E1pnvn's Note - Hello everyone. If you're reading this, you're probably about to read my story (that, or you are very lost), so thank you. But be warned: this story isn't serious. At all. It was simply a goofy little thing I made up to entertain myself. So, don't expect any complicated plots or exceptional grammar. This was all just to help me relax and laugh a bit. Who knows, maybe it can do the same for you. Enjoy.

---

INSANE FAIRY TALE

Chapter one - Close Encounters of the Weird Kind

Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a beautiful princess. She was so flawlessly gorgeous that even her mirrors would have sighed over her if they'd had the nessecary organs. Naturally, every man in her kingdom wanted to court her. And it is one of those men whose story we will be following. A story of true love and high adventure. A story of good and evil. A story of possessed hamburgers and anthropocentric chickens... Or, basically, just a story. And it all began on a sunny afternoon in late July...

A knight was walking around outside of Far Away Land Castle, humming "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head" as he paced. He was clad in a complete suit of armor and clanged slightly every time he moved, so he didn't hear it when a man approached the palace gates. The man in question looked very suspicious. He was wearing all black and a hood covered his head, making it so the only part of his face that could be seen were his yellowish eyes. The hooded figure stood before the knight and the knight stopped his humming.

"Allow me passage into the castle, Sir Knight," said the hooded man. His voice was as sinister as his appearance.

The knight just looked at him.

"Um..." he said. "Well, sorry pal, but I'm not supposed to let anyone inside. It's the princess' orders."

The knight paused. "Unless YOU'RE the princess," he said. "Quite frankly, I can't see anything through this visor on my helmet..."

The man in the hood blinked.

"Uh... Ok," he said. "In that case, I'm the princess."

"Okie dokie," said the knight, and he started to step aside to let the hooded man pass. But before he could do so, a tiny goblin jumped out from inside of the hooded man's cloak. The little creature was about the size of a cat and covered in slimy green skin.

"Wait a minute,boss!" the goblin said to the hooded man in a high-pitched, annoying voice. "You're not a princess!"

"Gorgie!" the hooded man hissed. "Shut up!"

But the goblin, Gorgie, just kept on talking.

"I mean, firstly, you're a guy," he said. "And secondly, you told me that you were Alakahooz, the evil lord of darkness! You never mentioned being a princess..."

The knight gasped. "You're Alakahooz?" he asked. "The horrible warlock that keeps trying to take over Far Away Land?"

"Um..." said the hooded man. "No."

"Then you LIED to me?" said Gorgie, sounding hurt.

"No Gorgie! Shut up!"

The knight was slow, but he finally understood what was going on and drew his sword.

"You ARE Alakahooz, aren't you?" he said, raising the blade. "Well then, prepare to die!"

The hooded Alakahooz sighed and cast a magic spell on the knight, which caused the man to disintegrate. Then, the warlock carefully stepped over the pile of dust that used to be a guard and entered the castle, Gorgie scurrying along behind him.

"Hey boss," said Gorgie, hurrying to keep up with the warlock's long strides. "Why didn't you just do that in the first place if you wanted to get into the castle?"

"Because it's very messy," said Alakahooz. "I think I even got some of him on my shoes! Oh, and Gorgie?"

"Yes, boss?"

"Remind me to kill you later."

"Ok," said the goblin with a stupid grin.

After a few minutes of walking and the occasional disintegrating of any knights that got in their way, Alakahooz and Gorgie came to the palace gardens. There they walked around a while more until they came to the specific courtyard Alakahooz had been looking for. The courtyard was occupied and the two of them hid behind a bush to spy on the person sitting there.

It was the princess of Far Away Land. She was sitting on a bench, singing a sweet melody and combing her beautiful blonde hair. Birds were flocked around her, attracted by both her pretty singing and the fact that they were psychotic and thought she was a giant worm.

"Hey, it's the princess!" said Gorgie.

"Shhh, be quiet!" said Alakahooz. "I don't want her to hear you!"

