It's started all over again

The one habit of mine

That I can never control

Just one cut

And I'm lost to my addiction

I have lost myself

Drowning in the feeling

Of a blade gliding over my wrist

The sight of my own blood

Running in rivers down my arm

Sends a feeling through my body

That even I can't explain myself

A feeling I don't ever want to end

I make one mark

And I can't help but make another

It drives me past the point of insanity

To where I've lost every rational thought

And just want to feel nothing

Just want to forget everything around me

Except what I'm making myself feel

It hurts at first

Making that first cut

But after the pain slowly fades

It's replaced with an unknown feeling

It's so hard to explain

I float off to a cloud

Where no one can hurt me

Where nothing can touch me

It only lasts a few minutes

But it's enough to make me forget everything else

But the worst happens

When I come down from the cloud

For I need to feel that way again

So I cut more and more

Knowing what I'm doing

But not able to stop myself

Sometimes I lose so much blood

That I get dizzy and sometimes even pass out

I get so close to the edge

But I never fall

A part of me doesn't want to fall

Because of everything I hold dear

But the other part

Wants to let go and end it all

I'm torn in two

My mind tells me to end it

My heart tells me to go on

That everything will get better

I want to believe that

But how can I

When it seems like everything is just getting worse

It would be so easy

To just take a knife

And drive it into my heart

Or take a razorblade

And push it as far into my wrist as it will go

But I can't make myself do it

My heart tells me that I'm not done here

There are so many more things I have to do

Before it's my time to go

My mind tells me to end it

That it'll be too hard to keep going

I don't have much strength left

To keep going on when all I get is pain

I search for happiness

And I think I have found it

But it feels like something

Is trying it's best

To rip that happiness from me

I want to stop my addiction

But that's what it is

An addiction

Something I can't live without

And I try my hardest

To ignore the whispers in my mind

But it's so hard to stop

I lose myself in it

And I enjoy that feeling way too much

I know it could cause the death of me

But I don't want to stop

Because I've never been able to go over the edge

Something is telling me that it will never happen

That I haven't reached that point yet

But I can't keep living this way

Risking my own life because of it

I can't let this addiction rule my life

I could lose everything I hold dear

Because of what I am

Because of what I do

The one thing I want

More than anything

Could be taken away

And I wouldn't be able to stop it

Just one mistake is all it would take

To lose everything I have

To just stand there

And watch everything I hold dear

Just walk away without looking back

I don't want to be the one walked away from

I want to be the one walking away

I'm holding my own life in my hands

Everytime I pick up a knife or a razorblade

I'm risking everything

I can't do that anymore

I don't want to have that fear

That this could be the last time

I ever open my eyes again

In my mind I'm fearless

In my heart I'm terrified

I want to fly

But I'm afraid of falling

Because I know that if I fall

I might not have someone there

To catch me

To hold me tight and tell me everything will be okay

It has to stop

I'm taking my life back into my own hands