Pedro Gets Cox By Urto

Starring Urto, Atania, and Crazy E

Produced and Directed by Urto and Atania

Parts are simple. Urto plays the role of Pedro, a foreigner from an unknown culture who speaks no English, or any real language for that matter. Atania takes on the role of Stacy, a new employee at the Cox High Speed Internet tech support hotline. Crazy E takes the role of Stacy’s Boss.

The entire film takes place over the course of a phone conversation between Stacy and Pedro. Naturally, Pedro is at his home, which needs to fill no requirements other than a phone, a chair, and any things the set designer may find to look natural in his home. As for the Cox Headquarters, there should be many desks in the background much like Stacy’s so as to make it appear as if she cannot be helped in this clearly desperate situation. The camera should switch between the two locations at the convenience of the current speaker.

The movie is a short film and should last approximately 10 to 15 minutes.

(Phone rings at the Cox HQ. Stacy picks up the phone.)

Stacy: Thank you for calling Cox! Would you be interested in our Cox Combo? This is Stacy. How may I help you?

Boss: No, no, you see Stacy. Right there. You mixed up the order of the sentences. That guy isn’t going to know what the hell to say anymore! This is why you are a failure at life, and all that will ever be your pathetic excuse for a life. Yours is a shallow existence, with the lies you conceive being only filtered out by those few years in your life which were polluted with sex and heavy drinking.

Stacy: I beg pardon, sir?

Boss: Does the darkened truth of my words split the weak point in your painful post? Dare I-

Stacy: I’m not talking to you, sir. I’m speaking to the customer. He’s mumbling.

Boss: And whose fault is that? Yours. Because you confused him with your messed up sentence order, all because you are unable to cope with your own meaningless existence. Were the drugs your mother did truly enough to keep you on your back throughout your high school years? Was the three abortions you had to be given in secret merely fuel to the eternal fire that burned in your soul? What’s your excuse Stacy? I’ve got mine. It’s called apathy.

Stacy: No, boss. Really, I think something is wrong with this guy on the other line!

Pedro (Who is always on the other end of the line): Mama mia! Rhablahblahblahblah! (Clicks tongue) Zigga wigga wang! Espanola!

Stacy: Um, I think I recognized the word Espanola! But none of those other words he is speaking are Spanish.
Boss: That’s nice, Stacy. Are you trying to make an excuse to hang up? Why don’t you just make up an excuse to get fired? Oh, that’s right. You are a filthy whore and probably need this job to feed your countless kids who are named with numbers because you don’t actually have time to care about them. Boy, the priori of your mind as you spent all that time being the town bike, and the club bike, and the school bike, and the dock bike, and the-

Stacy: (Interrupting Boss to speak to Pedro) Sir! Sir! Just calm down! It’s okay! We can help you. Okay? Just calm down. Now, in a calm, Spanish manner, just tell me what you-

Pedro: No! Si! Ja! Bonjour! La dee da dee Deoxyribonucleic Acid! Rha blah did de daa, big bad pig man ha ha sharade you are!

Stacy: Sir! Sir! I know you are interested in all the great deals Cox has to offer but I cannot help you unless you speak in either complete Spanish sentences or complete English sentences!

Pedro: Me no meg usta gringos!

Stacy: You don’t like white people, eh? That’s uh… helpful.

Boss: Ah, letting your more racist side come out now, Stacy? I remember those high school days. Way back when it was okay to try a little something different, get high, kidnap the school’s only black guy, take him out to the field and beat him up. When he screamed you burned him with a lit cigarette to shut him up. Did you ever do that, Stacy? Because if so, I uh, may look pale and white on the outside but I’m quite black on the inside and I do have the connections. I will, as they say, Fother muck you up 6 ways to Sunday! And by the way, there are only 6 ways to Sunday, each one leading to the next.

Stacy: I’m not even going to go into how little sense that made. I currently have a customer on the line-

Pedro: (Total gibberish)

Stacy: -who is having a difficult time relating what services he would like from Cox to me, and the last thing I need now is-

Boss: Stacy, you do NOT take that tone with me! Do you hear me!

Stacy: You think I’m such a bad girl do you? Gee, let me guess. Fell for some girl a few years back named Stacy. She was such a lovely and kind girl, but you wronged her, right? You wronged her, and now to alleviate the blame which is clearly all yours, you continue to lie to yourself saying that she was a bad girl who was into the whole sex and drug scene. Now all girls named Stacy need to be the very same way so that way you can avert the pain that you made for yourself. Is that it, Boss?

Boss: Well, I-

Stacy: Is that it, Boss?!

Boss: Yes.

Stacy: Oh.

Boss: Yeah.

Stacy: Wow.

(Awkward Silence)

Pedro: Viva La revolutiooooooooooooooon! Viva! Viva! Mickey Mouse! Yo quero taco bell!

Stacy: Whoa, whoa! Calm down… uh…

Pedro: Pedro!

Stacy: Yeah, yeah! Whoa! Calm down Pedro! You haven’t actually gotten Cox yet! Buying it is only half of the Cox experience! And best of all, once you get Cox, you’re all set to get great deals once you buy Cox Digital Cable and Cox Telephone Service and anything else Cox provides slash endorses! Once you get Cox you’ll never go back unless they make T3 cheaper, which is a risk we are willing to take.

Pedro: Si!

Stacy: Now first you have to answer me a few questions. Do you already have a cable line in your house?

Pedro: La dee da! La cupa cupa rache! Shazam! Shaq bad acting! Domo Arigato!

Stacy: That’s nice, Pedro. Really. But I need you to answer my-

Pedro: You are my bitch!
Stacy: No, I’m-

Pedro: Quiet, bitch! On your knees, you will be! (clicks tongue) Bonjour, Mr. Roboto!

Stacy: I’m going to hang up now, okay Pedro?

Pedro: Si!

Stacy: (Hangs up slowly and frightened) Well, that was weird.

Boss: Yes, it was. However, you passed the last Cox test. You handled an insane customer while under extreme mental and physical pressure.

Stacy: Pardon my asking, but what was the physical pressure?

Boss: Aren’t you pregnant?

Stacy: Nope.

Boss: Oh, screw that. The pity act is gone. You are fired.

Stacy: Damn.

Fin