7/19/05

Halfblood Spilled

Brad Walker

Based on a true story…

“Snape kills Dumbledor and Snape is the half-blood prince… I’m waiting for Victoria to show up, call the cell ;P”

The preceding is an Away Message from one Obert Liendsandt that sent one Melody Chopkins into a violent range. Melody was an avid Harry Potter fan and a massive fan of the mentioned character: Severus Snape. However, she had not yet read the newest release—Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince—and had been avoiding those that might spoil the ending for her since the book was released four days prior. She never thought that reading the away message of someone who didn’t even like Harry Potter would result in a tragedy of this magnitude. In a blind rage, she wrote up a message for Obert, expressing her distaste for his away message.

“Blast you Liendsandt, you bloody fishwife!” It read. “Expect an unspeakable hex upon your head by morning!” And with that, she signed off and proceeded to cry for about ten minutes, before calling her cousin, Peregrin Chopkins: a struggling writer at , striving day by day to get his stories noticed among the throngs of much more popular stories about unlikely romances between angsty teenagers.

“Oh Peregrin, you have no idea the anguish I’m feeling at this very moment!” She exclaimed.

“What’s the matter?” He asked, as he typed away at his current project: The Association (go read it once you’re done with this at ).

“That basted Obert Liendsandt has brought me to the brink of my own sanity yet again! He has done me an injustice that I can never pardon!”

“… What’d he do?”

There was a dramatic pause.

“… He ruined the end of Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince! And through an AOL away message no less!”

Peregrin gasped. “No!”

“Yes! For this he shall have to pay!” She exclaimed, shaking her white-knuckled fist. “Which is why I called; do you know where I could get him hexed… like, for cheap?”

“Hmm…” He pondered for a minute, rubbing the whiskers on his chin. “Have you tried channeling all your negative energy for him towards him? I heard about a bunch of housewives doing that in Chile in the 80’s and they successfully gave the dictator a heart-attack.”

“My energy for him is beyond ‘negative’! My energy is… it’s… Damnit, you’re a writer, what’s a good adjective for ‘beyond negative’?”

“Uhh… ‘Uber-negative’?”

“Uber-negative! … But seriously, I don’t think that’ll work.”

“Oh.” Peregrin replied. “Well, I’m sure our friends from the Ambiguous Coven of Pure Unadulterated Evil would give you a good price on a hex. They’d probably even help you perform it; after all, this is a crime against Harry freaking Potter… he’s like God to those women!”

And so, the very next day, Melody and her neighbor, a disc jockey who worked nights under the assumed name of “Kayla Flayva”, stopped by the Ambiguous Coven of Unadulterated Evil’s “lair” (which was really just the basement of one of its member’s parents). They were greeted by the youngest member of the Coven—the surprisingly busty Lylah von Trappe. She sat behind a desk in a Victorian-esque dress made of red velvet that showed off her heaving bosom, and scribbled some things down on a piece of paper, while Melody and Kayla Flayva waited patiently, sitting on a sofa on the other side of the desk.

“So…” Lylah said, still writing on that same piece of paper. “… You’re looking for a hex, correct?”

“Yes! I’m looking of something that will make him wake up screaming in the night with horrible nightmares and make it so he will never feel the love of another person and make him impotent and possibly incontinent!” Melody bellowed. “But bare in mind, I’m a librarian, so it’ll have to be something affordable too.”

“Well, Mel, since you and I are such good friends, I’ll offer you our ‘Anxiety and Incontinence’ package at half price.” Lylah said. “That includes night sweats and flatulence with embarrassing, oily, orange discharge… Oh what the hell, I’ll throw ‘dry mouth’ in there too; it’s only a dollar more.” She scribbled a little more down on that piece of paper.

“… Is that it?” Melody asked.

“Well, that’s the cheapest thing I can offer; after all, Mel, the Ambiguous Coven is a business; we do need to make a profit.” Lylah explained. “By the way, what’s the offense? Why are you looking to hex this boy?”

“… Dare I speak it?” Melody asked Kayla.

“That bastard ruined the end of Half-Blood Prince for her! And he made me cry!” Kayla Flayva exclaimed.

“Yeah that.” Said Melody.

Lylah grew white with shock. She pressed a button on the intercom and spoke into it. “… Girls I think you should get in here; we have a situation.”

From another section of the “lair” came the three remaining members of the Ambiguous Coven of Unadulterated Evil. First there was the rather boyish Althea dos Pedros: the muscle behind the Ambiguous Coven. On her arm, dressed as a dominatrix, was the sexy, Latina, Alejandra Velasquez (who may or may not have had/is still having an affair with Melody’s cousin, Peregrin Chopkins). And in front of the two of them was the mysterious, self-proclaimed leader of the Ambiguous Coven, who went only by “Noof”. The reason she saw herself fit to be the leader is because it was her parent’s basement in which they made their “lair”; otherwise she was rather awkward and thin with huge glasses.

“What seams to be the problem, Lylah?” Asked Noof.

“I-I-I was talking to Mel and Kayla Flayva an-an-and---I just can’t say it!” Lylah began to cry.

“I’ll say it!” Melody said, rising and thrusting out her chest defiantly. “I come to you, my dear, satanic, sexually-questionable friends to ask you to hex someone who has wronged me in the worst possible way! His name is Obert Liendsandt and he ruined the end of Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince for me by saying ‘Snape killed Dumbledor and is the half-blood prince’ in an away message!”

“Ay, ay, ay!” Alejandra exclaimed, in unison with Noof crying “Blasphemy!”

“Melody Chopkins, my dear, dear friend, I’m so glad you came to us with this. We will all hex this vile creature, free of charge. For what he has done is a crime against humanity itself!” Noof declared.

“We’re gonna need a good hex for this one.” Said Althea. “Got any ideas anyone?”

“I do!” Said Kayla Flayva, who secretly hated Obert Liendsandt even more than Melody.

So the next day, the six ladies all met, wearing black robes and looking astoundingly like Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac. They all drank goat’s blood, and sang satanic chants and danced around a bonfire and just had a merry old time, and the very next day, Obert Liendsandt woke up to an unpleasant surprise.

The doorbell rang at the Liendsandt residence at 9:00 AM, waking him from his slumber. He looked through the peep hole to see hoards of shady-looking characters standing on his front lawn. Gingerly, he opened up the door and asked…

“Can I help you?”

The man on the stoop replied. “Yeah is this the Scat Lovers meeting?”

THE END

Scat is a sexual fetish, wherein people are pleasured by the consumption of human waste. The real Peregrin Chopkins and Kayla Flayva bonded for the first time over accidentally stumbling upon a website dedicated to this fascination and being completely and totally mortified by it.