"Oh, I see," said Gorgie, his voice much softer now. "We're spying on her, aren't we? I get it. So, what's the evil plot this time, boss? Are we going to kidnap her for ransom? Or are we going to hypnotize her to make her think she's a frog and appoint you as king of Far Away Land?"

"Good ideas," said Alakahooz, jotting down the ideas in a notebook. "But no, that's not why we're here."

"Then why are we watching her?" asked the goblin.

Alakahooz smiled dreamily and a groggy look came to his eyes. "Because she's pretty..."

Gorgie almost fell over.

"So we got past all of those guards and junk just so's you could get goggly-eyed over the princess?!" he said in disbelief.

"Basically," said Alakahooz.

Gorgie sighed dramatically, but didn't complain. It was always better not to disagree with evil warlocks.

They continued their spying for awhile, until finally the princess left the courtyard to go back inside. Alakahooz watched her until she was out of sight. The warlock sighed, still smiling.

"Oh, the beautiful princess..." he said. "How I wish she would marry me..."

"Marry you?" said Gorgie, bursting into laughter. "Yeah right!"

Alakahooz gave him a warning look. "Gorgie..."

But the goblin didn't detect the annoyance in his master's voice.

"Why would she marry YOU?" Gorgie continued, still laughing. "You're evil, just like your father was evil. It's been passed down for generations and generations..."

"GORGIE..." said Alakahooz. His voice was hard with impatience.

But Gorgie still didn't get the hint.

"And you're not that easy on the eyes, boss," the goblin said. "I mean, you look KIND of handsome, I'll give you that, but those horns you have kind of make you look... well... not human. Although, I guess you AREN'T exactly human 'cus your mom was a dragon but-."

"GORGIE!!" Alakahooz shouted.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Ok."

With that taken care of, Alakahooz returned to his sighing, admiring the bench where his princess had been sitting moments before.

"Some day I WILL win the princess' heart," he said to himself. "I'll be her Alakahooz and she'll be my... my..."

He blinked.

"Gorgie, what is the princess' name?"

"Uh..." said the goblin. "I dunno."

Alakahooz jumped to his feet, knocking Gorgie over and ruffling the bush they were behind.

"Quickly!" he cried. "We must find out her name!"

"But how?" asked Gorgie, getting to his stubby goblin feet.

"I will go on a dangerous quest in search of the valuable information!" Alakahooz declared. "And while I'm at it, I will face even more perils to learn of her hobbies, interests, and other crucial things about her!"

"Wow, you're so devoted!" said Gorgie. "Where are we going?"

"To the Far Away Land Mall!" said Alakahooz.

Gorgie raised an eyebrow. "Eh?"

"That's where all the gossip can be heard," Alakahooz said, matter-of-factly.

"Okie dokie," said Gorgie. "Then I will accompany you!"

"Well of course you will," said Alakahooz. "I am your master, after all. And I still have to kill you later, remember?"

"Oh, right, I forgot..." said Gorgie stupidly.

A few minutes of non-relevance later, Gorgie and Alakahooz were standing in the Food Court of Far Away Land Mall. The place was packed with teenagers of every shape, size and miscellaneous piercing. Alakahooz could almost feel the gossip as if it were a tangible thing.

"Come, Gorgie," he said to his goblin lackey. "Let us act natural."

He went over to a Ye Olde Burger Stande and leaned against the counter, trying to look casual. Gorgie sat on the counter by his master's head.

"Um... boss?" the goblin said after a while. "Don't you think it's a little weird that no one notices you're a mysterious hooded figure?"

"They're teenagers, Gorgie," said Alakahooz. "They don't care. Now, let us find some people to tell us about the princess..."

He scanned the crowd, looking for gossip-loving people. He caught sight of three girls, who looked to be around sixteen, sitting together at a table. They were giggling: a sure sign of gossip.

"They look perfect!" said Alakahooz. "Don't you agree, Gorgie? ... Gorgie?"

But Gorgie was too busy talking to the man running the burger stand.

"Yeah, I'll have a Squire Meal with a Medieval Milkshake and fries..." the goblin was saying. "Oh, and I want the burger without pickles..."

