Note: Riley's a boy. Nicole is a girl. Hope there's no more confusion >. Sorry again about the typos.

Chapter Two

On Friday Dr. Hallan calls me and things are still fucked up here but they’re better because everyone just pretends nothing happened, but she brings the best news I’ve heard in way too long. She’s found Tara and arranged for me to see her in a few hours so she’s coming to pick me up. She said I had to dress nice so I change into the best clothes I have. Which aren’t really that great, baggy black pants and a black shirt, but they don’t have holes in them so its not so bad.

The Aldens offered to take me shopping but I hate it and I hate people buying me things because I hate owing people. I’d rather take the risk and lift it.

Soon as I’m ready I go downstairs and pace around the kitchen. Nicole watches me from the table and pretty soon she asks, her voice all disgusted even though I don’t think she means it to be, “whats wrong with you?”

I flip her the bird and she looks genuinely offended but at least she shuts up and goes back to her homework. Then Mrs. Alden comes in the room though and asks the same thing. Mr. Alden is away on a business trip fortunately so I’m a little more comfortable that usual.

“They found my sister,” I say.

Mrs. Alden smiles real big and goes, “Oh that’s great!”

I just nod.

When I see her all I can do is just stare because I’ve missed her so much and the biggest wave or relief washes over me because she’s alive and breathing and I’m so used to taking care of her 24/7. She’s at this family’s house and Dr. Hallan told me in the car that Tara went here because the woman knows sign language. But this house is real small but real nice. Not rich nice, but nice.

She’s sitting on the floor, looking at a picture book when I come in and I know better than to creep up behind her so I make a big circle and try to walk up where she can see me. She looks up, sensing the floor vibrations I guess and her eyes get wide when she sees me. Then she breaks out in this huge grin and stumbles to her feet as she runs to me and jumps up, wrapping her little arms around my neck. I hold her tight and I feel like I wanna cry but I don’t let myself. “Riley,” she says over and over all weird because I’d taught her how to say it.

Finally I put her down and sit on the floor in front of her and sign Are you okay? And I say it outloud too so she can see my mouth move to the words.

Yes, she signs back.

I’ve missed you so much, I sign but I don’t say anything else outloud, just mouth everything. Because its too personal.

I’ve missed you too. I love you.

I love you too.

Has anyone hurt you?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes.

I kiss her forehead because I just can’t stand it, she’s like my own kid only my sister. Do you like it here? I ask.

It’s okay, can I live with you now?

I don’t know yet. I’m trying.

Don’t leave me. And her face suddenly gets all sad, like she’s going to cry so I hold her in my arms again and she just snuggles into my lap and I hold her.

Then this other guys comes into the room and Tara notices and gets all shy and looks up at me like she doesn’t kwno what to do. I figure he must be her foster brother. “Who the fuck are you?” I ask anyway.

“Nick,” he says. He’s shorter than me and looks like a loser. I already hate him. I can smell a joint on him too.

I hold Tara’s head against my chest and say, “Stay the fuck away from her.”

He just gives me a look and walks off so I stand up, holding Tara and her head leans against the nook in my shoulder and she sucks her thumb even though she’s too old for that.

“I want to take her back,” I say.

“You can’t,” her foster mom says and looks me up and down, like she thinks she’d be a better mom for her than I would.

I wanna cuss her out but Dr. Hallan interrupts, “I’m still working on that part, but you can come see her as often as you like, but it has to be prearranged.”

I stay for probably another hour before Dr. Hallan says we need to go and Tara starts crying when I tell her. Tara crying anyway. She tries real hard not to but in the end the tears still come. She hangs onto my hand and keeps grabbing for it when I peel her hand off and she keeps calling my name in the only little clumsy way she knows how. I sign I love you, I’ll be back over and over again to her but she still cries but signs back I love you too, come back soon.

In the car on the way home I want to cry again. Instead I tell Dr. Hallan about Nick. “I don’t like him. He smells like weed.”

“Right now that’s the only place she has to go and they want her,” Dr. Hallan says.

“I want her to come with me!” I almost yell but fall silent when I realize it.

“Get good grades and don’t get into trouble and it’ll make the process a whole lot easier.”

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That night when I’m undressing to get into the shower Nicole knocks on the door. “Can I have my toothbrush before you get in?” she yells.

“No,” I yell back.

“Riley! Come on! Open up, just lemme grab it.”

I open the door but only a crack and her eye’s flick over the little bit of bare chest I show. I keep my hips hidden behind the door because I keep getting these hard ons around her and its driving me nuts and I don’t’ want her to see. She’s wearing these really light weight satin pajamas too and I can see her nipples through the top and it makes my dick go even harder and I just want her to piss off so it’ll go away because I hate it.

“Give me my toothbrush,” she says.

“No.” And I almost have to smile at the huff she gives me.

“Let me in then.”

“No, piss off.”

