Note: This story is seriously...for lack of a better word...fucked up. I wrote it on a burst of impulse, so if there's spelling errors or whatever well...my bad. Sentences may seem improper or just plain messed up, but I intended them to be that way. This is as if its a string of thoughts directly from Riley's head. So yeah, tell me what you guys think.

Oh yeah, there's lots of swear words, so if you're offended by those then don't read.

And if you're offended by anything sexual or abusive like that well...don't read. This was intended to be the brutally raw account of an abused teenage boy. So yeah....just thought I'd warn you. Read on if you dare!

Chapter One

I hate this. I hate them. I hate everything. Especially her. Fuck, I can’t stand that chick, all she does is prance around like she’s living in lala land and I’m an ogre. And I hate that I have to be here, who the fucks idea what this? They said it was because I was underage and they couldn’t legally let me live on my own, muchless with Tara. So instead they send her off to some psychopath’s home to live where she’s gonna get the hell fucked out of her by some little perv. Because really, what decent person would want to have some foster kid intrude on their life? None. Its fucked up that’s what it is.

And I don’t get these people. These stupid Alden people. I think they think it’ll make them go to heaven or something if they take in a fuckhead like me. And that stupid little Nicole who’s about four feet tall and six inches around her waist. You’d think her anorexic. But she looks at me like I’m a speck of dirt under her perfect little nail. Well fuck her. Fuck her. fuck the Aldens, and fuck who ever has Tara.

This morning Nicole got all pissy with me because I beat her to the bathroom and stayed in there for more than two and a half minutes. She’s so damn perfect its funny to see her in the morning because she looks bad, her makeup off and her hair all mussed up like some guy had fucked her good that night. But of course, she’s to good for something like that. I bet she’s the kind of girl that whispers sex to her friends like its gonna jump out and bite her if she says it too loud. Hell, she probably doesn’t even know what it is, and she sure as hell has never done it. Prissy bitch.

And then Mrs. Alden makes me a lunch this morning, which is a real hoot. I guess she thinks if she gives me money I’ll go out and buy some shit. Too bad any decent shit costs more than the few bucks that lunch would cost. I don’t say anything though and just take it. On the drive over I look in the—believe it or not—lunchbox they’d bought me to find some little sandwhich, cut in half all nicely. And an apple and banana and some chips. Nice well balanced meal. Jeezus-fucking-Christ...

So we get to school and Nicole’s mom makes her walk with me but as soon as we get inside she’s gone in like ten seconds. Everyone else keeps giving me these weird looks and I get the feeling that it’s a really small school, the kind where everyone knows everyone.

This bitch at the office asks me what I’m doing here and just say I go here and she gets all huffy and has to check some list or papers or something to make sure its true. I give her my name and she gives me my schedule, looking at me like I’m Count Dracula reincarnated. I give her the finger and she’s so shocked she can’t even say anything as I walk away and then its too late.

Everyone at school is wearing all these preppy clothes. No goths, no punks...no nothing. And then I come across these six or so guys and they’re all standing around the vending machines and this girl is standing there, looking like she wants to buy something but is afraid to go near the guys. I look them over real quick, weighing my chances with them and guessing it wouldn’t be as hard to take them as you’d usually think when it comes to six high school guys.

They notice me then and quit leaning against the vending machine and walk up to me, looking me over.

“Haven’t you ever seen black clothes before?” I ask because they keep looking at my pants and my shirt, I know its cas they’re sizing me up but I play dumb.

“Smart ass,” one says and the rest just look at me, fight written all over them.

“What are you doin here?” another guys asks, he has faded lime green and pink hair, like he fucked up when he dyed it.

I turn my lip ring with my teeth and pretend to be mute. So I stay quiet. I don’t like talking.

“He asked you a question Nigger,” The first says. He’s got red hair and is kinda short, like he thinks he’s all that when he’s not. I hate fuckers like that.

“Shut up, he ain’t even a Nigger,” another says and he’s black and tall. A little taller than me.

I keep staying quiet and its starting to piss them off. I cross my arms. They start saying stupid shit so I just go, “why don’t you all just shut the fuck up and stay the hell away from me and things will be fine.” Which is one of the few times I ever string that many words together, so they should feel honored.

The redhead starts to shove my shoulder but before he can even push against me I pop him in the face and elbow the black guy in the solar plexis and he’s not ready for it so he doubles over. The other four start forward but I don’t even give them a chance, I knock one in the balls as I pass then start down the hall and he falls down too. The other three yell after me but are obviously not bold enough to try to take me on their own so I go to class. Fuckers.