Alakahooz, thoroughly annoyed, grabbed Gorgie by the neck before he could finish his order and dragged him away. When they were a safe distance from the Ye Olde Burger Stande, he put Gorgie back down.

"This is no time for snacks, Gorgie!" he hissed. "We have a job to do!"

"But I'm HUNGRY!" Gorgie whined.

"How can you be hungry?" said Alakahooz, throwing up his arms in exasperation. "You just ate lunch twenty minutes ago!"

"I have three stomachs..." said Gorgie.

Alakahooz was silent for a moment. Then he said: "Ew."

"Gee, thanks," said Gorgie, sarcastically.

"Well, come on," said Alakahooz, trying to change the subject. "Let's go talk to those girls!"

And with that, he dragged Gorgie over to where the three girls were sitting.

"I'm, like, so totally excited!" one girl was saying.

"Why?" asked another, her blush-covered eyes wide with interest.

"I just got my Horse's Permit!" said the first girl.

The other two girls gasped.

"NO WAY!" they said. "That's, like, totally awesome!"

"I know," said Girl #1. "Now I can ride my own horse! They hay costs a lot though and the exhaust is murder... But isn't that, like, so cool? Although, I still need to get my license before I can ride without an adult on the seat behind me..."

"But still, it's so cool!" said Girl #2.

"Totally!" said Girl #3.

Alakahooz decided to interrupt. He cleared his throat to get the girls' attentions.

"ECHEM. Good day, ladies," he said.

The girls just stared at him.

"Why are you wearing a hood?" Girl #1 asked.

"See! I told you they'd notice!" Gorgie said triumphantly. Alakahooz kicked him before answering Girl #1.

"Um, I'm from someplace cold," he said.

"Ooh, like the north pole?" said Girl #1.

"That is, like, totally cute!" said Girl #2.

"Yeah!" said Girl #3. "We think Eskimos are, like, totally hot!" She paused a moment. "I mean cold!"

Alakahooz blinked. "Er..."

The girls giggled.

"Do they, like, have penguins where you live?" Girl #1 asked.

Girl #2 gasped. "Oh. My. GOSH. I, like, totally LOVE penguins!"

"Yeah!" said Girl #3. "They're, like, the cutest fish ever!"

"Um... Actually, penguins are birds..." Alakahooz said.

Girl #1 gasped. "You're, like, totally right!" she said.

"Teehee, you're so smart," said Girl #2.

"We, like, LOVE smart guys," said Girl #3.

They looked at him flirtatiously. Feeling wildly uncomfortable, Alakahooz let out a nervous laugh.

"Er... uh... I think I should get going..." he said.

And with that, he grabbed Gorgie and ran away.

When he finally felt safe again (somewhere near the jewlery department) Alakahooz slowed down to a stop.

"Phew, that was close," he said, panting slightly.

"Yeah," said Gorgie. "I never knew teenagers were so scary! Although, penguins ARE the cutest fish ever..."

"Hmm..." said Alakahooz, scratching his chin. "I think we should try a different strategy. Talking to people just isn't going to work. We don't want to risk me being flirted with again..."

The warlock had a very serious expression on his face.

"It is time for me to do the most dangerous task of all..." he murmured.

Gorgie gave him a funny look. "Eh?"

"I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this..." Alakahooz said. "But I've been left with no other choice! I must go-"

Lightning flashed.

"-into the girls restroom!"

Gorgie gasped. "WHY?!"

"Everyone knows that the best gossip in Far Away Land can be found written on the stalls in the girl's restrooms," said Alakahooz. "So I must journey there!"

"No, boss! It's too dangerous!"

"I must!" said Alakahooz. "Come, Gorgie!"

And with that, he wisked his goblin minion deeper into the depths of the mall. Far too soon, they were standing outside of the dreaded girl's restroom.

"Stay here, Gorgie," said Alakahooz. "This is something I must do on my own."

Gorgie blinked. "That's good with me!" he said with a grin.

"Wait for me," said Alakahooz. "If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer."

Gorgie, who was getting a little emotional, clicked his heels together and gave his brave master a salute. "Aye, aye, sir!"

