Prologue –

With this story I’m not sure where I’m going. It’s not as if I’m not accustomed to angst, (hell, it’s most of what I write) or writing male characters (I’ve tried before in “Tim Stone’s Path to the silver screen”, which I need to finish and “Just an Ordinary Man” which also has a few of the same issues in that story as will be appearing in this one) but this one is a bit…unusual for my writing style.

I didn’t say in the title, but I think it may be apparent that Tom is a male anorexic, and as such I will be trying to explore this. Now, I am Female, but I believe in a/ equal representation and b/ this plot bunny in my head. However, I might get things wrong, write too much like a female or even go waaaaaaaay too far the other way and talk about stuff that may seem a bit gross and over-masculine (I mean talk bordering on chauvinism, or manky stuff about sex). Please stick with me, and tell me whether it’s worth the effort in the first couple of chapters, okay? This is just experimental, but if people like it I probably will finish it over the summer.

Thanks for reading.

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Chapter 1 – I need someone

You need someone to help you settle down
’cos your starting to fade

helps to keep it secret from them all
keeps them all at bay

need someone to help you settle down
’cos your starting to fade
with a look at these arms
how they stand the pain

Haven – I need someone.

“Tom, leave Paul’s Homework and go get your bags from upstairs!” Ordered Aunt Bella, as she made packed lunches for her two sons and her nephew, “Your Uncle’s going to be here any minute!”

Paul, who was sitting with Tom at the breakfast table with his older cousin gave out a loud groan and whined petulantly, “Mu-um! Only Tom understands fractions! I need his help.”

Aunt Bella turned around to her son and chided, “You should have done this yesterday! You shouldn’t leave your homework ‘till the last minute.”

“It’s not in until tomorrow, and I forgot that Tom was going today!” corrected Paul, who looked at his cousin and moaned, “Do you have to go Tom?”

“Sorry little fella, I do.” Tom said, slightly sadly, “I’m going to miss you. You know I will.”

“Why do you have to go Tom…” He asked, his eyes filling up with tears.

Oh no. This was the sort of thing Tom had been trying to avoid. Paul, his favourite cousin and probably his best friend (despite the 9 year age gap), had completely lost it when it has been announced two weeks ago that Tom was moving out to live with his Uncle. Paul had ranted, hating Tom, hating his mother and father and hating his Uncle for a while, hating how Tom had to leave him as no one he’d ever loved had ever had to leave him before. Paul, in his innocence, hadn’t really understood that Tom was barely an hour away, as hours seem like life times to nine year-olds, and even now as Tom looked at Paul, he was debating whether he ought to put his own happiness to one side to alleviate Paul’s suffering.

But as Tom looked at Aunt Bella, the look of uncertainty in her face, he remembered why he had to leave. It was only a small house. His Uncle Simon didn’t really earn that much. He looked at his Aunt’s swollen belly and remembered – she was eight months pregnant and they needed the room. Tom had always wanted to live with his Uncle Bill, and now was his chance.

“You know why I have to go Paul, but I’m sure you’ll love your new brother or sister.” Tom lied, and got up, “Back down in a minute, Aunt Bella.” He kissed her and walked quickly out of the kitchen, up the narrow stairs and up to his room. It was quiet empty now, save for a bed and the bags that lay abandoned on the floor. He was quiet surprised how easily his life could be carried. He’d given away most of his toys from when he was younger to Paul and Joseph, Paul’s older brother and Tom didn’t own many clothes. Didn’t see the point – they just reminded him how ugly he was. It seemed to be the bain of his Aunt’s life, trying to get him to dress nicely, but she had given up some time ago, except when the pregnancy hormones got the better of her and she’d end up snapping at him.

He scooped up the two holdall’s handles and examined his room one last time before he would pick them up. No, there was nothing left in here of his – he’d taken the posters down, now in a plastic bag he’d have to pick up in a moment, and most of the books were staying. Oh, he was taking a few with him, school books and books he’d been given as presents by Uncle Bill, but all the other books belonged to this family.

