When Hope Is All You Have

There I was -- standing frozen at the door’s wooden frame. I didn’t say a word, not that I could anyway, I only stared at them. The pain I was feeling inside couldn’t be compared to anything I had endured before that moment.

As they stared back at me, my Sister’s face went pale as she pulled the cream colored sheet against her bare chest. Her mouth was open slightly, as if she were trying to speak, but nothing seemed to escape her pink lips.

Derek however, stood up immediately from the bed; I could tell that he was trying to act as if nothing with the situation was wrong, which clearly it was. He was wearing only plaid boxers, as he took a few steps towards me, almost uncertain if he should approach me. Which for his sake, I thought he should rethink his actions first.

It seemed as if hours had drained on by, except it had only been a few horrible minutes, and nobody had yet said a word. Running my hand over my rounded stomach, I felt the emotions slowly reach to my strong surface.

“Jax…” He whispered, as he reached out for my hand that was tightly clentched at my side. “Please let me explain. This isn’t what it looks like --.” I interrupted him as I yanked my hand away from his soft grasp.

Focusing my anger elsewhere, I looked over to my younger Sister; I didn’t have to say anything, I only stared at her questionable face. “Jackie, please…” She cried, which only caused me to feel more rage, than sympathy. She was begging me…for what? I wasn’t about to forgive Derek, not alone her.

“Jackie, come on…we can get outta here, and go talk somewhere.” Derek said softly, which made me oddly grin at the thought.

“Do you think that you need to find your pants first. Oh wait, why don’t you ask Ellie!” I said angrily, as I stormed out of the room as fast as I could. Being eight months pregnant, I couldn’t get out of the house as fast as I liked, but I woddled as fast as my legs would move.

I was to my car already, when Derek came running out the front door, now with blue jeans on. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, as he pounded hard on the driver side window. “Don’t leave! Come on! We can talk about this!” He yelled, although his voice was muffled by the window.

Pulling out of the driveway, I forced myself not to look back in my review mirror, even though I wanted too. I knew he was not far behind me, but as I drove farther down the road I felt the warm tears roll down my cheeks, and my nose begin to run slightly. I held in my shock, and my pain purposely because I refused to cry in front of them, more importantly him.

Pulling over to the side of the road, knowing the coast was clear, I rested my arms on the steering wheel and let everything I was feeling rush onto the surface. I assumed that being pregnant, and extra emotional did not help the situation at all, but sadly it only made it worse. Wiping my rosy cheeks with the back of my hand, I reached over to my cream colored purse for my cell phone. Rummaging through the purse, I growled as I struggled to find my cell phone, which I desperately needed. As I found it in my messy purse, I tossed it onto the floor before dialing my cell phone.

I knew that in this situation I needed someone to talk to, and as cheesy as it sounded, my Mom was that person that I needed more than anything.

When I arrived to my parents’ house, I felt a sense of ease come over me, probably because I knew my Mom was inside. Ever since my childhood, I had been a Mama-Mama’s girl, and even after I graduated from High School, and moved out of the house we remained close knit.

“Come here honey!” My Mother, Karen hugged me, as I cried in her arms. I hadn’t even closed the door behind me, before I began to sob in my Mother’s tight embrace. I hadn’t told her everything about what had happened, maybe because I was embrassed of some sort. Nor did I mention that Ellie, my own Sister was the ‘other woman’ who had slept with my fiancée. I didn’t it for Ellie’s own benefit, I suppose, or the goodness of my own heart.

“Now, lets calm down…take a breather.” My Mother said soothingly as we sat down at the oak dinning room table. As she pulled a chair beside me, I rested my hands on my stomach, as she caressed my shoulder. My Mom was always great at comforting me, she had plenty of practice, being a Mother of two girls’ and two boys’.

I was shaking by now, and I forced myself to take her advice and to just breath. I had read plenty of books on Motherhood, mainly because I wanted to be the best Mother possible, and I knew first hand that stress was not good for an unborn baby, especially so late in the trimester.

“Now, tell me what happen?” My Mom’s eyes were calm, and sincere and I knew that she was only trying her best to help me, and help her understand what happen. But the last thing I wanted to do was retell the story all over again, especially at that moment.

After a couple of deep breaths, I massaged my stomach before I spoke. “I left the Java House early because my feet were cramping, and I wanted to surprise Derek at home.” I paused, as even his name sent chills down my spine. “The house was all dark, then I went in the bedroom and there they were --.” I was talking with my hands now, mainly because I didn’t want to say the actual word.

As I finished, My Mom covered her mouth with her hand, as if she were surprised just as much as I was. She had known Derek for years, and on my lines considered him her own son-in-law, even though it wasn’t legal yet. This was definitely out of Derek’s normal behavior, as far as I knew.

“What! How could he do such a thing? I mean, you two are going to be married and have a child.” She ranted, as she stood up from the chair, and paced back and forth in front of me. My Mom, was not an angry woman, in fact I had never seen her so frustrated than at that moment.

“I seriously can’t believe this!” She shouted, “Why would he do such a thing? To you! To your baby? I just can’t believe this!” As I watched her, I oddly began to calm down, it was as if my Mother had taken all my anger into her own hands.

“You can’t let this get you down, honey!” My Mother looked over too me, “This is a blessing in disguise! It might not seem like one now, but baby, I promise you that its better now before the wedding!”

A blessing in disguise? I didn’t know if my Mom was right, but if she was, I could only pray that things would get from there on out. “I won’t let you go back to him! You deserve so much better, and so does that baby!” She nodded, while resting her hand on her hip.

“You don’t have to worry about that!” I reassured her, even though I wasn’t totally sure I was telling the truth. “But I have to figure out what I’m going to do. I have so many things that I have to work out, and I --.” Running my hand through my hair, all the responsiblities came rushing at me.

“Look at me…” My Mother order, holding my arms. “You don’t have to worry about anything, no matter what, your Father and I will help you as much as we can. That baby will have the best life that we can give it!”

Later that night, I wasn’t hungry at all, not that I could keep anything down, my nerves being a mess. Nonetheless, I went straight to bed in the guest room, even though I knew I wouldn’t get a wink of sleep anyway. Laying there, I stared up at the ceiling and tried to separate the important things, from the unimportant things.

I was at that moment, a single Mother and the thought terrified me. I could only hope that I could do everything on my own, but I knew even with my family’s help, it would be a struggle. I had read the stastics, of single Mothers’ and Fathers’ -- they live at basically poverty level. Poverty?

I would never be homeless, because I would always have the support of my parents’, but I wasn’t about to live off them for my child’s entire life. I had to do it myself and do it with pride all in the same.