him entrance. “Send those boys to bed soon. They should try and get some sleep.”
Her feet sounded heavily on the steel steps as she disappeared below-decks with River on her heels. She hated when he looked at her like that- like she’d done something wrong or somehow betrayed him. In his mind she had taken the side of the wolven boys when she broke up their argument and told River to scram instead of kicking them off the boat. It was silly but he was young and she just didn’t have the strength to tell him any differently. She didn’t want to fight with him. For an instant all she wanted was for things to be fine. She wanted to forget that things weren’t.
“I don’t want you starting fights anymore,” she said sternly before she could stop herself. She turned to face him when she reached the bottom of the stairs and he stared passively back. Her heart clenched at how normal it felt to give him an order; how much it felt like tomorrow wouldn’t happen.
“I won’t.” His lip curled in disgust but he didn’t look away from her. “I don’t see why you want me to be nice to them,” River said sullenly. “They’re not like us.”
“How do you mean that, River?” Laiya glanced over without turning her body. All of the boys so far had told her that there was a difference between them and she knew it was causing a problem but she didn’t know what the difference was. She had known River for so long that she couldn’t seem to grasp what the wolven seemed to find so wrong with him. “Because they’ve said the same about you.”
He snorted, but did not give her a proper answer. “It doesn’t matter. It won’t be an issue in a few days.”
Heart in her throat, she tossed her gaze to the floor in guilt, though she knew she was not at fault. “Don’t talk like that, Riv,” she murmured through the way her voice choked.
“Why not,” he asked dully. “It’s true.”
“Because I don’t know what to do when you say things like that,” she whispered. “I don’t want to think about losing you. I’ve lost so many people over so many years… I don’t think I’ll survive you, sweetling. I know I won’t.”
His stomach crawled and his skin prickled at her words, tears gathering in the edges of his eyes. “You have to,” he told her, barely keeping the tremble from his voice. “Someone has to watch out for Bert. He’ll amble himself into an early death pretty quickly without you.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she said, echoing his earlier statement. “It really… None of us will make it long in this world and even if we did, what then?” She couldn’t help the way bitterness crept into her tone. “I’ve said it before; we live in a world where the reward for running away fast enough is getting to live to run away again. The only thing that’s made it bearable for the past few years has been you. I’d nearly given up by the time I found you, River. It was only taking care of you, thinking I had something to protect, that gave me a the will to keep making that run.” She sighed and her regret was almost tangible as she finally looked up to him. "But where can I run from here? Where can I run that your memory won’t haunt me?"
Swallowing thickly, he closed his eyes. “There will be others, Laiya. There are others out there who need your protection still. Whether or not we’re together, you have to find them,” he said quietly. Anything, he thought, to give her a purpose again. Anything to keep from hurting her any more than he already had. “Save them like you saved me. Run with them; run for them.”
They regarded one another for a moment before she surrendered, turning to open the small door to her room. “Get to sleep.”
“Is that how it’s going to be?”
His voice was strained though when she looked back to him he looked no different than he had a moment ago. She ran her eyes gently over his form, face softening. He was the same River she had known since he was ten. He was the same boy that she’d rescued from the gutter in the pouring rain. He was the same boy she’d come to love so dearly and yet… his golden skin held the faintest of silver tinges. His brilliantly green eyes were dulling a fraction and she knew it was only a matter of time before they were the misty white of the If.
“Is that how what’s going to be, River?” she asked tiredly, willfully forcing herself to ignore the minute changes. She didn’t want to think about it anymore. She’d never wanted to think about it.
“Are you just going to…” he trailed off but they both knew what he meant anyway. She felt her own throat close again in response.
“Yes, Riv. I am just going to ignore it because if I don’t, I won’t be able to function and that is not what any of us need right now.” It was all she could do to keep her voice and expression level and calm as she watched the hurt flicker across his features. She dropped her voice to barely a whisper, hoping it would not crack if she did not give it tone. “You are my world, River. You’ve been my world for five years. If I can pretend for even five more minutes that you’re going to be fine, I will.” She knew even her whisper was trembling now. “Because the thought of losing you makes me feel like I am already dead. Now go. To. Bed.”
He dropped his eyes to the floor, fist clenching tightly at his side. “Fine.” He swallowed and she could see him forcing his voice to remain steady. “Good night.”
Opening the door opposite the cramped hallway from her, he disappeared. For a second she stared blankly after him, letting the aching feeling that had spread through her diminish before turning to go into her own room. He would just have to understand. She could deal with a lot of things quickly if it was forced upon her. But not this. She couldn’t handle losing him so slowly. She couldn’t handle the faint grey tone to his skin, the dulling mist that was beginning to cloud his clear, emerald-green eyes.
She couldn’t handle losing him to himself.
The bed was cold when she crawled into it, curling into a fetal ball beneath the dusty smelling comforter. It was just too much. She hadn’t lied when she’d told River that he was her world. Somewhere along the way he’d become everything to her. He was her reason for staying alive. The only reason she’d kept moving, kept fighting was because she had to protect him. She knew she would have given up much sooner without him but now?
Now there was nothing.
After tomorrow there wouldn’t be a reason.
The door to her room cracked open and she rolled over, eyeing the slim silhouette with exhausted curiosity. “River? Didn’t I tell you to go to bed?”
“You didn’t say whose,” he replied mildly and she smiled though she knew she shouldn’t.
“Well I certainly didn’t mean mine,” she replied as seriously as she was able. She waited for him to leave but he didn’t move from where he stood and her brow creased in worry. “You okay?”
He was silent for a moment, choosing his words as carefully as ever. “We may be the last of our kind,” he ground out at last.
So that was it… She smiled faintly, nodding to him in understanding. “If that’s true, one child won’t make a difference. If you and I are the last then it would have only a lonely existence. Don’t worry.”
“But-“ he protested weakly, stance wavering a tiny bit in uncertainty- he didn’t want to disobey her again.
“What do you want me to do, River…” she said quietly, wincing internally at the way his silhouette stiffened at the words. “You’re fifteen. Go to bed. Your own bed,” she clarified after a moment’s pause.
“I thought…”
“Just go to bed- please.” Her throat closed on the last word; she didn’t really want him to leave but she couldn’t let him stay.
Instead of moving out of the room he took a step into it and it was her turn to stiffen at his action. Very rarely had he ever disobeyed an order, especially if he knew exactly why she’d given it. She waited though, just to see what he planned to do. He froze again in indecision, fingers fidgeting together before he dropped his hands to his side and looked at her.
“Can I…” She caught the fear that flickered over his features for a split second. “I don’t want to sleep alone tonight,” he said, barely above a whisper.
She closed her eyes, forcing back tears as she scooted to make room for him in her bed. “Fine, but I want you right to sleep,” she said sternly as he slipped under the covers, warm back to her.
“Goodnight Lai,” he murmured as his eyes closed.
She didn’t miss the way his voice caught on the words.
“G’night kiddo.” Taking a controlled breath, she gently kissed the back of his head before closing her eyes as well. “Tomorrow is going to be… rough.”