He grabbed the bags, his head suddenly spinning out of control, to the point that he had to drop the bags and try to steady himself on the doorframe, his head barely supported by his shoulder, dark hair flapping in front of his eyes for a second. He breathed calmly, hoping that he would be fine, trying to stop the world from spinning and kept thinking, today I’ll be leaving, today I’ll be with Uncle Bill, and not even a headache like this one can stop me. He took in a sharp breath and tried to straighten up. As he mentally tried to cajole his body into functioning, he realised that Uncle Simon was watching him from about two feet away. He turned around slowly, eyes wide open, unable to speak.

“Ready to go?” He asked good-naturedly.

“Yeah.” Tom mumbled, trying to get over his sudden giddiness.

“Look.” Uncle Simon didn’t speak for a second. He looked like he was trying to say something important, but gave up, putting his hand on Tom’s shoulder, (which was no mean feet as Tom’d been six foot since he was thirteen) and said, “Tom, I’m going to miss you. You’re a great kid, and I’m glad we’ve been able to look after you. Just.” He paused again, gently manoeuvred the two of them into Tom’s old room and closed the door behind the two of them. Uncle Simon’s voice lowered itself, the way it always did when he was about to give Tom a talking to. “Tom, I know I should have said this earlier, but…sometimes you worry your Aunt, and frankly, sometimes you worry me. It’s just.” Another pause. Tom almost knew what he was going to say next – and he got ready to ignore it. “Tom, you know that we all care about you, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Said Tom, pretending not to understand.

“Well, you’re a good lad, and it’s been difficult for you, firstly with your parent’s dying in that road accident, and now with this on top of it, but maybe…Tom, I think we both agree you need to give the whole ‘healthy eating’ thing a rest. It’s okay for Bella, she’s a woman and they always seem to go on about that sort of thing, and God knows I need to lose a few pounds” Uncle Simon patted his beer belly which protruded over the top of his trousers, ensnared in a white shirt. Tom looked at it a few seconds too long. Tom felt a little ashamed as he judged the man who’s raised him since he was twelve on his horrible, disgusting belly. Uncle Simon didn’t seem to notice and continued, “But you’re thin enough and even the running coach thinks you should put on about half a stone. All, I’m trying to say is that when you get down to Sheen with your Uncle, you shouldn’t badger him about wholemeal bread and stuff. Just take advantage of being a bachelor’s lifestyle and give the running a break for a bit, okay?”

Was this a hint of how to make sure he never had to come back? He’d finished his A-levels and would be going to university by the end of the year, grades allowing, so it wasn’t as he’d need a place to stay, so Tom didn’t understand what his Uncle was trying to tell him. As long as he made it through the summer, he would be fine – he’d be a student and he wouldn’t exactly need to move back here to Hounslow. He’d be able to what he wanted, no interruptions from anyone. No one would be concerned about what he did, and all he wanted was to lose another half-stone. Then he’d be perfect, as 125 was more than he really wanted to weight. Getting to the 100 pound mark would be best, preferably under. He would never understand Uncle Simon’s obsession with making him put on weight – it was almost as if Uncle Simon hated him in some way, trying to make him ugly. Well, no more of that after today ; Tom, ignoring Uncle Simon’s advice said “Sure, Uncle Simon, I will.”

“Good lad.” Uncle Simon patted Tom’s shoulder and took his big bags. “I’ll just take these down for you Tom, you get special treatment today, but don’t expect it all the time.” He joked, before throwing the bags down the staircase.

Tom laughed; he couldn’t help it as he heard Bella’s voice shout angrily “Simon! Not down the stairs!”

“Bust-ted.” Tom said with a cheeky grin on his face, still quite light-headed.

“Oh shut up, “Simon laughed, as the doorbell run.

“Oh, that’s him now!” Bella exclaimed, hinting for Tom to get the door. However, Joseph, who’d been ready for this moment since about day break, dashed for the door before Tom could even get to the top of the stairs.

“Uncle Bill!” Joseph yelled, grabbing his Uncle into a vice grip.

Uncle Bill managed to pull him off for a second and kneeling down to his height said, “Hey Kiddo, you’ve grown since last time I saw you!”

“You only saw me last month!” Said Joseph indignantly.

“Well, you’re growing fast, aren’t you?” answered Uncle Bill. He suddenly looked up to see Tom walking down the stairs. His face lit up with a wide grin as Tom came bounding down, towards him. Uncle Bill stood up, wanting to hug that boy. He’d been waiting 7 years for this moment – to have Tom coming home with him and finally it was here. Okay, he might be almost an adult now, and he might not need an adult any more, but Uncle Bill had enough trouble trying to get regular contact, considering that he was the boy’s biological uncle. He wasn’t going to say no to any chance, just because there wasn’t much time left.