They said that if I want Tara when I’m eighteen I have to graduate, which I can’t do if I flunk even one class and I have to take a full load. Mother fuckers. I don’t get how they get off takin a little girl away from her bro. And putting her in some home too where she’s gonna get all fucked up. They wouldn’t let me see her either, even though we went to the same shelter at first. Then she got sent away to some stupid family with an older son that’s gonna rape her and then she’ll be fucked up the rest her life. Sucking some guy off for crank cas her life was so fucked up as a kid she had to turn to drugs and she’s got no other way to buy em. Mother fuckers gonna fuck her up.

Surprisingly I don’t get called out of my class, nor the next one. I guess those punk’s egos are too big to admit they got owned. They don’t even come ‘round during lunch so I eat that stupid lunch uninterrupted.

Nicole eats lunch with a couple other chick and they all wear bright colors and skirts cas its just into fall term. They giggle like they’re high but I know better than to think they are. I can’t stand watching them, it makes me feel sick so I get up and go up to the office and make some phone calls because this woman at the shelter gave me some numbers to call about Tara to try to figure out where she is. The office bitch glares at me but I ignore her and try to say as few words as possible on the phone.

When the bell rings lunch over I hang up and I’m still nowhere. Either no one knows or they won’t tell me where she is. They can’t take her out of the State though, and one woman said that she was still in this county but I think she fucked up cas she got all quiet after that like she wasn’t supposed to say that. So I know she’s fairly local. I ask the office bitch but she just says she doesn’t know so I leave.

After school Nicole’s mom is waiting for us in front of the school, the perfect mom or some such crap. She says hi to me and asks me about my day but I pretend like I didn’t hear her and lean against the car, waiting for Nicole cas I know she’ll hate that.

She comes out of the school and yells a goodbye to her friend and is all smiles till she sees me. I wait till she’s about three feet from me before I get in and she just glares and gets in too.

“Hi you two, how was your day?” Mrs. Alden says.

“Oh good,” Nicole says and pushes her backpack into the back of her mom’s car. It’s that little Lexus suv that you’d never see back where me and Tara used to live.

“What about you Riley?” she asks, and I swear she’s determined to get me to talk.

“Fine,” I say. And then there’s all this tension in the car cas no one knows what to say but I don’t care so I look out the window.

When we get home little Nicole goes up to her room and does her homework like the good little girl she is. So fucking good she’s a prude. I ask if I can use the phone and they say yes so I pick up the cordless phone from the kitchen counter and go up into my room and slam the door behind me.

I keep trying to call people and some give me other numbers to call and I try to call those too but no one will tell me shit and its so fucked up. After about the twelfth call I just chuck the phone across the room and it knocks a lamp off the desk but it doesn’t break so I just ignore it and lay down on the bed and hang my head over the side and wonder where they keep their meds. They have to have some somewhere. I’m sure the social workers advised them about leaving anything in medicine cabinets so I try to think of other places they could be. Under the sink maybe. Or in the sock drawer. That’s a pretty common place and everyone always thinks they’re so clever about it.

I’m just about go try to find some cas my blood is boiling so bad when both Nicole’s parents come into the room all worried. Which really just pisses me off more because I hadn’t locked the door and I hate it when people just come waltzing into my room like they own the place, even though they do. Its just fucked up. So I sit up real fast which makes me get all dizzy so I can’t see them real well but I try to look less defenceless than I feel.

“What happened?” Mr. Alden asks. I’d think of them by their first names cas I hate calling people Mr. and Mrs. but I can’t remember them so I don’t.

I’m not sure what to say so I don’t. I just clench a fist cas its all so fucked. I don’t’ want to be here. I don’t want any of this shit, I never asked for it. I want my sister because she’s gonna get all fucked up with no one to protect her cas she doesn’t know bout shit. I want some fucking pills to numb me up and its all so fucked up.

“If you knock something over you need to pick it up,” he says and I hate it. I hate it when men act like they can just boss you around and know everything. I hate people.

He picks it up and puts it back and Mrs. Alden goes, “who’d you call?” All innocently curious-like because she doesn’t want me to think she’s being nosey, even though she is.

I don’t say anything.

He walks over to me and starts in on me saying, “I know you’re used to a different life, but here—“

“Get the hell away from me,” I yell and jerk up because he touches my shoulder. I hit his hand away and lurch towards the opposite wall. “Don’t fucking touch me.” Mrs. Alden looks like her eyes are gonna pop out of her head. “Ever,” I say again, cas they look dumbfounded. And I try to leave the room but Mrs. Alden is in my way and won’t move.

“Riley calm down, its just a lamp,” she goes, but won’t move.

