E1pnvn's Note - I was originally going to call this chapter "The Great Goblin Jockey" but I got a little caught up in things that dealt with the plot and... well, utter stupidity. So, The Great Goblin Jockey will be the fourth chapter instead. I have half of it written already and I have to say that it's my favorite chapter so far, maybe even better than chapter one. So you all have something to look forward to!

Oh, and by the way. There's a little bit of... er... crude humor in this chapter. I'm wondering if I should change the rating to "T" or not. I'd appreciate suggestions if any of you have them!

INSANE FAIRY TALE

Chapter three - The Birds and the Goblins

The next day, Alakahooz sprawled out across his sofa and did the only thing any self-respecting evil warlock who's turned inexplicably nice could do: wallowed in self-pity.

"I'm nice," Alakahooz moaned to the world in general. "My father is evil. I have to do evil things. I'm in BIG trouble."

Then, Alakahooz thought of something that could make him feel better. He sat bolt upright, a smile suddenly on his face.

"Kyara..." he whispered.

And with that thought, he appeared outside of Far Away Land Castle in his prince disguise faster than a cheetah on caffeine and sugar cubes.

"Please let me in, Sir Knight," he said to the guard at the gate.

"Sorry," said the knight. "Only those with the princess' permission can enter. And I can see perfectly well 'cus my helmet doesn't have a visor and you aren't the princess!"

Alakahooz sighed. "Um... Can you just talk to the princess for me?" he asked. "Tell her that it's Ali and I want to see her. She'll understand."

"Hmmm..." said the knight, eyeing him suspiciously. "Well, normally I wouldn't. But you seem like a very nice, un-evil, young man." Alakahooz flinched. "I'll see what I can do."

And so, the knight went to go talk to the princess. Of course, Alakahooz could have just sneaked into the castle while the not-so-bright guard was away, but Conscience quietly tisked him when the idea crossed his mind.

"Right..." Alakahooz muttered, rolling his eyes. "Sneaking is 'wrong'..."

Soon enough, the knight returned.

"Well, the princess says you can come in," he said. "She almost seemed excited whenI mentioned you..."

Alakahooz blushed. "R-really?" he said. "Um, well, thanks."

He gave the knight a nod and entered the castle. He automatically went to the gardens and the courtyard where Kyara always sat and sang to the birds. She was there waiting for him, sitting on her usual bench with the psycho birds all around her. She smiled when Alakahooz entered.

"How did you know to find me here?" she asked.

Alakahooz sat down next to her. "I've snuck past the guards and spied on you in this garden before," he said, matter-of-factly.

Kyara blinked. "Wow," she said, laughing a little. "Again with that striking honesty of yours..."

"Is that bad?" asked Alakahooz.

"No, no, not at all," said Kyara. "It's actually quite refreshing... Although the things you do are sometimes a little strange."

"Hey, I wouldn't have gone into the girl's restroom unless I'd HAD to!" said Alakahooz.

Kyara laughed.

"You are definitely an odd bird, Ali," she said. "So, why have you come to visit me today?"

"Um... I don't know," said Alakahooz. "I just wanted to see you again."

Kyara's cheeks turned a light shade of pink.

"I'm glad..." she said, softly.

Alakahooz returned her blush.

While they continued talking, there was a small rustling in the nearby bushes, although they were too wrapped up in each other to notice. The bush moved again and Gorgie poked his head out. He had followed Alakahooz all the way there, watching him with as much suspicion as one with a single digit IQ can muster.

"Boss, what are you doing?" the goblin whispered. "If your dad knew you were here..."

Suddenly, one of the demented birds from the garden spotted Gorgie. She flew over to perch on his shoulder.

"Coo..." the bird said.

"Shoo, go away!" Gorgie hissed. "Can't you see I'm trying to spy on a lovesick warlock over here?"

"Coo..." said the bird. If birds could smile, she would have been grinning.

"Uhhh..." said Gorgie, more than a little worried.

Then, without warning, the bird hopped on top of him and started doing obscene things to his head.

"What the-?!" Gorgie yelped. And he ended the statement with a string of rather colorful goblin swears.

"Coo-lala," the bird said, flirtatiously.

"Eek!" said Gorgie.

Meanwhile, Alakahooz and Kyara were too busy laughing and talking and blushing to notice the attempted love-making to a goblin's head by an insane female bird.

"Ali..." Kyara said, her cheeks still a bit pink. "There's going to be a horse race on Saturday. The royal family is going to go watch it. I... I would love it if you would join us."

"R-really?" said Alakahooz. "Sure!"