As Uncle Bill’s gaze went past Tom, to Simon who stood at the top of the stairs, he knew that it wasn’t exactly the boy’s wishes that had stopped Uncle Bill trying to gain custody 7 years ago. But this was not the time to bring it up. Tom was one of those people who rarely said much about how he felt, but he could be read like a book. As he stood on that bottom stair, wearing his baggy jeans and cyberdog tee shirt Bill had bought him when he last came to stay with him, his long, thin arms hanging expectantly by his hips, long-ish brown hair covering most of his face but for a bright smile, Bill knew he wanted to go. Bill looked at the bags at the bottom of the stairs and said, “Efficient.”

“Yeah, “said Tom, beaming, “it’s the new courier service in town; and it’s running a special offer of two for the price of one.”

They both stared at each other for a moment, trying to keep a poker face. Tom bit his lip in the effort, but Uncle Bill, who’d never been able to prevent himself laughing at anything, burst out loudly, shortly joined by Tom, laughing hysterically.

“You’re going to be the death of me, Tom.” cackled Uncle Bill.

“Hopefully, that way I get your car.” Tom joked.

“Well, driving license first, young man.” Uncle Bill mock-lectured.

“Aw, give over,” Tom paused and in a quiet voice said, “I’m really grateful, y’know.”

Uncle Bill looked uncomfortable for a moment, and giving Tom a little smile and a nod, then looked to Joseph and said, “That reminds me…” he reached into his messenger bag and said, “Jo, I know you’ve got a whole summer before going to your new senior school, but I got you something because you managed to get into that grammar school” He gave Jo a bulky package and said, “wait ‘til your Mother’s here before you open it. I’m sure she’d like to know exactly how I’m corrupting you…” Joseph grinned back, knowing the private joke between him and Uncle Bill about being a bad influence.

Bella staggered up to him and smiling took his hand and asked, “Bill, how are you?”

Bill air kissed her and replied, “Fine, fine…woah! How’s the sprog in there doing? Can’t believe it’s been eight months…”

“Oh, its fine, everything’s fine, come in, come in, sit down, you too Joe, sit and chat for a bit. How’s the new book going?”

Bella slumped into the couch, followed by Bill, who sat next to her, unable to resist the temptation to feel her stomach. “So, you haven’t decided to have any scans then?”

“No Bill, I haven’t. I want it to be a surprise when it comes.”

Bill took his hands off her abdomen and said, “I don’t know how you can possibly wait, not knowing. I don’t think I’ll ever get you.”

“You have the patience of a nine year old!”

“Hey!” interrupted Paul.

Bella looked over to her nine year old son, with an expression of thunder on his face, and sighing said, “Sorry Paul, he doesn’t have the patience of a nine year old.”

“Maybe an eight year old. On a good day.” Uncle Bill said, “excited about summer yet?”

“Why does Tom have to go.” Asked Paul, staring at Uncle Bill with a face of Iron.

Uncle Bill was struck dumb. Joseph jumped in to admonish his brother. “Paul, stop asking that!” he snapped, “You’ve already been told, like, a hundred times why!”

“But it’s not fair!” sulked Paul, stamping his foot, “I don’t want him to go.”

“Paul, stop it!” sighed Bella.

“Uncle Bill, why can’t I go with you? I want to live with you too…” Paul whined, still in a bad mood.

“Because you’re only nine, “ said Uncle Bill Kindly, “anyway, I think Tom would agree – I’ve got some pretty weird habits.”

“It’s true Paul, “ said Tom, getting Uncle Bill’s hint, “I mean, when he gets into a character he starts putting on accents, like this.” Tom put on his best cockney accent and said, “Y’know, like a really bad one, me ol’ china. It gets really annoying on the dog and bone, and talkin’ and dinner, he might go all posh” Tom changed the accent to one of a snotty epicure and said, “like this one, talking about the texture of the flavour, or the state of the manor.” Doing the appropriate hand movements for such poncy subjects.

Paul was laughing, forgetting his bad mood, as Uncle Bill decided to egg Tom on. “Not to mention spontaneous Shakespeare recitals! Alas, poor Yoric, I knew him, Horatio.”