“Move,” she says and barges right in which I’m not at all ready for and I jump back because I don’t want her touching me. I lean my hip agains the counter and try to casually hold my hands over the front of my boxers so she can’t see the hard on. She grabs her toothbrush then whips around to march out of the room but she comes up short when she sees me and I wonder if she’s ever seen a semi-naked guy in her life so I ask. “What? Haven’t you seen a guy in his boxers before?” I go.

She just blinks a few times then looks up at me all surpised like she’d just realized I was talking to her. “Oh, yeah, lots of times,” she says and I know she’s lying which makes me want to play with her so bad I can’t help myself when I shift from leaning against the counter to leaning against the back of the bathroom door, sending it slamming shut.

She gets all shifty and her eyes keep dropping down to my boxers but I’m pretty sure its not because of my hard on, if she even knows what that is. For being sixteen she sure is naïve. “I gotta go,” she says quickly and sharp like she’s breathing fast like she’s nervous and even my heart rate jumps up a few beats.

“You wanted to come in, you’re in,” I say, which is a lot for me cas I never talk this much.

“I didn’t’ mean to stay!”

I just shrug because I know Mrs. Alden isn’t home, that she’s at work at a last minute meeting for her magazine and won’t be back till later. And I know that’s making Nicole nervous as hell. I smile, sorta.

She looks at me weird for a second then goes, “I’ve never seen you smile before.” I let it fall. “Its nice, you don’t have to stop.” I stay blank. “Okay, so can you move now?”

“Nah,” I say because its just too funny to watch her start fidgeting. And normally I’d hate any guy who did this to a girl but I guess I was just in a weird mood because I wanted nothing more than to get back at her a little bit for her bitchy attitude.

She crosses her arms and glares at me, “Move Riley.”

I start smiling again cas I can’t help it and she just glares.

Finally she starts forward and grabs the door knob to try to pull it open but she brushes up against me and we both freeze. My smile’s gone and my hard on is so bad I almost want her to just go so I can jerk off, much as I hate myself for even thinking it because that’s so perverted. She looks up at me, her breast lightly touching my arm to where I can feel her nipple rub my skin when she takes a deep breath. It’s hard and I know why.

She bites her lip which draws my attention to them and I’m sure she didn’t mean to but that’s how it worked. I glance back at her eyes and she’s looking at me, scared and nervous. I lick my own lips as I try to think of something to say and it does the same thing to her cas I can see her eyes flick down to my lips then back to my eyes.

“Can...” I say suddenly and her eyes get wider, expecting something so I can’t stop, “I kiss you?”

“No,” she says, then says it again and starts to move away but stops herself. “No,” she says a third time, like she’s trying to convince herself, not me.

I don’t know what to do cas I’ve never tried to get a girl before. And I want to, lord I fucking want to so bad. But I don’t know how so I step away from the door, my arm pressing against that breast still all pointy and she stays there, looking up at me like she’s expecting me to do something. And then she’s gone and I turn on the shower and crank it way on cold and stand there shivering and leaning against the wall of the shower because I hate it. I hate how it feels. I don’t want it to feel like this. I wanna get off so bad but I hate how dirty I feel afterwards, I hate my hands. I hate dicks. And so I lean against the wall of the shower, my eyes closed as I shiver and hate myself.

I get out after awhile and try not to think about her so I stay limp but when I open the bathroom door she’s standing there leaning against the wall next to the door frame. She jumps when she sees me and holds up her toothbrush. “I have to put it back,” she says, real slow and careful. And damn if I’m not all hard all over again, but at least this time I got jeans on.

I step out all the way and run my hand through my hair because its long now. Normally I tie it back in a pony tail, but it’s wet. Tara is gonna braid it for me tomorrow when I go see her. But I can’t think about Tara right now. All I can do is look over Nicole again and look at her butt as she walks into the bathroom and puts her toothbrush back. I wanna stand in the doorway but I know I shouldn’t so I just lean against it so she can go around me if she wants, but she can get ‘stuck’ again real easy too if she wants to.

She stops in front of me and my heart starts beating like mad again. And all I can do is look at her and she looks up at me like that’s all she can do but like she’s expecting something too and I want to kiss her but I don’t know how. And I want to fidget so bad but I don’t dare move and then her delicate little hand touches my cheek and I start to lean forward but I pull back, afraid. Afraid of screwing up. And I hate admitting it but I’m scared as hell and my hearts pounding in my ears and I can’t think. So I dip in again, close to her lips but she doesn’t do anything so I’m afraid she doesn’t want it, afraid to force her, but then her eyelids start to close a little and I lean in again and they close all the way and she’s just gorgeous and so vulnerable so I real carefully touch her lips with mine cas I hate how they smother each other’s lips in the movies so I’m real careful and my dicks so hard I can’t ignore it and her lips feel so nice against mine.

And then she opens her mouth just a tiny bit and runs the wet part of her lips over mine and I try to do the same but I want something more so bad I think I’m too rough. So I pull back a little but her head follows me and suddenly her body’s flush against mine and I don’t know if I did it or if she did.