"Wonderful!" said Kyara. "Meet me outside of the castle on Saturday."

"Ok!"

Alakahooz wanted to say something more to Kyara, but suddenly something inside of him snapped. His My-Stupid-Goblin-Sidekick-Has-Gotten-Himself-Into-Trouble-Once-Again Sense was tingling.

"Um... I have to go," he said.

"Ok..." said Kyara, a little disappointedly. "See you Saturday!"

Alakahooz got to his feet, smiling.

"See you," he said. "Um..."

He hesitated, then quickly gave her a kiss on the cheek before hurrying out of the garden. Kyara was surprised at first, but then smiled and put a hand to her cheek. And she kept her hand there for a long time...

Meanwhile, Alakahooz began exploring the castle's elaborate garden complex, looking around for his strange goblin minion.

"Gorgie..." the warlock called. "Are you around here somewhere?"

"Right here, boss," came a weak voice from above him.

Alakahooz looked up. Sitting in a nearby tree, looking very much distressed, was Gorgie.

"Uh... Are you ok?" Alakahooz asked.

"N-no," said Gorgie. "Get her away from me!"

"Get who-?" Alakahooz began. But before he could finish, the insane female bird returned to do obscene things to Gorgie's head again.

"GYAAAAAAAAAHH!"Gorgie cried. "It's so mentally scarring!"

"Don't worry!" said Alakahooz. "I'll save you!"

He got into a heroic pose. Then, he rushed to the tree and prepared to cast a spell to disintegrate the pesky bird. But right when he was about to strike, Conscience cleared his throat.

"No, no, no," the humane little being in Alakahooz's subconscience said. "Don't be bad, Alakahooz!"

"Eh?" said the warlock.

"You can't kill that defenseless bird!" said Conscience. "It's not right!"

"DEFENSELESS?!" said Alakahooz. "Do you not see what that thing's doing to my minion? I really think Gorgie is disturbed enough as it is without something like this happening, thank you very much."

Conscience coughed. "Well, uh, all that aside..." he said. "It's still not right. The bird is crazy; it's not her fault. Just like it isn't your goblin friend's fault that he's crazy."

"Gorgie's not THAT crazy," Alakahooz said, defensively.

"The guy talks to cheese."

"... That only happened once."

"Anyway," said Conscience. "My point is that killing the bird is immoral. So don't do it!"

"But Gorgie..."

"And besides," Conscience continued. "Disintegrating it would be messy, remember?"

"Right!" said Alakahooz. "Gotta remember hygiene!"

And thus, the subconscious conversation ended. Alakahooz sighed and went on to plan B. He cast a spell and started to conjure something up.

"Hurry boss!" Gorgie sobbed. "This bird is giving me emotional complexes!"

"Just hang on, Gorgie! I'm almost finished!" said Alakahooz.

Finally, he was done. He stepped back a little and admired his work.

He'd conjured a chicken. But it wasn't an ordinary chicken. To a female bird, this chicken was more gorgeous than a well-oiled, muscular underwear model was to a teenage girl. He had such pretty blue and purple plummage, and his dreamy brown eyes were just screaming: "Come on, baby, let's go cross a road". The female bird on Gorgie's head let out an excited "COO!" and instantly dived down to the chicken and the two of them left, chirping and clucking happily. Gorgie grinned and climbed out of the tree.

"Phew! Thanks boss!" he said. "I think I'm gonna steer clear from birds for awhile..."

"I understand," said Alakahooz, with a nod. "Come, Gorgie. Let's go home."

And with that, they started out of the castle, Gorgie fidgeting slightly every time they saw a pigeon or a sparrow.

When they returned to Alakahooz's lair, they both sat on the sofa and stared off into space. Since he was done with his self-pitying, Alakahooz found himself in a terrible state of boredom. He sighed.

Gorgie smiled.

Alakahooz looked at him, raising an eyebrow.

But Gorgie didn't say anything. He frowned. Then he smiled again. Then he frowned. Then smiled, then frowned, then smiled, then frowned, then...

"Gorgie, stop it!" Alakahooz snapped. "That's really annoying, not to mention stupid..."

"Sorry, boss..." said Gorgie.

There was a long silence.

Gorgie frowned.

Then smiled, then frowned, then smiled, then frowned, then...

"GORGIE!!"

"Sorry, boss! I'm just bored, that's all!" said the goblin.

"I guess I'm a little bored too," Alakahooz admitted. "But I imagine something interesting is going to happen soon, otherwise this section of the story would be incredibly pointless."

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

"See?" said Alakahooz, getting up to answer it. "What did I tell you?"