“A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.” Added Tom, and, because his hamlet wasn’t as good as his uncles added a few lines from Macbeth. “Fillet of fenny snake, In the Caldron Boil and Bake, Eye of Newt, and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog.”

“Ill met by moonlight, Titania?” asked Uncle Bill.

“What, Jealous Oberon? I have forsworn his company.” Replied Tom smartly, seeing Paul crease up and forget what had made him so annoyed. “So you see, Paul, it isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes we have to do things to amuse ourselves as well.”

“Oh, on that matter, “said Uncle Bill sensibly, “I got you a small something to make up for me stealing Tom.” Uncle Bill took another package out of his messenger bag and gave it to Paul, who took it greedily, and looked to his mum to see if he was allowed to open it.

“Go ahead,” she said, “both of you.”

Paul opened his first, ripping the paper to reveal a new set of colouring pencils, due to his love of drawing, Encyclopaedia Britannica on Disk to replace Tom’s seemingly (at least to Paul) endless knowledge and, as part of a distraction, Shreck 2 on DVD.

“Oh, this is so cool! Thanks Uncle Bill!” he exclaimed, forgetting the encyclopaedia in favour of the DVD.

Joe also unwrapped his present, getting a smart new parker ink pen, one of the best fountain pens you can get, a scientific calculator, because Joe loved maths and everything it involved, as well as The Simpson’s series 6 on DVD, because there are few things boys of eleven, or for that matter, any other age, love more than The Simpson’s. “Aw, Thanks Uncle Bill!” said Joe, opening his pen first and trying to work out how the ink cartridge went in.

“You’re welcome.” Smiled Uncle Bill, watching the scene of destruction.

“Is there any way I can get you to stop spoiling my kids?” asked Bella.

“No, no way.” He grinned naughtily, “Okay, I might have to start to spoil you, Tom, a bit more, but otherwise not. It’d break the habit of a lifetime.” He pressed his hand agaist Bella’s tummy and said, “That kid doesn’t have a chance against me.”

Tom smiled and joined in. “I hope not, otherwise Aunt Bella might teach it to be a normal, boring person. I don’t think we could allow that…”

“Tom, I’d be grateful if you didn’t try to teach my next child how to Use my saucepans as a drum kit.” Aunt Bella joked.

“I was twelve! Joe was five! It was a natural progression after listening to too much Madness.”

“Sure, Tom, it was.” Smiled Bella. It was at this point Uncle Simon walked in, and saw his children’s new gifts. Tom instantly knew that He disapproved – firstly because Uncle Bill had brought school supplies, stuff he could have bought himself, but obviously not the same brands and secondly because Uncle Simon would have a lot of trouble trying to get the boy’s doing anything but watching the new DVD’s. Sometimes Tom wished Uncle Bill would listen to him about this sort of thing as it really wound Uncle Simon up.

Tom decided he would refuse to get dragged into this. By Aunt Bella’s expression, he could see she had the same idea.

“So, what did you boys get?” asked Uncle Simon, flatly ignoring Uncle Bill, kneeling down to talk to the two boys.

“Look at this dad!” exclaimed Joseph, “It’s that pen we were looking at the other day, it’s right proper.”

“Right proper. Joe?”

“Sorry dad, I meant really good.”

“All right son. And, oh “The Simpsons.” Lucky.” He said diplomatically. Tom was quiet proud of him, keeping his real feelings inside. He really was making the effort to make sure they parted on good terms. Uncle Bill obviously appreciated the effort.

“How’s it all going Simon?” Asked Uncle Bill, “I hear you’re getting a promotion soon.”

“Yes, hopefully, “ answered Uncle Simon, trying his best to keep the distain out of his voice.

“Well, you’re quiet a lucky man, a promotion and a child” said Uncle Bill vaguely, “And Tom getting into a good University.”

“Uncle Bill, it isn’t really all that good…”

“Nonsense, it’s a very good university and we’re all proud of you.” Uncle Bill snapped.

“Well, I suppose so.” Said Uncle Simon, “Are you staying for Lunch?”

“Well, Annabelle arranged it so, but if it’s any trouble…”

“No.” Uncle Simon interjected quickly, “No trouble at all. “

“We’ll leave quickly afterwards, though.” Said Uncle Bill tentatively, “get Tom’s new room sorted out, that sort of thing.”