Alakahooz then bid his minion one last farewell before journeying into the terrifying unknown.

He stepped into the restroom and looked around, half expecting to be ambushed at any moment. But the place was desserted. He looked around the tiled floors and pink walls and eventually relaxed.

"Hmm... It's actually rather nice in here," he said.

But then he shook himself. He couldn't be admiring the scenary; he had a mission to take care of! After regrouping, he slipped into one of the stalls and looked at the wall. Sure enough, it was covered in graffitti.

"Lancelot is hot!" read one message.

"For good time, call Morgan Le Fay," said another.

And a third read: "Arthur should shove his round table up Merlin's butt!"

But he skimmed over those without paying them much heed. He had read almost the entire wall before he found what he needed.

"Aha!" he said, putting a finger on the graffitti in question.

The message read: "Princess Kyara is to have a ball on Wednesday. There will be loads of princes. Don't miss it!"

"So... her name is Kyara," the warlock said, stroking his chin. "And a ball! I must go to this ball! I might even be able to meet her..."

Before he could think on the subject any further, however, the door to the bathroom suddenly opened and someone came inside. Alakahooz gasped. Without thinking, he stormed out of the stall, ready to disintegrate whoever had come in. But then he realized that that would be messy! He tried to get back into the stall, but it was too late. He'd been caught! The girl in front of him stared at him with wide eyes.

"Uh, uh, um..." said Alakahooz, completely flustered.

"What are you doing here?!" the girl cried. She could easily tell that the person in front of her was male and therefore didn't belong.

"Uh... uh..." said Alakahooz. He racked his brain for any possible excuse. And, surprisingly, he found one.

"Um... I was just going to the bathroom, that's all," he said, in a high-pitched voice. "My name's... Annie, by the way. I'm the founder and president of Cross-Dressers Anonymous. Would you like to join?"

"Um... no, thank you," said the girl.

She looked at him suspiciously for a moment, then finally disappeared into one of the stalls.

Alakahooz sighed in relief and hurried out of the restroom.

"So, what did you learn on your mission, boss?" Gorgie asked when the warlock was outside.

"I learned that there is to be a ball on Wednesday at the castle," said Alakahooz. "And I must attend it."

Gorgie stared at him.

"Um... boss..." he said. "You're kind of evil. They probably won't let you into a royal ball."

"Well..." said Alakahooz, a little taken aback by the realization. "Um... I'll simply have to wear a disguise!"

"Ok... but you'll need a very good disguise," said Gorgie, his tone mischievous.

Alakahooz raised an eyebrow. "Do you have anything in mind?"

Gorgie smiled.

A few hours later, the two of them were standing in the middle of a forest, outside of a mysterious tower. It was a long way away from the Far Away Land Mall and Gorgie had had to ask for directions five times, but he had found it.

"What is this tower doing in the middle of the forest?" Alakahooz asked.

"Nevermind that!" said Gorgie, jumping up and down excitedly. "This is the tower where the damsel Rapunzel lives!"

Alakahooz blinked. "... So?"

"SO, she's the greatest hairstylist in Far Away Land!" said Gorgie. "And she'll be able to give you some pretty snazzy clothes too! It'll be the perfect disguise!"

"Hmm... Sounds intriguing," said Alakahooz, gazing up at the tower. "Well, let's call her down."

"Er... there's just one problem..." said Gorgie. He scratched his head uncertainly.

"Yes?" said Alakahooz, in a tone that said "this better not be something too bad".

"She's... kinda... a damsel in distress," said Gorgie.

"WHAAAT?!" Alakahooz screamed.

"If you want that disguise, you'll have to rescue her," said Gorgie, cowering behind a rock.

"No no! Nu-uh! NO WAY!" Alakahooz cried, practically pulling out his hair in anger. "I'm EVIL, get the picture? I don't rescue people!"

"But you HAVE to!" said Gorgie, still from safely behind his rock.

Alakahooz bit his lip. He was evil; rescuing and being nice to people was just not something an evil warlock did. But... he suddenly pictured Princess Kyara's face in his mind. He took a deep breath.

"Fine," he said. "I'll do it."

