Author: Kip-Kipper PM
A sketch written in the form of a screenplay. A salute to those oh so bizarre daytime talkshows.Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor - Words: 560 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Published: 07-12-05 - Status: Complete - id: 1961507
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Setting: An afternoon talk-show studio. A large, homely-looking audience applauds as theme music starts up. A disheveled man comes out from the side of the stage wearing filthy, wrinkled clothes. Dirt is all over his face, and it doesn't look like he's had a good wash in years.
The applause and the theme music die down.
Man: (very excitedly) Alright! Well thank you so much for joining us this afternoon on Mark. I am your host, Mark Smith, and today we have some of the most absolutely vile people I have ever seen! These people are dirty, they are disgusting, and they are proud of it! And what's worse, they are trying to push their beliefs on the general public as well!
Boos from the audience.
Mark: (taking a seat) Well, let's meet our first guest. Her name is Lacy, she's 14 years old, and….well, you'll see for yourself. Come on out, Lacy!
A drop-dead gorgeous blonde comes from backstage. Her hair billows out behind her as struts onto the stage, looking very full of herself. She sits in a chair next to Mark. Boos again come from the audience.
Mark: (motioning towards the audience) Alright, alright, hush now. (turning to Lacy) Lacy, look at yourself! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Lacy: (being very loud and boisterous) What?! It don't matter! It don't matter! I can do what I want with my body!
Mark: But look at you! Nail polish? White teeth? And is that shampoo I smell??
Boos from the audience.
Lacy: So? I do things worse than this!
Mark: Like what?
Lacy: Sometimes I put on lipstick! (boos) Yeah! So?! Yeah, and I even wear clean underwear!
A roar goes up from the audience. Mark settles then down again.
Mark: Clean underwear? You mean you wash your clothes?
Lacy: Yeah! I sure do! I put on clean ones in morning! And sometimes I'll come home and put more clean ones on! Uh-huh!! And then at night, I put on some more! (boos)
Mark: Lacy, do you realize what you're doing to yourself? I mean, how can you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning knowing that you clean yourself? Every day!! This isn't just a one-time thing, I'm assuming. I mean, this happens every single day!
Lacy: Yeah, so?!
Mark hangs his head and sighs.
Mark: Alright, let's take some questions from the audience.
A grimy-looking woman stands up and walks to the microphone. It's difficult to tell her race what with all the dirt and everything.
Woman: Lacy, you disgust me! What kind of example are you setting for those younger than yourself? Bathing, cleaning, washing, makeup, nail polish for Christ's sake! (the audience cheers)
Lacy: (yelling over the audience) SHUT UP!! SHUT THE HELL UP!! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! YOU SHOULD TRY IT TOO!
The audience again has to be quelled, and Lacy is pulled off-stage. Mark stands up, looking apologetic.
Mark: Folks, this is just one of many. Just one of many. We're going to take a break, and when we come back, a man who eats with utensils! You heard me right. So don't go away! Mark will be right back!