“I think that’d be for the best.” Replied Uncle Simon quickly. Tom was pleased that he managed to not make it seem too threatening, but the meaning was implied. To go quickly before the truce wore off.

Tom however, would rather they’d left before lunch. He hated mealtimes, especially with Aunt Bella watching over him, or Uncle Simon making comments. They were so stressful, not only because of his family getting at him, but because they’d be making him eat. He even hated the word, because it made his skin crawl. It was like a euphemism for a dirty word, he’d rather people’d just said the word than try to make it seem nicer. Eat, such an innocuous word, three letters, mainly vowel sounds, soft sounds, but they stuck in his throat like fish bones, the t jutting out and bringing tears to his eyes. He wished they’d just say “fatten him up.” It what they wanted to do. It made him easier to control if they did, because they’d be controlling how he looked and what went into his mouth, but he refused to allow them this control.

Aunt Bella had managed to get Tom into the Kitchen, and was taking plates and plates of food out of the fridge. Tom looked at them, feeling ineffectual as she forced more food onto the table.

“Tom, can you take these dishes out for me?” Aunt Bella asked, as she got the dining room table ready, “I hope there’s enough for everyone” she said more out of habit than concern, “It’s all a bit of an odd mix, but it meant that I didn’t have to cook today, which is the main thing.” She laughed at herself, and said, “quickly – I made some food that you like as well.” Now Tom realised why she’d taken him out. To make sure that she meant that he had to eat. As Tom picked up a serving bowl of bean salad, Aunt Bella came and put her arms around him and said, “Please Tom, for me? You know that you’re going to have to eat for your Uncle.”

There it was again, that word. Tom stood there, as still as a statue, listening. He hated the word, he hated it so much he wished he could just hit her, or at least shout how much he hated it, but he couldn’t.

Aunt Bella continued. “He won’t understand like we do. I know how much this means to you.”

Like hell you do, Tom thought, that’s why you tried to stop me going to live with him, that’s why you’re only letting me go because I’m practically an adult, because I won’t have a chance to enjoy living with him, like I might have as a child. That’s why you’re trying to make me ugly and fat so he won’t want me, so when he finally gets me he’s left with this bloated whale which he’ll come to despise. Tom remembered the one summer he’d spent at his Uncles – full summer that is, not just weekends or a few days. He’d been fifteen, and he’d started to put on weight again, and so he’d been allowed to go to his Uncle’s. Luckily no one had noticed, but he knew that they all knew, especially by the knowing look on all their faces and the way they’d all offered him more food. It’d been one of his best summer’s ever, he’d had so much fun and Aunt Bella had even hinted at Tom being allowed to stay, but of course, it’d never happened. When Uncle Bill had offered to take him to Thailand for a month just as school started up again, Aunt Bella had pulled out, and it’d gone back to the way it was before.

Aunt Bella had fallen silent for a moment, expecting an answer, but interrupted and said, her face tinged with serious despair, “I hate to bring it up now, but you’ve got to get better. Your Uncle loves you a lot, but he’s never had to deal with all this before, so just give it a try. “

“What else do you want me to take out?” Tom asked, avoiding Aunt Bella’s assertion. He took out some plates as Aunt Bella ordered around anyone who stood still for long enough. When it came to the meal Tom sat down next to Uncle Bill, hoping that no one would notice him. Although Uncle Simon was distracted, and Paul and Joe never noticed anything about him, he could see that every so often Aunt Bella would glance over at him, see what he was doing. Tom was hoping like hell that for once she’d be more concerned with Uncle Bill, and keeping the peace.

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Heh – what do you think? I’ve set it in places I know in London, like Honslow (apparently one of the poorest parts of London, but more on that) Sheen and at some point Richmond upon Thames.

It’s also partly based on some Anorexic-est experiences I’ve had in my life, on people I know and parts of myself I really ought to exorcise. This is a pretty British family – I mean, I’ve tried to make it as normal as possible, but tried to give it a particularly English flavour as I’m having a bit of an ‘Americanisms’ overload at the moment.

Ho hum – sorry about the length – I’ll try to make these chapters shorter (I’ve had to split the first chapter in two! Ye Gods, I’m getting verbose!)

Please r and r if you can

Luff and hugs – Xandra the Blue.