He slowly opened the door. But when he saw who was there, he almost cried out in horror. Standing in the doorway was a very evil-looking man with black hair and a black mustache. He was dressed in long, dark robes and gray boots.

And, at seeing Alakahooz, he broke into a very uncharacteristic grin.

"Son!" he exclaimed.

"H-h-hi, Dad..." said Alakahooz, leaning on the doorframe for support.

Gorgie overheard and quickly came running over to the two of them. He dropped into a clumsy bow at Alakahooz's father's feet.

"Arnando the Awful!" the goblin squeaked. "How wonderful it is to see you, sir! Is there anything I can do for you? Polish your shoes perhaps? Or anything else that might keep you from doing horrible things to me?"

Arnando the Awful laughed. "I'm perfectly content, goblin," he said. "Although, I might kill you later, just for a little fun..."

"Eep," said Gorgie.

"But anyway, back to the reason I came here..." Arnando continued, turning to Alakahooz. "How is that evil plot of yours coming along, son?"

"Uh... um..." said Alakahooz.

Inside Alakahooz's mind, Conscience whispered: "Did I mention that lying is bad too?"

"Shut up!" the warlock hissed.

To his father, he said: "Um... It's been... fine..."

"And by fine you mean fantastic, correct?" said Arnando.

"Er..." said Alakahooz.

"Because if you don't, I'll just have to take over Far Away Land instead of you," Arnando said. "And I'll have to mutilate you and your goblin for being such an embarrassment."

Alakahooz and Gorgie both had the same horrified look on their faces. But Arnando seemed unaware of this and chuckled.

"But that won't be a problem, right son?" he said, patting a very pale Alakahooz on the back.

"R-r-right..." said Alakahooz.

With one last smile to his son, Arnando left to go do other evil things, leaving Alakahooz and Gorgie alone once again. There was a long silence. Then Alakahooz screamed at the top of his lungs.

Gorgie jumped. "Huh?"

"What am I going to do, Gorgie?!" Alakahooz cried, pulling at his hair. "I can't be evil and take over Far Away Land, but if I DON'T do it my father will kill me and, worse, practically destroy the world!!"

"And he'll kill me too. Don't forget that," said Gorgie.

"Uuuuugh," the warlock moaned.

He sank into the sofa, holding his head in his hands. Gorgie sat on the couch's arm and looked at him.

"Don't fret, boss!" he said. "You're the not-so-evil genius. You'll be able to figure something out."

"I guess you're right..." said Alakahooz.

"Hey boss..." said Gorgie, a mischeivous look on his face.

"What?"

Gorgie smiled. Then frowned.

"Oh no. Don't start that again," said Alakahooz.

But Gorgie smiled again. Then frowned, then smiled, then frowned.

"I'm serious Gorgie! Your face is going to stay that way if you keep doing that..."

But Gorgie just kept on making his odd faces.

"C'mon boss!" he said. "It's fun!"

"Oh... Alright," said Alakahooz. He smiled.

"That's it!" said Gorgie.

Alakahooz frowned. The smiled, then frowned, then smiled. The two of them continued their strange (and yet oddly entertaining) ritual until at last, they were tired of it.

"That WAS kind of fun..." said Alakahooz.

"Told you so!" said Gorgie, with a grin.

Alakahooz scratched his head, then muttered: "Gorgie, remind me to-."

"Kill me later?" said Gorgie.

Alakahooz blinked. "No," he said. "Remind me to come up with a plan to escape my father's evil wrath later."

"Oh... Ok!" said Gorgie.

But Gorgie didn't keep that promise. Being the idiotic goblin that he was, he was too busy having gripping conversations with potatoes to remind Alakahooz of anything. So, when Saturday came, Alakahooz was still doomed.

"Oh well..." he muttered to himself as he was getting into his prince costume. "At least I won't have to worry about all that at Kyara's horse race..."

And with that, he teleported himself to Far Away Land Castle. It didn't take long for the princess to join him, wearing a blue dress and carrying a parasol. Alakahooz smiled, but stopped when he saw who Kyara had brought with her.

There were three other people. The first one was a giant of a man with blonde hair and a long, curly beard of the same color. He was wearing elaborate robes and a golden crown, so Alakahooz assumed he was the king. The next person was a very short and stout little woman with brown hair and a cheeky smile. Alakahooz decided that she was the queen. And finally, the last person was a gangly teenage boy with dark hair and acne who, because there were no other spots open, must have been Kyara's brother. Either that or her incredibly ugly sister...

"Hello, Ali," said Kyara, with a beautiful smile.

Alakahooz grinned back. "Hello..."

