A Tragic List of 10 things That Never Happened Because I Became the Queen of Hell

Pandemonium

All I wanted to do was go to Prom but by the end of the night I had ran over my dog, accidentally killed Satan, found out my boyfriend is really an angel, became the new Queen of Hell and ruined my two-hundred dollar dress. Life sucks.

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WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU TAKE OFFENSE TO RELIGIOUS FIGURES BEING USED IN FICTION. YOU WILL NOT LIKE THIS STORY.

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A Tragic List of 5 Things That Never Happened Because I Became the Queen of Hell

By: Paris Lynn DiPrato, 1st Queen of Pandemonium and Empress of the Underworld.

Note: This list is completely unnecessary and only written because I want whoever reads this to feel grateful that their life didn’t get fucked up half as much as mine did.

2nd Note: Also, it should be said that judging souls isn’t as fun as it sounds like. In fact, it is one of the most boring tasks I am forcibly made into doing given my unwanted occupation.

3rd Note: Judging souls is so freaking mind-numbing that one has to resort to making ridiculous lists in order to feel like their brain isn’t slowly dribbling out of their ears.

Go to college and get a kick ass degree in psychology, so that one day I might hypnotize someone into buying me a bunch of food. When I was twelve, a professional hypnotist came to our school and to this very day I still think it was one of the coolest things I’d ever seen except for those edible body lotions Jessica Simpson made.

Meet a nice man with a nice ass and get married to said nice man with a nice ass. It should be noted that while there is no shortage of males with nice asses in Hell, there is a definite lack of nice personalities. Also, down here, any mention of marriage will be promptly scoffed at and ridiculed.

Have a few buns in the oven. Two is my limit though because in health class they showed us this birthing video called The Miracle of Life, which incidentally scarred me for life. Only recently have I gathered enough courage to entertain the idea of having kids someday.

Own a cute, little cottage on the beach. Now who wouldn’t want a house on the beach?! No one; that’s who. I suppose I can’t complain though, seeing as how right now I’m living in the hugest, most badass, unholy castle you will ever see. Oh yea, I forgot that you can’t actually see it… bummer. Oh! But if you really feel the need to, all you have to do is some evil shit like using kittens as footballs or shoving an elderly person down an escalator. If you do stuff like that you’re sure to be here in no time and I can even give you a tour free of charge.

Die a peaceful death as a content old lady. I can tell you beyond a doubt, right now that I probably won’t even make it past my early twenties. Between numerous assassination attempts, life threatening job traditions, and being the Captain of Team Evil in a violent war against Team Goody-Goody, my life expectancy has drastically dropped into the negative numbers. Fact: I will die, but it won’t happen when I’m old and it certainly won’t be peaceful.

End Note: My life is screwed with a capital S but it’s not too late for you. Just remember that even though you really want to go to that prom because you look damn fine in your expensive, new dress and the guy you’ve been crushing on for so long just happens to be your date, things would have been better if you had just stayed at home. I mean who knows? You totally could have gotten stood up by your date and then chased into the woods by killer dogs, causing your gorgeous dress to be torn into shreds. You may even have accidentally killed someone and then been forced to ascend the throne of an unholy empire. Then where would you be? You would be here, judging worthless souls making worthless lists and counting down the minutes till your next lunch break. So, what is the moral of the story? Trick question. There is no moral of the story because down here, there are no morals.

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Whoop-whoop a completely rewritten prologue because I hated the other. If any of you even remember the old one tell me which you like me that one or this one. I’m leaning towards this one for sure.

- Katherine R.