But her body rubs against my dick and I start remembering shit and I open my eyes and tell myself its her, its Nicole over and over but its not helping because she stands on her tiptoes to go with my head cas I suddenly lifted it a little and her body rubs against my dick and I can’t stop the thoughts suddenly racing through my head and the images playing over my eyes and I jerk back because I can’t breath again and my bloods pounding in my head and I keep trying to breath my lungs feel ready to explode so I push past her and I jerk open a bathroom drawer and pull out one of Dr. Hallan’s paper bags and hold it over my face and try to breath. I keep my eyes closed cas everything is fuzzy and I think I can hear Nicole asking me if I’m okay but I can barely hear her over the pounding in my ears.

After a few breaths though I can open my eyes and I see Nicole staring at me, all worried. And I feel stupid cas I’m sitting on the floor with a paper bag pressed against my face but I don’t dare take it away yet. “You okay?” she asks.

I just nod and close my eyes again so I don’t have to look at her because I feel like a jackass. After a little while longer I put it down and just lean my head back against the bathroom cabinet. I keep my eyes closed still because I know she’s still there looking at me.

“Riley,” she says real slow, real gentle.

“Yeah?”

“You okay?” she asks again and again I just nod. “What happened?”

I shrug cas I don’t want to think about it anymore.

“Riley,” she says again but I stay quiet. “Riley, will you look at me?”

I open my eyes and look at her and she looks upset. I have no idea why though. “Look, I’m sorry,” I say.

“For what?” I hold up the paper bag. “I’m sorry about that,” she says.

“It’s not you,” I say.

“What is it?”

“Me.”

“What about you?”

“You want my face back in this again?” I ask and hold up the bag.

“No...”

I bang my head hard back against the cabinet a couple times till Nicole asks me to stop.

We’re both quiet for awhile and then, just out of impulse or something stupid like that I say, “I have you ever seen a dick?” And I feel stupid for asking but I’m sick of holding back.

“No,” she says real quiet, like she’s ashamed and she blushes like mad.

“I have.”

“No duh,” she goes and smiles at me all cute, “you have one.”

I try to smile back. “Not just mine.”

She frowns and just looks at me a minute, then she whispers real soft, “what do you mean?”

I look up at the ceiling trying to figure out how to explain without thinking about it. “I mean I’ve been fucked up the ass before Nicole.”

She’s silent and when I look at her she’s staring at me her eyes so wide. “I’m sorry,” she says real soft and touches my arm real light.

I shrug and hit my head against the cabinet to try to dislodge the starts of memories rising. I wanna cry but I can’t cas I don’t’ want her to see. I put my hand on my forehead so she can’t see if my eyes get red.

Just then I hear the front door open and close and Mrs. Alden calls out to us. Nicole calls back that we’re upstairs and I wanna get up but my head swims when I do so I sit back down because I think I’m gonna be sick. I hold the bag up and take a few breaths through it again then lay my head back against the cabinet as Mrs. Alden walks up and sees us just as she starts to call Nicole’s name.

“Oh there you guys are,” she says real nice but she looks suspicious. “Whats going on?” I guess it looks fishy cas Nicoles in light weigh pjs and my hairs all wet and we’re in the bathroom, sitting on the floor...together. Hmm...

“Riley had a panic attack,” Nicole says and I feel stupid.

“Oh,” she says and her eyes fly wide, “are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine,” I say and try to get up again and I succeed this time but I still feel like I could be sick. My head swims again but not as bad so I just press my palm against my temple in hopes that it helps. I put the paper bag on the counter and turn the water on cold and splash my face a few times then shut the water off and rest my forearms on either side of the sink and just stand there, water dripping off my nose and chin.

“Do you want me to call Dr. Hallan?” Mrs. Alden asks, real gentle. Not like I’m a psychopath, even though I feel like it.

I don’t say anything for awhile then I glance over at her and she’s still standing there, waiting for an answer. “Yeah I guess so.”

She gives me the thumbs up and goes downstairs to call even though its nine at night.

“You’re a good kisser,” Nicole whispers to me.

“You’re good too,” I say.

“How many girls have you kissed?”

“How many have you?”

“You.”

“You’re so innocent,” I say and she almost looks like she took offence. “That’s a good thing,” I add.

“I wanna do it again,” she says, glancing through the bathroom doorway where we can hear her mom talking to Dr. Hallan on the phone.

I just nod because I do, but I don’t at the same time cas I don’t want to have another panic attack.

“Will you still have a panic attack? Or will it get better over time?”

I shrug because I don’t know.

“Why do you talk so little?”

“Why do you talk so much?”

She just gives me a look so I stare out in front of me because I hate feeling like this. All torn up inside.

Mrs. Alden comes back then and looks me over. “Can I get you something to eat or drink? Will that help?”

I shake my head cas I know it’ll just come back up.