But he was interrupted by the king. The giant man was standing right beside the warlock, towering over him like an elephant towers over a cockroach.

"So, YOU'RE the young man I've heard so much about..." the king said, gruffly.

"Yeah... I guess I am," said Alakahooz.

Kyara's father suddenly stuck his face right next to Alakahooz's so that their noses were inches apart. The warlock yelped.

"What's your status, young man?" the king barked.

"Uhh..."

"ANSWER ME!"

"I-I'm a warlock," said Alakahooz.

"Are you dating my daughter?"

"WHA-?!"

"Because if you hurt her I'll-."

"FATHER," said Kyara, touching the king's shoulder. "Please..."

The king backed off, still glaring at Alakahooz.

"Yes, Joseph, be nice," said the queen. She waddled over to Alakahooz, beaming. "Oh, I just ADORE all of Kyara's little friends. My name's Mimi..."

She took Alakahooz's hand and eagerly shook it. "Uh... hi," said Alakahooz. Her cheerfulness was almost as creepy as King Joseph's threats...

"Vincent," Mimi called to her son. "Be polite! Come and say hello."

The teen grumbled and stepped forward.

"Hi, Vincent," said Alakahooz, holding out a hand.

Vincent stared at the hand, then up at Alakahooz.

"Do you know how many germs there are on the average person's hand?" he asked, darkly.

"Uh... No..." said Alakahooz, letting his arm drop to his side. He was feeling more and more awkward by the minute. "S-so, should we get going now?"

He turned to Joseph, but the king just glared at him. Alakahooz paled.

"Um, yes," Kyara said, quickly. "Yes, let's go..."

And so, the five of them began to board a carriage (which had suddenly appeared out of nowhere). As they were busy doing so, none of them noticed it when a tree rustled nearby. The branches shook, causing leaves to fly everywhere, and suddenly Gorgie appeared. He was sitting on a branch, watching the spectacle below.

"Gosh, it was so much easier spying on boss from in a bush," the goblin muttered. "These trees are hard to climb..."

He watched as the group below him entered the carriage. Alakahooz and Kyara were chatting while Joseph glared at them, Mimi chortled, and Vincent simply filled up space with his odd presence.

"Ooh, I should follow them..." said Gorgie.

But just then, there was a rustling in the leaves behind him.

"Caw."

Gorgie turned around. There, sitting on the branch beside him, was a huge black crow. A huge black FEMALE crow. She tilted her head to one side, watching him.

"GYAAAAA! NOOOOO!" Gorgie screamed. "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PERVERTED THING!"

In his flustered state, he lost his balance and went tumbling out of the tree. He landed neatly on top of the royal carriage.

"Oh, that was convenient..." he said, smiling.

Suddenly, the carriage started to move at full speed and Gorgie flew off, landing on the ground with an "OOF!".

"... And that WASN'T so convenient!" the goblin said. "Hey boss, wait up!"

And with that, he hopped to his feet and scurried after his master.

The Thank You So So Much Section!

TobyKikami - Thanks for the review! Glad you liked it!

Cheesey Brussle Sprouts - Dr. Butts is happy to be appreciated. Haha.

Alteng - Hey! I have a morbid, scary story for you! I read about it and knew you'd like it.(Echem.) Well, there was this graveyard somewhere in Europe and during the Middle Ages it was used so often that something happened to the soil that caused the bodies to not decay properly. So they just sat there, stinking up the place. And then, one day, the graveyard actually collapsed and (get this) the bodies spilled into some poor soul's wine cellar. Gross, huh? I thought you'd appreciate that...

Doray - Hey! Thanks for the spelling alerts. I appreciate them! Oh, and I finally figured out that it's the Phillipines! I feel smart, haha.

DragonlanceElidorLotRLegolas - Thanks a lot!

Jessica Wright - Thanks and your welcome.

E1pnvn - Haha, I'm such a dork...

Daviot - Wow, you actually compared my story to The Princess Bride? That's one of my favorite books!! You made me very spastically happy, thank you. As for Far Away Land's name, I was feeling uncreative. Haha.

whitepeanut - Alakahooz wasn't at all pleased with your review, but I sure was! Haha.

Eyetk - Yeah, I didn't like the second chapter as much as the first either. Oh well. Thanks for all the tips! And as for Gorgie... Well, he's whatever I need him to be to make things entertaining, haha.

FunkyFlower14 - Glad you like it so much. I'm 13, yes, and there are quotes from Harry Potter on my bio thingy. I love your poems, by the way!

fantasywriter22 - Thanks a ton! Good day to you as well!

Thanks everybody. I hope that you guys are still liking the story!