“Its not just a lamp, get out of the way. You can’t keep me in here, get the fuck out,” I yell and I hold my head cas its starting to pound with my heart beat. And I’d push past her but I don’t want to touch them and Mr. Alden is standing next to her except now he’s walking towards me again, holding his hands like I’m a rabid dog. And I feel like a dog, cornered and all closed in and its driving me mad. “Stay the fuck away from me,” I say and kick the bed cas I can’t hit him. But he just keeps coming and pretty soon I’m backed against the wall and he keeps saying things like calm down except he’s almost yelling it now and I snap cas I suddenly can’t breath and I got all these images in my head and I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I kick the bedside table at him and the clock flies off and hits the wall. The table just lands at his feet but I guess he gets it cas he back out and in a few seconds they’ve left. I just slump on the ground and I know I should lock the door but I just can’t so I sit there and press my forehead against my knees cas its pounding so bad and I want to shut my heart off cas I can barely breath. I keep taking these little breaths but I can’t exhale and it feels like my chest is gonna explode. And I hate it.

I pound my forehead against my knees cas the images won’t go away, even with my eyes open. All I see is all these fucking dicks and it’s so fucked up I hate it. Pretty soon I can breath again though and they go away, so I lay my head against the wall and bang it against it a few times just for good measure.

About an hour later—I don’t’ know cas the clocks on the other side of the room and I can’t talk myself from getting up from where I’m sitting my back against the wall and my side pressed against the side of the bed—my shrink comes in, real quiet. Behind her I see the Aldens, all three of them, but she closes the door behind her and sits on the floor about six feet away from me.

“How are you doing?” Dr. Hallan asks.

I shrug. Much as I hate shrinks, I never could bring myself to hate her from the day I met her. She’s the only one I’ve ever known that doesn’t make you talk, and I’ve known a lot.

“What happened?” she asks.

“Ask them.”

“I want to know what happened from you.”

“Ask them,” I just say again because I don’t want to say it.

“They said they heard a crash and came in and you freaked out. Is that what happened?”

I just shrug because yeah, briefly that is what happened.

“Can you tell me more about it so I can explain to them what they should do so it doesn’t happen again?” she asks and I almost want to smile cas I know she’s making it sound like they were the one’s who’d fucked up and that I was the angel on purpose.

“I tried calling those numbers you gave me but no one will tell me shit,” I say. “So I threw the phone cas its so fucked up it hit the lamp and it fell. Then they came in and started talking to me like I was in dire need of guidance and he started coming near me and he touched me and I guess I kinda blew a fuse.”

“He touched you?” she asks and she’s read my file so she sorta knows whats up but not about that. And I won’t tell her either, but I think she sorta knows.

“Yeah,” I say. “Just on the shoulder.”

She nods, like it all makes sense. I don’t see how it could for her but I don’t ask about it either.

“Then what happened?” she asks when I don’t say anything more.

“I told him not to touch me but he kept coming...I guess he thought he could calm me down cas he was saying stuff about it and I kicked that at him,” I said and pointed to the bedside table, toppled over on the other side of the room.

She nods again. “Is there anything you want me to tell them?”

“Not to touch me.”

“Okay,” she says. “If they promise not to touch you again, will you promise not to throw things?”

I shrug. “I can try.”

She nods because she knows that’s the best she can get out of me I guess. “Do you want to talk to them in here or downstairs?”

“Downstairs,” I say because I don’t want them in here and I don’t want them to see me like this.

“Okay,” she says and gets up and goes to the door.

I get up too and follow her out when she opens it. I feel weird when we walk into the kitchen downstairs where they’re all sorta standing around. Like I’m exposed. They saw stuff I don’t want them to see. Basically me panicking. I guess I just don’t want them to know I’m weak like that. Nicole stares at me like I’m a monster and her parents look at me like...I don’t know what like. Maybe a little scared. Maybe a lot scared.

I sit down at the table when Dr. Hallan gestures to a chair. Then she invites the rest of them to sit down and things feel even weirder. I feel my heart rate start to pick up when Mr. Alden walks towards me, but Dr. Hallan seems to know this even without looking at me and has him sit in the farthest chair from me. Then she sits on my right and the chair on my left stays empty.

I stare at my hands. At their color. Honey brown sorta. Like when you make chocolate milk with powder but don’t put enough in sorta. Sometimes I wished I were all black, or all white, cas that’d make life easier. Right now though I just don’t care. All I want is for my heart to stop beating like that.

“Well,” Dr. Hallan says all brightly. She’s a bright person, with chocolate brown hair the color my skin would be if it were pure instead of half and half. And she’s young. Young enough that she hasn’t forgotten what its like to be my age I guess. And she still has energy. Older shrinks are just burnt out I guess. She looks at me and my heart rate speeds up a little because I know what she’s going to ask. She asks it anyway though. “Riley do you want to explain what happened? Because I don’t think they really understand.”

“No,” I say because I can’t. I look down at my hands again because I feel stupid. I try not to look at Mr. Alden because whenever I do I start thinking about dicks again and I hate that.