He looked up at the single window that sat near the top of the tower. Then, he cupped his hands around his mouth and called: "Lady Rapunzel! Lady Rapunzel!"

A girl with short blonde hair stuck her head out of the window and looked down at him.

"Yes?" Rapunzel asked.

"Um... uh... I'm here to... rescue you," Alakahooz said, barely able to force out the painful words.

"WHEEEEE!" Rapunzel cried. "Yay! Oh, you are so sweet! Thank you!"

"Yes..." Alakahooz said through gritted teeth. "Sweet..."

"So... how're you gonna save me?" Rapunzel asked.

"With my magic, of course," said Alakahooz. "I'm a warlock. I can teleport you down here." He paused. "But I must be touching you to teleport you..."

"No problem. You can come on up if you'd like!" said Rapunzel, cheerfully.

"But... how?" said Alakahooz.

"You can climb up my hair," said Rapunzel.

Alakahooz examined the lady's short blonde locks and laughed a little.

"But, Lady Rapunzel," he said. "You're hair is much too short!"

"Not the hair on my HEAD, silly!" said Rapunzel.

She then lifted her arm and her incredibly long armpit hair fell over the windowsill like a rope, the end of it hanging right next to Alakahooz's nose. Alakahooz gagged and Gorgied fainted.

"I-Is there no other way up?" the warlock choked.

Rapunzel considered this.

"Nope," she said finally. "Unless you can teleport up here with your magic or something..."

Alakahooz blinked. "Right, didn't think of that..." he said.

He teleported himself up to Rapunzel's room and teleported back down with the hairy damsel in his arms. He then hurriedly put Rapunzel down.

"Thank you so much!" Rapunzel said, trying to give him a hug, which Alakahooz expertly dodged.

"Uh, yeah..." he said. "So, aren't you going to ask me how you can repay me?"

Rapunzel though about it. "Um... no, not really."

Alakahooz almost fell over.

"Well, can you please help me anyway?" he snapped.

"Ok," said Rapunzel.

So Alakahooz and Gorgie led the damsel to the warlock's evil lair. Once they were hidden in its depths, Alakahooz rounded on her.

"I need you to make me a disguise that will make me look like a handsome prince!" he said, bluntly.

"Ok," said Rapunzel. "But first, lemme take your measurements... Can you take off that hood?"

Alakahooz instantly held his hood closely to his head.

"Um... no," he said.

"Why not?" asked Rapunzel.

"... Because."

"Becuase why?"

"Because he's evil and doesn't want you to know," said Gorgie.

"GORGIE!!" Alakahooz shrieked.

But Rapunzel seemed unperturbed.

"Oh, that's ok," she said. "I've worked with all sorts of evil clients before. I guess I'll just have to make you something based on your height..."

And with that, she set to work. Alakahooz and Gorgie waited for hours and hours for her to finish. Then, right when Alakahooz was starting to consider disintegrating her for making him wait, Rapunzel said: "It's done!"

Alakahooz was beside her in a heartbeat.

"Let me try it on!" he said, snatching the disguise from her hands.

He donned her creation, then examined himself in a nearby mirror. Gorgie had been right; Rapunzel made great disguises. Alakahooz now looked like a handsome human with soft brown locks, dreamy blue eyes, and a smile enough to knock any girl out cold. It was perfect.

"Thank you, Rapunzel!" the warlock said, excitedly. "Now I can go to the ball!"

Rapunzel cleared her throat.

Alakahooz looked at her, confused. "Yes?"

"You have to pay for that," said Rapunzel.

Alakahooz grumbled angrily, but fished out his money nonetheless and paid Rapunzel. The damsel skipped happily away.

"You see?" Alakahooz snapped. "That's why I'm not a hero! They get no respect!"

Gorgie looked at him blankly.

"... Huh?" he said. "Sorry, I wasn't listening."

Alakahooz whacked the goblin on the head.

"Gorgie, remind me to kill you later..."

---

E1pnvn's Other Note - So, there you have it. You have survived chapter one! If you have the time, please review; it would be much appreciated. Thanks.