ACT I,scene iii

(SETTING: Science Biology Lab)
(LIGHTS UP: Dr. Dover is leading two students per table)

WILLY SHAKES
What noble quest shall we accost on a fine day that is today?

DR. DOVER
Today we shall commence with lacerating the Acris crepitans’ gastrointestinal tracts, and start injecting illegal drugs into their vile green hearts!
(Dr. Dover’s eyes start bulging from his skull)
(Crickets chirping)

Class blinks

IN UNISON
Huh?

DR. DOVER
(Waving his arms)
And this is a biology class..? Where we dissect--

CLASS
DISSECT? Woo hoo! Hoorah! Hooray!

WILLY SHAKES
'How now, a rat? Dead for a ducat, dead.'

(Places a paternal hand of Willy’s head)
This is a frog, Willy, a frog, my boy.

Camera zooms in on PAPRIKA and PEPPERCORN’s table

PEPPERCORN
This is radical, man! We’re so totally dissecting a frog, man!

PAPRIKA
(Impersonating Dr. Dover)
No! Us cattle will now ordain an experiment!
(Elapses into a fit of stifled giggles)

DR. DOVER hands out lab equipment

PAPRIKA
(Holds up forceps in wonder)
I think I’ll hold up the frog’s skin while you, you know, cut him up.

WILLY SHAKES walks by

WILLY SHAKES
'Is this a dagger which I see before me,
Thy handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.’

PEPPERCORN
Good idea. I think we should, like, name him Bob.

PAPRIKA
(Nods seriously)
Very original. I like.

PEPPERCORN starts cutting but sneezes and rips one of Bob’s essential arteries

DR. DOVER
Now, my wonderful pupils, observe. Into the frog’s heart, you must disseminate fifteen drops of Vial 1, which contains lysergic acid diethylamide, which, might I add, is not suitable for consumption.

PEPPERCORN
Okay, let’s do it!
Squeezes too hard and spills substance onto her hands

PEPPERCORN
(Not noticing, bites her fingernail)
Oh man, I am so a klutz.

PAPRIKA
(Wide-eyed)
It smells rad!

Inhales too deeply and the some fluid flies up her nose

PEPPERCORN starts playing patty cake with the frog’s little hands

PAPRIKA pinches the frog’s legs with the forceps

BOB THE FROG
Ow.

PEPPERCORN
(Freezes)
I heard something.

PAPRIKA
Yeah man, what was that?

BOB THE FROG
Down here. I’m down here.

PEPPERCORN
No way! The frog is talking to us!

BOB THE FROG
Can you please let go of my skin? That’s going to leave a mark.
(Pause)
You know.

PAPRIKA lets go of BOB’s skin

PAPRIKA
Sorry about that.

DR. DOVER
(In the background)
Okay, so now you add ...

PAPRIKA
How can you talk? Now that’s just, like, impossible.

BOB THE FROG
Do you really want to know?

PEPPERCORN AND PAPRIKA IN UNISON
Yeah!

The Pillsberry Dough Boy runs across the stage

PAPRIKA
(Apprehensively)
I hope this is not leading where I think it’s leading.

BOB THE FROG
(Sighs more deeply)
Never mind. However, I have a favor to ask. I would appreciate it immensely if you two set me free.

PAPRIKA
(Looks around densely)
Hmm ... What do you think, PEPPERCORN? We could do that.

PEPPERCORN
Yeah. And, like, totally getting our asses whooped.

PAPRIKA
(Is lost)
Really? By who?

BOB THE FROG

(Panicking)
But it is imperative that you set me free! I must go home!

Cries hysterically and breaks into woeful song

BOB THE FROG

(Sung to the tune of “I’m Just a Girl” by No Doubt)
Take this Ethel out of my lungs,
I’m exposed
And it’s no big surprise,
Don’t you think I know
Exactly where I lay
This scientific world is forcing me to open my heart

‘Cause I’m just a frog, little ‘ol me
Don’t let me out of your sight
I’m just a frog, all green with webbed feet
So don’t let me have any rights
Oh...I’ve Had it up to here!

The moment that I stepped out of my pond
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
Ican’t do the little things
I hold so dear
‘Cause it’s all those little things
That I fear

‘Cause I’m just a frog
I’d rather not be
‘Cause they won’t let me live
My own life
I’m just a frog,
Guess I’m some kind of freak
‘Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I’m just a frog,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prince stuck inside
Oh...I’ve had it up to here!
Oh...am I making myself clear?

I’m just a frog
I’m just a frog in the world...
That’s all that you’ll let me be!
I’m just a frog, living in scientific captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I’m just a frog, what’s my destiny?
I have to die watching you dissecting me
I’m just a frog, my apologies!
What I’m become is so burdensome
I’m just a frog, lucky me
Twiddle-dum, there’s no comparison

Oh...I’ve had it up to!
Oh...I’ve had it up to!
Oh...I’ve had it up to here!!

(Curtain closes on Act I, Scene III)