“Try?” she asks, but I think even she knows it’s pointless.

“I can’t,” I almost yell, starting to hate her for trying to make me talk. I hate talking. I run my hand over my hair. I’d run it through it but its braided in cornrows. Tara did it that last day and I haven’t been able to talk myself into taking them out yet. I know I should soon though cas they’re a mess.

“Well,” she says like everything was fine so I look up, “Riley was on the phone talking to some social workers about—” she looks at me pointedly, like she’s asking for permission. I just look back at her so she goes on, “—contacting his sister, but they were separated and most places can’t give out information about her. Esepcially considering the circumstances.” It rolls out of her mouth easily but I flinch. I don’t wanna think about that. “Which is frustrating, right?”

I shrug and nod at the same time.

She explains about hitting the lamp and all that but she hesistates again about the rest, like she wants me to explain it. “And when you two came in,” she looks at Mr. and Mrs. Alden, “it sort of topped it off, so to speak.”

“I don’t like people coming near me or touching me,” I interrupt and glance at Mr. Alden. He doesn’t look angry anymore. “I hate it,” I say quietly.

Dr. Hallan smiles her approval and urges me to go on but I don’t’ know what to say. When she apparently is sure I’m not gonna say anything more she goes, “Riley’s decided that if you all promise not to touch him he’ll try not to throw things anymore, right?” She looks at me again.

I shrug, but say “yeah” for good measure.

Nicole is still staring. Like she can’t believe it. I don’t’ know how much she saw. She looks like she saw all of it. Mrs. Alden looks a lot like her but she’s trying harder to cover it up and asks, “Can we ask a few questions?”

Dr. Hallan looks at me again but I don’t do anything so she says it’d be okay.

“Why don’t you like to be touched?” Mrs. Alden asks and I bet Dr. Hallan sends her a warning look because she suddenly looks like she might’ve made a mistake.

I can feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I look at Dr. Hallan hard. She just smiles reassuringly, which just pisses me off because they have no right to ask me shit like this so I stand up and the chair screetches loudly behind me as it slides across the floor. All of them save for Dr. Hallan flinch like I’m gonna tip the table over on them. I want to. “None of your fucking business,” I say, too loud again.

“Riley please sit down,” Dr. Hallan says, gently because she knows that works better than yelling at me. And it does.

I sit down anyway because I have no where else to go and say, “I don’t want to fucking talk about this.”

“That’s okay,” Dr. Hallan says calmly, like I didn’t phase her at all and I guess she’s kinda used to it. “You don’t have to talk about it now.”

“Not ever,” I say, still too loud because Nicole flinches.

“Okay,” Dr. Hallan goes. “Do you want to say anything else Riley?”

I shake my head because I hate saying things.

“So do you all think things are okay now? Riley doesn’t throw things, you all don’t touch him?” She says like she’s making a business deal. And I guess I appreciate it because it makes it a little easier to deal. She stands up and I stand up too and everyone else does the same. “Call me if you need anything else, alright?”

The Aldens all mutter agreement and smile.

Dr. Hallan walks to the door and I follow her and once we’re outside and the front door is safely shut behind me I ask, “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure,” she says, like she has nothing better to do.

I look down at my shoes, all scuffed up and torn by the right toe. “I...I can’t breath sometimes. I don’t know what it is.” I look up at her and she looks curious.

“When?”

“When shit like that happens. I can’t breath and my pulse goes way fucking up.”

“A panic attack?”

I shrug because I don’t know.

“Come with me,” she says, “it sounds like a panic attack to me.” We go to her car and I feel stupid because I know I should know this shit but she acts like its perfectly natural. She pulls out like ten little brown paper bags and hands them to me. “Try using one of those next time you have one and see if it helps. Just open it up and hold it to your face and breath. You’ve probably seen it done in movies.”

I nod. I had.

“Call me if they start happening more often or you pass out or anything like that, okay?”

I nod again.

“Good luck,” she says. “I’ll try to contact some people about your sister. See you tomorrow.” Because that’s when our next meeting is. I’m supposed to meet with her pretty much every other day, give or take a few here and there.

She drives away so I go back inside feeling stupid and weird and my stomach feels all fucked up.

“We’re sorry,” Mrs. Alden says to me when I come in. Nicole is still staring.

I just shrug and go back upstairs, lock my bedroom door, and get out the cd player I’d lifted a few weeks ago, before they’d taken me and Tara and I listen to Adema. I lay on the bed and hang my head over the side again because it feels different and I hate how I feel. I wanna tear up the room but I know I’m not supposed to so I don’t. And normally I wouldn’t care, but its too hard to try to get a hold of Tara when you’re constantly moving around so it’s better to stay in one place, no matter how fucked up it is.